37. Change

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

After lots of begging my dad finally decided to let me go to school again. Being cooped up in my room making homework in the dark has really been getting me down. He did, however, give me a few conditions. There's gonna be a teacher following me around all day and my dad is going to take me to and from school. It's pretty lame but I'm just happy to leave the house semi-alone.

Dad and I are in the car on the way to school. It's painfully quiet. I turn on the radio.

"Chase?"

"Yeah?"

"We need to set up some ground rules before you go."

"Didn't we already set up ground rules?" I complain.

"No, those were conditions. Now, I'm fine with you talking to your friends,"

"Gee, thanks, dad. Glad I got your permission."

"Don't give me a big mouth." My dad gives me a warning look.

I sigh.

"You can talk to your friends but I want you to talk to some new people too."

"Dad.." I whine.

"I'm serious. Those guys left you in the gutter to fend for yourself. They should've stood by you. You need new friends." Dad pulls up at the parking lot.

"What I need is some time alone. Bye dad!" I open the door and basically run out of my dad's sight as fast as possible.

"Wait till Mrs. Ryder comes before you go inside!" Dad yells after me.

I'm so embarrassed.

I spot Wayne and the other guys by the side of the school.

"Hey!" I say.

"Chasey!" They give me a loud welcome. We give each other pound hugs and high fives.

"Where have you been, man? We thought you died!" Zane laughs.

"Nope. I was grounded. Like, 'don't go to school' grounded and my dad took my phone."

"Shit, man."

"Yeah.. It's been quite rough."

Suddenly there's a silence. The guys all share glances with each other.

"So... is it true?" Max finally asks.

"Is what true?" I chuckle.

They all stare at me wide-eyed.

"Everyone's saying you tried to off yourself." Wayne says.

"What?"

"Yeah, there are rumors spreading that you tried to freshman year and that this is like your second attempt or some shit." Tom says.

How did anyone find out about that? The only people from school that knew were Sky, Loren and Aron. They wouldn't tell. How do they know? Maybe someone's parent works at the hospital?

"No way, is it true?" Zane gasps.

"No! It's not! I didn't try to kill myself, not this time,"

"Shit, so freshman year..."

No use lying anymore.

I nod.

"No fucking way.." The guys all look at me in surprise. They look uncomfortable and even a little scared.

The bell rings. They all get ready to leave.

"Have any of you seen Alex?" I ask.

"Uh.. I think he's sleeping in or something. Anyway, see ya." Wayne says before heading for the door without me.

Well, that was weird.

I make my way to the entrance of the school and see Alex pull up.

I run up to his car. He steps out with a big smile on his face.

"Chasey!" He laughs. He gives me a playful punch.

"Hey." I say curtly. "Do you know what happened? With the drugs that night at the party? In the hospital I couldn't find them in my pocket."

"Yeah, I took em. Figured you might get in trouble if the popo found them on you." He grins.

More like he would get in trouble. Whatever.

"Here," He pulls up a bag of pink pills.

I look around and spot my teacher standing by the entrance.

"Put that shit down!" I shove the bag into his pocket.

"Dude, chill." He laughs.

"I don't want them anymore. They fuck with my head."

"So it's my fault? No one forced you to shove all those pills up your nose. That was just you." He squeezes his eyes together menacingly

"I- I didn't say that."

"Everyone's been saying you're like some sad, depressed loser now."

I look over at the teacher who's making her way to us.

"I can see why." He says quietly.

He leans in and whispers in my ear:  "Let's hope your next attempt works out for you."

"Chase Chambers, you are late for class. Your first day back and this is how you start?"

I'm frozen in place from Alex's cold words. Why does he suddenly hate me? What happened?

"Is everything okay, you two?" Mrs. Ryder asks.

Alex pats my back hard. "Of course. Just sharing bestie secrets." He gives her a fake smile.

"Chase?"

"Yeah." I smile too.

"Come on. To class you two." The teacher sighs and we follow her into the building.

