Chapter 22 - Coming Out...Again

When I woke up, I had a headache and my eyes felt puffy, but I was surprised when I felt the pleasant flow of sparks along my skin. Facing me was a sleeping Aubrey, his mouth parted slightly as he breathed. I could feel Evander's chest pressed up against me, along with his arm draped over my waist. I resisted the urge to wiggle around in fear of waking them up. If I did, I wasn't sure I could face them just yet.

I'd royally screwed up. The fact that they embraced me even after how shitty I'd been made me want to die of mortification and regret. What did I ever do to deserve them? When I felt Evander shift around from behind me, I quickly closed my eyes and evened out my breathing. Stupid. He's a vampire!

I heard him sigh, then I felt his hand brush away the hair in my face. "I know you're awake, Aaron. Your heart is beating faster."

I gulped, refusing to turn and meet Evander's gaze that burned holes into the back of my head. He sighed. "Aaron, can we please talk?" He asked with the hint of a beg.

"Why don't you just yell at me some more. Maybe it'll finally get through my thick skull," I grumbled.

"I never meant to yell. My emotions got the better of me. I was worried, stressed, and hungry."

I turned around to frown at him. "Are you not those things anymore?"

"I'm still stressed, not as worried now that you're both safe, and my hunger has been sated."

"By what?"

"By me," Aubrey whispered.

I gaped at Evander. "You drank from him?"

"Yes. He practically begged me to," Evander explained. He tilted his head a bit. "Does that upset you?"

"No," I said in surprise. Did I sound upset? "I was just surprised."

"Aaron..." Aubrey whispered and gripped my shirt.

"You want to talk, too?" I asked.

"Yes, we need to. We keep having these talks when something pops up, but something always pops up. Why can't we let everything out now?" He explained.

My stomach turned. Was I ready to talk about it? Any of it? What could I say? They deserved an explanation though, right? They did... "I- I don't know if I can explain everything to you just yet," I admitted.

"Why not? If you would at least tell us what you need, we can try our best to provide it, Aaron. You don't have to explain everything, just give us something to work with."

I bit my lip. "I don't know what to talk about."

"Alright, let's start with this: Aubrey and I kissed last night," Evander said.

I looked at him with a frown. "Okay?"

"Does that make you feel anything?"

"Uh...happy for you?" I offered.

What else was I supposed to say? They were mates, too. Kissing was expected. Hell, we all should've kissed days, even weeks ago. Most mates did. Even if I hadn't kissed them yet didn't mean they couldn't. I was glad they were showing affection to each other.

"Alright. And have you ever felt the need to kiss either of us?"

"I don't- I-," I stumbled over my words. "Maybe? Yes? No? I don't know..."

Evander frowned. "So, is that a no? You've never wanted to kiss either one of us?"

"Yes and no," I tried to explain. "Um, like, I sometimes want to, but I also don't. When we were in Osaka and you tried to kiss me, I panicked because I felt like it was too soon? I think. I don't even know for sure myself."

"Okay, so, is kissing something we need to wait longer on?" He asked.

"Yes, please. I don't know when I will be able to...do that."

"Well, I can promise that you can lead. If you feel the need to go for it, then do it. I can't speak for Aubrey, but I wouldn't mind if you decided to kiss me."

"I wouldn't mind either," Aubrey added from behind me.

He moved closer to spoon me and my ears burned. "Okay."

"Alright. And what about this? Physical affection? Is it alright with you? You haven't shied away before, but I'd rather clear the air now," Evander continued.

"I like stuff like this, but..."

"But?" He prompted.

"Sometimes, I feel really awkward when someone's nude," I mumbled.

Goddess, they were trying to be so understanding. It was hard keeping the tears at bay. I was already raw from last night. I was surprised at how much I was saying, too, but the more Evander asked the more I wanted to tell them everything. They would hear it at some point anyway, right?

"So, when we offered to shower together?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "I just...it feels weird. I don't want to..."

"Be exposed like that?" Aubrey offered up.

"No? I guess that's a little bit of it, but it's more like I don't want..." I tried my best to think of the words to express how I felt about it. "I don't want you guys to see my body in an odd way."

"Odd way?" Evander echoed.

Just say it, Aaron. Say it. "In a sexual way," I mumbled. "I don't want you to see my body in that way and I don't want to think about that kind of situation. And I know it's dumb, but I keep worrying about it."

"Your feelings are not dumb, Aaron. Don't discredit yourself like that," Evander chided gently. "We can move as slow as you would like. This is your relationship just as much as it is ours."

But, it's not about moving slow. "Thank you..."

"You have something else to say," he stated.

"No, I-"

"You don't have to say it if you don't want to," Aubrey said. "You've already said a lot."

"Would you be mad if..." if what? I never had sex with them? I never shared my body with them like that? "If...I never wanted to have sex?"

They went silent. "What do you mean?" Evander asked gently.

