c h a p t e r. 30

"And Desire smiles, and forgets, for Desire is a creature of the moment." -Neil Gaiman

chapter 30

"And this," Jazz opened the door, and let Castor walk in. "Is our room,"

They made it to their cabin, and the musician showed his god around. The Cabins that everyone had in their little 'town' on the island weren't that luxurious but they were comfortable for everyone's personal needs and big enough to have people hang out or sleep over, too.

His parent's cabin was the biggest with a giant living room, where all of them got together on Christmas morning to give out presents and show off everything-- and also bicker, embarrass, or pick on each other in that family way that makes everyone laugh.

Their cabin had a lot of green in it, plants too, and a shit ton of odd trinkets and musical instruments that Cas spent a good half hour organizing so his mind didn't flip out. Their room was probably the biggest in the cabin besides the livingroom and the kitchen, and the bed was giant, a California King one that let Jazz sprawl out comfortably.

To the left was a desk with a bunch of notebooks full of songs or music or just little ideas he had, mostly in italian or greek but all the languages he spoke kinda ended up merging together in this weird babble that filled the pages-- which he was sure confused his star when he opened one to look in it.

He sat on the bed, watching Castor discover everything.

He looked at the pictures next to the door leading to his closet (which, when his boyfriend discovered it, he knew another couple of his sweatshirts would be stolen) and then there was the bathroom, which he had a large shower that was very much like a rainfall and could probably fit ten people in it if and a big bathtub too that was more for relaxing than washing.

His room had a lot of blacks and dark greens, the rug next to the end of his bed was probably the only light decoration, it being mint.

He couldn't tell if the celestial liked it or not, despite all the warm green surrounding his head, dizzy and content and bouncy in it's song.

"Star," Jazz pulled him closer by his hips until he was standing between his legs and he could nuzzle his head into his stomach, messing up his probably already wild curls. "Do you like it?"

"Fuck yeah, I look at- -at, at, at- -everything and it reminds me of you." Castor smirks, running his hand down his arms as they tighten around the god's hips. "Why wouldn't I like that?"

Jazz flushes and whines, "I don't know... there's a lot of green?"

"I like green," He shrugs.

"You do?" Jazz honestly thought that he annoyed his boyfriend with how much green he kept around the place-- green walls, furniture, decorations, talking about green, calling him green and so on and so forth. Castor nods, making the musician sigh. "Bueno mierda, I thought you might not like it."

Grabbing onto his face, Castor forces his boyfriend to look into his lightning-strike gray eyes, "Don't curse like that."

"You know how to curse in Spanish?" He blinks in surprise, cheeks flushing in embarrassment at being caught doing something bad. The only reason he swore in Spanish is because he didn't think the celestial knew, otherwise he wouldn't have been that offensive.

Castor shrugs, "Yeah..."

"Does that mean..." Jazz paused. "You knew when I was cursing all the time, and you said nothing?"

"Well," He has the audacity to smirk. "I figured you were doing it in another language for a reason."

The musician's pout deepens, "But you don't know anything else?"

"I've actually been-- bit hot innit--" His british accent is very cute, especially when his flustered tic interrupts him like this. "--practicing with my uncle."

"Why?" Nose wrinkling a bit, Jazz can't help but to tilt his head at the celestial-- who shrugs again at him and squishes the musician's cheeks together, making him give an annoyed pout past where his lips were already puckered and it earns him a rather satisfying kiss.

"Your entire family speaks it," Castor kisses him again, but this time on the side of his mouth. "And you've-- mother ducklings-- had to make them talk in English before, just so I could understand. I'm a lot better at understanding what is said than actually speaking it. But I've learned a lot!" He pauses and then asks, "Was that, is that weird?"

"Weird?" Jazz huffs, mint eyes widening. "That's not weird, you just wanted to learn and be excluded more and be able to understand my family-- which is very considerate of you, not weird, Castor."

The god stares at him for a couple seconds, all sun flowers and disbelief, before saying, "You're odd."

"I'm odd?" He repeats. "Why am I odd?"

