c h a p t e r. 21

"I have outlasted all desire." -Alexander Pushkin

chapter 21

Jazz purposely woke up before his god did, setting an almost silent alarm that blared a bright yellow from the corner of his room to do so, and spent almost half an hour trying to move Castor off of him to make sure he didn't wake him up.

Because he was always so warm and knew his star got cold without him, he made sure to get his comforter that had been kicked to the very end of the bed and to wrap it around him snuggly, seeing how he instantly turned into the warmth, mumbling something.

"It's okay, Star," The musician kissed his forehead, seeing how his eyebrows were coming together. "I'll be right back, okay? You can sleep more, it's safe."

Sighing, Castor did just that, looking adorable and peaceful with mint and seafoam surrounding him. Making sure the celestial was actually asleep again before he leaves, Jazz quickly writes a note to him (in case he woke up) to call him and that he'd be back soon.

He knows the celestial didn't sleep well without him.

He doesn't know why that is, but he's happy that Castor feels comfortable around him enough to not wake up with eye bags whenever they fall asleep cuddling.

Pulling on some sweatpants instead of shorts and a long sleeve over his torso, he makes his way towards his private kitchen and pulls a large picnic basket. Politely asking his cook to make some omelets (made how he knows the celestial likes them) and begins packing everything else up.

His pastry chef made strawberry cream cannolis with some vanilla ones too so he put those in there with a cold lemonade and some hot chocolate with cups, plates, silverware, and napkins. He also put in fresh raspberries, oranges, and strawberries.

When the cook got down, he packed the omelets too and thanked her before putting a lantern in there (it gets dark sometimes in different parts of Nymph's Creek) and took the basket back to his room.

Setting it by the door, he made his way over to Castor who just seemed to be blinking awake, lightning-strike gray eyes squinting over at him.

"Castor!" Jazz cheers, bending over to peck his cheek and decides to just kneel by the edge of the bed to be able to nuzzle his face into the celestial's shoulder, kissing the bare skin there in greeting. "How'd you sleep?"

"I slept..." Cas pauses, wrapping his arms around the musician's shoulder as he grumbles. "So good."

Dimples showing, he chuckles and replies, "That's good, also, you look so fucking adorable right now, Star. Your hair is everywhere,"

"My hair is always everywhere," Castor sighs, plopping his head down on top of Jazz's. "Nothin' special."

"I disagree, sir," Jazz nuzzles their heads together, moving up slightly to be able to hold the celestial back, both embracing the other now. "It looks very fluffy. Can I urm, touch your hair?"

"No pats," Castor said. "But go for it."

Quite happily, Jazz gently runs his hands through his God's hair, brushing his dark brown hair away from his lightning-strike eyes and ignoring the way he was being stared at. Focusing on the soft strands, he wondered how they got that way when he knows for a fact he doesn't use conditioner.

"What are you thinking about?" He hums out as the celestial's colors shift more from seafoam and sunflowers to emeralds.

"Not telling."

"Will you ever?" Jazz turns his mint down, able to meet gray with his own as he tilts his head. "I'd like to know, eventually. It's such a pretty color. And it makes your song um, happier I guess?"

"It's just amusing that you know everything else but that," Castor tells him.

"It's not like there's instructions for seeing emotions," Jazz chuckles out, kissing his nose. "I just have to pay better attention, then, and come up with my own conclusions."

"Bet you won't be able to," Is the celestial's quick reply.

"I'll bet you a whole field of strawberries I'll get it by tomorrow," He says-- planning to get him those strawberries regardless. "And if I do, I get a kiss."

"That's a win-win for me, so deal."

"Hm... true." Jazz tells him. "Now, you gotta get up, date time."

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to Nymph's creek and then we're coming back here for the hot tub. I packed us breakfast and have my swimming trunks on under this."

For whatever reason, that makes the tips of Cas' ears go red.

Jazz blinks at him, "Castor? Your ears are going red."

"Fuck," Grumbling, the celestial moves away to cover them with his hands. "Do they do that a lot?"

"Yes," Jazz chuckles. "But even if they didn't your sunflowers give you away."

"Sunflowers," He scoffs. "Do you have something like that?"

"Um..." Slightly confused at the question, Jazz rolls his bottom lip between his teeth. "I don't really know. I just ignore it, mostly." He pokes his cheek. "Can you make me blush, real quick?"

Moving his hand up, Castor cups his jaw, thumb pressing down on his bottom lip and making his teeth release it as he leaned closer to the point where their noses were almost touching, "Ya' know," the smirk on his lips is undeniable, "I'd fuck you."

