8. Connection

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

"No way!" Luke laughs the loudest, most obnoxious laugh I've ever heard.

Melissa giggles as she sits on top of him, eating his ice cream.

I'm sitting next to Fawn who is constantly making googly eyes at me.

We're hanging out at a snackbar in some sort of double date situation. It's painfully boring. I really wanna leave.

Stranger85: Is it that bad?

Chaser49: it's so boring it's painful. all they talk about is football and booze

Stranger85: Sounds exciting to me

Stranger85: jk

Chaser49: hardy har har

Stranger85: You know.. we could hang out too

I look at my screen kind of shocked. Of course I've thought about meeting up but.. I don't know. I guess I didn't really consider it seriously.

I mean.. Sky did say that's how he met some of his people. He even laughed. It could be fun..

Stranger85: only if u want to

Chaser49: i rlly can't leave right now..

Stranger85: how about later?

I get nervous just thinking about it.

"Babe?"

I turn off my phone.

Fawn looks sort of concerned.

"You've been on your phone all night.. Aren't you having fun?" She asks.

No.

"Of course I am. Sorry." I kiss her cheek.

She smiles. It makes me feel terrible when I see her so happy because of me. It makes me feel guilty. She really seems to like me. Why can't I just like her? Why can't I just be straight? It would be so much easier if I was.

I lean in and kiss her, desperately trying to feel something.

Nothing. Zip.

"Yeah Chase, get in there!" Luke yells.

I pull away.

"Oh wow." She looks so happy.

Dammit.

× × ×

I walk circles in the dark street holding my phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"H-hey."

"Ah, Chase, it's you. I'm happy to hear your voice. Are you done with the date?"

"Yeah.." I shuffle my foot on the floor.

"Was it good in the end?"

I sigh just thinking about it.

"Oh.. Hey, I didn't freak you out earlier right? When I asked if you wanted to meet IRL.." Kev chuckles.

"No. I was just busy..."

"Ah.."

I stare down at my feet.

"You wouldn't— Would you still want to come? Maybe?"

"Of course I would! I would love to!"

I smile. "Okay.. Where do you wanna meet?"

"How about.. outside of Doug's Grocery store in an hour?"

It'll be 1 AM by then. Way past curfew. Though I'm sure my mom won't even notice.

"Okay."

× × ×

I keep my hands in my pocket and walk around on the parking lot. I'm so nervous. I barely even know this guy! What if he's a crazy serial killer? What the hell am I doing here? I could be risking my life right now! This is crazy. I should go. I'm early anyway. I'll never talk to him again.

I walk in the opposite direction when I bump into someone.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I say.

As I look into his eyes I realize it's Kev.

"Chase!" He embraces me like we're old friends.

"Kev!" I say breathlessly. Guess we can scrap the walking away plan.

He pulls away.

"Wow, you're tall!"

I nod.

"Your picture does you no justice."

I scratch my head as I blush like crazy.

I put my hands back in my pocket. "So.. what do you wanna do?" I ask.

"Whatever you want. Though a lot of places are closed now so maybe we could just walk around?"

That's safe enough. I'm guessing a crazy killer would've already gotten me to some dark den by now but no, he wants to stay in public! Plus! I've been talking to this guy for days now. If he was crazy, I think I'd know.

"So, wanna tell me more about your night?" He asks.

"No. I'd rather not actually." I chuckle.

"Ouch." He laughs.

"I have no idea how you could pretend for so long. I feel like I'm being suffocated all the time."

"Wanna know the truth?" He asks.

"Sure." I look him in the eyes.

"I drank a lot." He shrugs like it's normal.

I burst out laughing cause it's so insane to me.

"Isn't that like really bad, though?"

"Not really. I mean, sure, it's not the best for your body but you gotta die of something, right? Wanna die of stress or of alcohol?"

He has a point there. Stress kills a lot of people.

"At least when I drank I still had fun. I think it's a win-win."

"You're crazy." I laugh.

"I'm not! I'm just open minded." He smiles.

"Oh really! Is that it?" I laugh.

He gives me a playful push. I do the same.

"And your girlfriend.. What did you say her name was?"

"Fawn."

"Right. Fawn." He mocks her.

"Oh stop, she's nice."

"Oh really? Is Fawn nice?"

I push him again. Instead of pushing me back he puts his arm on my shoulder.

He smells nice.

"You never told me what you were looking for on GAYDr." He says casually.

I shrug. "I don't know.. connection, I guess."

"What kind of connection?" He looks me deep in the eyes. It makes me nervous.

"Just.. wanted to try something new."

"With older men?" He stops holding me.

I shrug. "Sure."

I notice he's gone quiet.

I look at him again and he's watching me with big eyes.

"What?!" I ask nervously.

He starts to laugh. "Nothing. You're cute is all."

"Thanks. So are you." I mumble the last part.

"Aww, am I making you shy?" He wraps his arm around me again.

"No!"

He bursts out laughing.

"Shh! Quiet! Everyone can hear us!" I laugh. We're walking through an ordinary neighborhood.

"We can also go somewhere quiet." He suggests.

"Everything's closed." I say.

"Well we could go to my house."