"The way you act towards me, even from the day we first met, you never treated me like I was weird which makes you weird."

"That's not how that works, also, why would I treat you like you're weird?" Jazz is so confused. "You're really awesome and all that, but it's not like you run around the streets naked. Now that is weird. Besides, I'm odd for reasons completely different than treating you like an actual human being."

"Mhm." His hum sounds very unconvinced.

"I'm guessing you know what 'fresa' means already, of course."

"Duh," Castor snorted, grinning. "I've known what Cece has been all along."

Fresa: strawberry or a stupid rich white girl.

Which, yeah, was a funny thing to call his twin-- like when his Tio Gus calls Law a gringo-- but also rude.

Jazz's jaw drops for just a moment before he laughs without meaning to, hiding his face against his boyfriend's abdomen again, "That's mean!"

"Who would have guessed that me, the asshole--" He faked gasped. "--was mean?"

"Castor Alpha," Jazz scolds, nudging his nose into Castor's side. "You are not an asshole, at least not to me."

"We've already been through this, Jasper, if I was mean or an asshole to you, something would be wrong."

"Meh."

If Castor was mean to him, it's not like he wouldn't deserve it because if he ever pushes the god that far then he would have a good reason. He can be rather annoying, Jazz knows that.

"Wait, Jasper," The celestial gently pries his face away from his stomach and narrows those lightning-strike eyes at him, thumbs brushing his cheeks. "If I was mean to you, would you tell someone?"

"What kind of mean?" He asks, tilting his head up at him to be able to see all of his face.

"Any kind. If I'm yelling at you a lot, or insulting you, or-- Mother duckling!-- hitting you, would you tell someone?"

Jazz doesn't understand why he thinks this could ever be a possibility, "You wouldn't hit me. Well, not on purpose."

"Jasper," Castor says again, gripping his jaw tighter. "That wasn't what I asked. Would you tell someone if I was hurting you?"

He hesitates, frowning, "How many times would you do it?"

"That doesn't matter," His jaw clenches, and moss overtakes the sunflowers. Jazz shrinks slightly. That was the wrong answer-- what was he supposed to say? Lie, and answer with a yes?

"I don't-- but..." He looks down. "If you were yelling or something, I-I'd deserve it?"

"No you--no you wouldn't," Castor growls, shoulders ticing up. "That's not good communication, even if you did get me-- christmas lights!-- upset. You don't deserve that, ever, and if I ever treat you like that you shouldn't ever think you deserve it."

"B-but everyone has bad, has bad days," Jazz doesn't know why he feels so defensive. "If it happened once that's n-not a big deal."

"It is a big deal," He strongly disagrees, growling a second later. Moss, sea green concern, and sadness wrap around him, the song dreary but strong. "If I hit you-- just once, just one time-- because I lost my cool, that's not okay. I'd never hurt you, fuck-- Sasuke-- I'd never do that but know that that isn't okay, Jasper. It's really not."

"I... don't understand." He admits. "I, I mean, if I'm the only one g-getting hurt why does it matter?"

All his life, from 'friends', from Keres, from people that made him feel small and less than-- he was always told it wasn't a big deal, that it didn't matter if he was hurt or how he got hurt, it didn't matter because it was his fault and no one else's.

He knew that that wasn't necessarily true but he still couldn't wrap his head around the severity of it. Gas lighting will do that to people-- so will abusive relationships and toxic friendships.

But it's not like Castor would ever do those things.

It's not like he'd ever hit him, purposely because accidents do and can happen especially with Tourette's, or bully him with insults. Yeah, yelling might happen but couples argue.

This conversation felt bigger than him; bigger than what he was capable of understanding and he could understand a lot of different things.

"If Fly punched me, even once, even if I-- if, if, if-- was being annoying, or called me a freak, or spaz because of my-- Sasuke-- tics, would it matter?" Castor asks this, as if he understood the dilemma in his mind. "Only if it just happened one time?"

"Yes," Jazz nodded.

Castor's pain-- it mattered.

His... well, not so much. Not enough to tell someone if the god did something like that.