I felt my cheeks burn. Oh Goddess, did I have to explain to them what was wrong with me now? "Well, uh, you see, I'm-"

Damnit. The words became lodged in my throat. I couldn't get anything out. Why? I'd already admitted it out loud to Erin. Even after all this time coming to terms with who I was, it still felt weird. Why couldn't I just say it? Just two words. Two simple words.

I didn't realize I was silent for too long until I felt a hand brush through my hair comfortingly as another rubbed my back. Frustrated tears built up behind my eyes as I tried to breathe properly for a moment. "I'm-"

"Whatever it is you have to say, just let it out. We won't be mad," Aubrey whispered encouragingly. "You're our mate, Aaron. Forever and always."

Just say it. Once it's out there it will be easier to explain.

"I'm asexual."

The words tumbled out of my mouth in an awkward fumble, and I worried for a moment they didn't even hear what I said, when Evander said, "I've heard that word before, but if you could please explain it to us so we can understand you better, that would be wonderful. We'll accept whatever you say."

That...wasn't so bad. I was surprised at how light I suddenly felt. The big secret was out. But, now I had to explain. Would they think I was weird? Would they be upset I'd never want to have sex with them? Would they feel like our bond was weak? Telling Erin about this was so much easier because he didn't expect sex or anything of that sort from me. We were just friends. But, these were my mates. The people I was supposed to want to have sex with to complete our bond.

With a sigh, I began to try and explain. "Well, I always knew I wasn't straight. I used to have a huge crush on Erin. For years, actually. I came to terms with the idea of me being pansexual for a while, but when I became older, I realized that something was...off."

"Off how?" Aubrey asked.

I was glad they didn't even bat an eye at me confessing my past feelings for Erin. Well, since Erin had Rin now and I had them, I doubt it would ever be an issue. The past was the past. "People around me were starting to mate and have sex. Even before they mated, they'd talk about who was sexy and what was hot and stuff. It confused me. I felt like I was left out of this joke everyone else knew about. I hated it.

"I researched it once I felt like something was wrong with me. Why didn't I get it? Why was I feeling so left out? I came across asexuality and it clicked, but it also made me afraid. I don't feel sexual attraction. Never have. I didn't even realize most people felt it almost all the time."

"So, what does that mean for us exactly?" Evander asked gently.

I bit my lip in worry. "Well, I did more digging. Just because I was asexual, did it mean I'd never have sex? In fact, a lot of asexuals do. But...I don't want to." My eyes squeezed shut to deal with the sudden wave of nausea that overtook me. "The thought of me having sex makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to have sex, I don't even want anyone thinking of having sex with me. It genuinely makes me ill."

"So what you meant by not having sex, you meant never, correct?" Evander asked.

"Yes. And I'm really sorry about it. I know mates are supposed to have sex and stuff, but I can't do it. Even now, after knowing you guys for a little while, I can't."

"That's okay, Aaron," Aubrey whispered. "We don't have to have sex to be happy. We can be happy by doing stuff like this."

"And I am happy," I mumbled. "I like spending time with you guys like this."

"We like it, too," Evander confirmed. "So, no sex. How do you feel about watching us if we have sex?

The question threw me off-guard. I looked up at him with wide eyes, but his expression was calm. "W-what?"

Evander's hand trailed down from my head - I didn't even realize he'd still been running it through my hair - to cup my cheek. "Well, from what I know about wolves, you can be a bit possessive and jealous of your mates. It's only natural. I wouldn't want you to feel left out if we were to have sex."

"I-" my cheeks reddened. Did I want to...watch them? The answer that popped into my head shocked me. "Yeah...I'd be okay with watching."

Oh, Goddess. My entire face was probably bright red. Aubrey shocked me by giggling from behind me. "I wouldn't mind you watching. I'd want both of you there for that kind of stuff anyway."

"Alright. Then we're in agreement. Whenever that happens, Aaron can watch until he feels the need to leave. We won't hold it against you if you do need to leave."

"Thank you," I mumbled, shocked by what just happened.

Did I really just agree to watch my mates have sex? Like, a free porn show? Geez, that sounded so dirty. But, I honestly didn't like the idea of them having sex without me around. Even if I didn't want to be directly involved in the act, it didn't mean that I wasn't okay with watching. It felt like I was able to enjoy the connection without any of the parts that made me feel sick. And when I was ready, I'd be able to kiss them and see them naked and be okay with it.

I did it. I really did it. And they weren't mad, they were accepting of me. They even compromised for me! "Thank you," I said again, but I really meant it.

They hugged me tightly and I realized that I'd never felt more accepted and warm than in the embrace of both my mates.

~~~

So, this chapter was a bit heavy. I cried a little writing it, ngl. This conversation was the first thing I wrote about when I got the idea for Twizzlers. It's different from the original concept, but the meaning is still there. Now that they've finally communicated properly and know each other's boundaries, things can move forward now.

Communication is so important in relationships and I knew Aaron would have issues with it from the get-go. Hopefully, his mates can help him out.

I said this earlier in the book but Aaron shares some of the feelings I do. Not everything aligns with my experience because mine isn't the only one out there, but drawing from it really helped me let it out XDD

Stay tuned for more insanity and thank you so much for reading!

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