Surprised the crass comment and maybe wanting a kiss way too much, the musician flushes a bright red, not even trying to stop it as it takes over his cheeks-- making the celestial laugh.

"So," He teases. "Your sunflowers?"

"Peonies, black peonies." Jazz barely gets out, eyes on his song folding in and around his shoulders, moving towards Cas' to mix with his green. He follows the movement, head tilting as he sees the sunflowers cover his darker colors. "Huh."

"What is it?"

"I'm clingy," Jazz says, then his eyes widen at how that came out. "N-not like, not like that! Well, I hope not like that but um, my song? It likes to move towards yours. And stay around yours. I d-don't know. You're just my butterfly, that's why."

"So yours does that with other people too?"

"Other people?" Jazz frowns. "What do you mean?"

"Your other butterflies," His God says.

"Castor," Jazz says slowly. "You're my only butterfly. You will always be my only butterfly. I... I only get one. You're my one."

"Wait," His star frowns, pausing. "But what about, what about Viv?"

"Viv?" Jazz chuckles. "She's just a part of my heart. Not a butterfly."

"Oh wait, so your--" Castor squeaked, going into mint and olive as he realizes something that Jazz can't quite figure out on colors alone. "-your soulmates are like... You only have one? And that's me?"

Nodding, Jazz says, "Yep, only one. It's only you, and only ever will be you. It's a one type deal, bam and that's it."

The celestial nods and leans over to press a soft kiss onto his forehead. "When you said I'm your soulmate, it meant something different for me. I'm your butterfly and your only one. To me, you're my world. My everything. It's different from a soulmate. A once in a lifetime phenomena. I didn't know that you thought- -bit hot innit- -of me like that too."

"I'm your world?" Jazz flushed all over again, not being able to help the shock that runs through him as he does a happy little wiggle in his spot. "I-I'm not doubting how you feel for me-- or, or I haven't been it's just... I haven't had someone feel the same way about me as I felt about them before. And I'm happy-- happy that you make me happy and that I can make you happy too."

"You definitely make me happy," Cas pecks his lips, earning a wide grin before he moves away and stretches slightly. Jazz follows the way his limber arms move with a slight tilt to his head. "Jasper?"

"Hm?"

"Are you done checking me out or-- bit hot innit!-- do you want me to wait before getting dressed?"

"Sorry," Jazz turns a soft pink, eyes moving away before he remembers something and looks back. "Oh! You can pick out some of my sweatshirts to keep if you w-want. I noticed you liked wearing them around the apartment sometimes. They're in the first section of my closet, the ones I wore the most anyways."

"Yes please," Castor is quick to hop off of the best. "I'm totally taking some."

"Steal away, sir," He gestures towards the closet doors.

The celestial smiles back at him and he can't help but to let the pink turn a red as he feels even his nose grow hot.

***

"And this," Jazz gestures to the wide field leading to the cliff's edge with the giant willow tree next to them, spinning in a small circle. "Is Nymph's creek."

"Hm," Castor's eyes take it in before looking back to the musician, gray clashing with mint. He was now wearing his swimming trunks, sneakers, and a light long sleeve-- same with Jazz but he was now shirtless. "Why do you call it that?"

"My great-grandmother swears she saw a nymph or mermaid down there in the water." He shrugs. "I've never seen anything like that, though, and I've had plenty of animals try to say hello. Do you think I could be friends with a mermaid? I think I could. What if they didn't speak a language I knew, though? I could learn. But then again, everything in their culture would be underwater, nothing to relate to. Yikes."

The celestial chuckles, "Even mermaids would probably find ways to be friends with you, love."

"Because you think I'm adorable?" Jazz tilts his head at him.

"Because you are adorable, whether I think that or not."

Going into a rant about how nice and warm the clear water was, Jazz explains how he used to swim in it almost every week when he was a kid, and still isn't sick of it. It's a beautiful place to be, especially with Castor next to him, his divinity as easy to admire as everything else about him.

Moving closer to the cliff's edge to see, the musician leans over it slightly and sure enough, the water was shining with the sun and clear and lovely.

"Jasper?" Castor says, and he hums in reply. "Did you really mean that I'm your soulmate? Like -your only one."

A little bit surprised by the question, Jazz pauses before answering. "Of course." And then he, because it was completely true, adds. "You're mine."

Casually, almost too casually, his God raises his eyebrow and asks "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" as if that isn't the most amazing thing he's been asked his entire life.

"I--" of course want to be your boyfriend, a million times yes-- is what he wanted to say but then, apparently, he got too excited because his small happy bounce he did sends him right over the edge with a shriek. "--shit!"

Because of fucking course that's something he would do.

