c h a p t e r. 26

"My whole desire is to burn myself away." -Hafez

chapter 26

Castor had gone back to his house for the day to talk with his twin about whatever he's going to talk to Circe about, so Jazz decided that he'd be going up to Dela's dorm to bother the shit out of her.

Only she wasn't there so the surprise definitely didn't work but thankfully Nyx's and Damien's apartment was close so he hopped onto his motorcycle again and went there, his oldest sister scowling at him but happy to let him in (her dark blue song couldn't lie to him, even if her face could).

Now he was sitting across from her, both of them eating some oranges that were now unpeeled and resting between them, hot chocolate in their hands and talking about Jazz's relationship.

Nyx, besides Viv, is the only person to know that details-- the horrible, heartbreaking details-- of everything that Keres did to him. Well, the stuff he knows anyway. There's parts of it that he knows he's blocking out, that he knows he never wants to remember either.

He trusted her because, unlike his other sisters, she understood what he feels like to be hollowed out and isolated from everyone around her.

He didn't like that she's felt like that before, but there was a certain comfort to knowing that even through all the darkness, there is someone sitting next to you, able to reach out and understand that even if there's no light at all, that his eyes were aching and even if it felt cold, his skin felt too warm and too tight to hold all his emotions inside of it.

It was something that Eris and Dela, for all their emotional maturity and kindness, didn't and would never be able to get.

Mental illness just hit him and Nyx harder than their twins'.

Which was okay, Jazz would rather feel like that than his sisters.

Nyx sat back in her chair, swirling her drink slightly as she looked at him with matching mint eyes-- she looked so much like their Goddess Mama sometimes, more than Eris or Dela ever did, that he could swear he saw the same anger in her eyes that she had.

His mother was a gentle woman, but she was fierce and protective.

Between her and his papa, she was the one people should truly be scared of. And Nyx? People should be shared of Nyx, too. Both of them had no mercy when it came towards people hurting their loved ones.

"So, little J," She began. "Tell me about your celestial."

Startled, Jazz looked at her with wide eyes, "How d-did you know I called him that?"

"Jazz," Nyx deadpanned, rolling her eyes. "Papa has his goddess, I have my angel, Eris has her deity or heaven or whatever, and Dela has her immortal or divinity. All of us have a godlike partner-- who we believe is ethereal, it's no surprise that my celestial guess was spot on."

"That's... fair," Jazz wrinkled his nose. "And he's simply amazing, Blaine." It was what him and the rest of his family called her-- it being her middle name and their parent's ship name with her being the oldest and all that. "He's-- he's really respectful. Grumpy. Kind. Castor is always observing things, and he's really smart too. He's at the University for Culinary but he's not only talented in cooking; he's good at football, he knows a shit ton of weird facts, and he likes reading, too. I know he's my butterfly, and I know we have a really big connection not just emotionally but physically too, but it feels surreal sometimes, y'know? Like, this is my life now."

"Yeah I know," Nyx smiled slightly, mint eyes twinkling with the happiness she liked to keep hidden. "When I first started to admit my feelings for Damian, when I actually was like, holy fuck, I love this dude, we got into a bad fight."

Jazz nods, because he remembers that.

Intense voices, yelling and angry and hurt making the whole house shake. Nyx and Damien speaking too fast and loud for him to remember what they said but he knows the feeling he got, watching both of them half to tears and glaring at each other.

Anyone who grew up with Nyx and Damien-- even if they had their own best friends, Teddy and Axel and Levi-- knew that those two meant the world to each other.

Even at ten years old, Jazz looked up to his oldest sister and saw how much her and the devil boy meant to each other, even if those stubborn asses didn't admit it to each other until they were well into their senior year of high school.

"And I went to Mama and I asked her if she thought she'd ever lose Papa," She explained. "Did you know they broke up before at butterflyland?"

"Papa told me one year," The musician nodded. "Didn't say why past it was his fault."

"Bullshit," His sister rolled her eyes. "It was because Talmai beat him up, he had to lie about it and Mama didn't know. Couldn't see him 'fight' anymore, y'know how triggered she gets at seeing bruises and cuts and stuff, and broke up with him. It was like, a month and a half later they got back together, I think? Anyways, I asked and she said that."

"Mama would never lose Papa though," Jazz tilted his head, frowning slightly because he had no clue where she was going with this.

"We know that, she didn't back then," Nyx rolled her eyes again. "But the point is, they've been through some shit. I've been through stuff too, I know you have as well. Second point, papa and mama got through it together. We went through our things alone."

