39. Tears, Fears and Rain

Chase.

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"Oh my God!" Loren shrieks as she runs into the living room.

"What? Did Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart break up again?" I say listlessly.

"That was like years ago. This is bigger. Sky just texted me. Rose started walking out of nowhere!"

"No way!" I sit up.

Dad joins my side just as surprised.

"Yeah! She just randomly stood up! Look at this!" Loren shows us a photo of Rose holding onto the wall standing.

"He must be so happy." I smile.

"He is. Though he sounded a bit weird on the phone."

"What's wrong?"

"His dad wrote him a letter. Aron says he's been confused and weird these past few days since reading it."

"I wonder what it said."

"Me too. He wouldn't talk about it, though. I hope he's okay. I have to get back to Yale for some school stuff so I won't be able to see him very long.." Loren gives dad a look.

He ignores her. "How lovely that Rose started walking. Anyway, text me when you reach the airport." He kisses Loren's forehead and disappears up the stairs.

"That man is so rigid." Loren stares after dad.

"He never used to be this uptight." I sigh. "I wanna hug Sky. He must need it."

Loren doesn't reply. We're still not exactly okay yet. Though she's not as mad as before.

"I'm seriously sorry, Loren. It won't happen again."

"Having sex with my boyfriend? I sure hope not."

I look into her eyes. She smiles at me. Finally. I smile back.

She joins me on the couch. "I forgive you. Sky isn't into me and.. I don't think he ever was, so.." She shrugs. "I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy to hate either of you. When Sky's dad passed it really put things into perspective. What if you or him died suddenly? And I was still holding a grudge over something that happened years ago?" She shakes her head.

That makes me really happy. I lean in for a hug.

"You're so mature."

"I know, right?" Loren pulls away.

"So, how was he?" She asks.

"What?"

"Was he like the best you've ever had?" She teases.

"I am not discussing this with you!" I laugh.

"Oh, why not! This could be fun!"

"You're just trying to make me pay."

"Don't you think I have the right to? Now spill. Rate him from one to ten." She smiles, ready for gossip.

"It happened like years ago, how would I know?"

"It's a ten isn't it?" She smirks.

I look out the window a smile curling up on my face.

"Eleven." I mumble.

Loren starts to laugh. I laugh with her.

She wraps her arms around me. "Don't keep secrets from me again, okay? Whatever it is, I can handle it."

She attacks me with kisses.

"Gross! Get off me! You're lip-gloss is all sticky."

She laughs at me. "Good." She rises to her feet. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Okay. Good luck."

"Thanks." She skips out the door.

I'm so happy she's finally forgiven me.

Sky.

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"Shit!" I yell as a mug tumbles to the floor. It's the third one this week.

"Dammit!"

Aron comes into the kitchen.

My hands are so shaky lately. Ever since I read that goddamn letter I've been a mess.

I'm about to pick up the shards of glass. Aron grabs my hands.

"I'll do it." He kisses my temple.

I sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm just.."

"Hey, I get it. It's a lot." He brooms the pieces together.

"I just never thought my dad felt that strongly about me. I thought he just saw me as an inconvenient accident. Then all of a sudden he tells me he loves me. And I can't forget when he writes he hopes I don't turn out like him. It makes me anxious. He says we're already so similar.. I don't know." I run my hands through my hair.

Aron pulls me into a hug. "You're good the way you are."

"Everyone says I'm like my dad."

"That doesn't have to be a bad thing. I read the letter and a bad man couldn't have written that."

"It's just so confusing."

"I know," Aron rubs my back.

"Want me to make you something?" He muses. "I'll make anything you want."

"Pasta."

"Sure." He kisses my nose.

"Just go relax. It won't take long."

"Thank you." Aron's an angel. He's been so supportive and understanding. Even though I accidentally ruined his favorite white shirt by putting it with the colored wash. Even though I keep forgetting what day it is. Even though we haven't been intimate in a few days which is unlike us. He's been the best. That's one thing my dad was definitely right about. I have to hold onto Aron.

× × ×

I drive through the light drizzle. It's nighttime and the streets are empty. I told Aron I was going for some air. He's watching Rose for me. I just need some time alone to think. I've been trying to stay calm and keep up a good front for Rosalie but I feel terrible. I feel so confused and lost. My dad wanted to spare me those feelings but this only made it worse. I wish he hadn't written me that letter. But without it I never would have known the truth.

As I drive by the perfect houses in the street I think of Diana's house. The white mansion. Before I know it I'm driving there. I need to talk to Steven. He probably doesn't wanna talk to me but maybe if I just explain things to him he might change his mind. Maybe he'll understand.

I get out of the car and stand in front of the gate. The soft drizzle falls down on me. It's not bad. It's still warm out so it's nice and cooling.

What am I going to say to him? 'I was younger then.' 'I didn't know what I was doing'? 'I wasn't even thinking?'

I sigh. What am I doing here? I have no right to tell Steven how to feel about his own son. Of course he's mad. He gets to be mad forever.

But maybe I get to at least explain things to him. And if he forgives me, that's great. If he doesn't, that's justified.

I open the gate just a bit. Then I close it again and decide to think of what to say first. I walk around the block and as I do the drizzle turns into rain.

I write a letter to Steven in my head.

I was dealing with things. No, I was dealing with some bad memories. Trauma, I guess and that was why I didn't think before doing things sometimes. I just did them. But I never would have done anything against Chase's will. And I really, really, really regret it. I wish it hadn't happened. I have told Chase over and over how sorry I am and I'm telling you now too.

I think of Steven. The day he found out. He was so angry. He almost hit me.

A tear streams down my face. And many more follow.

He was so filled with hatred for me. It was heartbreaking because all I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me. And then he was the opposite. I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I reach the gate again. I open it and go inside this time.

I'm stalling with how slowly I'm walking over the gravel. Playing with the wet stones under my shoes.

More tears stream down my face as I think of Steven seeing me again. How angry he'll be. He'll send me away.

I reach the door. I wonder if I should knock. It's pretty late. I think I should knock. I don't want to wake anyone. But he might not hear me if I knock.

I stand there deliberating for another five minutes.

I decide to ring the bell.