"But I still don't get why I would have to tell someone."

"Because your pain matters--" He growls. "--the exact same way mine does, Jitterbug." His hands drop to Jazz's shoulders after his hands tic out to the side and the musician tenses for a second, then relaxes. "It doesn't matter if you do something to make someone else mad, there's no reason-- christmas lights-- for them to hurt you. Otherwise it's abuse. Or assault. That's why it's illegal."

"I'm sorry," Jazz looked down, resting his hands on the celestial's sides as his head dunked down. "I should've known that."

After what happened with Keres, why didn't he do more things to understand what is okay compared to what isn't? Was he scared? Is that why he never did research, never asked what was so wrong about being hurt-- because he was so scared to find out how bad it actually had been?

Recovery is terrifying, it's like you have to discover who you are all over again, but recovery from abuse is completely different. It's like taking the chunks of yourself that had been leftover from cruel hands and words and thoughts and shuffling through them to pull out anything salvageable.

It's saving yourself, not recreating yourself.

And it... it hurts.

It takes a lot of strength; strength he feels that, some days, just weighs him done until he's nothing at all.

"Hey, it's okay that you didn't." Castor growls, hands clapping three times before his shoulders twitch and settle back down. "Well, not okay-- Sasuke!-- because you've been hurt, because someone else made you believe that. What matters is that you learn that now."

"I w-want to learn," Jazz said, still not looking at the god. "I just... um, I just also d-don't want to know everything he did. All the bad things, I mean. I don't want to know how bad it was, even if I know it was bad."

The celestial didn't reply, but his whole body jerked like he'd been hit and the musician instantly felt bad, pulling him closer and hugging him while still sitting down. He was all moss, the anger crowding out room for everything else, though despondency was apparent in the slow, intense dance of his song.

"It's okay, Star," He rested his head onto his hip. "I didn't mean to make you angry."

"It's-- Sasuke!" He growls, then says 'christmas lights!' "--not your fault."

Jazz cuddles closer, not quite sure what is going on in his star's head, "Castor? I... I know what h-happened to me wasn't okay but you know I'm okay, right? I'm recovering, but I'm okay."

"I know, Jitterbug," Castor sighs out before growling, running his hand through the musician's curls. "I just-- I want you to stay safe and stay okay and it makes me so angry that he hurt you the way he did, angry because he conditioned you to think that you deserved something like-- Sasuke-- being hurt. It makes me want to-- to, to, to-- hurt him back, Jasper, that's how angry I get."

"But that's okay," Jazz says softly. "Not that he did all that, but it's okay that it makes you angry. It makes me angry, too. I'm just scared. You'll never hurt me, that I believe. Even your headbutts are more amusing than anything else. So I can learn, and you can teach me. You're angry but you can't hide that almost-therapist brain of yours." He taps his fingers against his hips.

Castor snorts, "Yeah, okay, you're pretty much the only one that thinks that."

"Viv thinks so too." He oh-so-helpfully adds.

"You gossiping about me to that D'Silvetta?" His boyfriend playfully ruffles his hair, body seeming to calm down a little. "How rude."

"I have to fanboy about you to someone that doesn't make them too annoyed," Jazz shrugs. "She's the perfect candidate, because then she gets to complain about Ahmik as much as her blackened heart desires. If I try to talk to Axel or Dela about it they just end up teasing me."

He's silent for a couple seconds before asking, "You fanboy about me?"

"And there I go," the musician hides his now beet-red face against the god's stomach, "Searching for a hole to die in."

"C'mon, Jitterbug, no dying on me now. Do you know how awkward that would be to explain to your parents?" Castor scoffs. "Fly texted me and said he wanted us all to play volleyball at the beach."

Jazz groans and pulls back, muttering Russian swears now instead of Spanish ones.

"Are you-- bit hot innit-- swearing Fly out?" Castor asks, sounding all too happy about his boyfriend insulting one of his only friends.

"Um..." His ears are starting to burn. "N-no?"

