Mid-Thirties Slightly Hot Mess Female Seeking Billionaire: Chapter 11

Sarah

Dear Diary,

I’m dead.

Seriously.

I cannot say more as my head is buried in the sand.

Shameful and Saddened Sarah

I wake up with a massive hangover and swear that I am never going to drink again.

I rub my pounding temples and let out a moan as Johnson jumps onto the bed to lick my face.

‘It’s moments like this that I wish I still lived at home,’ I whisper into the room. ‘Johnson, can you go and make me some eggs and a coffee?’

He just sits there and looks at me, batting his long eyelashes. I know he wants to go on a walk. There’s no way that’s happening right now though. I don’t even think I can get out of bed.

‘Oh, my head, how much did I drink last night?’ I mumble as I think back to the night before, and memories come flooding in. Meeting up with Ella, hanging out with Isabel, dancing in the small little bar we’d gone to, drinking tequila shot after tequila shot, and then pitchers of sangria. We’d really gone to town. We’d been celebrating Ella’s return to New York City, but maybe we’d gone a little bit hard for a weekday, especially considering the fact that I have an appointment with Ethan Rosser this morning.

My heart beats erratically as I think about him. Maybe he and I can be friends in some form of the word. I mean, I know we won’t be friends friends. I am not on his level. He’s my boss, and I know I can’t hope for more. Sure, he kind of flirted with me, maybe, but there’s a no-fraternization policy at the company that he instituted, and he made it pretty clear that there are thousands of women after him. And if there are thousands of women after him, he won’t think twice about me.

My head feels like a hammer is banging against my skull, and I groan. ‘Oh, man, I don’t feel good,’ I say as I try to sit up. I know I need to make some greasy eggs and drink plenty of water. ‘If I had a boyfriend or a husband, he could get them for me right now,’ I mumble, but that doesn’t make me feel better because I have neither a boyfriend nor a husband. I’ve no potential ones on the horizon, either.

‘Maybe one day I’ll find myself a millionaire,’ I say, and then I freeze as I remember other things from the previous night.

‘Wait, did I write a personal ad?’ I groan, wondering if that’s true. ‘Mid-thirties, slightly hot mess female seeking billionaire,’ I say out of repetition, and I groan. ‘I am going to kill Ella and I’m going to kill Isabel,’ I say. ‘I can’t believe they had me writing that stupidness. I hope I didn’t put it on a dating site anywhere.’ I reach over for my phone to see if I had posted it anywhere.

My heart immediately starts racing when I see a message from Ethan Rosser that had come in in the early hours of the morning. For a moment, I feel like maybe it’s a drunk message. Maybe he’s flirting with me. Maybe he does like me and wants to let me know that he’s interested. Maybe he’s even been trying to butt-dial me or was trying to get me to come over for a late-night booty call. I smile suddenly at the thought. I totally would have gone.

‘That wouldn’t even be a flattering message, Sarah,’ I chastise myself as I open the email. I don’t know why I feel excited that he could be inviting me over for a late-night lovemaking session.

My heart drops immediately when I read what he has to say and the fact that he wants to see me on Monday. My jaw drops as he posts sentences from my personal ad. The private one that we’d messed around making last night.

‘Ms. Kahan, please inform me as to why this was posted on the company intranet.’

The words make my heart stop. What the hell is going on?

The fact that my personal ad, which was written as a joke, that was not meant to be seen by anyone, had likely been seen by everyone at Rosser International who logged in to the intranet, including Ethan, makes me want to curl up and die. How had my dumb ass posted it there? Then, I remember clicking on Dave’s email and link and Isabel taking my phone and typing it up. She must have posted it by mistake.

‘I hate you, sangria,’ I wail, thinking I’m about to pass out, throw up, or maybe both. That would just be my luck. I’d throw up and then pass out and wake up in my own puke. How disgusting, but maybe I deserve it.

I quickly call Isabel. She answers with a groan after three rings.

‘You woke me up, Sarah. What’s going on?’ She sounds groggy and like she’s also in the midst of a hangover, but I don’t feel bad at all.

‘I am going to kill you,’ I say, anger in my voice. But it’s not just directed at her. It’s also directed at myself.

‘Okay. Can it wait until after I wake up?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘Hold on. I’m calling Ella.’

‘Fine.’ She moans.

I place her on hold and do a three-way call. Ella answers almost immediately. ‘Hey, sunshine. How’s it…’

‘Don’t sunshine me. Hold on.’ I press the button so we’re all connected. ‘Isabel, you there?’

‘I’m here,’ she says in a grunt.

‘Ella, you there?’

‘I’m here. Morning, Isabel.’

‘Oh, hey, Ella. How’s it going?’

‘Good. Are you hungover?’

‘Yeah, I’m hungover. You’re not?’

‘Just a little bit,’ she says. ‘But Colton gave me this green juice that—’

‘I don’t want to hear it,’ I say. ‘I don’t have a Colton. I don’t have anyone. I’m hungover as shit, and guys, I hate you both.’

‘Oh, so it’s not just me you hate,’ Isabel says.

Ella is silent.

‘Don’t you guys want to know why I hate you?’

