Steadfast Sam

“He didn’t hurt me, Sam. Please, just stop.” You can’t take another minute of his doting. The immensity of what you learned today threatens to spill over inside, but you can’t find the words to tell him.

“I’m sorry, I just... tell me what to do. Please.”

“Stop apologizing!” Your bottom lip is quivering uncontrollably. You feel bad enough about kissing Dean, and now you have to try not to vomit all over your shoes.

“Okay, okay.”

You stop and look up at him. You can’t bring yourself to say the words, but you feel them crushing you inside.

He takes a deep breath. “You wanna just... go watch something? Stay inside for a while?”

How can he be so nice? What if he found out you kissed Dean? Here he stands before you, steadfast as ever. You nod. Of course, you want to go watch something with him. In this moment, you want to be with him. You want to hold him and stay close because he’s the one who’s been looking out for you all this time. He’s the one who cared from the start. He’s the one who walked into your coffee shop that afternoon.

As he ushers you toward his room, you hear the door open at the top of the stairs. You know Crowley told Dean without even having to ask, and you can’t face that right now. You’re not ready to face it yourself, yet, let alone get into it with Dean.

Sam finds a light-hearted TV series on Netflix about a young wizard and his Prince. You swallow the hard lump that sneaks into your throat when you realize how much the wizard looks like Jonah.

“You okay?” Sam asks you.

You blink hot tears from the brim of your eyes. “No.”

He waits for you to say more, but you don’t. You can’t. And he doesn’t push. “Come here,” he says, opening his arms. You scoot forward and lean against him. He doesn’t try to kiss you or make any moves; he lets you rest, wrapped in his arms. And while he gently runs his fingers through your hair, you wonder whether you will ever have a closeness like this again, with anyone.

You’re watching the show in silence for a while when the wizard goes to speak with a dragon. “They’re real, you know,” Sam says softly.

You want to smile. It should have stirred those butterflies again... instead, it hurts.

You fall asleep listening to his steady heartbeat against the rise and fall of his warm chest.

And when you wake an hour later, he’s still watching over you, and, just as Billie said, things are starting to come into focus. His embrace is warm and comforting. Your head floods with the things Crowley said to you, and the images that hit you the night before, and Billie’s calming words. Somehow you know that time is ticking and you can’t hide away in the bunker forever. “Sam,” you whisper, trying not to break.

Half an hour later, after you’ve told him everything from the drunken kiss to the curly-haired Reaper at the California diner as he listens intently with unwavering eyes, he pulls you close. He says not a word and doesn’t need to.

You close your eyes for a moment, your heart breaking in two. It’s unclear why; it might be that you’d started to fall for Sam before the whole Dean kiss and now you despise yourself for doing that to him, or it might be that you let yourself fall for Dean who doesn’t really care a lick about you at all. Maybe some part of you knows it’s time to say goodbye because you can’t be with either one. At least not now.