Chapter 40- Taunting Heartaches

[] A M E L I A []

I trudged to Sociology with a heavy heart.

After telling Leo what I truly felt on Saturday night, a commotion broke us apart. Jamal had come out of his room, cussing violently about something. Leo had sighed and moved away from me, but I still felt his excruciating gaze on me. However, my attention landed on Jamal. I had never heard him swear so loud before, and my eyes widened even further when I saw him glaring at someone behind him. To my surprise, Eric came trudging out of the room, scratching the back of his head in confusion.

"Your snoring sounds like a fucking garbage truck!" Jamal yelled.

And then he shut his door closed, leaving poor Eric still standing there confused. With a huff, Leo announced that he'd drive Eric home. Then, he turned to me and simply pointed to Andre's door, silently telling me to stay in there. After one last look at Gemma and Andre's passed out form on the couch, I obliged and he left soon after. He never came back, leaving me more of a mess than I already was.

I left early the next morning, not in the mood to stay for breakfast. I had told Gemma, Andre and Jamal, that I needed to go home and study, to which they nodded and let me off. I spent the rest of Sunday hiding away in my room.

Monday accounted for the fourth day in a row that I avoided Leo, and still counting. I sighed and walked through the doors of Sociology class, thinking of excuses to get out of having our usual lunch at Coffee Rush. Gemma and Andre were seated in their regular seats, leaving the middle one vacant for me. I made my way to my seat and silently sat down. We all mumbled out our greetings and then buried ourselves in our work.

Andre and Gemma had been surprisingly quiet today, whereas they would usually be having an animated conversation or argument about a topic. It was odd to see them this way, but I assumed it was the stress of finals for now. However, something told me there was more to it than that. They had been acting weird lately, but I couldn't figure out what had happened. Before I could think too much of it, the professor began the lecture.

All throughout the class, I tried my best to stay focused. It worked for the most part, but other times, all I did was think of Leo.

There was no escaping him. Every time I had a moment to myself, all I did was think about him. My lips still tingled from the kiss we shared, and my toes curled in, thinking of his words.

But what would he do when he found out what Jackson was capable of? But more than that, did I want him to find out?

Did I want to put him in danger like that?

The answer was simple: Never.

So I'll stay silent. For as long as I can, I will not cave into to Leo.

* * *

I was caving in.

I pressed the voicemail repeat button once more and pursed my lips as I waited to hear his voice on the other end.

"Don't worry moonie. Whenever you realize that you aren't scared anymore, I'll be here."

A shaky breath escaped my lips as I heard his voicemail for the third time. His voice was husky and strong on the other end, as it always was, but there was more to it now. He sounded determined, unwavering, with a hint of something that shook me to the core.

Leo Kennedy was serious.

Not that he isn't most of the time, but this time, he was not letting me give up easily. He wasn't giving up easily.

And that scared and excited me at the same time.

Before I could continue thinking this through, there was a knock at my door. I got up from my desk and went over to open my door. Gemma stood on the other end, holding her sociology books excitedly. We had decided yesterday in class that we would study today, and since Andre had an evening class, he couldn't make it. I had somehow found a way to skip out on lunch for the past two days too, so seeing her now brightened my mood tremendously.

Gemma came into my room and threw her stuff onto my bed with a sigh.

"Phew!" she said, taking off her coat.

I chuckled at her exaggerated movements, and went back to sitting at my desk. Placing my textbook and notebook in my lap, I swiveled around in my seat so that I could face her as she sat on my bed.

For the next little while, we studied and helped each other out. After a while, Gemma spoke up.

"Amelia..." she trailed off, quietly shutting her book.

I looked up from my textbook and gave her a questioning look.

"Why are you ignoring Leo?" she bluntly asked.

My eyes widened in surprise, and then I sheepishly looked down.

"I haven't been ignoring him. I've just been trying to... avoid him," I awkwardly said.

Gemma gave me a flat look. However, what I said was completely true. I wasn't ignoring him. I was more aware of him than ever, if anything.

I knew that when I arrived at the party, he wanted to come over to me. He wanted to ask me something, but he held back, as if he didn't want to invade in my space. And when I skipped class this morning, he only texted me saying that he would message me all the materials I missed. On top of that, I still couldn't get over Friday mornings' breakfast and how he asked Fatima to bring it in for me.

