The Despair

DERIK

I had done everything right my entire life. I had done everything my parents asked. I had been the leader, the one that helped keep the packs together. Growing up, they used to tell me stories about how the packs were before I was born, when my grandparents had run things.

Dorian Achlis and his siren lover, Kassandra, had been separate packs back then. Our pack had thrived on the acceptance it offered to all kinds. It was before the great war when humans and wolves could exist together. The forest area had been vibrant with markets and stalls where humans and wolves could sell their crafts and their crops.

Then the vampires and bloodlust had happened. My parents, along with the other two packs, had decided to build the wall, the city, wrapping us up in unity, hoping to defeat what was coming. It had worked, and I couldn’t begrudge them that. They had started the virgin sacrifices to get the magic they needed for the border, and we had carried on that tradition, as we had every other tradition.

Until Lorelai.

She was my siren, just like Kassie had been my grandfather’s. She had changed everything. She introduced the idea of humans and wolves working together again and flipped the game to a place I didn’t understand.

And now my parents, along with all our history, were dead. I didn’t blame her. Lorelai had no choice or say in what happened. But she had kept me distracted, kept me from being the soldier, the leader I was born to be.

I should have been out there with that group of wolves.

Now they were dead.

And it was my fault.

I growled and slammed my handle of ale down on the bar. The tavern, usually rowdy with laughter, was filled with wolves trying to drown out the cries of our friends dying.

I doubted it was working any better for them than it was for me. When Lorelai had gotten that vision, the link had opened up wide, and we had all seen the carnage.

I was never going to get their screams or the looks on their faces out of my head. I couldn’t close my eyes; I couldn’t think; I could only drink.

It was usually Brax’s way of handling things, but I was trying new tactics since mine clearly weren’t working. There was no pack work deep enough to get my head out of the hole it was in.

I sculled the last of my ale, then nodded to Juniper for another. She eyed me, then poured another. I took another gulp.

The chair scraped out beside me, and I shook my head. It wasn’t my luna. “Not tonight, Beta,” I hissed at Ryleigh, who nodded to Juniper. She got Ryleigh an ale, and she sipped it.

Ryleigh didn’t talk; she just sat there until I growled and spun to her. “What?” I snapped.

“Nothing.” She shrugged. “What are you doing here?”

“You tell me. You’re the one who summoned me here,” she said, sipping her drink and looking over her shoulder at the patrons.

She was wrong; I hadn’t summoned anything. “No, I didn’t. Go home. I want to be alone,” I wallowed.

She scoffed and drank her drink. “If that were true, home is exactly where I would be.”

I shook my head and ignored her, drinking my drink, turning my thoughts over in my head. The blame, the guilt, and the regret were eating up every ounce of light I had.

I ran a hand through my hair, roughing it up as I tried to get out of my head. I was still too sober. I couldn’t do another funeral. My parents were buried, and I hadn’t even been there. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

But it was a spiral I had no interest in getting out of. Lorelai had gone with Galen and Kai to get my parents and taken a team to get the wolves that had been killed. They got rid of the vamps and had come back a couple of hours ago.

They had burned them on the pyre, then spread their ashes by the blossom tree, as was tradition. I couldn’t go there.

I couldn’t say goodbye.

I should have been there.

“You were doing what you had to for the pack, Derik. You can’t be everywhere at once, and you had a duty to bury the witch our pack owed a life debt to. Nobody holds that against you,” Ryleigh said quietly, not in a patronizing way but as if she was talking about the weather.

“I hold it against myself,” I snapped, emptying my cup again. I needed stronger stuff.

“Then you’re an idiot. Your parents were proud of you. I’ve been a wolf for all of two seconds, and even I could sense that in the link. If you think you in any way failed them, then you’re the only one showing up to that pity party,” Ryleigh said, shaking her head before having another drink.

She used to be so docile and sweet; when had she turned into this woman with a mouth on her? Probably about the same time I turned into a wolf and gave her the temperament of one.

Guess that was my own fault too, then.

Fuck, I heard it myself then, the pity party. It was disgusting, and yet I still felt it all. My head told me it was me, I was the problem. That I had gotten them killed, I should have protected them. But I hadn’t.

Just like I hadn’t protected the pack from getting slaughtered, just like I hadn’t protected Lorelai from getting taken.

I was not a good alpha. I was just an orphan wolf with a title I couldn’t live up to.

“Derik.”

Lorelai’s voice struck deep within me. She was a siren, something pulled from my furthest dreams and darkest nightmares.

She walked over to Ryleigh. “I’ve got this, Rye. Go home to your daughter. I’ll handle our alpha.”

She nodded and got up. “Please do. With the way he’s feeling right now, I doubt I’ll be able to go far before I’m being screamed out through the beta bond to come back.”

