21. Raining On Your Own Parade

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

I wake up after a short sleep. It's Monday, meaning I have school. Ugh, and therapy. Great. Just what I needed. My head is killing me. What do people do when they're hungover? I decide to google it. Have a good breakfast, drink fluids, blah blah. Basically be healthy. Gee, like that helps.

I roll out of bed and make my way downstairs.

I'm on the lookout for my dad. I totally said some things I shouldn't have last night. I feel really bad for yelling at him.

I walk into the kitchen and find him pouring oatmeal into two bowls.

I stand in the door opening, unsure of what to say. I fiddle with my hands.

My dad looks up at me. He looks normal. A bit on edge, maybe.

"Come. Sit. I made oatmeal with banana slices. It'll help with your hangover." My dad places the two bowls on the island table and takes a seat.

I sit down across from him.

I stare down at the lumpy goo and I'm really not that hungry. I mix it with the spoon. It's so quiet. Neither of us knows what to say.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. I shouldn't have." My dad's voice is low and quiet. He's usually so upbeat, it's difficult hearing him like this.

I look into his eyes, not really knowing if he's serious or not. I thought I was the one in the wrong here.

"It's okay." I say quietly.

I concentrate on my oatmeal again.

"Sorry I snuck out. And broke your vase. And yelled at you." I mumble.

He chuckles. "That's okay."

I smirk and take a bite of oatmeal. It's not as bad as it looks.

"Chase.." His voice is strained. He's debating whether or not to say something.

I can already imagine what he's gonna talk about.

"I'm fine, dad. I just wanted to go out." I sigh.

"I didn't know you were doing drugs."

"I'm not. They weren't mine. I only got drunk. That's it." I lie.

"Okay."

It's quiet again. We both take some bites of our food.

"I just want you to know you can talk to me if something's going on." Dad looks at me earnestly.

It's hard to lie to his honest eyes. Maybe I should just tell him. About Kev. And Sky. Maybe I should just..

"Chase, please tell me if something's wrong. I won't get mad, I promise."

He will, though. He'll totally get mad because not only was I stupid enough to meet up with a stranger, I also went to his house! And then we had sex and then I regretted it! How dumb can a person be?!

I get up. "I'm full. I'm going to get ready."

"You barely ate anything, Chase."

"I'm fine, dad." I walk out of the room.

× × ×

I sit across from Dr. Lewis, who's sitting behind a huge dark wooden desk. His hair is white and his eyes blue. He's got glasses on and his fingers are laced.

"Chase." He smiles. It's a cold smile that doesn't touch his eyes. Now that I think about it it's the way my mom smiles when she's trying to hide how she's really feeling.

"Hi."

"How have you been, Chase?"

"Great. Perfect."

"Well, that's amazing. Then that concludes our session— Just kidding!" The guy laughs the phoniest laugh I've ever heard.

I smile politely.

I can't stand this guy. I wanted to switch therapists but my mom insisted he's the best one in the city. The highest paid one, that's for sure. I wish I could just go to Jennifer for therapy but she's friends with my dad and I've known her forever so that would be 'unethical'. What a load of crap.

"Chase?"

I look up.

"I asked you something. I asked which events have made last week so good." He smiles.

"Uh.. I was in New York.. with Sky." He knows all about Sky.

"It was fun." Until it wasn't.

"Yes, yes. Sky. How are your feelings towards him these days? Are you still pining after him or—"

"No. He's with Aron." I look down at the floor. "I'm dating a girl now. Melissa."

"That's great! See, I told you. Sexuality is something that people will have you believe is unchanging but as I always say; nothing is unchanging."

I nod and look at the clock. When is this finally over?

"Now tell me about something negative that happened last week."

I sigh. "I wanted to cut again."

"But you didn't." He smiles.

"I did. But that was before I went on the trip with Sky and after that I got really drunk and my dad's like, really disappointed in me and I'm scared he's gonna force me to pull up my sleeve and he'll see that.."

"Wait, hold on, slow down. Now you have me confused, are you self harming now or not?"

"Yes. Well, not last week but—"

"I always say: celebrate the small wins. Okay, you started cutting again but you've gone a week without it. You know, life is a roller coaster. We go up, we come down. It's part of the game. Celebrate the wins."

"But.. I lied to my dad and got wasted. I even did weed—"

"And why did you do that?"

I sigh and look down at my wrists. "I don't know."

I do but I don't wanna tell him. I don't wanna talk about this.

"Chase, I can't help you with a problem I don't know about."

I pick at my sleeve.

"I.. I think I'm gay. And my mom's gonna disown me if she founds out." A tear streams over my cheek.

"What makes you say that?"

"I.. had sex with this guy.."

Dr. Lewis frowns. "Another guy, okay. Go on."

"I met him online and then we went to his house and before I knew it we were doing it and I'm not even sure.. I didn't want it to go that far but I didn't know how to say stop."

"Well 'no' would be a good start. It's a two letter word, Chase."

I look up at him in disbelief. Like it's that easy.

"Could it be that maybe.. you wanted it and then you changed your mind but didn't tell him?"

I shrug. "I guess so."

"But, Chase, how can someone know when to stop if you don't tell them? It's not telepathy.." The way he talks to me.. it's so condescending. It's embarrassing.

I wipe my tears.

"Chase, we all have bad sex experiences but it's hardly something to cry over." He chuckles, handing me a box of tissues.

I grab a tissue and blow my nose.

"You know what I think? I think you're so used to feeling bad, you're not allowing yourself to feel good now. You're taking every experience and turning it into something negative. You're raining on your own parade."

"I guess. Sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, Chase! Apologize to yourself! You know? It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight or bi or what have you. All I care about is how you feel. And all I wish for you is that you feel better about yourself. So do whatever it takes to get there. I always say: life is a learning curve."

Yes, you do always say that.

"Alright?"

"Right."

"Good. High five." He holds up his hand.

I give him a high five.

"Now, I do have a little business to attend to so I'll let you go early today."

"Thanks." Why am I thanking him when he gets free money?

I get up.

"Don't forget! Learning curve."

I nod and walk out of the room.

× × ×

I pull up to dad's house but wait in the car a bit longer. I'm sure my dad's gonna be all over me now. And I still don't know if I'm only grounded for two weeks or if after last night he added an extra four.

With a sigh I get out of the car and make my way to the door. As I do, something catches my eye.

I see my dad in the living room. He's sitting next to the window, his head in his hands. His shoulders shake as tears stream down his face. He's crying. He looks so upset.

And it's my fault.