38. I Love You

Sky.

✙ ☠ ✙

It's been about a week since the funeral. I'm seriously starting to think I'm crazy. I haven't shed a single tear since my dad died. I've been feeling strangely numb but not sad. Rosalie does make me happy and so does Aron. I've been fine and it's driving Aron sick with worry. He stayed home from school a few days after the funeral even though I told him he didn't have to. Tonight after school Aron has a cram session sleepover with some school friends so he can catch up. I told him to go. I told him I'd be fine.

"Alright. I'm off." Aron adjusts his shirt.

"Okay. Good luck." I give him a kiss.

"Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Don't worry about it. Everything's cool." I smile.

"Alright," He kisses my forehead. "I'll be back in the morning."

"I know." I chuckle.

"Call me." He walks to the door.

"I will."

He closes the door behind him and I'm left alone with Rose.

We spend our morning watching TV, napping (she napped, I didn't), we even went for a little walk.

Now she's playing with her toys while I lay down on the couch.

"Here, da." She hands me a deformed Playdoh figure made up of a blue and a yellow ball.

"What's this?"

"Da-da!"

I stare at the two blobs.

"This is me?"

"Da!"

"Why are you so mean to me, huh?" I chuckle.

She starts to laugh too.

I lift her onto my stomach and start to tickle her.

I love hearing her laugh. It's the best sound in the world.

The bell rings suddenly. I put Rose back on the floor.

"Go play. I'll be right back."

I make my way to the door and open it.

It's a delivery guy.

"I've got a delivery for Oliver Sky?"

"I didn't order anything." I grab the package. It has my name on it.

"It's from Tennessee." The guys shrugs.

Oh. I look down at the package.

"Can you sign here?"

"Sure." I write my name on his tablet.

"Thanks. Have a nice day."

I close the door when he's gone and stare at the package. It must be from grandma.

What could this be?

I rip the box open and lay eyes on my dad's blue sweater.

I'm frozen in shock staring at it.

Rose calls for me.

"I'll be right back, okay? Just keep playing."

I go into the kitchen with the package and lean against the sink.

I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.

I read the little note attached to the inside of the box.

I know you said you didn't want this but I'm sure your father would want you to have these. Please give him a chance.

We love you.

Grandma and Grandpa.

'These'? The sweater takes up the whole box. I can't imagine something else being in here. I lift up the sweater. Unless it was..

An envelope.

To My Son, Oliver

I forget to breathe for a moment looking down at his messy handwriting.

Rose calls for me again.

"I'll be right there, sweetie. Just give me a second."

My hand's shaking as I look down at the envelope.

Maybe I just need to confront it. Maybe I'll feel something.

I rip it open.

I pull out a letter, written on old lined paper.

I take a deep breath before I begin to read.

Hey Son.

I'm sad this is the only way I get to tell you these things but I just thought it would be better this way. If you're reading this. I'm probably dead. Hopefully. If no one found this before. I'm probably in hell somewhere. Dancing with the devil. Or singing karaoke songs surrounded by heat and all those musicians I love. So don't worry about me. I'm okay.

But as I'm writing this, I know you're probably not. I know you had a lot of questions. I didn't give you any answers. And I'm sorry about that. I don't like talking about sad things too much. But I hope this letter can give you some of the answers. I'm sorry if this letter is all jumbled up. This is my third time trying to write this. I'm also doing my best with the handwriting. Are you proud?

It's still hideous, dad.

I met your mother in High School. We were in the same grade. She got pregnant when she was only sixteen and we had you at seventeen much like you with Rosalie. I was madly in love with your mother. I thought we could do anything if we were together. At the time we lived in a small town here in Tennessee. She's always hated that town so when we were eighteen and got the chance, we moved to New York. It was partly to escape the criticism we got from your ma's parents and everyone else in town too. We also thought it might give you a better future with school and all. But what your grandma had warned us about is how big the city was. How hard it was going to be. You're very lucky to have Diana and Steven and your ma to help out sometimes. Your ma and I weren't that smart. We got a lot of responsibilities really fast. And it was a lot to deal with. We fought a lot and I often times left for a few days when things got hard. She was only nineteen when I left for good. I found another woman and married her (no kids, don't worry). I ran away. I felt so guilty for being the one that made your mother's life so hard. I couldn't help money-wise. I barely had a high school degree and it pained me to see her struggle. I blamed myself. I had gotten her pregnant, I was supposed to provide for her. She was working her ass off and it was hard to see. I guess I had this prideful idea that I was the man and  was supposed to earn the living. On top of that having a kid is different from what I thought it was going to be. Constantly being on edge, fearing you're doing something wrong or that you're going to ruin their life. It was easier to run away from the responsibility. So that's what I did.

The woman I married had some connections and I started making a lot more money. I sent your mom that money to try to help her out. She always sent it back. She said she wasn't a charity case and she could make due on her own. Over time I gave up and we lost touch.

I know you blame her for a lot of her shortcomings but please know that I'm the one to blame. I got scared and left the love of my life out of fear. There's no noble story behind that. I was a coward. Like you said. Please don't make the mistakes I made. I know Aron makes you happy and I can see why. Don't run away from him, ever. Don't do what I did.

I'm telling you all this now because I wanted our last memories together to be good ones. I didn't want to make it heavy. I guess in a way I ran again. I was selfish and I'm sorry. When you almost froze to death that night I realized I had been wrong to come back into your and your mother's lives. I'm not cut out to be a dad. I realized you were better off without me. So I pretended like I didn't care. Like I didn't love you. You have to know now that that was a lie. Of course I love you, Oliver. I love you more than you can understand. I'm just terrible at showing it. And.. you remind me so much of myself it scares the crap out of me. I don't want you to be like me. That's all I pray for. That you turn out like your mom and not like me. She is strong and resilient. And kind and loving. I wish that for you.

I'm not writing this so you'll feel bad and love me. I'm writing this so you know that I love you. I always have and I always will. I need you to know that.

If by some miracle I'm in heaven right now. I'm looking down on you. And I'm proud of what I see. I'm proud of you.

Dad.

A tear drips from my eye onto the paper. It smudges up the last word.

"Shit," I try to pad it dry but it only makes it worse.

I lay the piece of paper down on the counter while the tears stream from my eyes. My hand's shaking as I wipe them away. He did love me. He lied about that too. And all of that because he was scared. Reading that letter it sounded like something I could've written. We are very similar. I grab the sweater and hold it to my chest. I have no idea how to feel right now. I'm mad at him for running away, I'm happy because he loves me and I'm sad it took him so long to tell me that. That's the one thing every kid wants to hear is that their parent loves them. I sob into the sweater. Have I ever told Rosalie that I love her? Does she know?

She calls my name again.

I look over at the door opening. I freeze when I see her. She standing by the door, holding onto the wall. She's standing.

Tears of joy replace my tears of sadness.

"Rose!" I fling my arms around her and hold her tight.

"I love you. I love you so much." I kiss her all over her face.

I repeat the words again and again. Hoping she'll understand and never forget.