Feeling the chill of the water-- which to him was cold but to someone like Cas would probably be room temperature if not a little warmer-- incase his body did not make him feel any less embarrassed for tripping over a goddamn cliff after being asked out.

Maybe he could find a shark to eat him?

Oh! Or he could befriend a mermaid and make them trap him in an underwater hole somewhere?

That would work.

Now only bothering to open his eyes, he squints through the clear blue-ish water and stares above him, not trying to swim as his body stays imobile in the water, arms crossed grumpily over his chest, hear floating above his head and skin reflecting off of the sun that breaks through the water.

Then bubbles are erupting above him, and he sees lightning-strike gray eyes look around him for a second, missing him entirely, before the celestial begins to swim towards the surface, head ticing to the side oddly.

With practiced strokes, Jazz quickly catches up to Castor and wraps an arm around his waist to pin him to his chest, strong legs pushing them to break the surface of the water and come into the air within a matter of seconds.

The musician, then, realizing that he was blushing an absurd amount and shyly looks away from his god.

"Okay so," He begins, mumbling really as he keeps his legs moving, holding both him and the celestial above water with ease. "That was embarrassing as all hell and, um, the answer is yes if me throwing myself off the cliff by accident didn't change your mind."

"Didn't change my mind at all," Castor chuckles, voice and colors a soft mix of mint, sunflowers, and rose leaves. "Could I maybe, if you don't plan to accidentally drown yourself too, have my first kiss as your new boyfriend?"

"Castor," Jazz whines. "I'm not gonna drown myself! Teasing me," He grumbles, then eyes widen as he registers the last part of that question. "And um, yes please for the kiss."

Almost laughing into the kiss, the celestial sighs into his mouth, lips moving together softly and Jazz could feel his emotions, how happy the god was, even if he ruined the sweet moment by falling off that stupid cliff.

Closing his eyes, the musician let himself fall into the kiss, arms tightening around his slightly as he let their mouths mold together, warm shooting down his spine at the sheer joy coursing through him.

Boyfriend.

Castor was his boyfriend.

How the hell did he get so lucky?

Stopping himself from thinking too much, Jazz kissed him more fervently, loving how nice it felt to have their bodies pressed together, loving that they were together and that his god had accepted his form of devotion with a smile.

He was only a man, but it seemed Castor didn't mind that.

Besides, what is a God without someone worshipping them?

And worship is exactly what he plans to do.

Water is suddenly coming between their lips, and Jazz kicks against the water, easily bringing them back up as both of them pull away with laughter on their lips, lightning-strike eyes soft as they look at him.

Nymph's Creek, he knows, is not the only thing he will always find beautiful; Castor and his smile, his song, his ethereal green and his warm hugs will always be divine, always be beautiful to him.

It's simply something he doesn't think he could live without anymore.

Now laying on the warm grass, letting the sun dance across his already tanned skin as he props his head onto his arms, Jazz sighs softly at Castor tracing the tattoos over his back. They had gotten tired swimming and the musician wanted another orange, so they went back to the picnic area and just sat together, talking softly about nothing and everything at once.

It was nice.

"How'd you get these?" Castor asks, lightly tracing the tally mark scars going over the top of his shoulder blades and biceps, tingling following the movement of his fingers.

Stiffening for a second, Jazz debates his answer before simply saying, "Keres."

Anger almost instantly overtakes his song, he can see it even facing towards the water and with his god behind him, it moving in a swamp of moss and sea green, dancing in a swirl of sharp and tense turns.

But Castor's anger was safe-- it would never hurt him.

That he knows for a fact.

"How-- Sasuke-- did..." The celestial purposely stopped talking and when Jazz looked over his shoulder at him, his lips were drawn into a thin line and his eyebrows were furrowed over glaring lightning-strike gray eyes.

"You can ask anything you want to," Jazz turns back around, putting his chin on the back of his hand and watching the waves break over the water and the sun glint off of the rocks.

"I don't want to make your anxiety worse," Castor grumbles out. "Or make you scared."

"My anxiety is okay for now," He informs. "And I'm safe-- you're safe, so it won't get any worse besides maybe a little. And I'm s-sorry, I think I'll always be scared when it comes to him."

A soft breath fans over his back and Jazz can't help but to relax again as his god kisses over the scars, taking care to be gentle and slow as his lips brush the marks.

"No one knew we w-were together," Jazz softly explained, feeling Castor freeze slightly against him before continuing with his gentle touches-- the musician can tell that it's helping calm him down and, honestly, it's keeping his anxiety from paralyzing him, too. "He... was ashamed of me, I think. Didn't like others knowing he was mine, or that I was his. I was c-called a freak a lot, back home. Not good enough but I'm also too much for anyone to want. Or, um, that's what h-he told me."