× × ×

I have science next. Mrs. Ryder follows me into the bright white lab. Everyone is staring at me like I'm a nutcase when I come in. My eyes fall on Fawn who's sitting at the front of the class. She's sitting all alone. I notice people whispering behind her back. And she looks way different. She's wearing dark eye makeup and she's dressed in black head to toe. She looks so sad. Her eyes lock with mine. She perks up.

"Chase!" She smiles.

"H-hey." I smile back.

She frees a seat for me. I sit next to her.

"I'm so glad you're here. I was worried sick about you!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The night of the p—"

"Shhh!" I point to the Mrs. Ryder who's sitting in the corner at the back of the class, observing me.

"Oh." She starts to whisper. "When you passed out at the party your friends just wanted to take you home and keep it quiet but I knew something was wrong. I called the ambulance."

"You did?"

She nods. "I'm so sorry I didn't stay with you! Everyone was so scared and they told me to go or they would pin it all on me. I should've stayed with you." She embraces me tightly.

"It's okay. I'm not your responsibility."

"You were everyone's responsibility that night. We all failed you. No one felt bad about it but me. Can you believe that?" She looks around. Some girl holds up her middle finger to her.

"Is.. that why everyone's being so mean to you? Because you called the ambulance? Seriously?"

"They said I overreacted and that I ruined the party."

"That's bullshit!"

"I don't care. They're all fake anyway. Melissa, my friends.." She shakes her head. "They don't care about anyone but themselves."

She looks into my eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay!" She hugs me again.

"Seriously Chase? You're going back to her now?" Some girl from behind me remarks.

"What's your problem?"

"Are you guys hashtag emo together? Two wrecks for the price of one or something?" She laughs.

I shake my head and face the teacher. People are so stupid.

× × ×

It's lunchtime. I make my way to the table where all my friends are. They're all laughing about some joke someone's making.

When I reach the table they all go quiet.

I'm uncomfortable but I sit down anyway.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Look, dude. As much as we like you. We can't be dealing with your teacher-spy all day." Wayne points to Mrs. Ryder who is watching me from a distance.

"Seriously? She can't hear what we're saying."

"Still, it's kinda weird, man." Tom chimes in. "Why don't you come back when you've ditched her."

Are they serious?

Luke and Alex enter the cafeteria. The guys all get up and follow them outside.

Since when are they friends with Lucas again? Was Fawn right? About everyone being fake?

No, they just don't like people watching them all the time. I totally understand that. And maybe Lucas and the guys just made up. Whenever I'm able to ditch Mrs. Ryder they'll come back to me. And sure, they left me alone at the party but that doesn't mean they didn't care. They probably all felt pressured.

It does, however leave me here alone at lunch. Oh well, I'm used to it. I reach into my bag for my phone and AirPods but then I realize I don't have them.

Great. Thanks, dad.

"Can I join you?"

I turn around. Fawn smiles at me.

"Please," I pull out a chair.

She sits next to me.

"I like your new look." I chuckle as I point at her fishnet tights.

"Thanks." She smiles.

She bleached a few strands of hair framing her face to a light, almost white color. It looks really neat.

"I like the highlights. Nice touch."

"Thank you." She chuckles. "We should get you some highlights too. I'm sure you'd rock it."

"I'm down."

"Great." She looks very pleased.

"Fawn!" I hear a familiar voice from behind me.

Anthony Desusa joins our table. I try not to show how annoyed I am. He's too much.

"Is it bring your jock to lunch day?" Anthony says to Fawn, giving me a short glance.

"His friends ditched him. Be nice."

"What? You mean like he ditched you?" He says pointedly.

Why is he talking like I can't hear him?

"That was eternity ago. And they didn't ditch me." I say defensively.

"That was this year. And if his friends didn't ditch him, where are they?" Anthony says to Fawn.

"You know I'm right here, right? I can hear you."

"Good. Then hear this: You're a jerk. And you don't deserve Fawn." He gives me a sarcastic smile.

"I don't want her!" I snap.

Fawn looks a bit hurt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

"No, it's fine." She smiles. She avoids eye contact.

"Fawn—"

"No, it's okay." She rises to her feet. "I'll see you in class." She runs out of the cafeteria.

"Dammit." I mutter to myself.

