5. Empty

Sky.

✙ ☠ ✙

It's like two AM when I hear some rustling from the hallway. I'm laying in bed next to Aron when someone comes into the room. I only see a vague shape in the dark but it looks like Chase. He bumps into a table, waking Aron.

"Fuck!" He whispers.

"Chase?" I lift my head up.

"Who else has the keys?" He grumbles.

I frown and look at Aron. He seems just as confused as me. Chase is never this easily annoyed.

"How'd the date go?" I ask.

"Fine. We kissed." Chase takes off his shoes and crawls into the bed, lying down between me and Aron.

"Really? That's awesome!" I say.

Radio silence. Confused, I look at Aron.

He shrugs in the same confused fasion. "You guys dating now?" He asks gently.

"Dunno." Chase wraps his arm around my stomach and lays his head on my chest.

He seems really upset.

I stroke his hair. Aron massages his shoulder.

"So.. why are you so upset?" I ask.

"I'm not.. Just tired."

He sounds kind of sad though..

Aron and I share a confused glance.

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

I wake up on Sky's chest the next morning.

I look beside me. Aron's gone. Off to class I'm guessing.

I'm so sad about yesterday. It was.. great. Technically. But I just didn't feel a thing. I was nervous to be going out with her.. but that's because of my anxiety, not because I liked her. We have so much in common and I do kind of like Fawn but.. I just felt no romance. No butterflies. No sex. Nothing. And that kiss! Oh, God, that kiss! It was absolutely empty until.. Until my mind went where it always goes.. to Sky. I thought of him when I kissed her. And I know it was completely wrong but I couldn't help it. And then I opened my eyes and I saw her and I just felt sad.

I look up. Sky's still asleep. He has his arm on my shoulder.

I'm overwhelmed with love when I look at him.

I scoot up a bit and lean over him. I run my hands through his hair. My heart beats fast. Fire. Passion. Love.

"When will I finally get over you?" I whisper to myself.

I frown and I trace his perfect face. I caress his cheek.

He twitches a little and then he opens his glorious blue eyes. In the soft white light of the morning he looks breath taking.

His intense gaze softens when he sees me.

"Hey, Chase."

He yawns.

"Hi." I smile.

He runs his fingers through my hair. Then he begins to twirl some strands.

I watch him with wonder. He gives me a soft smile.

It's the kind of smile you'd give to a brother.. family. It's not the right kind of smile. Not the right kind of love. Dammit. Why can't I just let go?

"What's wrong?" He murmurs.

I frown and shake my head. "Nothing."

He eyes me with a concerned look on his face.

He does care about me. Shouldn't that be enough? Why can't that be enough?

I lean in till our foreheads touch.

He doesn't push me away. He just strokes the back of my neck.

I get chills everywhere.

I could kiss him. I'm so close, I could kiss him. Would he mind? Would he push me away?

He moves his hands from my neck to my upper arms.

New tingles on my skin.

I pull away a bit and look into his eyes.

Suddenly he's blushing and laughing a little.

He looks so good when he smiles.

"Uh.. Chase?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you have little morning issue." He pats my arm.

I'm confused at first... then I realize what he's getting at. I look down.

"Oh, God!" I pull away.

Sky is laughing hysterically.

He wouldn't be laughing if he knew this had nothing to do with the morning.

This is so embarrassing.

"Stop laughing!"

"I'm trying!"

I cover my face.

× × ×

The second I pull up to school I'm met by a big group of people. They immediately crowd my car. I frown.

What the hell is going on? This is so weird! I really don't understand why everyone is so all over me lately. It can't just be because I look different, right? People can't be that shallow.

I step out of my car.

"Dude, nice work!" Lucas gives me a pound hug.

"What?" I ask confused.

"I heard all about your date." He winks at me.

"What do you mean?"

"Dude," Zane chimes in. "Everyone heard you and Fawn totally made out last night."

No way.

"What did she say?" I ask, panicked.

"Well, she said you're a great kisser." Lucas pats my back.

Everyone starts bombing me with questions.

"I'm so excited to see you smooch your girlfriend in public." Luke whispers in my ear.

Still weird. I shiver.

Just a moment later Fawn and her girls show up.

I watch her wide-eyed.

She stands six feet across from me.

"Hi." She says.

"Hey." I wave.

WHY DID I WAVE?

This is really awkward.

Suddenly one of the guys pushes me towards her.

I almost fall on top of her but I grab her shoulders out of some weird reflex and manage to stay on my feet.

She watches me with huge eyes.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss.." The guys all cheer. Even Fawn's squad's cheering now.

The pressure is on.

I really don't want to kiss her. I just want to take her somewhere quiet and break this whole thing off!

She watches me with anticipation.

There's no way I can say anything now.

I lean down and kiss her.

Everyone starts to yell and cheer. It's like I just scored at a football game, that's how loud they are.

I don't understand why everyone suddenly cares so much what I do!

I pull away and Fawn's cheeks are flushed.

Melissa is eyeing me intently though I have no clue what her look means.

The guys all grab my shoulders and pat my back.

And I just feel empty.

× × ×

I run to my room and smash my bag on the floor. I jump into my bed and groan into my pillow.

I hate people. I hate school. I hate my new life.

I wanna go back to being invisible. Hiding from Luke and his squad. Having no friends and just listening to good music in the corner of the cafeteria during lunch. Life was so much easier then.

I grab my phone and mindlessly tap away at the internet.

I wonder about the kiss.. about myself. I did like Sky last year. And I sort of still do. And I didn't like kissing Fawn at all. So could that mean that I'm gay? I mean.. probably. Or maybe Fawn just isn't the right girl. I don't have to be gay just because I liked a guy once. Maybe I'm bi.

..I wonder if it would feel different if I kissed a guy. That was a long time ago.. maybe it's different now. But how do I even meet gay guys? I can't get into a club, I'm sixteen. And I sure as hell can't mess around with some of the open gays at school because then that would make my already hellish life even more hell.

I stare down at my phone.. and then I get an idea.

Lot's of things start online these days, right?

I download the GAYDr app and make a profile. I use the nicest selfie (which sadly still has my face on it, so it can't be that nice) I have as the profile picture.

I swipe around but I'm too nervous to heart any of these guys. It's so nerve wracking.

Before long I get a message.

Stranger85: Hey handsome

Oh my God, he called me handsome!

I look at his profile. His name is Kev. He's 26, he's from England though he's from Indian descent and he's a businessman. He has broad shoulders and a long sharp face. His hair is black and straight. His eyes are amber. He looks really nice.

Chaser49: Hi!

Stranger85: How old r u?

Shit, this app is actually 18+. Should I tell the truth?

Chaser49: I'm actually 16. Hope ur not mad

It takes him a few minutes to respond. It makes me really nervous. He totally hates me now.

After a while I get a new message.

Stranger85: No, i don't mind.