42. Prayer

Chase.

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I struggle to adjust my tie for church. I hate ties. I'm so bad at this. And my hands are shaking cause I'm finally going to spend one on one time with my mom again and she might just talk to me like I'm a normal human again and I'm not ready for it. I'm so nervous. Are we gonna talk? What would we talk about? Should I tell her I'm gay? Will she be mad at me? Scream at me? I don't know.

"Fuck!" I exclaim after messing up my tie for the fourth time.

"What's wrong?" Loren comes into the room.

"You're supposed to knock." I sigh, letting go of the tie.

Loren laughs as she lays eyes on the mess around my neck. She comes up and fixes it for me.

"You're nervous, aren't you?"

"Do you think mom will talk to me like I'm her son instead of a stranger?"

"I don't know."

"Loren! You're supposed to say: of course she will; you're her son!"

"Yeah, except, I don't know that. She's dealing with things the best she can. All you can do is try to explain things to her. How she responds is not in your control."

"Okay, yoda. Jeez, where did you get all that from?"

"Stoicism. Look it up." She pulls away. "Look at you! You look so handsome!"

"I don't want my sister saying that to me." I shake my head.

Loren laughs and heads for the door. "Relax, Chase. She may not respond how you want her to but one thing is for sure: She'll always be your mom and she'll always love you." She smiles at me.

Surprisingly that does make me feel kind of better.

"Thanks, sis."

"Good luck!" She heads out the room.

I take a deep breath and follow after her.

× × ×

I'm in the car with my mom now and it's painfully quiet. I don't know what to say to her. And I don't think this is the time to come out to her either.

"Today's service is going to be about mistakes and forgiveness. It might teach us a lot." She chuckles.

Is that her way of saying she's sorry? That she understands me and wants me to forgive her?

"Yeah." I peer over at her. She grants me a warm smile.

My mom is never too good at apologizing so this might be the best she can do. I'm kind of happy. I wasn't sure what was in store for me today but it seems only good things.

"I'm excited." I say happily.

"Good. Me too."

We pull up at the large stunning church. 'St. Michaels Church' it says on the sign.

We get out of the car and walk into the building. Mom grabs my hand and it makes me feel at ease. She hasn't gone near in me in weeks. I know I should be embarrassed or whatever but I don't care what other people think. In fact, I'm kind of proud my mom and I are doing better.

We take a seat in one of the pews in the front. Mom says hello to a bunch of fellow church goers she knows.

"Chase! I haven't seen you here in ages!" One of my mom's church friends beams.

"Yeah.. I've been so busy." I chuckle.

"I totally understand. Well, good for you, making some time to spend with the lord." She smiles.

I nod politely. Before we know it, the service begins.

The pastor tells us about mistakes and that they're inevitable to make because we're all broken, imperfect humans and that asking for forgiveness is the most important part. I honestly think it's bullshit. If God knows we make mistakes and God knows we regret it, why should we have to go out of our way to pray about it? Plus, he's the one that made us imperfect in the first place. I sigh and zone out while I wait for the service to end.

I wonder how people in this church would respond if they knew I was gay. I'd probably get kicked out.

"Chase?" Mom says after the service.

"Yeah?"

"Were you paying attention at all? I saw you yawning a few times, that isn't very polite."

"Right. Sorry."

"We came here for you, you know? I would like it if you did your best a bit more. I sure am."

"I am trying. I just don't think this stuff is interesting." I shrug.

"You don't think it's interesting to learn how to handle your mistakes?" The way she's looking at me.. so disappointed and tired.

"I know how to deal with my mistakes. I apologize to the people I hurt and hope they forgive me."

"What about God?'

"What about God? It's not like he wants me anyway." I mumble the last part.

"Why would you say that?" Mom looks concerned.

"Because.." I take a deep breath.

My mom looks the other way and spots another girl she knows. She's my age. "Oh look! It's Penny! Hey, penny!" She waves.

Soon enough the girl comes in our direction. I vaguely remember her from when I was little. We used to play games quietly during church services when we were kids.

"Hi Mrs. Chambers. Hi Chase!" She smiles.

"Hey." I say awkwardly.

"I was just telling Chase about you." Mom smiles.

She wasn't, but whatever. I guess our conversation doesn't matter. I sigh.

"Oh really?" Penny giggles.

"You know, Chase has been single for a while. I was thinking you two could go out."

"Mom!"

"What? I'm just helping."

"You're not helping! Stop meddling in my life!" I snap.

Penny looks really uncomfortable and my mom looks sort of upset and tired again.

"I really have to go find my parents. It was nice seeing you." Penny smiles politely before walking off.

"What was that? I was trying to find you a nice, respectable girl for once."

"I don't want a nice respectable girl! Don't you get it? I'm.." It's hard to get the words out with my mom's intense eyes on me.

"I don't like girls, mom." I say finally.

My mom closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She doesn't seem surprised. Just tired.

She doesn't say anything. She just stares down at the floor.

"Did you hear me? I said—"

"Not here." Mom says coldly and she walks out of the room. I follow after her.

We walk to a lunch cafe nearby. After ordering we take a seat outside.

"Chase. I know this year has been hard for you. With what happened with that man and quitting therapy.. But you're not gay, sweetie. You're just growing up and I know that can be confusing—"

"It's not that, mom! I've always liked guys! I never once really wanted to kiss a girl. But with guys it's different. It's right. That's the only reason I went online looking for that stuff anyway. Because I felt like I couldn't find gay guys anywhere else."

