c h a p t e r. 1

"It's so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and it's over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed."

-Lauren Oliver

I have synesthesia, just like Jazz, but with some different/same ones as well as the ones he has (chromesthesia with auditory-tactile, lexile-gustatory, interception, and spatial-sequence synesthesia). So if you guys have any questions, please don't be afraid to ask!

chapter 1

Sometimes, when Jazz is stressed, he needs to surround himself in a symphony of colors and music; other times he needs to create that sound, he needs to be a part of something, he needs to feel needed.

He understands loneliness and he understands what it feels like to be different.

Music is a way to escape all of that.

It could calm him down, make him feel warm as the sound's vibrations wrap him into their familiar grips and not let go. Blues held him clue and squeezes, baritone and bases were purples and oranges and they tingled.

Greens were safe.

Always. No exception.

Which is why, maybe, despite only knowing Cas for about a day-- having met him last night, cooked for him before both of them unpacked and passed out in their respective rooms-- he couldn't help but to trust the cutie.

His whole existence was just ethereal green; voice, emotions, and the feeling that erupted in Jazz's chest at the sight of his smile.

He was also a really nice guy, from what he could tell. Quiet most of the time, even though his song and colors were loud and intense. It was impossible to be ignored, kind of distracting, but so beautiful.

Beautiful enough to know that Jazz's heart was going to be in trouble for making him feel all these stupid feelings in such a short fucking time. It made him feel... selfish, in an odd way.

He already had so much-- a great family, good friends, and opportunities-- so why did he want more?

Why couldn't he just be content?

But was it really bad to want someone to share his life with?

Jazz grew up seeing his parents in love, grew up with Nyx and Damian dancing around each other, their respective reds not distinguishable between the two of them, he watched Eris and Dela fall in love with their bubblegum and peach girlfriends and he watched as his friends and cousins got their partners.

The Red's, D'Silvetta's, Astoria's, and Riddle's were his family and they were people who fell fast and hard and they were people who found their one early in life.

They were mostly high school sweethearts.

But Jazz, he never really felt that spark before; that connection of just something being right, something clicking.

He has had crushes but he hasn't been in love.

Is it so bad that he wants to know what that feels like?

And yeah, Cas got him thinking about that, but it wasn't just because of the celestial.

He wanted, simply, to know what his music would sound like if he understood love instead of just catching glimpses of the color as it passed through other people's songs.

Jazz isn't sure what his inner song sounded like, but he knew a piece was missing from it-- a piece he didn't know what it was, but wanting it back nonetheless.

Cas' song... it was heartbreakingly beautiful, honestly.

It was mostly that ethereal, indescribable green but had speckles of mint and gold and soft pine with seafoam. It was caring and so full of love and strong but broken; like a guitar who's strings worked fine but believed they couldn't play anyway, believed that if they thrummed too hard the strings would snap.

He never heard anything like it.

It was like a sad song with a happy tune.

Odd, but Jazz fully enjoyed it.

He wanted to play it out on his guitar, he wanted to see what instruments would get close-- close because nothing he would do would get it to sound like that-- to it.

But, he didn't, mostly because he didn't know how Cas would react to the music, if it would trigger a tic or make him accidentally hurt himself; Jazz was a big guy and he could handle a lot but he was also shy.

He didn't know what it would take to upset his roommate but he didn't want to offend him by asking, but he also didn't want to find out by doing something that would hurt him.

There was one word for how he felt: ugh.

When Jazz first woke up, he was confused as to where he was. The mint walls and hundreds of trinkets of books on forest green shelves weren't in his line of view, neither was his pine desk or closet. Instead he saw mahogany wood floors, pale gray walls, and a bunch of boxes in the corner next to a dresser.

Then he remembered the drive to college, the bloodied boy on the floor and his cute growls and the way he looked so peaceful organizing all the trinkets in their now shared living room.

Jazz got up, glaring at the time as he is not a morning person, shrugged on some sweatpants over his boxers, and got ready in the bathroom. Luckily he took a shower the night before so he didn't need one, but unluckily his curls were an absolute mess on his head and took a good twenty minutes to just look presentable.

Well, presentable enough to just be in his apartment-like dorm room, since he didn't have to go anywhere until late afternoon when he and Cas would be getting what they needed from the office and figure out their regular routes so they wouldn't get lost on the first day of college.

Poking his head out of the room, Jazz takes a look around, seeing how everything is in its place but Cas wasn't in there, nor was he in the kitchen.

"Hmph," He opens the door more, closing it behind him so that if Cas saw into it he wouldn't get triggered by the mess, and went towards the kitchen, looking around the dorm to really soak it in, not having had the time yesterday. "I'm all alone."

