c h a p t e r. 9

"Thoughts are only thoughts. They are not you. You do belong to yourself, even when your thoughts don't." ― John Green

chapter 9

"Hey, Jitterbug, come on," A voice, soft and reassuring and so very green enters Jazz's senses, warm hands a flicker of touches against his arms, his body turning and exposed-- and exposed was bad, but then a familiar body was close enough to his that he didn't even think about pulling them right into him. "You have to -mph!"

There's a slight thunk, but no noise of pain, and his grip tightens, moving his hands to better pull the celestial against him-- mostly because he was tired and also just really wanted some cuddles.

And to sleep longer, so that's exactly what he asks, voice a bit rougher from his nap, "More sleep?"

"No more sleep." Cas says, voice thrumming with tension and anger and if Jazz wasn't getting the hint to wake up, he definitely was now. "You have to wake up."

The celestial's song was jerky and pitchy but still beautiful, his seafoam and sunflower content from when they were cuddling earlier was completely swamped over in moss and a burning forest green.

He was angry, very angry.

Though Jazz didn't get the chance to ask why, since Cas was already climbing out of the car-- oh yeah! They were in the car!-- and Nyx was standing by it with an odd expression on her face, her dark blue music popping a bit unsurely. Strange.

"Mornin'." Jazz rubs his face slightly, frowning when his jaw hurts. Also strange.

"Nah, dipshit," His older sister just shakes her head, not a smile but rather an amused I'm-trying-not-to-be-angry smirk on her face. "It's afternoon."

Watching as the celestial shoves his hand into his pockets, a jaw clenched as his gray eyes glowered at the ground harshly as if his divine power alone could cause the whole ground to shake.

Jazz was sure that if such a being like him wasn't trapped on earth, he would've.

Gods don't bow down to mortals, and they don't hold back on their wrath.

So it's no surprise that the celestial is no different.

"Jazz," Nyx calls him quiet enough that Cas doesn't notice-- his glare unflinching as they walk towards the coffee and tea stand, Eris and Dela already walking ahead with Axel not far off and Damien hanging from his oldest sister's side. "Your face."

"My face?" He brings a delicate hand towards to cup his mouth slightly, turning to her and making matching eyes meet. "Is it something with my jaw?"

She nods, "Axel bruised you and that butterfly of yours got... very upset. That's why he's like that."

"Oh," Jazz frowns, pulling up his phone to look at the camera, seeing the mulberry and darkish brown bruises covering his chin and jaw in the shape of fingerprints. Ugh, he always bruises so easily, that stupid D'Silvetta should've known not to hold onto him so hard!

The musician's grumbles cut off as he notices how much Cas is ticing, his arms jerking out in a way that looks painful-- but from previously asking if it was, he knows its not-- and different sounds and words come out of his mouth.

Jazz feels bad, knowing that Axel is the one who caused him to be so stressed and was halfway to asking the celestial if he just wanted to go relax back at the apartment when they finally got to the park's tables when a sharp "Hey freak!" broke through the soft afternoon air and made him flinch.

Because, well, he's been called a freak all his life.

He's used to it.

But Cas-- Cas is the one who responded, his body swirling around and impressively catching a football before it hit his chest, a scowl instantly on his face as he saw the tall man with the same eyes as him coming towards the group.

Seeing the chaotic and constantly moving, kinda dark yellows and browns of the dudes-- Cas' brother? Cousin? Relative of some kind-- and instantly feeling uncomfortable with it, Jazz stands up and moves to reach out to touch the celestial, maybe hug him close, but stops. He didn't know if these two were close, or if his roommate was even out to the man and he definitely wouldn't be the one to expose that.

The tall, but not taller than him, man came right up to Cas and threw an arm around his neck, making the celestial shove him away and snap, "No touching." in a tone that lets the musician and all his family know that this is not a welcome interaction.

Without even saying anything, the Reds and D'Silvettas tense, getting into protective stances, careful eyes watching the scene unfold-- waiting for Jazz or Nyx, the one who would know the most or their usual team leader to motion to jump in.

"Still on your high horse I see." The man smirks down at Cas, as if having a boundary suddenly made him less of a person.

