Chapter Twenty-Four

I'm better than this, so I didn't answer Jon Wallace. I tried going on blind dates, but nothing just seems to work out. Maybe because of the new person who had entered my life, I've come to raise the standards.

Days passed by, the more I grew fixated on her. I didn't know when it started, but somewhere along the line, when she stayed behind every day in my classroom, that day we skipped class like a bunch of careless teenagers, the deep talks by the window at night, that time I visited their house and listened to her never-ending story about her family and her. We're too different from each other, maybe that was the reason I was so fascinated by this person.

It had been less than a month since we met. Twenty-four days I could not forget. Twenty-four days of break from the suffocating world I thought I would never escape.

Is it too early to say that I've found the two things I've been looking for, in one person?

The moon glowed brighter on this particular night. Stars scattered around the sky like a painter splattered white paint on a dark canvas. Ellie's head was resting on my shoulder. And I could sense her staring at my face a little longer than she should.

What is she seeing right now? I want to know what keeps her eyes from staying still because when I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a blank. And you don't usually look at an empty space for such a long time. There are so many more wonderful things out here to see, yet she's looking at a face I can't even see clearly.

"You're beautiful Karlene, do you know that?" she asked in a whisper. I don't think she has control over what she's saying.

"How drunk are you?" I chuckled. I couldn't pull my eyes to look at her. I was stiff as a rod, if not, I was frozen at that moment.

"No, I'm serious."

"Just drunk," I insisted.

"People are more honest when they're drunk."

She has no idea what she's making me feel. And I'm not going to refuse the truth, I also have alcohol in my system. That explains why I don't deny these thoughts. Thoughts that my sober self is too scared to confront.

__

This night is too good to miss. The moon and the stars were at the place they originally were. They did not change at all. And as I looked at it from the ground I was sitting on, I was taken back years ago, at my childhood, when I thought everything was permanent. The night sky remained the same, but here on the ground we constantly change.

I leaned close to her ears so I could whisper, "You don't know how nostalgic this is to me."

"What does this remind you?"

"My parents. My Dad and I used to stay up all night watching the night sky. Then we point at it. We'll guess who mom is at the sea of stars above our heads because you know that myth that when a person passes away they become a star?"

Ellie nodded.

"Yeah, we believed in it. They said my mother was a glowing ball of energy, she was noticeable. So at times when my dad and I were hopeless, we point at the brightest star visible in the sky. And somehow, we'll feel her looking back at us too. That reminded us to keep going, someone out there is watching and we can't afford to disappoint that person."

Our mouths were then silenced. We gazed upon the stars as I gazed upon them when I was a kid. Still, the same fascination, but with a different person beside me. No way was it awkward or uncomfortable, but it was rather neutral and maybe a little consoling. Consoling because for the first time I've told someone a part of me that has been kept hidden from people. A part of me I'd never thought I had the courage to open about.

___

Ellie lifted her head. She stood up and almost fell but I caught her by her arm on time. So clumsy, and she's only at her third bottle.

"Let's do something fun!" she exclaimed while she shakes my shoulder convincing me, and I looked at her with a poker face. "Come on... It's Sunday!"

"And what exactly are we going to do that's sooo fun Miss Holmes?" I booped her nose with a finger. She was too excited, and for what?

"Round two...?"

"No. We are not drinking."

"We are."

"We're not." I stood by my decision. I am the older one in here, I should be the mature one. And drinking was never a good idea. We have school tomorrow, how about that?

Then I felt warmth wrap around my wrists. Ellie's hands were soft, it was smooth, and it gave a sweet, soothing rush to my mind. It was touching my skin gently, holding my hands, and giving heat to my palms that were starting to get cold because of the time we've spent outside.

"Please...? I'll behave I promise."

I want to tell her that it's not her that I'm worried about. I trust this neighbor of mine. What I don't trust is myself. If I could even stay at my limits for a moment longer when faced with this very enticing person.

_____

How did we even end up sitting on my living room carpet? There were bottles of alcohol on top of the coffee table, some rolled off and it spilled on the floor. I let my eyes stole a glance at the person who sat beside me. She said nothing else when I brought out the drinks, staying true to her words, but taking it too seriously. I was curious what she was thinking about that rendered her so quiet.

We talked about things on random, just about anything our mouths could utter, as the time goes deeper but ironically I feel so high. Like never before– no– this was like before, and it only made sense for me.

"I think my girlfriend is cheating on me... Even before we moved out of that town, I've been seeing her with him."

"What- why don't you confront her? You can't just go on like that-"

"What do you think about me?" She suddenly asked, interfering with what I was supposed to say. Then shifted her body to face me. "Give me an honest answer."

"That's uh- too direct. I don't think I could-"

"Well then try. What do you think of me?" She pushed further, I'm not getting where she's going at.

"I think you are a... an interesting person," I said and that was the only word my mind could utter out. When in reality, she's kind, one of a kind. If only I could tell her how much she had been a help to me ever since she came... I like seeing her close, I like her voice, her warmth, and her mouth, and every time she opens it, it's either something goofy or something serious that comes out of it. I like her eyes, especially when it's looking at me... God, what am I even thinking?

Ellie sighed. She let her head drop on the edge of the white leather sofa, but her sleepy eyes were looking at me. "Lately I've been feeling insecure about myself... And how I'm good at nothing. It's actually funny cause– you know how I hate my brother's spider, but we're kind of just the same. We just eat, drink and sleep, then probably die someday." A faint laugh escaped her lips. "I'm gay and dumb. Now that's just double homicide is it?"

.

.

