Snapshot: Chapter 8

Present Day

Las Vegas

My ass is aching from the hard ground, but I don’t care. I’m in a good mood today. The lukewarm breeze is so pleasant. It’s a perfect park day. Alan and I packed a picnic of all things. The weather is unseasonably warm for December, so we thought we’d take advantage of his day off.

I’m munching on baby carrots as Alan tries to prep me for my interview as the day shift concierge at Camden Hotel on Bateman Street. I caved and took the interview he set up. Mostly by accident. After our awkward encounter where he caught me with a vibrator in my hand, I just wanted to do something to stay on his good side. When I brought it up, he was so excited to help me get back on my feet. But it was a stupid move. I don’t know what I was worried about. Alan only has good sides. He wasn’t angry with me. And now, I’m about to interview for yet another job I’ll despise.

“So, I wouldn’t bring up the fact that you got fired from Advantage Insurance. If they ask, you do have to say you were terminated, but make sure you mention it wasn’t for anything violent or issues with other team members. Camden is big on camaraderie. At least for the management track, so just something to keep in mind.”

I’m only half paying attention to Alan as I tuck the extra fabric of my short sundress between my thighs and clamp my legs together. Then, I lie back on the polka-dot picnic blanket. The breeze catches something delicious-smelling—funnel cake, churros, something fried and sweet. If I had more motivation at the moment, I’d go hunt down a snack.

I grab my phone and turn it face down on my belly, but as soon as I do, it buzzes, tickling me.

Dex

Professional panda cuddler. But you’d have to move to China.

I chuckle out loud.

Me

Sold.

Dex

What? Not yet. I have so many more suggestions.

Dex has been sending me all sorts of odd jobs since I told him I got fired. He toggles between being serious and helpful—like offering to take a look at my résumé—and then just trying to make me laugh. Today he’s being particularly playful, which matches my good mood. That’s how Dex and I are. Always in sync.

I’m a little surprised Dex hasn’t just offered me a job. Discover Dives isn’t lucrative enough to really make a living, but Dex mentioned that his family’s company is pretty big. Surely I qualify for something entry-level there. Perhaps he thinks I wouldn’t be interested in moving to Miami. That’d be correct. I want to stay close to my friends and family. Especially my dad. He needs me.

Not to mention, I still don’t know what Dex really does. We’ve always joked around and called it his “big boy job.” He’s rather secretive about it; just says it’s something with numbers. I once teasingly accused him of running the mafia and printing money. I mean…he didn’t outright deny it. Overall, Dex doesn’t talk much about home. Whenever someone brings up Miami, he gets this strange, clouded look in his eyes like he’s trying to detach. We don’t have to talk about it. I don’t like to upset him. And it’s not like there’s ever a lull between us. Dex could fill hours of conversation talking about scuba diving, beer, good food, and music.

Me

I’ll bite. What other jobs?

Dex

Professional sleeper. There’s a hotel in Finland that hires people to sleep in their beds and rate their rest quality. That’s a full-time job with benefits.

Me

Well, now I’m torn between that and panda cuddling.

Dex

Dog food taster.

Me

Hard pass.

Dex

Well, not so fast. Did I mention it’s all organic and grass-fed? And apparently, the company does an annual trade show in Cabo. All-expense paid.

I’m sure they’ll provide you with people snacks for the plane.

Me

I appreciate your cruel humor in my time of desperation.

Dex

Excuse me. I’m trying to help my friend and am taking this very seriously.

Me

Uh huh. And where are you finding all this random shit?

Dex

Definitely not Reddit.

I laugh out loud again, and when I peek up from my phone, I’m met by Alan’s narrowed eyes.

“Did you hear me?” he asks.

Oh crap. “Sorry. Dex was sending me funny job listings. He’s been trying to cheer me up after getting fired and all.”

Alan’s lips twitch into a clipped smile. “I thought I had that covered.”

I sit up and reach out to him, but we’re too far apart. My hands fall aimlessly to my sides. “Of course you do. Dex is just a buddy, you know that.” I wave my phone in the air at him. “I have nothing to hide. He only knows I got fired because, after I lost my job, I called to cancel the dive trip next year. That’s all.” The wind gusts through, and I sniff dramatically in the air just to change the subject. “Hey, do you smell that? Is that churros or funnel cakes? Should we go get some dessert?”

Alan’s face is blank. He stares at me for an uncomfortably long time, then finally says, “You said his name.” His words seem to come out in slow motion.

“What?” I ask, lowering my phone.

“The night I walked in on you on the bed. When you…you know…you said Dex’s name.”

A wave of nausea washes over me, and I have to swallow down the bile. It was over a week ago that Alan caught me with my vibrator. We haven’t talked about it. It was quite clear he wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, so we did just that. Now he’s bringing it up?

“No, I didn’t,” I say.

“Yes, you did. Clear as day. I wasn’t going to bring it up. But⁠—”

“I didn’t, Alan. I was there.”

“Lennox,” he bites out. I flinch at his tone, a little sharper than I’m used to. “It’s not the kind of thing a boyfriend forgets. You said his name. I’m sure of it.”

Did I? Who the hell remembers what they say when they orgasm? I guess… Is it possible? I mean, I distinctly remember thinking about him. Oh, hell.

“Alan, I…”

“I’m not mad.” He holds up his hands, waving me off. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

There’s a loud ticking sound in my head. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Just counting down the seconds until I say something I’ll regret. “You should be mad.” It comes out as a plea. “If your girlfriend is calling out another man’s name when she’s masturbating, especially right after you had sex, you should be pissed, Alan.”

