28. Without Me

Sky.

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I pour some more wine in Jimmy's glass and join everyone on my couch.

Aron's staying at a friend's house so they can cram together for an exam so I decided to invite Jimmy, Heather and Harry to catch up.

We're scattered around the floor and the couch listening to each other's stories.

"But why did you guys break up?" I ask Heather.

"Because jocks sucking suck!" She's sooo drunk.

We all laugh.

"I mean first he was sweet and all but when he really got to know me he said I was too much. Like, I'm too much? How about: you're not enough!"

"Amen to that!" We all clap and laugh.

"So now I'm single and ready to mingle. I might just date you, Jimmy." Heather taps Jimmy's shoulder.

He starts to laugh. "I don't swing that way. Sorry." He chuckles.

"Boo!" Heather lays down on the couch.

"And how about you? What happened to that hottie you were dating?" Harry asks Jimmy.

"Uh.. well. He cheated on me. Like, five times." He laughs awkwardly.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah." He sighs. "The gay community, I guess."

"I know exactly what you mean! It's like everybody just sees each other as objects. It's like, yes it's a testosterone overload but that doesn't mean I don't want a serious relationship?"

"I mean, right?!" Jimmy cries. "And then they pretend like it's normal. Like, no bitch I never signed up for this poly bullshit."

"Amen." They clink glasses.

"Okay, that sucks. But at the same time, it's kinda nice to know you can have lots of sex without strings attached." I say.

"Yeah, the problem with that is that I always end up like a fucking Sam Smith song when I do that." Harry says.

Jimmy laughs. "Yeah, same. That casual shit just doesn't work for me."

They share a long glance.

"How are things with your parents?" I ask.

Jimmy sighs.

"Wait, hold up. What happened with his parents?" Harry asks.

"I came out to them and they disowned me, like I knew they would."

"Jesus."

"Yeah. And no, they haven't come around. I don't think they ever will and you know what? I don't fucking care. I love my little college dorm."

"I can't believe people would do that to their own kids." Harry shakes his head.

"How did your parents react?" Jimmy asks.

"They threw me a party, actually." Harry laughs.

"No way! Wanna trade?"

"My mom wasn't surprised when I told her about Aron. She said she could tell I was different around him. You know, my dad said the same thing.." It hurts talking about him. I guess all those talks we had about Aron were just lies too. Maybe that's when he realized he didn't want me. Just like I'd thought.

I force my mind back to this moment, with my friends.

"Because it's true! When you're around Aron you turn into a puppy!" Heather chimes in.

"I do not!"

"Yeah you do. All of a sudden you become all cuddly and sweet. It's kinda creepy.." Jimmy says.

Harry laughs in response.

"Maybe I am cuddly and sweet." I say.

Everyone stares at me before bursting out into laughter.

"Okay, shut up!" I throw a pillow at Jimmy.

Alright. I'll admit it. Aron turns me into mush. Sigh.

Heather shoots up from the couch.

"Crap, I have to finish a project for school!"

"What? A collage of your feelings?" Harry teases. She goes to art school.

Heather gives Jimmy a shove.

"I seriously need to go." She tries to get up.

Harry supports her. "A little help, here?"

Jimmy joins on Heather's other side and they hold her up together.

"What's the point in going now? You'll be too drunk to make anything!" Jimmy says.

"Even if it's just a dumb line, it'll be better than nothing!"

"Watch it being exhibited in New York in a few years.." Jimmy laughs.

"And they'll say it is her best work yet!" Harry chimes in. They laugh together.

I smile at them.

"I wish you guys could stay longer.." I pout.

"Same. Thanks a lot, Heather." Harry gives her a glare.

I open the door for them.

"I'll call you soon, okay?" Harry kisses my cheek.

"Alright. I'll see you guys later. Drive safely,"

"Will do!" Jimmy says over his shoulder.

I chuckle as they make their way through the hallway together.

We're such a weird friend group. Never thought four people that are so different would all become friends. I'm a lucky guy.

I close the door and start collecting the glasses.

I roam around the apartment cleaning things I left messy all day. Aron is a complete neat freak. Leave one room even the slightest bit untidy and he'll lose it.

When I'm done cleaning, I turn off the lights. I'm about to get ready for bed when someone starts banging on the door. Who the hell..?

"Sky?!" I hear from the other end.

I open the door and Chase falls into my arms.

"Sky! I missed you!" He's completely wasted.

"Chase?!"

"Yeah, it's me! I'm so happy you're here! I was thinking about you all the way down here.."

"You didn't drive like this, did you?" I help him to the couch.

"No! Of course not!" His speech is slurred and he smells like weed.

I lay him down on the couch.

I sit next to him. Worry overtakes me as I look at him. He's so messed up and I don't know why. Everything seemed to be going so well with school, girls..

He wraps his arms around me and clings onto me. "I'm tired.. I want bed.." He murmurs.

"You don't wanna sleep here?"

"No!"

I help Chase up and hold his arm around my shoulder for support.

"I've been thinking about you and stuff.. All the time! I think I'm gay.." He mutters as we make our way to the bedroom.

"Well, that's not so bad, is it?"