"I'm nothing special. Maybe that's why Anne hasn't introduced me to her parents, and why she only introduce her smart friends to them. Or why she often hangs out with those cool rich dudes... because what else do I have to be proud of? I can't even name a fucking thing. Maybe I really deserve to be cheated on- "

"Shh..." I cupped her face. I couldn't think of anything else to shut her up. I held her face up, her brows furrowed, and her mind possibly full of negativities. "Okay... Listen to me, Ellie..."

"You may not be strong in here," I pointed at her head, then pointed at her heart. "But you're strong in here. Right?"

"You're strong in there," I kept nodding, making her nod with me too. "You've been through a lot. You used to be in the dark, but look where you are right now. You're not in the same place you used to be."

"...but I'm still haunted. No matter how much I convince myself and be proud of myself, it just doesn't feel right. As if I can never be enough." She looked down, her face frowned hopelessly. "What do you do when it comes and get you, Karlene? Do you just hide and pray it goes well by tomorrow too? Cause I've been doing it, now it's all piled up inside me... I-"

I pulled her in my arms before she could even shed a tear. "You're not what you think you are. Do you know that ever since you came here I've been laughing and smiling a lot more, do you know how much that means to me...?" I patted her head as she sobbed on my back. For how long is she keeping all of these in? "You are loved by so many people Ellie. Try opening your eyes, then maybe you'll see those who care." I pulled her away from the hug then tried lifting her head by pinching her chin up. "I'm here with you, you can talk to me anytime. And you know, my father used to say, it'll be less lonely when you have someone to get it off with."

Oops, that came out weird.

She sucked her lips in as if keeping something, and her eyes were a bit wet when she suddenly moved her gaze to the kitchen. Then she started to laugh out of nowhere, her nose was stuffed but she was still giggling. I tilted my head. What's so funny about that?

"I-I know you meant well, but I'm just- I'm kind of green-minded I'm sorry..." she kept laughing and slapping her head to make it go away. Now I don't see her eyes, it hides behind her lids when she smiles.

I pushed her leg jokingly once I realized what I said. "I meant to say 'through' not off!"

"Really?" She squinted her eyes once she got a hold of her laughs. "Or are you just more honest cause you're drunk?"

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I meant!"

"I'm sorry, this should be dramatic, what am I doing?" That was her last laugh at this moment. She started to regain herself again, showing me her warm smile, all that while I was forgetting to ponder about anything else. "But thank you though. That made me a thousand times better."

-

"Let's dance!"

Something has struck Ellie's mind again. She asked to dance, did I heard that right? I shook my head and questioned why it was happening. I watched her from the ground as she got up to walk over to my radio box. It was playing the news, but she switched some buttons and turned it to the 70's song hits station.

I let my eyes roam on her once she turned her back. Her long brown hair all swept, sitting on her right shoulder, exposing a part of her neck and collar bone. She was wearing a pair of my clothes, I don't know how though... I'm so intoxicated, I don't remember anything but the present moment and a bit of... boobs...? What...?? And my hands going down and feeling her smooth skin, then I-I... saw her quiver by my touch. Did I fucked up?

I was pulled away from that scene, I couldn't even distinguish if it was real or just my imaginations going wild. I saw her walked back towards me, and stuck a hand out waiting for me to take it.

She bent her body to lower it down asking me again, "Dance?"

"I don't know how to." I don't know anything in general as of the moment. Forgot how to breathe when she comes near, forgot to look elsewhere, forgot to act straight...

"I'll teach you," she giggled, losing her eyes to her eyelids once again. "I'll teach the teacher... I'm so cool..."

The radio played 'Can't take my eyes off of you' by Frankie Valli and The Four.

"Now, I'm not the best at dancing, so we're just gonna sway around and pretend that we do." She pulled my arm up making me stand on my feet. I had to hold on to her shoulder or else I'll fall. My head isn't at its best place right now... I might puke.

I was faced to face with her kind face. "See, Isn't this peaceful? Just close your eyes and pretend you're dancing with someone you like." Her voice sounding so soft like music in my ears.

"I can't think of anyone else but you right now," I whispered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." I looked away from her. I might've blushed when those words slipped out of my mouth.

She laughed then said much fainter, "me too."

Tomorrow, it's back to normal. I have to distance myself. Today we fall- no, I fall, but soon I'll wake up from this, and realize that this can never be real.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Ask away."

"Were you mad that someone ate your cake? Is that why you ended up drinking at the sidewalk?"

A smile made its way to her pink plump lips while she shook her head. I need to hold myself together. This magnetic feeling all over again where my eyes pull themselves to where it wants to see, was relentless and so bold. It was almost as if, I didn't want to care anymore. I leaned on her closer. Our foreheads touched and as soon as it did I retreated. I don't want to scare her away, but it looks like she didn't mind. So she leaned back her head again.

"What is it that you want to ask?" She questioned.

I gulped, "how did you found out that you like women?"

I wanted to know if I'm not confusing this. What is behind me? Is it genuine? Is this friendly disguised as fondness? An explanation would calm this uncertain heart of mine.

"Same way you found out that you like men."

"It still doesn't make sense..."

She pulled her head away. I'm not sure what she was thinking at the moment, but along her mischievous grin, I could suspect something.

Her hand on my shoulders earlier, snaked its way to my hand. She brought it up and interlaced her fingers with mine and she held it delicately. I felt my cheeks burned in embarrassment, scared she might notice, I looked down then tossed a part of my hair to cover half of my face.

"Does this make you, Ummm... Feel anything...?" She lowered her head down to look at me straight in the eyes.

"N-no! Girls holding hands, that's normal..." I convinced myself.

"See? You're pretty much straight. That, or... I'm just not charming enough." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Or am I?"

I chuckled. She's too cheeky, and not to mention cheesy. What can I do? I'm too soft when it comes to her. If only I could- only if I could what, Karlene...?

I have to remember...

We're just drunk. And people often make mistakes when they are.