chapter twenty seven

condoms, fanny packs and a horror movie.

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Video: that really scary creepy song that I really happen to love. You've got to listen to it.

This was written on my phone so sorry if there are obvious and ugly errors :(

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Clark is an idiot.

He's one of my closest friends and all, but boy is he a complete nugget. I'd like to say that I've never met somebody with the same kind of idiotic behaviour as him, but I later found out that Nate is just as bad - if not worse.

Nate and Emily had joined us after Clark called them up and told them about his little plan. It was like our whole group was going on a pranking raid to my poor brother. I guess I started it, but it's not like we are going to permanently scar him.

Well, at least that's not the plan.

"Have you ever heard of condom cannons?" Clark asks from the backseat of Tyler's car. He's sitting right in the middle with a fanny pack (at least that's what he called them) full of condõms. I always knew he was insane, but he looks like a complete idiot. He may as well make a necklace out of them.

I shake my head, Tyler scoffs loudly. "Seriously Clark? You do realise that he doesn't even have a car."

Clark's face drops. "F*ck."

"What is it?" I turn around to Clark. He said he always sits in the middle of the backseat so he feels like he's in the front seat. Truth is, he's just an overgrown child with a condõm fetish.

"It's when you stick a condõm on the muffler of someone's car," he plucks a condõm out of his fanny pack, "and when they start their car it makes a huge bang. It sounds like the car shïts itself, or blows a motor."

Oh. Well that's more of a nasty prank than a funny one anyway. Clark starts blowing up the condõm, tying the end of it up and drawing a face on it that he magically pulled out of his lady pack.

The drive back to my house was short and full of Clark shoving his balloon in my face. I was this close to popping it then shoving it up his nostrils.

Nate and Emily were waiting outside my house, sitting in the love swing kissing like crazy. I gagged, my best friends are so gross.

"I could be doing that to you," Tyler sighs in exasperation, "but you're anti romance."

"That isn't romance," I crinkle my nose, "that's põrn."

Tyler snorts out a laugh, "Touché."

I was just about to break up Emily and Nate's PDA show, but the front door slammed open with a furious looking Austin standing behind it. "What are you guys doing here?" He cocks his head to the side. He notices Emily and Nate together and grimaces, pulling Nate's hair to get him away from his girlfriend. "Jesus, and I thought Nova was horny."

I gasp. Austin has no filter. None. Nada. Zilch. "I'm not horny!" I burst out, "Says the one trying to hide the Playboy magazines under his bed."

"Oooh, burn," Nate hollers, pushing a stunned Austin.

"They were under my bed so you wouldn't find them," he squeaks. "Stop going through my room. You-you stalker!"

I snort out a laugh. Austin is so naive. "I like to know what my little brother has been up to," I shrug innocently. Tyler cracks up beside me, leaning against me and holding his stomach to stop the snorts.

'The snorts'. It sounds like some kind of genital disease. Like the claps.

Tyler sobers up from laughing, "You do realise our cover is blown. He knows we are here so he's going to think there's something fishy going on."

"Pfft, no," I wave my hand around. "He's as unobservant as a little kid." Seriously. You could fart right in front of him and say something about it and he would ask what the smell is thirty seconds later.

Not that that's happened though.

Never.

Nope.

"Clark what the fück are you wearing?" Austin stares at Clark with a horrified look on his face. We grew up with Clark, but some of the things he does still baffle us. "Is that ... is that a fanny pack?"

Clark squeals loudly, "Yeah, girlfriend. It's Chanel."

Emily face palms, Nate is too busy cracking up and Tyler is staring at Clark like he magically grew a penis on his forehead. I reckon that would be so cool. They would be the literal definition of a dickhead then.

"One day, you're going to be bashed for being such an idiot," Austin days after a moment of silence, "And I hope that you will remember that I warned you as well."

He has a point. I'm pretty sure Clark is one strike away from being jelly in my cats food. Organically made.

"So what's happening now?" Nate asks, making Austin even more confused. I face palm mentally. He wasn't supposed to say that. I swear to god his head is as hollow as a 600 year old tree.

"I heard about a party," Austin shrugs.

"Who said you were part of our group?" I fake gag, "You're not fetch enough to be with us."

Austin grumbles something under his breath, retreating back inside after he finished his miniature tantrum and slammed the door closed.

"I can definitely tell who he got his temper from," Tyler whispers in my hear.

That asshole.

I turn around on my heel, now facing him. I grab onto his colour and pull his head toward me. He probably thinks I'm going to kiss him or something.

Oh hell no.

I raise my lips to his ear, "Strike three." Just for shits and giggles, I bite his ear playfully. Hard enough to alert him, but not hard enough to hurt him.

Speaking of hard.

"Really Tyler?" I grimace, "Really?"

"I can't help it," he shrugs, "What you did was hot. Rough. I like it."

"You need a bible," I push myself off him, walking opening the door which Austin had slammed shut. "My god. Teenagers."

Tyler snorts loudly, pushing on my butt to make me walk faster. Nate and Emily follow while Clark mumbles on about how he's the odd one out, not being in a relationship and all.

"There's always Austin," I pay his back in a loving motherly gesture. "I'm sure he'd wear you fanny pack any day."

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"Let's watch a horror movie!"

Some stupid friend of mine suggested.

"Sure."

Another stupid friend agreed.

"I'm going to fücking die."

My only sane friend resented.

Of course it would be Clark who would suggest the horror movie. And typically, Tyler would agree just so that I would die of embarrassment from shitting myself after watching a horror movie.

But it was clear that Austin is the only sane person in the room alongside myself.