‘Well, I figure you were going to tell us,’ Ella says. ‘What did we do now? Is it because you’re hungover, and is it because I have a man? I can have him bring you over some of the green juice that he…’

‘It’s got nothing to do with green juice. I don’t care about green juice.’ I groan. ‘Though if he wants to send me over a bucket load of green juice and some eggs, I’m not going to say no.’

‘We can do that,’ Ella says. ‘You want some, as well, Isabel?’

‘Hey, if it’s on offer, I’m accepting,’ she says.

‘Okay, hold on. Colton,’ Ella calls out to her boyfriend.

‘Yes, dear.’ I hear mumbling in the background.

‘Isabel and Sarah are also really hungover. Can you have your driver take them over some of those green juices that you ordered for me this morning, and then they most probably both need some greasy breakfast to suck up the alcohol?’

‘Of course,’ he says sweetly, and my heart soars for a few seconds. While I’m very grateful to him, I’m also happy that Ella has a man who will treat her well and her friends well, as well.

‘Okay,’ Ella says happily. ‘All done. Colton says that it should be there within forty-five minutes. Does that work?’

‘Yeah, that’s fine.’ I yawn. ‘Tell him thanks.’

‘Don’t you have to leave for work though?’ Isabel asks.

‘I’m not going to work today,’ I say.

‘You have to go to work,’ Ella says. ‘You have your meeting today with Ethan and…’

‘I no longer have a meeting today with Ethan, guys,’ I say, waiting for them to ask me why. ‘Is no one going to ask me why?’

‘We figure you’re going to tell us.’ Isabel grunts.

‘Fine. You know that stupid personal ad you guys made me write last night?’

‘It wasn’t stupid. It was so funny.’ Isabel laughs and then groans. ‘Ow, that hurt. I can’t laugh. Don’t make me laugh.’

‘Don’t worry. I’m not trying to make anyone laugh because I’m sure not laughing right now,’ I say. ‘I am dead meat, guys. Seriously, dead meat.’

‘Oh, boy. What has happened?’ Ella asks.

‘Well, the personal ad that we wrote, mid-thirties, slightly hot mess female seeking billionaire.’

‘I thought that was such a cute title. We are amazing, and no wonder you’re in copywriting because your ad was hilarious. Oh, my gosh. I want a billionaire who can put me up in a penthouse, as well.’ Isabel is obviously not picking up that I am upset.

‘Guys, we posted it on my company intranet by mistake.’

There’s silence on the line. You could hear a pin drop as everyone processes what I have just said.

‘Fuck,’ Isabel moans.

‘Exactly. That’s all I’ve been thinking since I’ve read Ethan’s email. Ethan saw it and he emailed me at two-something this morning. I don’t even want to look at the email again because I’m hella embarrassed. He told me that the meeting today is called off and he wants to see me in his office on Monday morning. Oh my God. I’m going to get fired. I’m totally going to get fired.’

‘Play it off,’ Ella says thoughtfully. ‘I mean, why would he cancel your meeting today?’

‘I bet you it’s because she said she didn’t want to go in on Monday morning,’ Isabel adds. ‘He’s most probably alluding to that.’

‘That’s what I think, because he wants to fire me.’

‘Well, maybe play it off like a joke,’ Ella suggests.

‘What do you mean, play it off as a joke?’

‘I got an idea,’ Isabel says thoughtfully. ‘Why don’t you say something like, oh, ha-ha should I bring some dollars, as well? Pretend like the whole thing was just one big joke and not a drunk post by mistake.’

‘You really think that will work?’ I ask, wanting to believe it will work.

‘Perhaps. I mean, what do you have to lose?’

‘I guess.’ I grab my phone from my ear, and I press reply to Ethan’s email. ‘So, what exactly should I say?’

‘Just be like ha-ha, I’ll be there on Monday as long as you have enough singles,’ Isabel suggests.

And even though I know it doesn’t sound like a great idea, I type it because he does know I have a kooky sense of humor. And he does know that I’m slightly weird, so maybe if I act kooky and not like I am worried about his email, he will think this was just a really bad joke.

‘Yeah, he might be like, ‘oh, don’t quit the day job. You’re no Dave Chappelle’ or something,’ I say as I hit send. ‘Right?’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Ella says quickly. ‘You know what, girl? Don’t do it.’

‘What do you mean, don’t do it? I already did it.’

There’s more silence.

‘Oh, I don’t know if that was the best idea you’ve ever had, Isabel.’ Ella sounds nervous. ‘I’m just saying, he might not find it a joke, and if he doesn’t think it’s a joke, he might think you’re propositioning him.’

‘Oh my God, I’m going to die. That’s it, guys. I will speak to you when I’m a spirit in heaven because, right now, my body is about to leave this earthly plane. I’ve got to go.’ I can feel my body tense, and I want to cry. I hang up and stare at the ceiling. This is possibly the worst day of my life.

My phone pings. I’m going to ignore it, but I know I can’t.

It’s a reply from Ethan. My heart races.

I’m not going to read it.

I’m too scared to even look at it.

I click it open. I need to know what he has to say.