48. Amen

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

Anthony is taking me to his church today which... should be interesting. It's supposed to be an LGBT friendly church.. I don't know what to expect. Knowing Anthony it's probably going to be more of a party than a church service.

I make my way downstairs and just that moment I hear the doorbell.

I open the door and for once Anthony is not wearing pink. Today he's all light blue. He looks great.

"You're blue." I say matter-of-factly.

"Thought I'd try matching your general mood."

"Ouch." I laugh.

× × ×

After a highly uncomfortable yet kind of exciting life-risking motorcycle ride we turn up at the church. It's located on a beautiful cliff right next to the ocean.  It's a lot smaller than my church and there's a rainbow carpet outside that says 'Be welcome' but other than that it looks pretty normal.

We hear piano music coming from inside.

"Here you go." A young boy hands me a paper with lyrics on it.

"Thank you." I nod at him and follow Anthony inside. I look around and notice  multi-colored spotlights lighting up the front of the church.

"Wow." I mutter.

"Cool, right?" Anthony says.

"I guess." I shrug. We sit down at one of the pews in the middle.

There's a big cross on the altar and behind it there's a sign that says: God is Love.

I look around and notice all sorts of different people showing up. There are regular-looking people but also some with colored hair or other things you'd never see in a normal church.

After the song the pastor steps on the small stage. He looks like he's in his forties and he's wearing a rainbow stole.

Anthony laughs at my surprised expression. "Father Jeremiah. I'm sure you'll love him." He whispers.

I nod.

"Thank you, David. That was beautiful." The pastor says to the piano player.

"Alright, everyone. Hello." He smiles as he looks around the room. "I see we have a few new faces here today. Welcome."

"Firstly, I want you to know that even if at this time in your life you don't dwell with God, you are always welcome here. We're always here if you need advice or any other kind of help. Is there anyone who would like to share some news or perhaps some of their worries from this week?"

A dark-skinned girl with long black curls reluctantly raises her hand.

"Go ahead." Jeremiah says.

She goes on to tell us about being transgender and the issues she faces with that. The priest asks for more people to share their worries and I notice there's a lot of people struggling with themselves. Some think they can't be a Christian because of their sexuality. Others are worried their family won't accept them. We pray for them. I think of myself and how much I struggle with those exact things. I haven't been here too long but I already feel less alone than I did before.

Father Jeremiah continues on.

"In a similar vein, today's service is about acceptance. Acceptance of who you are despite what others say. The only person whose judgement should matter is that of God. I know there are many people who say God cannot love you if you are LGBT+ but that is simply not true. Jeremiah 31:3: The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness'. From John 3:16 'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life'. Now does that sound like God does not love you?" Jeremiah looks into the crowd.

I feel goosebumps on my skin. The way he talks with such conviction.. It doesn't feel weird or like he's just power hungry. It feels like he's genuinely concerned for us. And angry about the misinformation people are spreading.

"For by Him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all were created by Him and for Him.' Colossians 1:16."

"1 Timothy 4:4: 'For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.' How much more proof do we need that God loves us unconditionally? Yes, the old testaments are filled with passages that are used to condemn LGBT... but no one ever talks about how the old testament is filled with incest, slavery, stonings. All things that are no longer applied. It is forbidden to eat shellfish according to the old testament, yet we know that that no longer applies. So why then? Why do so many of our brothers and sisters cast judgement on us?"

Us? It only now occurs to me that Jeremiah is part of the LGBT community somehow. I've never met a pastor like that. And he's so open about it..

"Because they are not following the path of Christ. Their hearts are filled with hate instead of love for their neighbors and it is not us but them who are wrong. For God said in 1 peter 4:8 'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.'"

"Let us rejoice in love. Please join me in this hymn called 'The Love Of God'"

We rise and sing the song together. I vaguely remember the old hymn.

Afterwards the pastor gives people turns in reading different scripture which he explains and simplifies. His way of looking at the bible is so different from what I'm used to. He says we're all made by God and good the way we are. It's the polar opposite of what my mom tells me and of what I've thought about Christianity all my life.

"Before we end this service in song, I'd like to give you one of my favorite LGBT, and general human tolerant bible quotes:  'There is neither Jew nor Gentile, slave or free, or is there male or female for you are all one in Christ Jesus.' Thank you for coming. And remember, our doors are always open."

The pianist starts playing again and we all rise for the last song after which most people make their way outside.

Anthony is looking at me, anxious for my response.

The truth is... I'm kind of speechless. I was always taught that being gay was wrong by my mom. I've felt like I was doing something wrong this entire time and now it turns out that that wasn't the case at all.

"And? What do you think?" Anthony asks impatiently.

"It's kind of..." I mutter. "Can we go outside?" I say, my voice hoarse.

"Sure." Anthony says concerned.

We go outside together. The warm sun hits my skin.

"Are you okay?" Anthony asks gently.