Cas' song doesn't change from it's bursts of anger and frustration but a familiar, clam note of a calm fern green is a tiny mark, a simple note among the mass of moss and jumping music.

It doesn't make Jazz like this man anymore though.

Because, along with the fern, is an olive pond of self-hate.

Cas' relative makes him not like himself, and that is something that the musician will never excuse. No one should make a deity like him question whether or not they deserve to be worshipped.

"These are your friends?" He asks, looking between Jazz and his people-- which instantly mad him... not mad, exactly, but definitely not happy.

"No." Cas lies, his song spiking in a certain kind of unfamiliar fear, the basil such an alarming color that Jazz almost loses his control and takes the celestial away from this man; which the musician was really close to doing. "We just met."

"Oh, then allow me to make proper introductions," The douchebag has an all too smug look on his face. "I'm Atlas Sawyer."

No one says a fucking word.

Nyx's glare hardens, Damien straightening up and Dela and Eris just fixing him with a level, 'and I care why?' look as Axel scowls at him.

They're all staring. Waiting.

Ready to react when need be.

Patting-- but also quickly getting shoved away by-- Cas on the shoulder, Atlas says, "And this is Alpha Rex."

Huh? Alpha?

That's his name?

Cas looks at him over his shoulders, gray eyes more than frustrated but his song tells Jazz he's more hurt right now and willing to throw a punch than anything else. Which is not something that the musician wants his celestial to be feeling.

"He's my younger brother, I'm married that's why the different last names, and he's an Aries," Liar, Jazz thinks. He knows the celestial's earthy birthday and that's not a part of it. "A professional and complete dumbass, destined to be alone forever and his favorite color is the sunset."

Excuse him? Alone forever?

Fine. Then Jazz will just have to be alone with him.

Because, and the musician is quickly learning, Cas makes forever seem easy. He makes Jazz feel like someone who'd actually get to be happy, get to be in a relationship. Get to be loved.

And Jazz wants to be loved, so so bad.

But he also wants to love someone.

To love someone how his papa loves his goddess mama more than life itself, to love how his papa loved when he found that his redemption in all those stories he grew up hearing was his mama all along, love someone like Nyx and Damien love each other to the point of understanding without words, to finding sanctuary in each other's broken pieces, love how Eris and her girlfriend Arabella love each other to the point of finding purpose, of invention, how Dela and her girl Lavender love each other enough to love themselves, to finding serenity and peace in the other's arms.

He wants to love someone enough that all the love he saw growing up, saw forming and creating and passionate, seems weak in comparison.

He wants someone to give him their all, and for him to show them all his favorite things, to be with them and have them never question if they were enough because they always would be.

He wants that.

And he wants that love to be with Cas.

Is that selfish? To want something that seems so far off?

"Hey, Alpha," Atlas moves his hand too fast and it makes Cas flinch and that is what makes Jazz mad. How often did this ingrate hurt his celestial to create that kind of reaction? What the fuck is wrong with him? "What do you want to do, I'll be here until tomorrow."

"I want-" Cas squeaks. "-you to leave, Sawyer."

"Not happening," Atlas shrugs, and Jazz's mood gets worse as this poop-colored song dude just disrespects boundaries like that. Especially when their company was unwanted in the first place. "Deal with it."

"So...introduce me already, Alpha," Atlas' grin widen all the more and even though the musician isn't a violent person, the brief thought of smashing a drum over his head does come into mind. "Because just from the looks of it alone, you like him."

"No." Cas says, tone firm and meaning every word but the douchebag just stares down at his brother as if he just challenged his whole base of reality-- which he definitely did not. "He wants to spend time with his family- -in Eden- -can't you just leave?"

"Nope, here to stay." Atlas almost, but not quite, shoves past Cas and plops down onto one of the table's benches and faces all of Jazz's very unimpressed people, Axel awkwardly smiling because, well, he didn't know what the fuck was happening. "Who are you guys?" Eris and Damien makes a very annoyed face but say nothing, Nyx crossing her arms while the other three simply just stare at him. "Are they all mute?"

Nah, his family just doesn't speak disrespectful white douchebag very well.

But they can speak Idiot.

"Maybe they don't like talking to assholes," Cas snaps. "But that could just be me."

Nope definitely just not him.