"She still likes you, idiot."

"God, I'm so stupid." I cover my face. Why didn't I see that?

"Boys." Anthony says under his breath before leaving the table.

× × ×

I make my way to the parking lot after school. Today was terrible. My friends are ignoring me, I made a girl cry and everyone thinks I'm a suicidal wreck. They're not far off but still, that's my business, isn't it?

I really wanna cut. I feel the urge tingling in my fingers. I look down at my wrist covered by my sweater.

A car honks. I look up. It's my dad.

I run up to the car and get inside.

"How was school?" He looks nervous.

Terrible.

"Great. Can we go?"

My dad gives me a confused look before driving.

"Can I get my phone back? It's been long enough don't you think?"

"Not yet."

"Dad! You're not giving me any freedom!"

"I'm trying to protect you!"

"Why don't you just lock up in a tower!"

Dad sighs.

I cross my arms.

"How have you been feeling, Chase?" Dad asks.

I shrug. Stare out the window.

"I know you don't want to go to therapy. But you need something. You need to get help for everything that happened."

"I tried to! But that Doctor Lewis is a psycho!"

"We'll get you another therapist."

"I'm just tired of talking to people on a payroll, okay? I don't even believe in therapy, it's a waste of time. I'll deal with it."

"How? I need a plan, Chase."

I look at the buildings. They speed by. My eyes fall on a big church. I get an idea.

"The power of Christ!"

"The what?"

"I'll go to church! I'll read the bible, sing songs. That whole thing!"

"You think singing songs has the same effect as therapy?"

"I'll do one of those confessionals. That's basically therapy but like holy and stuff." I look at my dad excitedly. It's pretty sad I'd rather go to a stuffy church than to therapy but it's true. I just don't have faith in it anymore.

"I don't know.."

"I'll keep a journal. I'll meditate! Anything!"

"Fine. You can go with your mother."

So she and I can spend some bonding time praying the gay away. Great.

"Okay."

Dad pulls up at home.

"You know what would really help me? If I could see Aron and Sky.." I say.

"No." My dad looks annoyed again.

"It's seriously heartless, dad. Sky just lost his father!"

"He seemed fine at the funeral. Can you go grab that bag for me?"

We both get out of the car.

I take a big grocery bag out of the trunk.

"He seemed fine but he's not." I say.

"Enough about this, Chase."

I get an idea.

"How is Lisa doing?" I ask.

My dad gives me a look.

"Not so good.. We talk a lot. She's really struggling."

Dad unlocks the door.

"It must feel nice to know you can be there for a friend in need. You must feel so whole as a human. Wish I could feel that."

"Chase," Dad warns.

We get inside.

I give him a puppy look.

"That stopped working like three years ago so—"

"Will you at least consider it?!" I grab dad's arm.

"Fine." He sighs.

"Yes!"

"Consider, consider, no." He says curtly.

"You're cruel!"

"I'm protecting you."

"From the most harmless person I know." I counter.

"You and I both know Sky is a lot of things but he sure as hell is not harmless." Dad crosses his arms

"He's like my best friend!"

"And I doubt that's healthy."

Loren comes in from the kitchen. "I started dinner early. Chicken pot pie." She smiles.

"Where is Rose?" Dad asks.

"With her dad. Sky says having her around is healing. You know, since he just lost his dad and all."

"Tell him!" I chime in.

"Sky could really use a father figure right now. He needs you." Loren says.

My dad sighs.

"What are you so mad about anyway? That it happened to Chase or that you didn't know?" Loren asks pointedly.

Dad's eyes meet hers. They share a long glance.

"Don't talk to me like that." He says.

"What? I can't tell you the truth?"

"Enough, Loren!" Dad raises his voice.

"I know you need someone to blame.. but Chase was just as wrong as Sky. In fact, Chase was worse." Loren shoots me glare.

"You can't blame Sky for everything. It's not fair." Loren makes her way out of the kitchen.

I'm left alone with my dad.

He looks down at the sink. He seems about ready to cry. I take a step forward to hold him but he moves away.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back before dinner." He says quietly.

"Loren? Watch Chase for me."