"Chase, I knew you felt that way and that's why I took you to this service. To learn from our sins and to try to make them right—"

"What sins?!" I exclaim. People look our way.

Mom closes her eyes again. We get our food but suddenly I'm not hungry.

"I have scheduled an appointment with reverent Dean. He can help you with this problem—"

"What problem, mom? Just say it!"

"You liking men. It's not right, sweetheart."

I knew she would say that. I knew this would happen.

"He can help you find your way back to a good, peaceful life. Please don't look at me like that, I only want what's best for you." Mom pleads.

"How is being myself not what's best for me! Mom, I can't change this. God knows I've tried!"

"All I ever wanted for you was an easy, honest life. By choosing this you're making things so much harder than they have to be, darling."

"I'm not choosing to be gay! Do you really think I would choose that?" I say.

"You're choosing to accept it. If someone has an illness and don't do anything about it, that's a choice, isn't it?"

"You're calling this an illness?" I say breathlessly, tears bordering my eyes.

"It's just an analogy. Sweetheart, I've done research. I've looked into this." She searches her bag and grabs a bunch of flyers from it. She lays them out on the table.

How to stop being gay

Gay is a choice, choose wisely

God's path to healing a confused heart

"What's this?" I ask quietly.

"These are some of the many different places that can help you overcome this. You don't have to live like this."

I grab one of the flyers.

In just three months you'll have found your way back to yourself and back to God. Now, on sale for only 1500$!

I put the flyer back down with shaking hand. I can't believe she actually wants to send me to one of these places. I've seen plenty of videos about this online.  They drug you, beat you, perform exorcisms.. Sometimes they even use shock-therapy and the biggest thing is: it doesn't work. How it's legal is beyond me. I can't believe my own mother would consider sending me to one of these places.

"I want to help you, Chase. You have to know I stand by you."

I cover my face as the tears stream down my cheeks. I can't believe she's doing this to me. Why would she do this?

"Sweetheart," She puts her arm on my shoulder. I jerk it away.

"Stop! I don't want this! I'm not going to one of these camps just because you can't accept me for who I am!"

"I do accept you! That's why I'm helping you!"

"No! You're trying to change me when I've finally figured out who I am! How could you do this to me!" I rise from my chair.

"Chase! Please sit down!"

"No! I'm done! I'm done trying to please you all the time!" My voice breaks at the end.

"You're never gonna accept me! Even if I wasn't gay! Even if I did everything the way you wanted me to! You want me to be perfect like Loren and I'll never be!"

"Please keep your voice down, you're disturbing people." My mom says quietly, looking around her embarrassed.

"No! I want everyone to hear this!" I scream. "You're a terrible mother! And I want nothing to do with you!"

I run away as fast as I can. I keep seeing my mom's disappointment. I knew this would happen. I knew she would try to fix me. She always has. I was never good enough. I should have known. I guess somewhere inside me I hoped that she would accept me. But of course not.

Some parents want what's best for their kids. Other parents just want the best kids. And since I'm not that, she's trying to change me. Just when I've reached a conclusion on a very big part of who I am she tells me it's wrong and that it's a choice.

I walk around the streets feeling hopeless, listless and in pain. It feels like my mom just clawed my heart to pieces and I'm walking around trying to find anything to mend it. It's nighttime by this point. The sky is a stunning pink color. Without having known it, I find myself back at the church. My mom's car is gone.

I peer into the church. Then I hear some organ music coming from inside. It sounds surprisingly pleasant and comforting. I find myself walking into the building. And unlike before there aren't many people here now. Only like ten people scattered around the massive church. I sit down in one the pews in the back and before I know it, I find myself talking to God. Something I haven't done in forever.

How could you let this happen? I try to be honest with my mom and you just let her.. disown me like that. Why couldn't you have made her accept me? Why did you make me gay in the first place and then tell everyone it's my fault? I wouldn't have chosen this. You know that! So tell them the truth! Tell my mom I was born this way. And you! Why did you make my life so f—

I stop myself from swearing. No matter how angry I am I can't bring myself to show that much disrespect.

Why did you make my life so difficult? What have I ever done to deserve this? I know I haven't been the best Christian but that was mostly because things started changing so fast and so much was going on..

I look around the church. Engraved in a wall near me it says:

'God listens to those who speak: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12'

I haven't prayed in months. Is that why things got so fucked up? Maybe I'm blaming God for things I've done. It all started with me. Sleeping with Sky, chasing him, wishing bad upon Loren and her baby, hating Aron and being jealous of him. Maybe it's time to admit that I've made mistakes and.. maybe I had to pay for them.

I look down at my hands. I slowly put them together and lace my fingers. I close my eyes.

God.. I'm sorry about all the people I've hurt. About Fawn who I was cruel to, my family who I left in the dark by endangering myself and Aron and Sky for putting them through so much this year. And last year. And the year before that. I'm sorry I blamed you. I was selfish in all those situations and I want you to know how sorry I am.

Please. I'm coming to you in my darkest hour. Please hear my pleas and forgive me. And take me to the right path. I think.. Being on my own all this time has had disastrous effects. I think it might be best if I stay with you for the time being. So please, God. Help me in my time of need. Help me feel loved, help me heal from all I have been through and help me move on. It's all I want.

In the name of the father, the son, the holy ghost, Amen.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes. And I feel better than I did before. I look at the stained glass ceiling.

"Thank you." I whisper.