"Okay...?"

"Jazz," She sighed. "It's okay to rely on that boy of yours, alright? He's not going away, I saw the way he looks at you; how you look at him. Eris told me once that Damien looks at me like Papa looks at Mama--"

"Because he does."

"--and that really helped me. You don't need help, you guys are already cute together, but he looks at you like that too, okay? I swear, his eyes just... he seems like someone who's gone through something really painful. I could see it in his eyes, Cas always looked tense. He's a softie for you, though."

"Castor calls me a puppy," Jazz laughed out, blushing slightly from the turn the conversation took. "He says I'm a dork, too."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Yes." The reply was instant. "He's... I don't know. He's just mine, and I'm his. It's enough."

"Mhm," Nyx smirked, crossing her arms over her chest, blue galaxy song turning sarcastic. "Sure it is. Viv and I talk, and I totally don't know about your 'oh fuck, I love him' moment."

"Blaine!" He flushed, reaching over the table to shove her shoulder as his sister only laughed. "That's a no-no topic!"

"Alright, alright," She held her hands up with a chuckle, shrugging innocently. "I'll leave it alone. Just-- if something scares you, if he scares you, don't keep that to yourself, yeah? I can tell Cas is the type of person to respect boundaries, to not want to hurt you, so bring it up if something goes wrong. Or to, I don't know, drop the 'L bomb on him."

"I'm ending this conversation," Jazz pouted out.

Nyx only rolled her eyes, looking down at her lap when Malchance, one of her two cats, jumped onto her lap, one paw raised to bap her on her cheek, wanting attention.

Feeling his phone ping in his pocket, the musician pulls it out and opens the message from his boyfriend.

Grumpy God

fuck you

*sent photo*

Opening the photo and not caring about the rather rude context, Jazz sees his boyfriend bundled into a sweater, a scarf around his neck and hiding the bottom of his chin but his nose and cheeks were completely red form the cold, messy brown hair hidden underneath his beanie and lightning-strike gray eyes glaring into the camera.

Ah, so nice.

Moving onto the balcony, not caring how the cold afternoon air came into the apartment (Nyx was naturally warm just like him and wouldn't mind), he settled into one of the cushioned chair, looking out at the town, not chilled at all even though he was only in a t-shirt and it was snowing out.

Me

What did I do?

*sent photo*

He sent a photo of him looking rather confused and with his head tilted to the side back to his God, waiting for the reply by putting on his favorite playlist and sitting back, looking up at the cloudy sky.

It was actually kind of peaceful.

Grumpy God

is this permission to kiss you breathless against a wall

or just teasing

Jazz squeaks quite loudly, earning an amused knock on the balcony's doors from Nyx, both of the siblings flipping each other off before he returns to his phone, and typed a quick response.

Me

Yet to be determined

But probably permission ;)

Grumpy God

fair enough

but i'll be ready for it either way

Appreciating how Castor didn't even question the 'yet to be determined', knowing that Jazz got overwhelmed sometimes, and enjoying flirting a little too much, fumbles for a reply before deciding that he would really like to see his boyfriend's face.

Me

Can I get another picture of you?

And he does get a picture-- only in that one Castor's eyes are slightly wide, a half-smile on his face that was very red and a snowball was breaking against the side of his face (no doubt thrown by Circe), beanie obviously about to slip off and the entire thing a little blurry.

Which instantly made him a little concerned, knowing his god was already cold and snow like that, for normal people, hurt because it made them so frozen, especially when he was still outside.

Me

Oh no!

Are you okay Castor?

Grumpy God

she's in danger

Danger? Jazz frowned. What did he mean, danger? Like, slipping on the ice and banging your head danger or like, he was being grumpy enough to attack her back, danger?

Me

That doesn't answer the question

>:(

Is she falling on the ice a lot?

Grumpy God

nah i'm gonna kill her

Welp.

His boyfriend was gonna murder his twin.

That's... pleasant.

And not at all surprising. The celestial threatens to get someone got at least one a week. So does Viv, now that Jazz thinks about it. Dang, he was surrounded by psychos. So murder was gonna happen eventually.

Me

Don't do that, Star.

Blood stains the snow too much AND murders a no-no

Also I don't think prison is too much fun

Actually, you could probably get away with murder.

Yikes.

With his god not replying, Jazz waits a minute before sending another text.

Me

Are you okay?

Castor?

Grumpy God

He was defeated.