"Liar," The god pulls back and bends down, lightning-strike eyes laughing at him before he pecks Jazz's lips. "Your jealousy is so cute, Jitterbug."

Jazz goes to glare at him, but it's more of a pout than anything else, "I can't help it, you and Fly alw-- uh..."

"What were you going to say?" Castor frowns at him. "What do Fly and I do?"

"It's stupid," He warns.

"Just tell me, please."

"You guys stare at each other a lot, it's like you're waiting for something."

"...we're talking?"

Jazz frowns. Talking?

Green spikes sparking with tinsel, moving through the air and curving with understanding. Different flashes and understanding moving through both of their songs as if they were speaking-- because they were speaking.

In their own way, probably because of how much Castor and Flynn had to rely on each other on and off the fields, they were talking without saying a thing. Just looks was enough for them.

"That's cool," He admits. "Still jealous, but it is cool that you guys can do that. Blaine and Damien can do that, too-- read each other's body language enough to have an entire conversation."

"I guess it's just something that happens when someone around you doesn't talk a lot."

"Fly used to be quiet?" Jazz blinked. "I didn't know that was possible. N-not to be rude! Just, um, observational?"

"Yeah no, that's definitely impossible." Castor scoffs, but his greens were chartreuse and confused. "Jasper, do you think I'm a loud person?"

What's a loud person? Like, Axel 'I'm here, bitches!' loud or like, Viv's intensepertence loud? Or his twin's loud? Very important distinctions.

Jazz blinks before slowly saying, "Yeah? Like uh... like Circe is."

"Jitterbug," Castor cups his face. "You're the only person I really talk to. It's rare for me to- -rare, rare, rare- -do anything but text someone else. Let alone carry on conversations. Why do you think it's hard for me to talk to your family sometimes?"

Welp, that's surprising.

"I thought it was because you're anxious."

"Nah, I just hate everyone and don't like talking." Oh... did that mean Jazz just pressured him to do it? Did he make the star feel bad? "I like talking to you though, flirting with you too. Otherwise I wouldn't do it."

That's fair.

His eyes come up to his lightning-strike ones and a smug smile tilts the corners of his lips, "That means you didn't even talk to Fly and you've known him for years."

"Yeah, since fifth grade."

Wait.

Fifth grade, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, and now the first year of college. That's nine years! Nine years they've known each other.

"Woah, that's nine years!" Jazz gasps, hands tightening on his boyfriend's hips. "I want to know you that long!"

"Dork." Castor squishes his cheeks again, moving to sit on his boyfriend's lap-- a welcome weight. "You're going to know me for even longer than that." This alone makes him smile. "But yeah, it's a long time. I remember when I was taller than him. Didn't last."

"I'm taller than you too," Jazz smiles, eyeing him up and down. "Shortie."

"Giant," He narrows his lightning-strike eyes into a glare-- now much more efficient, as they were almost eye level with the god being a little shorter-- but it only makes the musician's smile go wider. "You really want to go there?"

"Sure," Jazz runs his thumbs over the god's hips. "It'll give me another reason to bite you."

Castor smirks, "Tempting."

Dared by his words and all too attractive smirk, the musician shifts his hips up making the celestial fall onto his lap more, his hand moving up to slightly move his shirt down, then he kisses Castor's neck, his teeth grazing his skin until he bites him-- just enough to sting but not enough to bruise-- before pulling back and licking the area.

"Very tempting," He agrees.

The celestial pulls him closer and breaths out, "You haven't even proven your point yet."

"Hm, I haven't?" Jazz murmurs. "What a shame."

Without saying anything else, he's lowering his mouth back to Castor's skin, biting a little harder this time, moving up to press warm kisses along his neck until he reached his jaw and nibbled on the edge, lips skimming the soft surface until they met the god's in a firm kiss.

Then, because the world probably hates him, three sharp knocks sound out from the cabin's front door and Axel's annoying voice is calling out, "You two better not be sinning in there, we have a game to play!"

The look on Castor's face basically says that's he's willing, planning, and all set to murder the stupid D'Silvetta.