He was acting like a boyfriend.

And that made me want to curl up in a ball and cry all day.

But I couldn't succumb to him. I just couldn't-

"Amelia," Gemma said, snapping me out of my reverie.

I jerked my head up to her in surprise. She was giving me a quizzical look, as if trying to read into my thoughts.

"You're zoning out," she simply said.

I sighed and brought my hands down my face frustratingly.

"What's wrong Amelia?" she asked.

I didn't respond, unsure of whether or not I should tell her the truth. When I stayed silent for another few minutes, Gemma suddenly moved from her spot. She pulled off from where her back was resting against the wall and she moved to the edge of the bed, closer to where I was sitting.

"Did you end up talking to Leo about what you wanted to on Thursday?" she asked.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Then I shook my head defeatedly.

"What? Why Amelia?" she asked bewildered. "I thought something happened between you two that night and you started ignoring him."

I finally faced her, my eyes already glassy.

"I can't Gemma. I can't do that to him."

Gemma's eyes widened when she took in my tear-filled eyes.

"Do what Amelia?" she gingerly asked. "Be happy with him?"

I let out an exasperated breath and stood up from my chair.

"No, Gemma. I can't put him in danger!" I finally exclaimed.

And then, it was silent.

Gemma looked up at me with wide eyes, unsure of how to respond to my statement. Then, she was standing in front of me, her hands clasping my shoulders tightly.

"What happened Amelia? You've been so on edge ever since Thursday. It's like you recoiled back to how I saw you two months ago and the years before that. What happened that night Amelia? What happened when you went to go see Leo?" she asked, shaking my shoulder a little.

A small whimper escaped me at her question and I pulled out of her hold. I faced her eagerly, my mind not catching up to my mouth. I was heaving with fear, shaking with the thought of him. I turned to Gemma, my eyes wide with anxiety.

"Jackson is here Gemma. Jackson is here."

Her eyes widened considerably further, and her hand flew to her mouth.

Then I explained everything to her.

I told her about what happened on Thursday night, and even explained the events after. I left out the part where Leo kissed me once more, because that's something I couldn't even admit to myself right now, but I told her everything else. Gemma listened through it all with sad eyes. She knew about Jackson's past with me.

She was a witness to his torment on me after Brittany died.

She saw me break with his torture.

After telling her everything, I finally sat down on the bed, my eyes feeling heavy with the amount of tears I used up in the past hour or so.

Finally, Gemma let out a small breath and came to a stop in front of me. She slowly lifted her hand up and placed it on my shoulder.

"Amelia... why do you let him hurt you?" she quietly asked.

'Because I deserve it,' I aimlessly thought.

"Because I understand what he's going through," I responded instead.

Gemma gave me a questioning look and I sighed.

"After Levi... k-killed Brittany, I spent a long time trying to find someone to blame. I felt as if I didn't, I would go insane," I slowly said. "At first, I blamed Levi. I always have. But because I couldn't ever physically reach out to him, couldn't yell at him, couldn't smack him, I felt as if I couldn't satisfy the guilt within me. So I found others to blame. My parents, Levi's friends, just anybody who could have prevented this."

I let out a small breath, preparing myself for the next part.

"After overcoming the fact that nothing good was coming out of blaming others, I went for myself," I said with a breathy sigh. "But that got tiring after a while too. I nearly stopped living Gemma. When my parents saw this, they threw me into therapy."

It was a bitter memory, that one. My dad had found me in my room at night, screaming and crying in my sleep. He tried waking me up, but I only screamed one thing over and over again:

"I couldn't stop it."

For the next week or so, I had been a walking zombie. Truth be told, I still don't remember that time. I don't know what I did or said. All I remember, is my dad driving me to an office a week later and leading me to his psychiatrist friend's office. He didn't leave as he walked me there, and even waited until my appointment was over. She was a nice lady, and she taught me how to live with my past. If my dad hadn't dragged me there, I don't know what would've been left of me now.

I let out a breath and turned to Gemma for the last bit.

"That's when I was back to square one: blaming Levi, and Levi only. Somehow, I was able to overcome this. But Jackson wasn't. After all these years, Jackson still thinks he can blame others for what Levi did."

Gemma let out a sigh and came to sit beside me. After a moment of silence, she spoke.