-CC

*sent photo*

This image is of Castor half crouched down, glaring at the ground, blood over his face and coming from his nose and his mouth is twisted into a 'I hate everything' scowl. He's hurt and it's not okay.

Me

Circe what happened???

Hello?

s he okay??

No reply.

Which made Jazz's hold on the phone tighten, lips in a straight line with worry as his leg bounced.

Waiting a mere five seconds, he sent another text.

Me

Castor??? Circe???

You can't just send a photo like that and not expect me to freak out

:(((

"Yeah, fuck that," Jazz muttered, hitting the call button and watched as Castor's contact photo took up the screen-- one of him cuddled onto the giant's chest, sleeping in one of his boyfriend's sweatshirts and looking very adorable-- as he stood, pacing on the small balcony and making it creak.

Then the god answered.

"Castor?" The musician knew he sounded upset and didn't bother to hide that. "Are you okay? What happened, why are you bleeding-- did Circe break your nose for trying to murder her?"

"Jitterbug," Castor says, then squeaks, voice slightly muffled. "What are you talking about? I promise I'm fine."

"Liar," Jazz mumbled out, pouting. "Circe sent me a photo, saying you were defeated, and your face looks like how it did when we first meant. All bloody but you were also glaring instead of passed out. So you are very much not fine, not if you're hurt."

"Jasper," His boyfriend said, sounding a little amused.

"Castor," He huffed back.

"It's just a bloody nose, I'm really okay. I just want to kill Circe much more than before now for making you worry. Are you still outside?"

"Um..." Jazz paused, frozen in place as he noticed that no, no he wasn't-- his nervous walking having taken from the balcony to the kitchen, where he was fiddling with, for whatever reason, a spoon. "Why am I like this?" He groaned, cursing at himself in Greek.

"What happened?" Now it's Castor's turn to sound worried.

"Nothing," He sighed out, putting the spoon into the sink as he frowned down at it, wondering how he grabbed it in the first place. "I just-- nevermind. Are you okay?"

"Not the first time I got a bloody nose, I'll live."

"As far as you know," Jazz grumbled out, not thinking about the words before he realized what he said and squeaked, free hand waving in front of him in a panicky gesture. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. A bloody nose won't kill you, you're right. I was just, I was being s-sour and I don't even know why I was being sour."

"That's your version of sour? Cute."

"My sourness is an extension of meanness which isn't cute. I actually can be mean, sometimes y'know." Jazz informed. "Like, a real meanie-pants. Zero percent nice. Zilch. You might not believe me, Castor, but it's the truth."

"Pfft, of course it's true," The celestial scoffs sarcastically. "I'm trembling just at the thought."

"Castor," Jazz whines. "You're teasing me, aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm actually terrified." He said completely unconvincingly. "That's why I'm dating you, because I'm just so attracted to your meanness."

"Oh, I'm sure that's why." The musician looked down-- and he was playing with another spoon! "What the fuck?"

Malchance startled at his swear and Jazz startled back in return when the cat started to spazz out over the counter, knocking things down-- including a plate that shattered on the ground next to his bare feet making him swear all over again.

Frozen in place, the musician just stares down at the shards of porcelain surrounding his feet, then he looks back up and makes eye contact with the cat, who just looked frozen in place too.

"Um..." Jazz mumbled, realized Castor called his name over the phone and brought it back up to his ear. "Star, I'm okay-- wait, Mal! Don't do that! Blaine!"

Throwing his phone onto the counter, he lurched forward, catching the cat who was about to jump down and onto all those sharp pieces. Feeling a sting in the side of his foot, he ignored it and quickly put Malchance onto the opposite counter as him, the cuddly creature running away safely as soon as possible.

It was good that the cat didn't get hurt.

Jazz, however, did.

He didn't step on any of the small pieces, thankfully, because he was tall enough to grab then deposit Mal somewhere safe from where he was standing, but when he moved that quick, his foot slipped and got stabbed by a sharp shard right on the heel.

"Jazz?" Nyx stumbles back into the room, baseball bat in hand which quickly gets put down when she sees the blood staining his sock-- his olaf sock!-- and she rushed forward, scowling down at the floor. "What happened?"

"I scared your cat, your cat scared me back, plate fell, he did the jumping jump thing and he was gonna land on the danger shards and then-- well, I-I kinda got a stab in the foot." He holds it up, feels the sting and the warmth of blood trailing down his skin. "See?"

"Fucking hell," His sister grumbles, glaring at the floor as she quickly grabbed the broom. "Your clumsiness is getting a little out of hand, J."

