16. Beautiful Lies

Chase.

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I lie in my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I'm so excited to go on a trip with Sky. He told me I could choose where we go. I'm thinking New York. Far away from everyone and everything. Far away from my thoughts, hopefully. I never think about anything bad when I'm with Sky. All I can think about is him.

I wonder what it'll be like. Just us two. We'd have to eat. We'd go to a restaurant.. And.. we'd probably share a hotel room. Would we share a bed? I wonder how he'd feel if I kissed him. I won't. Of course not. I wouldn't betray Aron like that. But... If I kissed him, would he like it? I've kissed more people now. I know what I'm doing now. I feel like he would like it. He did say I was hot. You don't say that to just anyone, right?

God, I'm so pathetic.

The door to my room creaks open. I know it's Loren.

"I told you to knock." I sigh.

She doesn't respond. She just lays down next to me on the bed.

"I was so excited to see you again today.. You definitely weren't excited to see me.." She sounds so small. She only sounds like this when she's really sad. And that's my fault. I guess I really hurt her feelings.

"That's not true." I say.

It is.

"I was just in a bad mood. I'm sorry." I look into her eyes.

"Mom and dad said you're always in a bad mood these days. What's going on?" She looks so worried. It's just like after I tried to kill myself. They were constantly on edge and concerned for me. It was awful.

"Tell me. What's wrong?" Her eyes probe into my soul.

I think about Kev. I try not to show my discomfort as my stomach turns. I hate thinking about him. And about that night. It's been weeks but the memory is still so fresh. It's taunting me.

I put on a big smile.

"I'm growing up, sis."

She chuckles. "Yeah, you sure are. It took you long enough."

"Hey!" I push her playfully.

We both laugh. It does feel kind of nice to be with her again.

"Chase?" She asks quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I don't mind that you're in love with Sky.." My heart takes off as she says the words. I wan't to push them back into her mouth. I hate it.

"But Aron—"

"I'm not in love with Sky." I say quickly. Defensively.

"But.. At dinner—"

"You took it the wrong way. It's not what I meant." I turn away from her.

"Okay.. But I'm just saying if you were.. I wouldn't judge you. And neither would dad."

"Mom would kill me."

"She'd come around. Just like she needed to with Sky."

"She hates Sky."

"Nobody hates Sky."

I sigh. True. And everybody hates Chase.

Loren wraps her arms around my waist. It feels nice not sleeping alone. We used to sleep like this all the time when we were kids. We used to get along so well. I don't know what happened.

Oh. I had sex with her boyfriend. Not that she knows but it's driven this invisible wedge between us that I can't break. And I can't tell her the truth. It would only hurt more.

Beautiful lies or the ugly truth? Loren's always loved pretty things.

"So Aron and I were talking.. about Rose. And we both think Rose should be baptized. I talked to Sky about it and he doesn't care."

I chuckle. Of course he doesn't.

"I was thinking.. I want you to be her godfather."

I freeze for a moment. Me?

"Why?"

"Chase. You're the best person I know.. When you're not driving cars into trees at least. You're kind, empathetic, moral.. I want Rose to know about those things. I want Rose's godfather to be able to teach her about virtue. And though I hate to admit it, that's always been your strength. Not mine."

Virtue. Morals. Who is she talking about? I have none of those things. Especially now that I treat people like dirt and scream at everyone all the time. I'm a wreck. Can't she see that?

"Please say yes?" I just feel her huge eyes on the back of my head.

"Of course. I'm honored." I try to sound enthusiastic.

I don't understand how Sky is okay with this. We're keeping this huge secret from her and he just pretends everything's fine. He doesn't even feel the need to talk to me about what happened. It's like he genuinely forgot. I guess it really didn't mean that much to him, huh?

It feels like there's a huge wound in my chest. It throbs and it bleeds and it hurts. But no one can see it. I'm bleeding but everyone's oblivious to it.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I get up.

"I'm going to bed." Loren gets up. "Ah, I'm so excited, Chase. So much planning to do!" She gives me a hug before practically skipping out of the room.

I go into the bathroom and lock the door.

I take the razors out of the cabinet and stare at them for a while.

I just wanna do it one time. I just need something to hold on to. I need to stop thinking about Kev and I need to stop thinking about Sky or I'm going to fuck everything up.

The sharp pain hits like a drug as I pierce my skin with the shiny silver blade. I suck in some air through my teeth.

And suddenly the pain on the inside appears on the outside.

I watch the line of blood stream down my arm and drip onto the floor. It's calming in a way.

I position the blade for another.

"Chase!" My mom yells.

I flinch, making a cut much deeper then I intended to.

"Ow! Fuck!" I pant as a big gush of blood streams down my arm.

"Chase! Your father and I want to talk to you!" Her voice gets closer and closer.

"I'm coming! Give me a sec!" I scream.

She sighs. Her heels click clack out of my bedroom.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I hold my arm under the shower hoping the bleeding will stop. It stings like hell.

After a while I turn off the faucet and grab the first aid kit. I try to bandage the wound but it's hard to do with one hand. I manage to do it by holding one end with my teeth. I tape it and clean my bathroom.

I quickly throw on a big black sweater and run down the stairs like nothing happened.

I'm feeling lightheaded as I walk down. I hold onto the wall for a moment while my head spins.

I enter the living room, feeling sluggish, like a zombie. I try to put up a good front.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asks.

"Yeah, fine." I sit down. "Loren and I made up."

"That's great news!" Mom claps.

Dad nods in agreement.

"Obviously we still need to punish you for what happened with the car."

I nod, feeling empty. I don't care what my punishment is. It doesn't matter.

"'Course." I sigh.

"You are grounded for two weeks,"

I nod mindlessly.

"Diana, I thought we said one. Let's not cage him, he's just coming out of his shell a bit." Dad says.

"Maybe, but he needs to be punished accordingly. Most parents would give over a month for this." Mom argues.

I remember my plans with Sky.

"I'm supposed to go out with Sky next weekend." I plead.

"Well, you should have thought of that before." Mom crosses her arms.

"Diana, please. Let the boy go. I know a good punishment: No car."

"How am I supposed to get to school?" I say.

"I definitely don't want him taking the bus." Mom whispers to dad.

"My God, Diana! When are you going to stop caring what people think and start thinking about our kids!" He whisper-screams.

They're literally acting like I'm not there.

"Call me when you guys have made up your mind." I sigh and get up. I hold onto the couch for support as my head spins.

"Darling, are you alright?" Mom grabs my arm.

"Fine." I breathe.

"You're so pale. You haven't eaten all day."

"He hasn't?" My dad rushes over to the kitchen.

They both look so worried.

"I'm sorry." I sink back down on the couch.

"No, it's alright, sweetie. It's okay." My mother rubs my back as my dad brings me some left over food.

For a moment we seem like a family again.