Lorelai nodded as if she understood. She couldn’t, but my mate could empathize the shit out of any situation. Including me being bound to another she-wolf, apparently.

If history served, she should have fucked Ryleigh up. But not my mate. She was perfect. And I didn’t deserve her.

I emptied my cup and tapped for another. Lorelai shook her head at Juniper, who nodded once and went about serving more ale to the other customers. Not me, though.

“I’m not saying you can’t feel like shit, D. I’m not even asking you to stop dealing with this however you need to, but walk with me? You’re my mate, and being away from you while you feel like this is not going down well with the link.” She smiled softly at me.

Her smile was beautiful. It was what had made me fall for her. One smile was all it took, and she had enraptured me.

It lightened her whole face, her mouth wide and inviting every time she did. I wanted to be the reason for that smile, and I had endeavored to make it so since we had claimed her as ours.

But I had failed. Not just her, but everyone. All my life had been a series of trying and achieving as high as possible. Leading, decision-making, organizing. I had done it all, and I had been under the impression it was enough to keep the pack safe. But I couldn’t do that.

Nikolai could fight, rip through anything, and laugh doing it like the maniac he was. Brax had his shadows, and now that he had taken on half the responsibilities, he was coming into who he was always meant to be. An alpha.

So where did that leave me?

“With me, D. It leaves you all with me. As Alphas. Equally,” Lorelai kissed me, dragging my face to hers and covering my mouth with hers. Her soft lips teased mine until I was not thinking about anything but her.

I lifted my hand to the side of her face, pushing it back through the strands of her hair and cupping her head as I met her mouth. I kissed her with soft, tender kisses until my body roared with the demand for more.

“Walk with me?” she panted, pulling away slightly.

I nodded, turning out of my chair and leading her out of the tavern. I led her down the side of it, pushing her against the stone wall, melting our mouths together in the dark.

I felt every part of her clothes and detested them. I wanted her naked and on top of me. But since we were in a stone alley of the city, that was unlikely.

So instead, I yanked down her leather vest, revealing her tunic. I missed her dresses, but she hated them, so I let it go. I preferred her out of her clothes anyway.

I kissed her harder, my grip on her hair tightening. “Derik,” she panted, breaking away from my kiss and running her fingers down my torso.

It was still bare from my run earlier when anger had overwhelmed me, after my parents.

I shoved the thoughts so fast and hard from my head, kissing Lorelai again to expel them completely.

She moaned against the kiss, her hands running up and around my shoulders, her leg hanging on the edge of my hip. I gripped her thigh in my hand to hold it there and pushed my hard cock against her.

I was normally gentle with her, patient with her, steady with every moment so I could feel every part of her in an intense way, but I couldn’t today.

Today I needed my head to stay the fuck out of it; I needed to feel.

She must’ve known that because instead of trying to pull away again, she jumped up. I caught her on my waist and pressed her back against the wall.

I held her there, kissing her with rough strokes of my tongue against hers.

“Take what you need, Derik. Fuck me, bite me, bruise me. I want it,” she promised, and the love I felt for her with every piece of me swelled.

She was mine, and I was hers. Perfect mates. And yet, I felt unworthy of her.

Pressing her against the wall of the tavern? Stripping her down so I could feel her breasts in my greedy hands? It was a Kai move. Or even Brax. But it wasn’t what I did.

She wasn’t a common whore of a wolf who worked for Juniper. She wasn’t a wolf I wanted on display for others. I wanted to keep her as ours, a secret that everyone wanted in on.

I knew that was pointless. She could shift now. She had experienced the heat with us.

There was no way the pack hadn’t seen her naked. But I still wanted to preserve the idea that they hadn’t. Well, that was how I used to think.

But today, my entire world had shifted.

I was the last Achlis.

The only one who could carry on our bloodline. The only one who could carry on our legacy as the Forest Pack alphas.

It was a lot of pressure, and I was sick of the pressure.

I kissed Lorelai more, hoping my head would stop, but it kept racing until I finally swore and pulled away from her.

She lowered to the ground and stepped into me, kissing my pecs.

“You are not going to be the last Achlis alpha, D. We won’t let that happen.”

I held her against me, kissing the top of her head.

It made me feel better to have her close, sharing in the pain that ached and ricocheted through me.

Like I was being sliced open, raw and in pieces, bleeding out, watching the world pass me by.

I didn’t feel like I belonged anymore, with nothing to tether me to the packs. It was just me.

“No, D. We’re mated. You will never be alone again. Brax and Kai are here too. They won’t let you go either. And the pack? They’re loyal. They love you. As much as we do,” she said softly, leaning her head against my chest.

It was so tight inside, and tears brimmed in my eyes.

I had council meetings every other day of my life, and I didn’t know how to go into the next one and see empty seats instead of my parents’ stern faces.