"So what's in the fanny pack?" Austin asks after Clark puts 'Insidious' in our DVD player. Austin is sitting on a recliner by himself while Clark is on the floor stretched out like a cat on a fur rug.

"Condõms," he says briskly.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

My friend is a nugget. A big fat stupid nugget.

"What for?"

Clark freaks for a second. "Turtles!"

"What the?"

"I SAID TURTLES NOW UH PISS OFF IN THE GARDEN."

Clark sucks at lying.

I bang my head repeatedly on Tyler's shoulder. "I can't believe you dated him," Tyler covers his hands with his mouth to stop laughing. "He's pretty much the Queen of All Idiots."

"Yeah, but at least I didn't date Miss Obsessive," I refer to Allie the girl with attachment issues.

"Tou-fücking-che," he leans back on the love seat.

I bring both of my knees to my chest, my heartbeat erratic as the opening scene to 'Insidious' showed on our television.

"Ah fück ah fück ah fück ah fück," Austin breathes like a woman in labour. Except he doesn't have a huge head coming out of his vagina. In fact, he doesn't even have a bagina.

At least I don't think so.

"Push Austin push!" I laugh, trying to distract myself from the movie. It's the scene where she goes out to put the rubbish in the bins, and the creepy song starts playing and that figure starts dancing to it. "That song is demented," I shove my head in the crook of Tyler's neck.

Tyler doesn't reply, too busy watching the movie. He resembles the emoji with the heart eyes at the moment - that's how much he loves horror movies. (😍😍😍)

Truthfully; he looks hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. The best part? I'm dating him. One of the boys Nova got a boyfriend in the form of one of the hottest guys in my school. I'm not just a 'tomboy' anymore, and I sure as hell know why no guy went after me.

Tyler. Tyler was behind everything. He was this possessive little kid who wanted me, so he let nobody else have me. Except, I was a lot harder than he expected and it took a lot longer than he thought.

The harder the chase, the more you want someone. I'm proud in saying that I'm not easy, cheap or a 'good time' if you know what I mean. I didn't fall into jelly like all the other girls (other than Emily) when around him.

It felt weird at Homecoming last week having a date. But good. It was a weird good. The kind that makes you grateful that you got the chance to experience something as awesome as going to a tacky and stupid school dance with the guy of your dreams.

Austin screamed, snapping me out of my thoughts. I flinch at the pitch of his voice - higher than a girl before even remotely hitting puberty.

I realised that Clark had decided to start the 'prank'.

"Dude," Austin groans, "What is wrong with you? I nearly shat myself?"

Clark shrugs, not taking his eyes off the movie. "I'm going to go take a piss."

Ah, phase two.

Phase one: scare the shit out of Austin.

Phase two: go up to his room and wrap and tie condoms around his lightbulb and fan like a chandelier.

Phase three: set up a recorded loop of the creepy song from the movie that would go off in approximately half an hour so that when he goes back to his room he literally shits himself.

Well, at least that's the plan.

It'll be another rerun of him shitting in our grandmothers garden. Like an ornament. He was pretty proud. After all, five years old and adding another 'gnome' to your nonnas garden is the next best thing since toilets.

The movie finishes, with Clark coming back to the living room ten minutes before he finished it.

"I had to take a big dump."

"Thanks for telling us," I roll my eyes. I know he didn't, but I have to go with it. "I really wanted to know about that."

"I can tell you about my shitting regime of you like?" He smiles cheekily.

"I'm sure Austin would love to know." I smile sarcastically, "After all, he is crazy in love with you."

"I never knew, you should have told me sooner baby." He starts to hum 'Drunk in Love' by Beyoncé. Failing. He sounds horrible. Not judging.

"Well thank you for scarring me for life everyone," Austin retorts while he gets up from the recliner, "but I have some last minute things to make before the game tomorrow."

The game. Right. I completely forgot about the first football game of the season. I'm not all too interested in football, and would prefer to watch paint dry, but watching Tyler run around won't be too bad. He's giving me his jersey tomorrow, so I'm not complaining.

"You get a stain on it and I will murder you," he said as he handed over his jersey at the start of the week. The blue, gold and white jersey with the numbers '06' on it and his name printed on the back, was way too big for me, but he said it looked hot.

Tyler says I look hot in all his clothes. Surprise surprise.

"What's for dinner?" Whines Clark.

"Tacos?" I yell. I want tacos. I haven't had tacos since forever. Actually, it was last week but my doctor said I need a taco a day to keep the insanity away.

"No." Emily shakes her head frantically. "Chinese."

"Fück no," Tyler scrunches his nose up, "I don't like curries."

"Sweetie," I try to hold back the laugh, "That's Indian. Indians eat curry. Chinese eat fried rice."

"And cats," Nate whispers dramatically. Emily whacks the back of his head while shaking her head.

"Oh," he smiles sheepishly.

"I'm ordering pizza since none of you can make your mind up."

I love pizza, but I have it so much. I'm practically turning into a cheese pizza the way I'm going.

"Cheese please," I yell out to Clark as he whips his phone out and starts calling Pizza Hut.

Everyone starts yelling their orders to Clark, who is trying to tell the worker at Pizza Hut that he said cheese not chorizo. Clark would be the best phone consultant judging by the screaming and fucks flying out of his mouth.

"They're delivering in 15," he huffs. "Some people are so deaf."

Yes cause that's the problem.

I hear a scream. A loud, high pitched scream that could come from no other than my few-bolts-loose brother.

"Ah, I was waiting for that."

Maybe Clark isn't such an idiot at pranking after all.

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Sorry for the long wait! My computer pooped again so I wrote this on my phone, so sorry if there is really stupid and obvious errors!

I hope you liked this chapter!

Goals until next chapter:

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Isn't Clark just a hilarious nugget?

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