His eyes bulge to owl proportions as he rotates his neck side to side, checking to see if anyone heard me. The way he moves his head only emphasizes his likeness to the bird. I’d giggle if the tension wasn’t so thick, but I can read a room. It’s most definitely not the time to laugh. Instead, I survey the park with him and see our company is sparse. The nearest group of people is at least thirty yards away.

“You want to fight about this?” Alan eventually asks, his eyes touched with sadness.

“No,” I respond softly. “I just want…” The end of my sentence disappears in the thickening air. Maybe I didn’t have the words to begin with. What do I want? If I could build a boyfriend in a lab and fill him with all the magic ingredients…it’d be Alan. He checks every box except one.

I didn’t realize what a huge fucking box it is. I’m not a shallow girl. I don’t think lust is all about good looks and muscles, and I don’t think mind-blowing sex has to be kinky. But I do believe chemistry is something that can’t be forged. It’s gifted. My old friend and mentor, Jacob, once told me that love is how the universe still has a hand in our fate. And something in me suspects that for the past year, I’ve been fighting fate.

Alan scoots in closer, wrinkling our picnic blanket. Rubbing his thumbs under my eyes, where tears should be. “Just tell me how you feel.”

“What’s off with us?” I whisper.

He looks away; suddenly, the green-brown grass is captivating to him. “I guess what’s off is the fact that you think something’s off. This is all news to me.”

“You don’t feel it?”

He forces himself to face me. Holding my gaze, he slowly shakes his head. “Not until about ten seconds ago. How long have you been unhappy?”

“I’m not unhappy.” I grab his face in both of my hands, his barely-there stubble scraping against my palms. “Not at all.”

He glances at my phone. “Then why don’t you smile like that when you’re texting me?”

“Like what?” I ask, my tone defensive. “And how would you know? You can’t see my face when we’re texting.”

“It’s just a metaphor. What I’m trying to say is there have been little clues I’ve been ignoring. I see how things are going to end with us. And I think…” He exhales deeply.

I shake my head fervently. “Alan, please don’t. We were having a perfectly nice picnic. I’ll put my phone away. You have my full attention.”

“I’d rather we face things now than drag this out.”

I ignore the throbbing in my head that’s matching the pounding in my heart. A perfect synchronization of rapid pulsing. It’s my instincts telling me something bad is about to happen. Pretending like I’m composed, I ask, “Drag what out?”

“Us. You want to break up, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You are the best man I’ve ever been with. I’m in this. I promise.”

“Then why don’t I believe you?” he asks. He watches my face like he’s waiting for a tear. Some indication of my feelings for him.

“Please stop. You’re scaring me,” I say. “I’m happy with you, Alan. I swear.”

“Lennox,” Alan says again. His voice is oddly steady, and his face stoic. It’s as if he’s already accepted what I haven’t. “Tell me the honest truth. I know you love me, but what about a year from now? Five? Ten? How long can you hold out? Am I the guy you want?”—he unsubtly glances at my phone again—“or the guy you’re settling for?”

My bottom lip begins to tremble. I didn’t expect him to peel back all the layers of my heart and read my secrets out loud. “That’s not fair. He’s your friend too. There’s nothing going on between Dex and me.”

“I didn’t accuse you of anything. And that’s not the question I asked.”

I place the back of my hand against my cheeks, feeling the heat that’s risen to my face. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. And I want to want this, really badly.”

Hooking his finger over his top lip, he nods. Disappointment clouds his face as my words must knock around his head. I want to want this…

But I don’t.

I was willing to pretend until the end of time to avoid the look on his face at this moment.

There’s serenity in the silence before we have to address the inevitable. So, for a while, we just sit quietly, feeling the warm wind brush past us in short gusts. I’m not enjoying it as much as I was before.

Eventually, Alan scoots a little closer and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me close. His hand is steady, and his breath is even. If he’s nervous, he’s hiding it well. “It’s okay,” he says. “I’m going to be okay.” He tenderly kisses my forehead, and ironically, it’s the most intimacy we’ve ever had. I should’ve known it would precede our end.

I give him a weak smile. “I’m not. How could you ever forgive me for this?”

“For what? Your honest feelings?” he asks. His smile is small, but he tries. “How about this? Do you want me to break your heart so you don’t have to break mine?”

And those are the words that shatter me. Because even when he stands to gain nothing, even when I’m hurting him, Alan is still taking care of me. Dependable, honest…safe. Fuck the universe and its stupid plans. Alan’s the perfect guy, and I hate my heart for being unsatisfied. This should be enough. More than enough. After a year, my feelings should’ve caught up. I tried my best to force them.

My dry eyes are starting to burn. I want to show Alan tears right now so he can see how much I care. But I’ve spent so long training myself not to. Crying is a reflex I’ve forgotten how to use.

My head suddenly weighs a thousand pounds, but somehow, I find the strength to nod.

“Lennox,” he murmurs in my ear. “I think our relationship has run its course. I want to break up.”

He pulls me into his chest, holding me tightly. My ear is resting against his heart, listening to the steady beats that are a far cry from the erratic skipping of my own. I nuzzle into him. I’m sure my makeup is staining his clean gray polo, but neither of us seems to care. For once, we’re locked in a precious moment of passion, even if this hug means the end.

It’s painful, but at least now I’m feeling something.