"That's not fair Amelia," she muttered.

I sighed and nodded.

"I know. But what Levi did wasn't either."

Then we lapsed into silence again.

"Amelia, I know I don't understand this as much as I want to, because I haven't been through it like you have. But Amelia, all I know is that avoiding Leo won't solve anything. If anything, it's making both of you feel worse," Gemma said, squeezing my shoulder again.

I looked up to her with wide eyes.

"Amelia, don't miss out on the happiness he wants to give you. Because that is something you both deserve."

* * *

"No, how about tomorrow, hmm?" I pleaded, trying to get my hand out of Gemma's grasp.

She only tugged me back and started pulling me in the direction of Coffee Rush again.

"No Amelia. You will have lunch with us today," Gemma stubbornly said.

I shook my head, ready to protest. But before I could get out of her hold, Gemma already dragged me through the doors of the café. I grumbled under my breath and followed behind her dejectedly. I braced myself as we made it to our table, not wanting to see Leo yet.

However, as we made it to the table, I saw that only two bodies were present. Jamal and Andre were sitting in their spots as usual, and I was surprised, but relieved to see Leo's chair empty.

When we got closer, we saw that Jamal and Andre seemed to be talking in a hushed whisper. Gemma and I shared a confused look, and finally took our seats opposite to them, getting their attention.

"Hey little one! Haven't seen you in a while," Andre said.

He nodded to Gemma as a greeting.

"Where've you been?" Jamal asked curiously.

I shrugged.

"Studying," I simply answered.

We lapsed into a peaceful silence. However, I didn't fail to notice that Andre and Jamal kept shooting each other worried glances. Andre was at the point of shaking slightly, his eyes wide. Gemma noticed too and spoke.

"What's wrong, guys?" Gemma asked, cutting into their moment.

They turned to us abruptly, Jamal even hitting his knee against the table in the process. They shared another look, causing me to frown in worry.

"Well..." Andre started, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"What is it?" Gemma asked again.

He looked up to her, his eyes flashing with a look I couldn't decipher.

"Well, neither of us could get in touch with Leo today. He wasn't in class and I forgot the extra keys at his place when I went last. He didn't open the door though so we assumed he wasn't home," Andre explained, his eyes flickering between Gemma and I.

I let out a nervous breath after hearing this, unsure of what to think of it. It was only yesterday morning that Leo left me a voicemail. Not only that, he had texted me later in the evening, asking if I had eaten or not already. I had responded then, but after that, I got no reply.

Suddenly, my mind was filling up with aimless thoughts. Why had he disappeared? Was it because of me? Did I finally succeed in pushing him away?

The final thought left a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Before I could think too much of it, Jamal's concerned voice brought me out of my reverie.

"He's never done anything like this before. Somehow, I know it's not just him ignoring us. I have a bad feeling about this, but I just don't know what it is," Jamal finally said, leaving us to our own thoughts.

Just as he finished speaking, Andre's phone rang. He pulled it out eagerly, and once he saw the name on the screen, his face contorted in confusion. He picked it up, greeting the person on the other end.

"Hey Laura," he said.

My back straightened up and I faced Andre with concern. Laura said something on the other end, making Andre's shoulders slump in defeat.

"No he isn't with us," he said, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "I haven't heard from him since yesterday."

This time when she spoke, I heard bits of what Laura was saying.

"Find him Andre... just received some awful news... how he's taking it."

My brows furrowed in confusion.

"What news?" Andre asked.

And when she said the next words, Andre's whole demeanor changed. He stiffened to an extent I didn't know he was capable of, his eyes turning stormy.

He quickly ended the call with Laura and leaned forward onto the table, his head in his hands.

I stared at him open-mouthed, my worry increasing by every passing second. Jamal was quick to turn to Andre, questioning him immediately.

"What happened, man?" he asked.

Andre was silent for a few moments before he finally turned to Jamal. They shared a look, and before I could read into it, the two turned to us.

"Andre, is everything okay?" I asked gingerly. "Is Leo okay?"

They turned to each other again. This time, Jamal turned to me with a worried look.

"Amelia, I think Leo... he... he needs you right now."

Then Andre turned to me, saying the words which I never thought I'd hear. And before I knew it, I was on my feet, and running towards the only place where Leo could be.