Which, yeah, it was Axel and Jazz had been enjoying himself too but no murdering with witnesses. It was like, the number one rule. Besides no killing people, that should probably just be common sense.

"By the bible's standards, we're already sinning by existing," Jazz calls back. "By yours we aren't, because you have no standards."

"Ouch, cutie, ouch." Axel proceeds to open their door and let himself in, grinning when he sees the way they're sitting and starts to waggle his eyebrows. "Did I interrupt something?"

"Yes," Jazz says. "I was proving a point."

"And that point is...?"

"Left unfinished because of you." Castor deadpanned, glare hardening.

"Tragic," Axel sarcastically replied, before turning to wink at Jazz. "Come on, we're playing volleyball and it's really warm out. No shirts to get tan and because you look better naked, cutie."

"Fuck off," Jazz laughed, shaking his head. "You have no idea what I look like naked, stupid."

"One can imagine," He sighs back with a fake dreamy look, making the musician roll his eyes. "Anyways, your boyfriend looks like he's about to blow a fuse, give him one of your good kisses and fix it."

"Again, you literally have no clue what kissing me would be like or not."

"Again, one can imagine."

Jazz flipped him off, "I'll have him beat your butt again."

Axel thumped his chest but squeaked in fear and quickly ran out the door when Castor stood from his spot and took a step forward-- making the musician laugh again. His boyfriend was territorial and it was both attractive and amusing.

"Jealous god," Jazz calls him, pulling him closer until his back hits his chest and he could dip his head lower and nip at his neck. "I'm yours, always."

"I know," Castor leaned against him more, fists clenched by his side. "But he pisses me off with his comments. Calling you cutie. Just everything."

"Cutie?" Jazz had to bite his lip to stop his amusement from bubbling out. "It's not him calling me cute, he's calling me an orange. I look a lot like my mom, and her name is Clementine and my Tio calls her OJ-- so he calls me Cutie."

"Oh." The god paused, green flaring with chartreuse. "Well to be fair, he does look right at me when saying it, just to piss me off. Idiot probably knows I didn't know what kind of cutie he was talking about."

"Yeah, Axel can be a dumb dumb." He sighs. "He literally does it to everyone, though, trying to make people jealous, I mean. It's one of his more annoying qualities."

"Does he have good ones?" Castor grumbles.

This time, Jazz does laugh, and presses a light kiss to the back of his neck that he felt the celestial shudder towards, making him smile and do it again.

"Hm, you're rose leaves," He informs, pushing himself closer to his boyfriend. "I didn't know I affected you that much." Castor makes a throaty noise but doesn't say anything, the tip of his ears going red and it makes him chuckle. "You're blushing, Star."

"I'll make you blush," The celestial retorts.

"That's only one way to make me go red," Jazz is all too amused with the way surprised but content seafoam that dances in Castor's song at his response.

"Where'd this confidence come from?" Castor asked, turning around in his hold to make lightning-strike gray crash with mint. "You've been... extra flirty, ever since the plane ride."

"I don't know," Jazz grinned at him, dimples and everything as he gave a small smug. "You're my boyfriend, you're very attractive, and I'll have you all to myself for two weeks. I'm just not stopping myself from saying things like this like I normally would."

This made him raise his eyebrows, "Do you secretly have a dirty mind, Jitterbug?"

"Only for you," The musician has no hesitance in this reply. "Oh, I also have a goal for these two weeks."

"Which is?"

Jazz flush darkens and he smiles at his boyfriend, "Have you kiss me stupid in every room, and up against a wall at least once."

"Two weeks? Jitterbug," Castor smirks, giving a green-tainted laugh of his own, covering the room in sunflowers and rose leaves. "I can do all that today."

"Hmm... I don't think that's enough time, Star, for what I want to do."

This makes his boyfriend look a little... confused, but also a little excited for a lack of a better word and it made Jazz smile widely at him and lean in to press a warm kiss against his lips, relinquishing in the feeling of their bodies pressed together.

Yeah, he'd definitely need more time than just today to satisfy the urge to get lost into the feeling of his god.