He wants to take a near stranger to his house?!

"Only if you want, Chase. Don't panic." He squeezes my arm.

I relax a little.

"You know, I did buy your favorite ice cream... If only I had someone to share it with.."

My stomach rumbles. "Really?!"

"Yeah." He smirks at me.

This is really irresponsible. But then again, I'm a teenager. Isn't this the time to be irresponsible? When Sky reached my age he'd already done this, like, millions of times. And I wanted to experience kissing a guy again. Now I finally can!

"Okay." I say after a long silence.

× × ×

He lives really close by so before long we've reached his house.

He opens the door and guides me inside.

I walk straight into his living room. The yellow lights are already on. The place looks like a typical guy's house I guess. Nothing but the essential and little to no decoration.

"Sit down, make yourself at home. Would you like a drink?" He asks.

"Yes, please."

"Coming right up. You can turn on the TV if you want."

I nod and do as he says.

There's some sort of cartoon playing, though I can't really focus on it since I'm so nervous. I'm in a near stranger's house and I think.. I think we're gonna hook up. That's why he brought me here, right?

"Here,"

I flinch as he hands me a cup and a bowl of ice cream.

"Hey, relax." He massages my shoulder.

"Sorry. I didn't see you."

"No worries." He sits down next to me and we proceed to watch the cartoon while eating the ice cream.

When I'm done eating, I take a sip of my drink and almost spit it back out. It tastes disgusting. From the golden brown color I'd say it's probably whiskey.

He chuckles.

"It's strong." I laugh.

"Yeah. A nice stiff drink will calm you down. You're seriously tense."

"I know. Sorry."

"Hey, no need to fret."

He continues to massage my shoulder with one hand. I chug the drink down. It's seriously gross but I don't wanna be impolite and not drink it.

I become more and more aware of his eyes burning on my face.

I meet his gaze.

"So.. What do you wanna do?" He asks.

I kind of look around awkwardly. "I don't know.." I shrug. "What do you wanna do?"

He stares at me for a long time.

"I can think of something.." He leans in closer.

He's gonna kiss me. Shit, he's gonna kiss me. My heart beats out of my chest as his lips lock with mine.

I feel so weird kissing him. He's pushing me further and further behind on the couch. His kiss isn't soft or gentle. It's rough and strong.

It's so different from Sky. I don't know how to feel about it.

I gently pull away.

"It feels weird.." I laugh sheepishly like a five year old kid.

I'm so lame. I'm so fucking lame.

"It always does. Don't worry about it." He smiles. "Do you want another drink?"

I nod.

He gets up and walks into the kitchen.

Maybe I'm not ready for this. It feels so strange.

Maybe I should just leave cause suddenly I'm so nervous I wonder if I'll enjoy it anyway.

"Here you go." Kev hands me another drink.

I smile and take a big sip. Let's hope this calms me down cause I definitely don't have the courage to walk away right now.

"I know you're nervous.. but you have nothing to worry about. Just try to go along with it." He smiles reassuringly.

I nod. When I've finished my drink I lean forward and kiss him. He pulls me closer and takes the lead again. I try to take it all in. To learn how it's done, I guess.

"Take off my clothes." He whispers in my ear. It sends shivers down my spine.

My hands are trembling as I try to unbutton his shirt.

I can't push the button out of the hole, that's how shaky my fingers are.

He chuckles. "You are so cute."

I'm so embarrassed.

// Sorry to disturb you. This chapter takes place in the future when both characters are adults. \\

He takes off his own clothes and I take off mine.

He stares at my body for a while when I'm naked. I already told him about my scars but he's still staring at me. He must think I'm hideous. Maybe he's trying to find a way to say he doesn't want me anymore.

"You're beautiful, Chase." He tells me. A gleam of kindness covering his eyes.

I smile back at him feeling surprised and honored.

He kisses me with force. Much more so than before. It's intimidating and uncomfortable but I don't speak up.

Everything is happening so fast. Before I know it I'm laying on the couch and he's shoving his thing into me. It doesn't just feel uncomfortable like with Sky. It's actually painful. I bite my lip so I don't make a sound.

He squeezing my arms against the couch.

He doesn't hold back one bit. And he doesn't seem to notice my discomfort.

"You're so good. You're so good, Chase." He keeps repeating like I'm doing anything.

I try to take mental notes of what is happening. I try to figure out if I like it or not. Maybe I'm doing something wrong and that's why it hurts so much.

My vision is kind of blurry and it feels like I'm not really there. I feel the drink take effect.

I squeeze my eyes closed and wait for it to end.

It takes a long, long time.

I wince when he pulls out of me.

"Wow.." He heaves.

I sit up slowly. Try not to respond to my aching body.

And the only thought that circles my mind is if he really thinks I did okay.

I watch him, insecurity coloring my cheeks.

"You were amazing." He caresses my face and leans in for a kiss. I feel relieved and I kiss him back.

× × ×

Kev went to take a shower.

"You know the way out." He'd said. Like the job was done. No need to see me off or anything. We both got what we were looking for. Connection.

I stare out at the TV blankly. I watch the cartoon.

I feel more disconnected than ever.