Rogue

Billie refuses to help you find Dean. She won’t even respond to you.

You’re pissed at her, but there’s no time for that right now; you have to find him. Now. Before she does. Before she does something you will never forgive her - or yourself - for.

“Still no answer,” Sam says, tossing the phone into the center console between you.

Nothing is more frustrating than traveling slower than you’ve gotten used to over the last few years, but you need to stick by Sam because he’s the only chance you’ve got to locate Dean. “When’s the last time you talked to him?”

He glances at you, wiping the corners of his mouth before returning his eyes to the road. “I told you; it’s been about eleven months.”

You know. You heard him each of the other three times you asked him that question.

“You can’t tell where he is?” Sam asks as he pulls his mustard yellow car onto an exit.

“You know I can’t,” you spit, immediately regretting that. “I’m sorry.”

He nods. “It’s okay.” He clears his throat as the car comes to a stop before pulling out onto the next road. “Cas should know. Or at least know how to find him. I hope.”

You wish you had gotten to know Castiel better, but you’d been with the boys for such a short time before... “What happened between you guys, Sam?”

His jaw clenches. For a few moments, he glares straight ahead, turning his thoughts over in his mind. Then he takes a deep breath, and says, “You.”

You feel your stomach drop. “What?” That can’t be right. When you left them, they were fine. You were all fine. You thought for sure... you had made your peace with them... you had said your goodbyes...

“He saw you there. With Amara, before she zapped him away.”

Now it’s your turn to stare ahead, your eyes searching the road as if you’d find your voice there.

“He blamed himself. He blamed me.” He exhales through his nose, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. “We thought you were dead, [Y/N].”

“I- I wasn’t,” you stutter, anger seething under the surface because Billie did this on purpose. Billie let them believe you were gone. You trusted her.

He doesn’t have to tell you that Dean didn’t take it well. It burns your eyes to think of how Dean must have reacted; spending his nights getting plastered any way he could, recklessly going after the things that go bump in the night, fighting with his brother - his best friend. Cutting himself off from everyone he loved - at least, those that he had left. Losing himself in random women along the way... Drowning in his anger.

When Sam finally pulls up to the bunker, you’re disheartened - though not surprised - to see the Impala isn’t there. But Castiel is; the Angel stands by the entrance, stoic in his long tan trench coat and loose necktie, waiting for you. “Cas,” Sam greets him solemnly as he gets out of the car. “I don’t know if you remember, but this is-”

“I know who she is,” Cas cuts him off. He nods at you, the look in his eyes telling you that he remembers your last meeting all too well.

Back before you faced Amara, Castiel had come to you. He warned you that you were only going to cause more harm than good. He tried to threaten you; but you turned on him, using your half-archangel status to put him back in his place. Who was he to tell you what to do? He didn’t know what it was like, knowing that the man you loved was in trouble. Needless to say, you didn’t part on good terms. The next time you saw him, Castiel tried to talk you out of facing Amara once again, but you were stubborn. He knew how you felt about Dean, that you would do anything for him, but he also knew you had no chance against the Darkness. You try to block the memory even now, but it was your recklessness that got another Angel killed that day. An Angel that had come to do the same thing as you - but was caught off guard because of you.

“Castiel,” you respond, and the look that hovers between the two of you doesn’t escape Sam’s notice.

“So, what am I missing?” he asks, but neither of you answer.

Castiel only hardens his gaze.

Sam shakes his head. “Fine. Don’t tell me. Let’s get inside before-”

“Before what?” The familiar voice grates on your skin like nails on a chalkboard.

“Crowley,” Castiel glowers.

“In the flesh.” He saunters to your side. “Curiosity is killing me, love. I need to know what you plan to do. How you’re going about it.”

“I already told you what you need to know.” You take a step toward the bunker, but he catches your arm. “Let me go.”

“Did she tell you, yet?” He says to Sam and Cas. “What she’s planning to do?”

Sam says nothing. After a moment, he breaks his glare at the King of Hell to look at you.

“She’s looking for Dean,” Castiel answers grimly.

“You want the honors, or shall I?” Crowley taunts you.

You purse your lips and shake your arm free. Meeting Sam’s eyes, you take a deep breath. “I told him. I can’t be Death anymore.”

Sam swallows hard.

“Is that all?” Crowley prompts, clearly enjoying himself. “Alright, I’ll tell them. It’s not as simple as just giving it up. She’s going to give it up, at least, she’s determined to do so, and pass it on to some poor bloke who won’t know what hit him. She just has to figure out how.”

Castiel says, “Is this true? You would put your own life before another? With something as big as this?”

You gulp back the tears that threaten to spill.

“Then you’re not worth the privilege that is the Angel of Death.” Castiel’s scathing words open the wound you’ve been trying to mask.

You know you aren’t. You’re not strong enough. You couldn’t separate yourself from your human life; you couldn’t separate yourself from your emotions.

“She’s come to you, Moose, to find the way to do it. To put Kellan Byrne in her place. Of course, the man doesn’t know this yet-”

“Like I had a choice?” You spit at the demon. “You think I wanted this? To carry this responsibility I’m clearly not good enough for?”

“You didn’t choose this?” Sam asks you, the anger disappearing from his face as he tries to comprehend what’s going on.

“Oh, no, she did,” Crowley answers. “She could have said ‘no.’ She could have gone back to her old life with no recollection of anything that had happened. But she didn’t. She chose to go with the Reaper. She chose to save your hides, Sam Winchester.”

“Yeah, old news,” Sam says. “We never asked her to do it.”

“I couldn’t let them- ” You clench your mouth shut, taking a moment to compose yourself. “They were going to send you out into the Empty. Both of you. I couldn’t let them. How could I?”

“Inside,” Cas breaks in. “Now.”

You follow his gaze to the sky to see black plumes of smoke arcing toward the bunker.

“Bollocks,” Crowley grumbles.

“Call them off,” Sam bristles with warning.

“Can’t, I’m afraid,” Crowley sighs.

“Why not?!”

“They’re not with me.” And he’s gone.

You stand there, staring up at them; the demons barreling toward you. How many are there? Four, five? One more over the tree line... Let them come, you think. “Get inside, Sam.”

“[Y/N], what are you doing?” Sam’s tugging on your arm.

You shake him off. “Cas, get him inside.”