"It's just you Alpha, fucking little shit." Atlas' glare makes the celestial tense and wince and Jazz has to count down from ten to not just grab what's his and make a run for it. "Didn't even let me give them a chance to be chill with me, just jumped right on the insults."

"Do you even need me for this conversation? Because I'm pretty sure you can still act like a total prick when nobody is around."

"I'd say go jump off a cliff, but haven't you already tried that?"

Too far, Jazz's brain shouts at him. That's too far. Why aren't you doing something? You need to do something. Do something. Take him away from the scary man. Take him away... Take him away! TAKE HIM AWAY! TAKE HIM AWAY-TAKE HIM AWAY-TAKEHIMAWAY--

Calm down, the other half of his brain screams.

The more terrifying thoughts scream back, TAKE. HIM. AWAY.

Calm down.

HE'S NOT SAFE. HE'S NOT SAFE. TAKE HIM AWAY FROM THEM ALL.

Calm down. Cas can handle himself.

SAVE HIM. SAVE HIM. LOOK, HE'S SCARED. HE'S SCARED. HE'S SCARED! HE'S SCARED-HE'SSCAREDHE'SCAREDHE'SSCARED- I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WANTED HIM TO BE SCARED AROUND YOU?

Calm down.

LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. LOOK. LOOK. LOOK! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

TAKE HIM AWAY! SAVE HIM! HE'S SCARED!

HE'S SCARED! They both scream and Jazz flinches in on himself, his thoughts going static as he tunes back into the conversation, his palms a little sweaty and his eyes probably too unkind and unflinching and that having that darkness in them that never truly goes away.

Look at him, they whisper. Look at what that man did to your God. Look. Don't you want to hurt him? Don't you want to keep Cas safe?

No. No. He didn't want to hurt anyone, Cas--

LOOK AT HIM! They demand, claws digging in deeper. LOOK AT THE WAY HIS HANDS ARE SHAKING. HE'S SCARED. HE'S SCARED. TAKE HIM AWAY. HURT HIM. HURT HIM. HURT HIM! HURTHIMHURTHIMHURTHIM--

He's not like that! Stop it!

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT-- SAVE HIM!

You need to save him from yourself!

Hurt him! He hurt Cas. He'd deserve it. Just--

No, no! No. No. Just run away from it. Run away from your thoughts. Run away so you don't become a monster. Just run away. Run away!

"W-well," This is the first thing Jazz says, making most eyes turn to him as his thoughts continue to yell, wrong choice! His eyes were wide but he didn't really see anything too much, his back straightened and expression showing just how unsure he is of this situation, of his thoughts-- but he also, very much so, needed to take Cas away from this asshole. Take himself away, too. "I don't, I don't like this conversation, so I'm just g-gonna--" He points to the direction of their dorm. "Ye-yeah, I'm going to go."

Then, because, well, he was taught to never leave something of his behind and needed to get away, the musician just swoops down and puts the celestial over his shoulder without even thinking about it.

Which does earn him a startled "what the fuck?" from Cas but he collectively decides to ignore that for the moment.

His siblings, who he knew had been in their I'll-fuck-you-up, silent fighting mode, quickly followed him in sync-- two in front and one behind him, the D'Silvettas on the sides so if Mr. Douchebag tried to get tp Cas, well, he couldn't.

Jazz's protectiveness, well, it was less possessiveness and more 'I'll protect what's mine by grabbing it and running' because he's never been a fighter, is scared of the damage he's do, scared of how dark and sinister his own mind could go, but is more than willing to give up his safety for the people and things he cares about.

Still keeping his hold tight on Cas, but making sure it was also not hurting him or uncomfortable, Jazz turned to Axel and Damien and said, "Remember what we used to do in high school?" Crowd the bad guy, intimidate, and split up for better protection. " Yeah, that."

Instantly the guys stopped walking and backtracked, blocking Atlas from following them. Axel, for all his annoying qualities, could be straight up terrifying in that unknown D'Silvetta way, so as soon as he struck up the conversation and Damien stood behind him like a bodyguard, the celestial's older brother stopped to listen but looked rather confused.

Not that Jazz cared.