"Yeah," He says softly, then sees a sea green swirl around his phone. "Oh, right!"

Grabbing it again and using his upper body strength to pull himself onto the counter without ever touching the floor, he quickly interrupts what his boyfriend was saying with, "Castor! I'm sorry, the cat was being a butt, my foot got stabbed, I usually don't sweat that much, also how's your nose? Are you still bleeding?"

"What do you mean your foot got stabbed?"

"A plate broke, Malchance was going to jump onto the floor next to all the broken pieces and I grabbed her before he could, but when I moved a bigger piece stabbed me. That's why I wasn't answering. Stupid spoon."

"Spoon?" Castor sounded so confused.

"Yeah!" Jazz nodded to himself. "I was talking with you, and I was nervous, and somehow I ended up fiddling with a spoon? Like, it happened twice. I don't even know where they came from because I never opened a drawer and those are not the kind my sister owned. Magic spoons. Oh, what if they actually were magic and could teleport and stuff? Could it teleport me too? That would be cool."

"Jitterbug, focus," The celestial demanded. "Did you bandage your foot?"

Locking eyes with a now grumpy but amused Nyx, his sister rolled her eyes and mouthed 'don't lie, fuckhead' before sweeping up the last of the shards and making her way back to her room. Jazz huffed and shook his head before he realized his god couldn't see him.

"Um, nopity. But I will. Are you still outside?"

"Go take care of your foot, you dork. And no, I'm in the car right now. Circe is grabbing the rest of our things as a punishment for breaking my face."

Worried as he hopped down from the counter and began the trek to the first aid kit, he asked, "Is your nose actually broken, star?"

"Nah, I'm fine," Castor said. "Just a bloody nose."

"This is why you don't try to murder people," Jazz chided.

"Meh." Is all his oh-so-lovely boyfriend said.

"Hmph," He very, very eloquently replied.

"What time are you going to be home today?" The celestial asked. "I'm going to be back by seven-- seven, seven, seven-- I think. Send me pictures of the ferocious dragon? And yourself."

"Mhm," The musician hummed into the phone. "Around the same time, probably, unless I annoy Nyx too much and she kicks me out."

"You're not annoying, you bitchass!" Nyx yelled from her room.

"Whatever, fucknugget!" He called back, then turned back to the conversation. "There's this cafe around here that has the best strawberry milkshakes you will probably ever taste. So I'm going to bribe them for their recipe and bring back one for you to try."

"Strawberries, fuck yeah," Castor's smile could be heard in his voice and it made Jazz wiggle happily in his seat. "Also, I think I've heard you swear today more than I ever have before."

"Sorry," Jazz winced. "I don't usually try to do that around you."

"Why?" The celestial sounded half-way to amusement but also confused. "I swear around you all the time."

"Not all the time," He corrected. "Mostly just towards different things or someone else, though. 'Cause people annoy you. When I swear, it's mostly to myself about myself and you don't like when I talk like that."

"Yeah, because you're an adorable puppy who doesn't deserve to have someone be rude to him even if that someone is you."

"Y'know, sometimes though, I actually do. I'm not perfect."

"You'll have a hard time convincing me of that."

"Sir," Jazz said. "Do you know how many walls I run into? That's not a nice thing to do, and I'm clumsy. I stumble over my words all the time and-- wait, I'm not going to list my bad thingies."

Sometimes Jazz is scared that Castor will just look at him and realize that he can't offer him that much. That he's not good enough for the god or that he's just... boring in comparison.

"Jasper."

"Castor."

"Are you afraid or something?" He asked, and edge to his voice. "About what you call the 'bad thingies'?"

Nyx did tell him not to keep stuff like this to himself...

"Urm," The musician frowned. "I don't know? Just... what if, this might be ridiculous," he warned, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. "What if you just wake up one day and I'm not what you want anymore?"

"You're right," Castor snorts. "That is ridiculous and would never fucking happen."

"Are you sure?"

"One-hundred percent."

Changing the topic, not sure how to process all the emotions swirling about his chest, he says, "You know, if I get those shakes, I'll taste like strawberries, right?"

"Is that an invitation to kiss you, or...?"

Laughing softly, Jazz nodded to himself, "Definitely an invitation. That is if you choose me over a strawberry milkshake anyways."

"I'd always choose you, Jasper."

It sounded like a promise, it really did.

So Jazz took it as one and just smiled, continuing the conversation-- noticing that the worry in his chest, the insecurity, felt a bit weaker than it used to be.