23. Sorry

Chase.

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"Loren, I'm so sorry!" I cry from the other side of the door. I'm sitting on the floor at this point. I've been here for half an hour now.

"I forgot all about it. I'm sorry!"

She doesn't respond and her door is locked so there's no way I can come in.

I wipe my tears and new ones immediately roll down my cheeks.

"Please, Loren. Just let me in."

The door swings open.

"If you really cared, you wouldn't have done this." Her look is so cold. It takes a lot to get her this angry.

"I told you, I forgot!"

"How could you forget! I sent you a bunch of texts!"

I was too drunk to even read them properly and by the time I was sober enough it was already too late.

"I know, I.."

I can't tell her. She would tell dad and dad would just freak out. There's so much I'm keeping from her I just constantly feel terrible when I'm around her because of it. But if I tell her about me and Sky it'll break her heart. If I tell her about Kev she'll scream at me. And it'll all just be another burden on this family because of me. My mom would probably implode.. I'm driving everyone insane. I just need to keep this to myself and find a way to get it together.

"Tell me what's wrong with you!" She demands.

"I just.. I just wanted to fit in. Everyone was drinking and I didn't want them to think badly of me."

"Well, now dad, mom and I all think badly of you. Congrats." Loren goes back into her room.

I get off the ground. "I'll do better."

Loren grabs her suitcase. "I don't have time to wait around for that, Chase."

"You're going back to Connecticut?" She was supposed to stay the weekend.

"I have a lot of homework." She brushes past me and walks down the stairs.

I have nothing else to say other than I'm sorry, though she's tired of hearing that.

I lean against the wall and close my eyes.

× × ×

My arm looks like a fucking battlefield at this point. One more wouldn't make much of a difference.

I push the blade inside. Adrenaline rushes through my body as I watch the blood seep out of my arm. I go in again and again. I'm filled with hate and disgust at myself.

Get it together, idiot.

You're hurting everyone you love. My thoughts accuse.

The thought that I'd be better off dead crosses my mind again. I move the blade to my vein and my hand's shaking.

One move and it's all over.. Death is always looming at the back of my mind somehow, flirting with me, trying to pull me to it's side. How sweet it would be if this was all over. If I could finally rest in peace.

I slap myself mentally for even thinking that. I remember last year. I remember how many people I hurt by doing that. It would be selfish to. Loren called me selfish and rightfully so.

I push the blade into my arm, deeper this time. Hot tears roll over my cheeks and into my bloody lap.

"Chase! Jennifer's here! Are you coming down to say hi?" My dad calls.

I take a shaky breath.

I haven't seen her in a long time. I'm not sure if I want to. She's a therapist and she's always been good at looking through people. Particularly me. I don't want her to right now. As heart wrenching as it is, dealing with things alone is easier than talking.

I wash my arm and my lap. And lastly the silver blade I just used. It sparkles in the sun.

"Chase?" My dad calls again.

"Coming!" My voice sounds strained.

I look in the mirror at my puffy eyes.

Anyone could see that I've been crying.

I splash cold water on my face and take a deep breath.

I run down the stairs.

Jennifer's waiting with her arms wide open. "Chase!" She smiles.

"Aunt Jenny!" I leap into her arms.

"Ooh, you're so thin. Are you eating enough?" She gives me a concerned look.

"'Course," I smile. "You look great!"

"Thank you! I'm so happy to see you after so long. I've just been awfully busy!"

"No, I get it." I chuckle.

It feels weird being around her. I'm happy to see her but I feel like I have to put on an act. I have to pretend to be normal. I have to pretend to be okay when really I'm bursting at the seams.

"Why don't you come sit down with us?" Jenny asks.

"Sounds lovely!" Dad chimes in.

"I don't know, dad, I'm pretty busy.."

My dad gives me a stern look. "Chase.."

"Humor me." Jenny grabs my hand an leads me to the couch.

"So tell me, how have you been?" She eyes me curiously.

"Fine. Busy with school and stuff."

"And what about your love life?" She asks.

"Um.. fine." I shrug.

Dad hands me a mug of tea and gives Jenny a cup of coffee.

"Can I have coffee too?" I could use some energy, I feel super sluggish.

"I don't think that's the best idea after last night." My dad gives me a look.

"Dad," I protest.

"Chase, just drink your tea. It'll help with your stomach."

My dad heads into the kitchen again.

I sigh annoyed. I hate when he tells me what to do. I can make up my own damn mind. I can decide what I drink, it's my body. I look down at my arm. At least that part of me is still something I control.

Jenny starts caressing my back.

"You're so tense, Chase." She gives me worried glance. "What's wrong?" She asks.

"I wish people would stop asking that.." I sigh.

"Well, they're only asking because they care about you." She looks at me earnestly.

"Come here," She leans in.

"No, I don't want to.."

She embraces me anyway.

I tense my body in protest but then she starts caressing my back ever so gently and I'm reminded of how good her gentle hugs are

I stop fighting it and wrap my arms around her too. I let out an exhausted sigh and she continues to stroke my back. I feel so comforted. She breaks my walls right down without even trying. Before I know it I start to cry again.

"It's okay.." She whispers. "Everything is okay."

× × ×

I ended up napping in her arms like I used to when I was little. It was the best sleep I've had in a while.

She just left and my dad and I are sitting together near the fireplace and the TV.

"Chase, we have to talk about what happened."

I keep my eyes on the TV and try to ignore him. He always waits when my guard is down and then he springs these surprise attacks on me. I hate it. It's manipulative and it feels like betrayal.

"Chase,"

"What?!" I explode.

"You left two days ago even though you were still grounded. Then you get yourself drunk and show up late to Rose's Christening. And now you're blowing up at me?! I don't understand you! You never used to be like this!"

"Well people change, dad! Get over it!" I snap.

"I spoke to Dr. Lewis. He says you've been skipping your therapy."

"Well he's an asshole, so.."

"Chase!" My dad explodes. "Tell me what's going on."

I get up. "I'm going out." I'm sure someone's throwing a party, I'll just crash.

Dad grabs my arm. "You will do nothing of the sort. We're going to talk about this!"

"There's nothing to talk to about!" I jerk my arm away. "I already told you! You need to give me more freedom to figure out who I am!"

Dad shakes his head as his eyes fill with disappointment.

"If this is who you are, I don't want to know you." He looks so sad as he says this. His look cuts right into my heart.

I turn around and head for the door.

"Neither do I."