"Other than mom who will kick me out.. And Loren and.. and you..."

"What? You're not making any sense, Chase." I lay him on the bed gently.

He sighs and stares up at the ceiling.

I sit next to him.

"I mean.. everyone is already mad at me and now they're gonna really be mad because I did something stupid."

"Well, what did you do?" I ask. I try to stay calm.

He sighs.

"Can you hold me?" He asks quietly.

I put my feet up on the bed and wrap my arms around him. I stroke his hair.

"You've had sex before, right?" He asks.

I chuckle. "Once or twice, yeah."

"So.. what do you do when you don't like it anymore.. Without hurting the other person."

This question takes me by surprise.

"Just.. tell them." I shrug.

"And what if you don't.."

I frown. "You mean that happened with you?"

"Then it's my own fault, right?"

I look into his eyes. "What are you saying? This happened to you?"

"Don't get mad, okay?"

"I won't."

"I met this guy off the internet and he took me to his house and we had sex and then he just disappeared after. I went back to his house but he doesn't even live there.. I've been trying to forget it but it just.." He sighs.

"Wait, how old was this guy?"

"Like twenty.. six.. or something.. Maybe it was twenty-four.. or five.. definitely not higher than eight."

I can barely believe my ears. Since when is Chase into older guys?

"What?! Why?"

"Because I wanted to know if I was gay and I didn't have anyone else.." Tears fill his eyes.

"I didn't want it to go that far but I didn't say stop. It was my own fault.."

"It wasn't! He should've known. And you're just a kid!"

"But I came to his house! I drank his whiskey!"

"He gave you whiskey?!" I'm so angry right now. Why didn't I know about this?

I remember our conversation about meeting people online. Shit. Did he take what I said to heart? I'm not a good example to follow, doesn't he know that?

I pull him close. "I can't believe this happened to you.." I wished it never would.

He met someone online who was only out for one thing and when he got it, he left. Sure, I've had my fair share of similar experiences but I knew what I was getting into. And I wasn't as sensitive.. Knowing Chase he might have thought the guy had feelings for him and then he just disappeared.

I can't help but think about how I did something similar. We weren't ten years apart but sometimes it sure feels like it. I always mess up somehow when it comes to Chase.

"I'm sorry." I whisper as guilt eats at me.

"For what?" Chase asks.

"Everything."

After a long silence I find Chase asleep on my chest. I can't fall asleep. I'm up all night. Worried out of my mind.

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

I'm rummaging through the kitchen the next morning, looking for aspirin to stop this fucking headache. I feel absolutely dead.

Sky walks into the room.

"Where do you guys keep the aspirin? I'm dying out here."

Sky looks into the fridge and hands me a glass filled with green sludge.

"I made it when you were asleep. It's good for your hangover."

"It looks disgusting." I sit at the table and take a big sip.

He doesn't reply. I look back at Sky. He looks exhausted and worried and sad.

"I'm sorry I got drunk yesterday. I went to this stupid party.. Don't worry about it." I sip on the drink.

"Do you remember what you told me?" He speaks quietly.

My hearts starts to beat fast. What could I have told him that would make him look at me like this? Like a victim. I start to sweat.

"I.. what I.. What I told you?" I watch him cautiously.

"You told me about.. that guy you met. And what happened."

I turn away. "I don't know what you mean." I say quickly, hoping he doesn't mean what I think he did. Hoping he'll drop it.

"That guy you met on the internet. That you.. That he.." Sky struggles to get the words out.

"I didn't. He didn't. I was just drunk. I don't even remember."

"You can't lie to me, Chase. It's not gonna get better if you don't talk about it—"

"There's nothing to talk about! I had sex and then regretted it after. Simple as that."

"After or during?"

"Doesn't matter. I went to his house. I drank his alcohol.."

"That's not consent. Did he even ask if you were okay with it?"

I look away. It's that same feeling I got when Loren figured out I like Sky. Like someone looked right into my soul and stole my darkest, most embarrassing secrets. Only it's worse. He'll tell my dad. He'll give me that desperate, hopeless look again. My mom will just send me to more therapy.

I get up as my heart races with fear.

"Where are you going?" Sky asks.

"I'll call you later." I run out the door.

My heart is beating faster and faster. I know this feeling. A panic attack.

I run into the elevator and close my eyes.

I try to calm down. Think of what always helps me during a panic attack. I slide down the wall to the floor. But I can't forget Sky's worried eyes. My dad's desperation. My mother's disappointment. It's like Loren said. I'm always making everything about me. I'm always the one with the problems. First I try to off myself, then I start cutting, now this. Everyone is tired of me. I put my head in my hands. Tears stream down my face as I try to breathe.

I take a paperclip from my pocket and start scratching lines into my arm. The pain distracts me from my overwhelming thoughts and the vivid images in my mind. Images of all the people I'm failing. I press deeper and deeper into my skin while the thoughts of self hatred drown my mind. The vibrant blood seeps from my skin like the tears from my eyes.

Everyone hates me. Everyone is tired of me. Why do I always cause people so many problems? I'm a nuisance. I'm worthless. Everyone would be better off without me.