Mid-Thirties Slightly Hot Mess Female Seeking Billionaire: Chapter 20

Ethan

Ever since I was little I knew my mom and dad didn’t have a healthy relationship. They were either super lovey dovey or angry. And most times, when they were angry, my father would buy my mother something and she would be happy again. Until the time came that he couldn’t buy her what she wanted anymore. And the anger grew and grew. And the tears were plentiful. I can keenly remember the dead feeling inside my stomach whenever I saw my mother crying. I can still feel the sadness in my soul as I sat there helplessly not knowing what to do.

As I grew older, I often wondered why my parents never divorced. It seemed to me that they would both be happier alone. However, I think the fact of the matter was that they were both codependent and couldn’t live without each other. I never want to be in a position where I feel like I can’t live my life to its fullest without someone else.

I stare at my empty couch for a few moments and then jump up and pace back and forth in my living room. I don’t know why my normally homey apartment feels so desolate. Sarah has only been gone for a couple of hours and yet, it feels like I haven’t seen her in days. I can’t quite seem to focus on anything. I need to get my mind off of how much she makes me laugh. For some reason being around her makes me remember the past. Maybe because she’s awoken a part of me that’s not just focused on work.

It had been fun having her here. She challenged me to think about more than work. And while a lot of those thoughts were about her body and what I’d like to do to her, a lot of them were about other things as well. She made me think big thoughts. Like what life would be like if I was in a serious relationship or if I had kids. I wonder for too many minutes what it would feel like to be committed to someone.

Would I feel like I was losing myself? Would I feel like I couldn’t survive without the other person? Was I that weak? I knew my father couldn’t live without my mom; even though he cheated on her all the time. She was his everything. The other women were just there to make him feel better about his sorry life. And mom pretended not to notice, though I knew it still ate her up inside. I didn’t want that emotional attachtment to another person. I didn’t want any woman making me feel like I couldn’t live without her; even when she treated me like shit. I don’t want to lose myself.

I grab my phone and call Jackson. I need to get out of my head. More importantly, I need to stop thinking about Sarah.

“What’s up, Mr. Loverman?” He answers the phone with a chuckle and I want to hang up, but I don’t.

“What are you up to?”

“Not eating Chinese food with my lover.”

“Wanna grab a drink?” I ignore his comment. I will not let him rile me up. I will not engage in this conversation.

“Now?” He asks and pauses as if this is a shocking question. As if I never drink. As if he doesn’t ask me to grab a drink almost every night of the week. “This is a work night, Ethan or did you forget that?”

“Don’t be a dick, Jackson.”

“Oof, someone sounds pissed. I take it that nerdy Sarah has gone and now you’re wondering where you went wrong.”

“Really?”

“I’m guessing the sex wasn’t good? Did you not make her orgasm?”

“I made her orgasm plenty,” I growl, annoyed by his words. “She’s still screaming my name in her head.” I tense slightly as I think of the sound of her sweet voice moaning my name. “She’ll most probably be dreaming about me and my good loving tonight.” I cringe inside. When had I turned into such a douchebag? I’m grateful Sarah can’t hear me talking.

“Yet, she was able to make her way away from you and be by herself for the evening.”

“I don’t think she could handle any more of me today.”

“Cos you’re that good.” He chortles, and I squeeze the phone tightly as he starts humming the tune to Baby Got Back.

“I can give you lessons if you want.” I pause. “Show you on a diagram how it’s done.”

“No thanks.” He chuckles. “I don’t think I need any lessons; they don’t call me Jackson, the Sex God of Manhattan, for nothing.”

“In your dreams, buddy. No one calls you that, aside from the blowup dolls in your spare bedroom.”

“You mean your exes?”

“Funny, not. Do you want to grab a drink or not, Jackson?”

“I can meet you at Used Dishes in 20 minutes.” He chuckles, and I hear a beeping in my ear. “I text you the address. It’s a new speakeasy. You enter through the kitchen of a Turkish restaurant. Super cool.”

“How do you know about all these new bars?”

“Because I have my fingertip on the pulse of the city.”

“A model told you?”

“Maybe.” He laughs. “Maybe she mentioned something about the place when she offered to have a threesome with me.”

“A threesome?”

“I declined.” He sounds bored. “How many threesomes can a man have in his life?”

“How many have you had?”

“Enough.” He pauses. “So, are we going to talk about what motivated you to call me for a drink tonight, or are we sweeping it under the rug?”

“Sweeping what under the rug?”

“The fact that you’re sleeping with an employee?” His voice is lighthearted, but I know he’s serious. “Is this an ongoing thing or…”

“It happened once, and it won’t happen again. Sarah and I both know that it was a one-off. Neither one of us is looking for anything more.” I know I’m being abrupt, but I’m starting to feel pissed off by his questioning. “Please stop bringing this up, Jackson. It’s a non-starter of a conversation.”

“If you say so. So Sarah knows it was a one-and-done, and y’all are not starting a relationship?”

“A relationship?” I laugh out loud. “After one day of lovemaking? She’s not stupid.” I’m not 100% sure she realizes this was a one-off, and I’m not sure that I even want that, but I’m not going to let him know that. I mean, it’s not like I want anything else from her. That would be a stupid thought. Just because she intrigues me and makes me laugh doesn’t mean anything. Even though she’s different from most women, she’s not going to make me change my philosophy on love. No way and no how.

“All relationships aren’t like your parents, Ethan,” Jackson says softly, and I cringe at his words. “Some of them are healthy.”

“Like your parents?” I ask him and there is silence on the phone. I’m not sure what game Jackson is playing, but I know he’s not one to believe in love, either. He knows, as I do, that relationships only make you lose a part of yourself. And often lead to failure or depression. I didn’t want to be a statistic. I didn’t want to be like my mom, unable to let go of something that made me feel like shit.

“My parents aren’t the healthy example I’m talking of no.” He says dryly. “But that doesn’t mean that all relationships have to be like our parents. We’re not the poster children of children born to emotionally healthy human beings. Maybe we don’t know how to handle relationships.” He sounds thoughtful. “Maybe there’s a way to—.”

“Jackson, I don’t know what you’re about to say and frankly, I don’t have the mental brainpower to process it. Tonight I just wanna get drunk.”

“What happens when you see Sarah tomorrow?” He asks softly. “You’ll just be able to pretend nothing happened?”

“She won’t be there tomorrow,” I say quickly, not wanting to think about Sarah any longer. “I’ve given her the next couple of days off to work on the jingle for Lord Chambers.” I lie and open my text messages to tell her about this new plan. “She’s concentrating on work, and so am I,” I growl as I press send on the message telling her to take the rest of the week off. “Now, let’s go get drunk and see what other honeys we can flirt with tonight so I can show you just how not interested I am in my nerdy employee.”