Still half asleep, he can't help but to squint as his new home.

The couches were pushed to the corner, the white walls contrasting the mint of the fabric and the tall, ebony coffee table placed between them. The bean bag was off to the side, a tiny table next to it with a lamp perfectly centered and the book shelves behind it were organized just so, the trinkets that Jazz brought him had their specific spots. He didn't dare touch them before memorizing where they all were, so that if he accidentally moved them he could put it back the same way.

The floors were an oak hardwood floor but the kitchen had spotted tiles and white granite counters, the fridge a silver and matching the weirdly placed microwave and toaster, the coffee maker off to the side and looked well used.

They had a corner of the building and were on the fourth floor so they had a balcony that let a nice amount of sun into the dorm.

It felt nice, warm, like with a little effort and a lot of love could become home.

It felt like he would have a good amount of inspiration from just living her and not just because Cas was interesting and cute.

Jazz flinches as the door opens, not expecting it when Cas comes through the door wearing basketball shorts and a light tank top. He wasn't too sweaty, but his skin gleamed enough that it was distracting. Unlike yesterday with his oversized clothes, his outfit allowed his lean body to be admired. He had long legs and anyone could tell he often ran but just how nicely shaped they were.

And he was frozen in the doorway, looking at Jazz with pink stained cheeks, winking without meaning to as they made eye contact.

Cute.

"Um, hey," Jazz smiles at him, hoping to make him more comfortable. "Were you on a run or something?"

"Yes," He growls, hand flying up to his hair and squishing down the messy strands, a british accent filling his deep voice, "Bit hot innit?"

Jazz blinks.

That's one of his tics, right? He said that yesterday too.

He quickly looks up to his music, seeing the notes and colors of sunflowers dancing around his darker tones of rose leaves. Flustered and surprised. So... was that his tic for that emotion? Is he misreading it?

"I was gonna make some breakfast or try to find a cafe around here." Jazz explained, a yawn interrupting him and he stretched, covering his mouth before tiredly settling back onto his feet, squinting slightly at Cas. "Want to go with me?"

"You want to get coffee-" He squeaks, flushing deeper. "-with me?"

"Yeah, I mean, unless you don't like coffee. Then we can probably find a place with some good smoothies or something." Then Jazz started to panic because-- what if it was weird that he asked to hang out? What if he doesn't even like smoothies? "Do you like milkshakes? You look like the guy who likes milkshakes."

"Bit hot innit," Cas squeaked out again, shoulders tensing slightly, then his head tilted to the side without warning. "S-sorry, that's a tic. I, uh, sure. Coffee. Let me-" He growls again. "-take a quick shower."

"No need to apologize." he chirps. "And course."

He watched as Cas awkwardly went to his room before shuffling back into his own and got dressed into some dark washed jeans, fitted green t-shirt, and his mint converse that had smiley faces drawn onto the tops just like his mom's and sisters'.

Grabbing his leather jacket, he made sure his wallet and keys were safe inside of the pockets before slipping it on. By the time he went into the living room and plopped onto the couch, Cas was in the shower and his guitar on the stand in the corner calling out to him.

The celestial was in the shower, so he wouldn't hear him play, right?

Biting his lip, Jazz decided to take the risk and grabbed Pistachio off of the stand and put the strap over his head. He found comfort in the familiar weight of the guitar in his arms and instantly started to thrum his fingers against the strings.

Dark gold and turquoise bled out from the music, mixing into the air and dancing with the soft blue of his hum, the lyrics getting lost in the sound.

He could feel the music thrum against his skin, tingling his fingers and pushing against his chest.

His hum grew louder as his eyes closed, getting lost into the green feeling and the gentle mint that twisted around his heart, the pear and lime twisting from his fingers and traveling down.

It felt safe; he was safe here, surrounded by colors and music and green.

Jazz didn't notice the shower turn off or the bathroom turn off, he didn't notice the celestial quietly observing him or the ethereal green overtaking his soft colors as Cas walked closer.

So when a hand was suddenly placed on his shoulder, he panicked slightly, his fingers gripping the neck of the guitar as he jerked, his eyes snapping open and filling with green and gray and wow that shirt really fits him well.

"Sorry!" Cas squeaks, his hands flapping up before gripping the back of his neck, head flinching forward awkwardly. "I didn't-" he growls. "-mean to scare you."

"No, it's not your fault," Jazz silently curses the blush crawling onto his cheeks. "I, um, I got lost into the music. Happens all the time, I didn't mean to get so distracted, I'm sorry. I thought I'd be able to stop playing when I noticed the shower turn off but I didn't and I didn't mean to bother you, if I did."

