First Bitten: Chapter 15

I don’t know what I feel most. Disappointment, I think.

I’m disappointed with myself. And that’s not because I thought for a brief, stupid moment that Cal might actually be a good guy, but because, even as much as I hate to think it, Cal is partly right in what he said last night.

I am putting them all in danger by being here.

Nathan keeps me here out of some misplaced sense of responsibility, apparently. And I’ve allowed him to do so because I’m afraid to be alone. I’ve got no one and nowhere else to go.

I should leave. I know I should. But the problem is I can’t seem to bring myself to. I spent all of last night trying to do just that. The furthest I got was the end of the drive. And yes, I know just how weak and selfish that makes me.

There are two reasons I can’t leave.

One, I’m afraid.

Honestly, I don’t think I’d survive out there alone. I’ve never truly been alone before. I’ve never had to fend for myself. After my parents died, Carrie, Tom and Angie took care of me. They did everything for me because I had no care to carry on. Then from their home I moved straight in with Eddie and he just took over where they left off. And now I’ve let Nathan, Jack and Sol do exactly the same.

It really would be easier if Nathan would just show me the door and push me out of it, because then I’d have no choice but to leave and finally try and fend for myself.

But if he did do that, it would crush me. You see, Nathan is reason number two as to why I can’t leave. If I’m being completely honest, he’s the only reason.

The thought of leaving and never seeing Nathan again is so painful that I can’t even express it into words. I think I’m way past the element of a crush now. My feelings for him have gotten so out of control that I can’t even distinguish just exactly what they are.

Am I in love with him? Quite possibly.

And even if I was the strong person I’d liked to be, the bottom line is I don’t want to leave him. Not now, not ever.

I wish I were a better person but obviously I’m not. And no matter how hard I might try to convince myself to leave, it’s clearly not going to happen anytime soon.

I roll onto my back and let my eyes drift over the clear sky above. There’s not a cloud to be seen today and the sun is beating down hot. You don’t see many days like this in my little part of the world, so you have to make the most of them while they’re here. The freshly cut grass is cool beneath my back but the sun’s hot rays are set to warm the rest of my body.

I love the smell of freshly cut grass. It reminds me of normality, something I miss with an almost physical ache. I run my fingers through it, disturbing it, redistributing the smell into the air. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. Then I hear Nathan’s approach.

My heart starts to beat just that little bit faster and nerves ripple over my skin. I fight to ignore the feeling.

“Hey,” he says. His voice sounds huskier than normal, I notice, and I can feel the cool of his shadow on my body as he stands beside me.

I inhale another deep breath, readying myself to see him for the first time since last night, then I open my eyes.

He’s wearing aviator shades. They really suit him. My heart skips a couple of beats. I force a calm and say, “Hi,” in the most even voice I can manage.

He smiles down at me. He looks exactly like my version of perfection. He makes my head hurt. “Weather’s really great, isn’t it?” he says, completely unaware of the internal battle that’s raging inside me.

I rest up on my elbows. “Yeah,” I answer, “it’s lovely.”

I notice he’s carrying a shiny blue motorbike helmet in one hand and a black leather jacket in the other, and that he himself is dressed in black leather pants and a plain white T-shirt, and is wearing his trade mark motorbike boots. My first thought is he must be really hot in those leather pants. I’m warm and I’m only wearing a vest and my denim shorts. My second thought: he looks really hot in those leather pants.

“You’re gonna need these.” He tosses the helmet and jacket to me. I catch the helmet but the jacket lands in a heap on my stomach. “And you might want to put some jeans on too,” he adds, nodding down at my bare legs. I don’t miss how his eyes skim up them.

I sit upright, glancing down puzzled at the helmet and jacket. “Why? What for?”

“We’re going out for a ride.”

“Ride? On what?”

“My bike.” He thumbs over his shoulder.

I look past him and see waiting on the other side of the garden fence the red Ducati that lives in the barn.

So, it is his bike. That makes him even sexier, if possible. Crap.

“I didn’t know you rode a motorbike?” I say, putting the helmet down on the grass and sitting the jacket next to it.

He crouches down beside me, so close I can feel his heat. He pulls off his sunglasses, hangs them off his T-shirt and looks me straight in the eye. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” His tone is low, intimate.

I feel a white, hot thrill shoot through my blood, throwing me off-balance. I put my hands down to the ground to steady myself.

“Go put some jeans on,” he tilts his head in the direction of the house, “and we can get going.”

Pulling myself together, I shake my head and say, “Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.”