And, somehow, Viv must've seen them from somewhere around campus because her familiar voice rang out, "Hey! Need help beating someone up?" before she bounded up to the group of five, taking Damien's previous spot.

"Not yet." Nyx replies. "He was messing with the butterfly and Jazz did his usual grab and go thing."

"This is not usual," Cas says. "And, seriously, what the hell is with the butterfly thing?"

Eris laughs, glancing back between the celestial and her brother, who was now a flushed red, "You didn't tell him, Jazz? Shameful."

"I wasn't sure!" He whined, hand subconsciously tightening on Cas' thigh as he forced his thoughts to focus-- don't imagine bloody knuckles or busted lips or how each it would be to ruin someone, don't imagine giving out all the pain who've received. Think about butterfly land at midnight and the soft way the stars looked a quarter after three. Think about green and happiness and safety. Think about anything but that. "How was I supposed to know?"

"Reds always know," Dela snorted back. "Literally always. You just were scared."

"Hmph."

"No one answered yet," The celestial sounded more annoyed than usual, but that was understandable, and his hands gripped the back of the musician's shirt in a stern grip. "So can you-- sasuke!-- do that already?"

"It's an, um... i-it's like matching socks?" Jazz tried, and failed, to explain.

"Helpful," Cas muttered.

"Sorry," He frowned and tried again. "Well, see, you're one sock, and I'm one sock too. We're free to be our own socks, but we only have one match. We are the one match. You're my butterfly, which I didn't even think about to explain since it's such a normal thing I grew up around."

"Oh," Cas' grip tightens on his shirt. "You mean like soulmates?"

Huh? Jazz stumbles, knowing that yes, like soulmates but--

But how could he ever have the celestial as his butterfly, his soulmate, when his thoughts got as dark as they did and he was pure light, pure divinity?

Dela and Eris' hands were on Jazz's shoulders making sure he didn't fall again and Nyx's dark blue was in the celestial's viridian space, so she must have braced Cas from falling too while Viv, for all her odd morals and charm, simply laughed.

"I don't mean that like, like we're meant to be together- -in Eden- -or that-" Cas squeaks as Jazz straightens up again, throwing a thankful smile to his sisters who nod in return. "-you have to be with me. My mom, she believes in soulmates but like, as people you're, people you're supposed to meet. She has um, a few. Like my Uncle Kace and Uncle Jem, they're her best friends, but um, just people she's met too, one's she doesn't even know anymore. And my dad of course.

"Everyone has-" Cas continues to explain. "-more than one soulmate but every soulmate is different."

The musician feels like his skin is too tight at that moment-- not because he expected anything, expecting the celestial to want to be his butterfly back, but hoping if he did then it'd be special.

He'd only have one butterfly, but Cas' wouldn't be his and his alone.

It shouldn't make Jazz feel as small as it did.

Shouldn't have been the thing to make him realize he was selfish for that hope, either.

"Different?" Jazz asks.

"Different...how do I, oh." Cas' song shifts, green going into seafoam and light and happiness-- a familiar tune he has whenever he's talking about his, besides Atlas, siblings. "My older sister is one of mine, she's like...she's helped me through a lot. Our souls match. Noelle is one of my soulmates, once she was my best friend but that's not really true anymore. I have a lot of soulmates, but none are the same or mean the same."

Before Jazz could question him further, the weirdo moves between him and Nyx and spoke way too close to his back-- probably right in Cas' face-- and asked, "How do you know who's your soulmate? I want that many!"

"It's someone you feel like you were supposed to always meet." Is all Cas says about it, then adds, "Jasper's your soulmate."

That... that made sense, in a way.

Jazz feels like, even if their families weren't as close or even knew each other, he'd find Viv one day and they would've just hit it off. Best friends travel across time together, in the musician's opinion.

Butterflies are cherished and loved and protected for all of the Reds' lifes but best friends? Yeah, those surpass time-- no dumbass can be reincarnated alone without their fellow trouble maker.

Slowly, Viv replies, a soft blue coming over his shoulder as he hears soft little pats, "Jazz's your soulmate."

Well... she wasn't wrong.

Jazz is Cas' soulmate, even if the celestial didn't want to be his or realized one day the type of worship the musician offered wasn't to his taste.

He'd be his, even then.