Cas shrugs, gray eyes searching his frame before snapping back up to meet Jazz's, his cheeks flushing too and those sunflowers coming back full force to interrupt his ethereal green.

"It's fine," He squeaks and winks, deep voice not matching the noises or colors.

Honestly, his voice belongs to like, a seven foot tall lumberjack but he looks like a twink-- a walking irony because he's really quiet but, from what Jazz knows, a nice person.

"Coffee?" Cas questions.

Jazz blinks at him a couple times before smiling when the word registered, "Oh, yeah! Do you want to walk or take my bike?"

"Bike?"

"Motorcycle."

"You ride a motorcycle?" The celestial asked-- not looking surprised even in the slightest, his ethereal green turning a bit pine as his eyebrows raise in an 'of course you do' gesture.

"Yeah..." Jazz rubs the back of his neck and looks away, his cheeks puffing slightly as he stands up to put his guitar away. "My um, my Mama rides ones. So do m-most of my siblings besides Eris. She skateboards."

"You-" Cas gets cut off with a growl, his hands flapping by his sides. "-have a sister named Eris?"

"Yep. Her and Nyx are three years older than me." He explains, then frowns at the cyan curiosity mixing into the sunflowers and his music changes to having brief amusement. "Why?"

Cas shrugs, his head tilting again as he winks five times in a row, "I do too."

"Really?" Jazz grins. "Cool! My parents based all our names off of greek myths but only Dela and I aren't linked to a direct god. Though that's a little weird since all of use have double barreled names. Technically both of my names are related to a myth. I think Adelaide's second one is. Actually yeah, it is." He nods to himself, going over the myths in his head.

Cas just blinks at him, his green shifting again into something calmer and he tilts his head-- this time on purpose-- and stays silent.

"Sorry." Jazz winces. "I know I talk a lot."

He had a lot of friends who were on the quieter side and Dela could talk even more than him so usually when he went off rambling they'd interrupt to get their piece in or just listen.

But for someone who wasn't even a friend yet, that was impolite.

Jazz pouted, wondering if he already messed up.

"It's-- bit hot innit!-- fine."

"Am I, um, doing something wrong that's triggering you?" Jazz asks. "'Cause, well, I noticed that you have some regular tics but that one only at certain times."

"Yes but it doesn't matter." He sighs, an odd olive going with the sound that Jazz hasn't seen before, and he pulled at his shirt. "I have to get used to you."

"That's... that's fair." He said. "But if there's anything I do that bothers you, tell me, yeah? I'll make sure to note and respect the boundary."

Cas just stares at him as if he's never heard those words before, his nose scrunching and he looked absolutely adorable while doing it.

"Coffee?" The celestial said again, his ears even going a little red at this point.

Jazz nodded, deciding not to continue the conversation that was obviously upsetting the guy to some extent and walked towards the door, holding it open for him-- and getting a squeak in return.

Maybe getting coffee would help him get his thoughts in order and not want to melt at how seemingly Cas wasn't even aware how cute he was.

Apparently, there's this website for 'Under Eye Tea Bags' owned by a guy named Cal that travels around the school's campus in a frozen ice cream-cart style, so the duo head out of the apartment and walk to where he's located.

Since it's move in week, there's a lot of students bustling around the place, which in turn creates a lot of noise. There's so much color around him that Jazz can't help but to get a little overwhelmed, and a little blinded, but he just searches for Cas' brilliant viridian song and follows that.

Cas likes odd flavors, which is apparent by his strawberry whip cream flavored coffee, but since Jazz buys himself a frozen coffee with mint, he really can't judge. Not that he'd want to judge regardless.

"I'll pay," He grins at the celestial, not thinking as he hands the celestial the two coffees before pulling out some cash to give Cal-- who gives him a polite nod at the tip.

"Jasper."

He startles slightly at his name-- not used to people calling him anything but Jazz-- and glances back to Cas, whose eyes seemed locked onto the hot cups in his hands.

His green was a sea green of worry and an olive of shame, making him slightly confused as to why, before Jazz remembered that he had tourettes and might end up spilling it on himself and getting a burn.

"I'm sorry," Jazz winces, hoping that the celestial would know he's not trying to be inconsiderate and that he just wasn't used to thinking about things like that.

Cas just nods, and quickly brushes past the musician, the olive taking over the other notes. "Let's get this over with."

"Alright!" Jazz smiled, not happy that he was ashamed for whatever reason but glad that he wasn't upset at him "I've always liked the idea of going to college. There's so many possibilities and new colors."

Cas pauses at that but doesn't ask at his color slip up, which Jazz is thankful for.

He's not quite sure how to explain how he views the world.