He takes a deep breath, moving his head to the side so that he could hear his god's song better before continuing, "He liked to make it seem like I was all alone, and I was. He pushed everyone away that c-could've noticed something was, was wrong without me realizing it. I hurt a lot of people doing that-- emotionally wise."

Castor's colors change to basically 'no, fuck that' and Jazz laughed softly, "You're being a snarky grump in your head, aren't you?"

"Hard no to be," The celestial practically sneers out before wincing. "Sorry-- Sasuke!-- continue. If you want to, Jasper. You don't have to tell me."

The musician gives a little shrug, "I haven't been able to talk about it like this before. My a-anxiety always kicks my butt. Is... is it okay if I continue?"

"Of course," This is said with a soft kiss to his shoulder, the extra reassurance he needed.

"Okay, urm, where was I going with that?" Jazz huffs out. "Oh, right. He didn't want anyone to know about us and got r-really, uh, he got really mad if I slipped up. Even over the little things, like h-hesitating if someone asked if I was single."

He sighs, remembering this one time where Viv was concerned about him-- seeing the dark circles constantly under his eyes, his flinches and shaking hands and the stress lining his face.

He almost told her then.

Told her how much he was being hurt and how much he was terrified to try and stop it.

"K-Keres held so much power over me, I didn't even realize it." Jazz frowned. "He scared me. Like, really scared me. I constantly had to be careful with my words around him, be careful on how I acted. He hated the annoying head tilt thing I do? Never did break that habit."

Scars against his shoulder blades, scars against his biceps, scars against his forearms and mind.

He liked to think it was all Keres fault.

But it was his fault too.

"I just let most of it happen," Jazz admitted. "I thought if I tried to stop it, it'd get worse. When I-I, when I didn't do what he said, he liked to punish me. He'd grab me, grab my arms, and wouldn't let go unless I was bleeding." He frowned further, subconsciously rubbing his arm. "I ruined so many shirts-- I m-mean, he ruined a lot of shirts. The... the tally marks?"

He pauses, not quite sure how to admit this, how to explain that it hurt-- it hurt so, so fucking bad-- but didn't quite hurt as much as the alternative, that he chose those. That he was made to think it was a choice but it wasn't, not really.

"I made him wait," Jazz said softly. "For kissing, t-touching; for more. He didn't like that. He d-didn't like that at all. So he'd- he'd make those whenever I'd fight back, when I said no. I was bigger than him physically, but he made me feel small. Weak." He sighs for his past self, wishing he could go back and shake that scared boy and tell him, you'll make it out of this, you'll make it out of this and you'll be happy. "This happened for about a year and a h-half."

At Castor's sharp inhale, he quickly amended, "It's not, it's not that bad, Castor. I'm healing from it even if the scars won't e-ever go away. I got tattoos, all of those, when I got out of that relationship."

"Did..." The celestial takes a deep breath, face lost into a shadow of moss and sea green worry. "Did someone find out about it? How that fucker treated you?"

"Kind of," Jazz shrugs. "I... I kinda snapped? I mean, well, I-I don't know what I mean. We were together for two years almost and the whole time no one knew I was being hurt-- I hardly knew it. He wasn't bad at first. He didn't insult me or hit me or use the switchblade; he wasn't cruel. He got w-worse, though. Slowly over time, I didn't even realize it."

He paused, trying to remember fully what happened that day but couldn't, "He shoved someone else. I don't remember her name but she was a nice girl, didn't mind that I blabbered on during astronomy and offered me pencils when I'd forget them. And I just-- I lost it, Castor. I don't think I've ever been so angry before. I don't remember all of it. I was just standing there, watching as he grabbed her arms and shoved her into the lockers, and I thought not anyone else, he can't hurt anyone else. And then I was standing over him, I didn't even, I d-didn't even recognize him from how much blood was everywhere."

Jazz tugged on his hair, slightly lost into the memory. "And I told him, I told him it was done. I told him we were done. He moved the next month and everyone in school was s-scared of me, they didn't know-- they didn't know what he did to me. I don't think I made a single friend that year, but that was fine with me. Everyone scared me for the longest time, I just saw Keres' face everywhere, his hands were theirs and his voice still likes to laugh at me sometimes. I have dreams where he finds me again a-and I wake up crying."

"Never again." Castor cupped his face gently, pressed a light kiss onto his forehead. "He won't get to hurt you. I won't let that fucker touch you again."

"I know," Jazz could only give a small smile. "You're safe."

His star just nods and repeats, "I'm safe."

It's enough. Him being safe-- safe for Jazz, safe to hold and be held by, safe to love-- is enough.