“What?”

“No way am I getting on that thing.” I gesture at the beautiful, but monstrous, motorbike.

“Why not?” he asks, laughing.

“Well I could fall off it for starters … ”

“You’re not gonna fall off it.” He chuckles. “But if you did, you’d heal quickly anyway.” His smile is all fox.

I pull a face at him. “Yeah, well that’s not a theory I fancy putting to the test, thanks all the same.”

I start to get to my feet but he takes hold of my arm, keeping me there. I glance at his hand, then up at his face. “Come out with me,” he says, his tone is inviting and daring, and it’s making me feel like we are the only two people in the world right now.

Trembles erupt deep within me. “I can’t.” My voice is barely working. “I can’t risk being seen by people in case they recognise me, remember?”

“You won’t be seen,” he assures me, not moving his eyes from mine. “I’ll keep you safe.”

I can’t think straight. His touch is distracting.

Then he lets go of my arm and the spell is broken. “I’m just gonna take us up to Dalby Forest, that’s all.” He lifts his voice but his tone is still smooth. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Fun? I really don’t think I should be considering the word fun and Nathan in the same sentence in my current state.

I tuck my hair behind my ear. “You’re not trying to take me hunting again, are you?” I let my obvious distaste at that thought spread plain across my face.

He laughs. It’s a slow, dry laugh, and sexy as hell. “No, Alex. I’m not going to try and take you hunting again.” I love it when he says my name.

He gets to his feet. “Don’t make me beg.” A grin plays like a tune on his face.

“Fine,” I huff. “I’ll come.”

He smiles a winning smile.

I pick the jacket and helmet up, and get to my feet so that we’re just stood here facing one another. I’m not sure what to do, or just exactly what it is he’s waiting for. He still hasn’t looked away from my face and my pulse has started to beat loudly in my ears.

“Jeans,” he finally says, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah, of course.” I flush as the realisation thuds into me like a ton of bricks. “Hold these. I won’t be a minute.” Embarrassed, I shove the helmet and jacket into his arms and quickly make for the house.

Nathan’s already sitting astride the bike when I get back, the helmet and jacket waiting for me on the seat behind him.

“You were quick,” he comments.

“Would you rather I go back in and take a bit longer?” I flash my eyes at him.

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Just get your ass on the bike.”

I slip the leather jacket on. It fits perfectly. I wonder where it came from. Maybe it belonged to an ex-girlfriend. Jealously spikes me. I hate that he can make me feel this way without even knowing. I try to zip it up, but the zipper’s stiff and I can’t do it.

“Come here.” Nathan gestures to me.

I go and stand in front of him. He takes hold of the zipper, fits it in and pulls it up in one easy movement.

I slide my eyes up from the zipper, meeting his on the way up. “Thanks.” My mouth is so sticky it is like talking through a mouthful of chewing gum.

His eyes smile at me. “No worries.”

“Where you two off to?” I jolt away from Nathan at the sound of Cal’s voice like I’ve just heard a gun go off.

Nathan pulls his own black helmet from off the handle bars. “I’m just taking Alex out for a ride to Dalby Forest,” he answers in an even tone. He puts his helmet on. I can sense the tension between them. Even if I hadn’t overheard their conversation last night, I’d know something was off.

I can’t bring myself to turn around and acknowledge Cal, but I also can’t let on that I overheard their conversation, so I force myself to relax and try to act no differently than I normally would around him.

“Well you’ve got a good day for it,” Cal comments, pointing up at the sky. “I’ll catch you later.” And with a nod, he disappears into the house.

“You getting on or not?” Nathan says, his voice now monotone, and I can’t tell if he’s being arsey or joking.

“On,” I say. I pick my helmet up, put it on and fasten the chin strap, then I gingerly climb onto the seat behind him.

He turns the key in the ignition. The explosion of the engine startles me as its power vibrates up through my body. My nerves instantly kick in.

I put my hands around his waist, holding on, but keep a safe distance between us.

He kicks the bike stand away and rolls it forward, quickly gaining speed.

Without meaning to, I squeal out when he takes the bend at the top of the driveway. I grip hold of him tighter, practically digging my fingers into his ribs. I feel his low laughter rumble through his body.

It’s only a matter of seconds before we’re at the end of the driveway. He stops the bike, resting his foot to the floor, and takes hold of both my hands and pulls me in closer to him. My heart stutters.

With a quick check, he pulls out onto the road and we roar off in a trail of dust, leaving my stomach still somewhere on his driveway and my heart completely in his hands.