They may have been harsh. They may have made mistakes and raised the pack differently than I would have. But they were my parents, and I loved them.

More than I ever told them, and maybe that was why it hurt so much.

I shook my head as a tear fell.

Lorelai leaned back and swiped it away with her gentle thumb.

“Take me home, Derik,” she whispered.

I pulled her into me, crushing her against me as I accepted the warmth she offered me in the embrace.

I didn’t want to wallow, I didn’t want to sulk, and the pain that was cutting me down made it hard not to.

But she made it easier.

She made everything easier to bear.

Pain, heartache, loss. It all paled in comparison to what she gave me in return: love, comfort, and hope.

Hope that we would win and defeat the ones coming for us. If we could do that, then maybe my parents could rest easy.

I had to make that happen.

I smiled and picked Lorelai up, lifting her from the back of the knees and scooping her up like a child. She was as light as a bloody child.

She leaned her head on my shoulder, holding me as she nuzzled in.

I kissed the top of her head and moved her toward the estate.

I didn’t take her up to the suite. I didn’t want to share her this time. I was sure Brax and Kai would respect that if I asked, but I didn’t want to feel like I was taking her from them. I just wanted to go slow.

I thought fast would help get rid of the thoughts, but slow? That was what I needed. Slow and strong, the familiar feeling of being wrapped in my mate and feeling safe from whatever might be outside of her hold.

I pulled her into the living space that had bookshelves and chess tables. The same one the humans had waited in and used. Not for any other reason than it was the closest room behind a lockable door.

I laid her down on the plump couch, the velvet texture hopefully soft enough against her skin so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for her.

Not that she cared; the rougher we were with her, the more excited she got.

It’s why Nikolai never held back, why Brax could use his shadows, and why I could take out all my stresses on her body. She took it all and gave it back.

I kissed her, her taste making my cock throb as I ran my hands down her small body.

She was such a tiny thing. Even for a wolf, she was confined to such a tiny frame that it astounded me that her wolf could fit inside her.

But she was an expert at proving she could do the impossible.

I caressed her jaw with my fingers, ran them down her body, tugging at her clothes so I could reach her full breasts that lay beneath the fabric.

I peeled her pants off her, kissing up her leg before pressing my lips against the mound of her pussy.

She smiled down at me, raking her hands through my hair.

“I want you inside me, Derik,” she said softly, her face framed in the darkness by the soft glow of the fireplace.

She was fucking beautiful. It was mesmerizing and constantly took me over. This time was no different, and my heart clenched at the same time my balls did.

She made it all better. Her heart, her love, her warmth, her body. But most of all, that smile she gave that promised everything would be okay.

I needed that promise more than anything today.

I moved up her body, kissing her, but she sat up, pushing me back on the couch, climbing over me instead.

She spread her legs wide over me, lowering herself slowly onto my dick with a moan that had my fingers digging into her thighs.

She sat on me, cock buried inside her, before I grabbed her face and pulled it to mine.

I kissed her harshly, moving my hips up, pushing into her.

She moaned into the kiss, then started moving. Up and down, up and down, as I met each fall of her onto me.

I was so far inside her tight pussy, the walls clenching me, dragging up and down me with moans and whimpers.

She fisted my hair, raked her nails down my chest, leaving her mark before she cried out and yanked her head back.

Her fangs extended, her eyes glowed purple, and then her fangs were in me.

I grunted as they pierced the skin, and her venom leaked into me.

It was mind-blowing. Her venom was the sweetest form of torture and claimed me everywhere. It pulsed with my blood, taking over the pleasure and directing it to the tip of my dick.

I pulsed faster inside her as she rode me hard, her teeth in me as she did.

Her body shuddered as she mewled against my flesh, her venom coming in constant throbs of pleasure and overwhelming need.

She kept her mouth on me, kept her venom inside me until we were both covered in sweat, our voices hoarse, our muscles sore, and we couldn’t hold onto the control anymore.

I bucked into her, gripping her hair in one hand, the other arm wrapped around her waist, yanking her down on me.

I came so damn hard.

I roared out, her venom exploded in a bright firework within me, her own orgasm adding to mine.

Her pussy clenched, she yanked her teeth out, crying out as she bounced through the storm.

It was an intoxicating thing, to pleasure a mate so effectively, the need to do it again and always filling me.

So was the pride at her sated emotions.

I kissed her swollen lips, her eyes drooping as she lay into me, her body still shaking.

I held her close, kissing over her, licking up her neck, my fingers tracing down her back in slow, luxurious lines.

She sighed, a contented happiness pulsing in the link between us.

I had pleased my mate. She had pleased me.

It wasn’t the best use of my time considering everything that was going on, but to me? Replacing that hollow, hopeless feeling with the ones she gave me? Worth every wasted minute.