"No." I laugh. My eyes sting from the sudden tears.

"I was.. My mom, basically told me that if you're gay you go to hell. So that's what I believed all this time and now.." I stare out at the glistening water.

"It's kind of hard to believe." I chuckle.

"Hey, I know how you feel." Anthony rubs my back.

"My dad and sister are okay with me but.. my mom won't accept me. She almost sent me to a conversion camp." I mumble.

"Seriously?" Anthony look pissed.

"Yeah.."

I remember the look on her face when we were at that cafe. She looked so ashamed of me. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache.

"Well, screw her."

"What?"

"Yeah, screw her. Not accepting someone is one thing but putting them in danger like that? Toxic. Cancelled." Anthony crosses his arms. He frowns angrily.

He seems genuinely mad at my mom. Which means he must care about me, right?

..Or maybe it just angers him that gay people are still being treated this way. It's probably not that personal.

"Cancelled? Where's your Christian forgiveness?" I laugh.

"With people who deserve it."

Good point. I don't think my mom sees anything wrong with what she did.

We meet each other's eyes and he grants me a comforting smile.

I feel butterflies in my stomach and I can't bring myself to look away from Anthony's eyes. They're almost black normally but in the sunlight you can see all the little ridges and brown color. They look like a landscape.

"Ooh la la!" We hear from behind us.

We both turn around and suddenly some guy with bright pink hair flies into Anthony's arms.

"Oscar!" Anthony exclaims excitedly.

Is it bad I kind of wish Oscar was in the ocean we were just looking at?

"I totally missed the service, my bad!"

"Who is this?" Oscar scans me in the most obnoxious way.

"This is my.. friend, Chase."

We're friends now? Really? I mean, I think we're friends but you never know how others feel. I'm so glad Anthony considers me his friend.

"I'm Oscar."

I shake his hand. I thought Anthony was over the top but here is Oscar with his pink hair and so much makeup he could pass for a drag queen.

I look back at Anthony and wish we were alone.

× × ×

We decided to go for ice cream and the entire time Oscar was talking (very loudly) about this drag show and that drama and I just wanted to go.

We're in front of my place now. Thank God Oscar went home already.

I look around, trying to come up with something to say. For some reason I'm kind of nervous now.

"Thank you. For bringing me today. It was.. really eye-opening and it means a lot." I say finally.

"Well, I'm happy you liked it." He smiles.

"So we're friends now, huh?" I tease.

"Unless you don't wanna be." He says awkwardly.

"I do." I say quickly.

He smiles at the ground.

"Alright.. I'll see ya." I wave.

WHY? STOP WITH THE FUCKING WAVING, CHASE.

"Bye." He chuckles.

I go inside and lean against the door. My heart's beating like crazy. But it's not a bad feeling. It's nice. Sort of. Anthony makes me so happy. I never thought I could feel this good around anyone other than Aron and Sky.

I walk into the living room where Loren and dad are hanging out.

"Did you have fun with Anthony?" Dad asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."  I mumble thinking about Anthony's eyes and his smile.

"Hey, I think he's— Are you..?" Dad stammers.

"What?"

"Do you have a crush on him?" Dad asks in disbelief.

"No! Of course not!" My face goes bright red.

"Oh my God, look at him!" Loren laughs.

"Who is this Anthony guy?" She asks.

"No one! And I'm not crushing on him. We're just friends!"

"I need to meet this guy!"

"Changing the subject: Dad, can I have my phone back, please? I promise I won't go on any weird websites or talk to strangers."

"Hmm. I don't know."

"PLeeaaasseee!!" I beg.

"Loren, what do you think?"

"I say let him have it back. He's probably just gonna text his crush anyway." Loren teases.

"You guys are so embarrassing!" I pull my hoodie over my head.

"It's in your room, Chase." Dad smirks.

"Yes! Thank you!" I fling my arms around his neck and hug him tight. I give Loren a kiss and run upstairs.

I grab my phone from my desk.

I know there's no need to check for messages since I have none.

I go on Instagram and type in Anthony's name. I go on his page and every photo is him looking flashy and.. perfect. Not a hair out of place. I go into the comments. Most comments are from people saying 'slay' and 'yaaass queen' but then there is the occasional 'hey hottie' and 'dm me' that really piss me off. Thankfully he doesn't respond much. I wonder if he has a boyfriend. Doesn't really matter but.. you know, since we're friends now, I think I ought to know.

I spend hours scrolling through his 1000+ posts and photos he's tagged in. I know it's kind of obsessive but I'm just..

curious.

***

That night I lay in bed, hands folded together, talking to God. And I feel really comforted and safe.

Thank you for today. Thank you for showing me the way to read your word and for showing me that I'm not broken by default for being gay. I also want to thank you for bringing me to Anthony. He's honestly a blessing in my life and I feel very grateful to know him. Please forgive me for all the things I've done wrong today and help me be a better person.

Thank you.

In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost,

Amen.