26. VOID

Timothy was still in bed the next morning even though we had to get to school.

"Come on. We gotta get to school. You have.." I looked at my watch. "Ten minutes."

"I can't." He replied from under the covers.

"Just ditch your cement hair for a day. Put on some clothes and we'll go."

"I'm not going today." T insisted.

I sighed. "Why not?" I sat on the edge of his bed. I pulled the cover down so I could see his face.

No bloodshot eyes, no puffy cheeks. Just eye bags and pale white skin.

"Are you sick?" I put my hand on his forehead. He felt normal. He didn't say anything.

"I know you're upset. But staying in bed won't fix anything. And while we're at it, you really hurt your dad yesterday, he doesn't deserve that."

"What do you know about it? You barely know him." He snapped.

"Do you mind not being such an asshole?"

"Get out of my room." T sunk down under the covers again.

"What's so bad about your dad dating again? Do you want him to be miserable?"

Timothy said nothing. I sighed and walked out the room.

When I told Joe Timothy wouldn't get out of bed he didn't seem surprised. He went into T's room and I shortly after heard yelling.

✪

School was boring without him but at least Allie was there. I spent lunch break with her and during classes I hung with my 'friends' who were really starting to bring me down.

I called Joe during my break. I was worried.

"Hey kid."

"How's T?"

"He had lunch at least."

"No breakfast?"

Joe was quiet for a moment. "N-no.. Josh?"

"Yes?"

Joe sighed. "Things might get difficult at home these next few weeks. I wanted you to have a stable environment. That's why I brought you to ours in the first place.. so if you'd rather stay with a friend.."

"Is that what you want?"

"No! I love having you over! And I know Tim does too. I'm just telling you that it's up to you."

"I wanna stay with you guys." I said determined. No matter how bad things got, they could never make me feel as bad as I felt at home.

"Alright." Joe sounded relieved. "I'm starting dinner soon. Any wishes?"

"Nah. Whatever's fine."

✪

I hung out with the guys for a moment after school. I gave them a lame ass excuse and went home earlier than I usually would. I wondered if T was doing better.

When I put the key in the lock I already smelled Joe's food.

I came inside and found Joe in the kitchen and T on the couch. The TV was on but he wasn't watching it.

"Hey." I said.

"Hi." He mumbled.

He wasn't in his usual outrageous getup either. Just a big black zip up hoodie and some black sweatpants.

"Hey Josh." Joe stuck his head in the room.

"Yo." I greeted him. I sat down next to T. "What are you watching?"

Timothy shrugged. "Nothing really."

"Wanna watch a movie?"

Timothy shrugged again. "Sure."

"Boys, dinner." Joe called.

"Can we eat here? We were about to watch something." I asked.

"Oh." Joe peered at us for a moment. "Alright. Why not?"

T told me I could choose. I went for an action movie. He didn't really say much throughout most of it. He didn't touch his food either.

When I lay in bed that night I felt nervous. Obviously he was going through a breakup and dealing with the news about his dad's new girlfriend which were both really difficult for him. I just hoped it wouldn't get worse. You know, I might joke about it all the time but I really don't want him to feel bad.. or to hurt himself.

I'd hoped it'd at least get a little better but throughout the weeks things just seemed to get worse. Timothy barely left his room and when he did it was just because his father had made him. Or for a therapy session. He had no energy and just lay in bed all day. Joe tried but Timothy would only eat half a meal a day now. The only time he came alive was at the end of the week when Charlie called. Then he went from being tired and frozen to happy.. then sad, then nothing.

Joe had to tell him to take showers, sometimes he even had to help him. He was like a zombie. Living dead. A lifeless doll. It hurt having to see it all but at least I had school and my friends to distract me a little. Timothy wasn't going to school anymore. Allie and some other friends had come over a few times but he'd sent them away.

I came into T's room on a Sunday morning.

"Yo." I said to the vague human shape under the covers of the bed.

I pulled down the sheets and T's blue eyes peered up at me. The roots of his hair weren't their usual platinum blonde as his natural golden blonde had started growing in again. Perhaps he didn't have enough energy to dye it.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"..Hi." T's blue eyes shifted.

I couldn't control myself and caressed his cheek which made him frown. I fluffed up his hair and it fell into his eyes. T pulled away.

"What are you doing?" He asked quietly.

"Just checking if you're alive. You okay?"

Timothy sighed and stared at the sheets.

"Are you even taking your meds?"

"Yeah. Do you think I'd be here if I wasn't?"

These days every time Timothy spoke he somehow managed to say something to upset me. I tried not to let it show.

"Sorry. I didn't mean that." He sighed.

"Do they work? What was it like when you weren't taking them?"

T blinked a few times. He then sighed as if talking cost all the energy in the world. "I wasn't really.. Back then I felt everything very strongly. So when I started thinking about death it was really hard to separate my thoughts from my actions, I guess. Now it's like everything I feel is dulled. I don't really have those terrible attacks where I felt suicidal anymore. Now I just feel void and tired."

I wanted to but I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Void? Attacks? It all made no sense to me. I knew things were hard but I couldn't understand wanting to end your own life over anything.

"You're not getting better just lying there." I said.

"Josh, I'm not getting better anyway. You know, I used to think it was over. Because of the pills and the doctors and because I had Charlie. Now I realize they were all just band-aids. They made it seem like things were better but remove them and you get the same thing. I don't want to take those pills anymore-"

"Timothy, you have to. You just told me you wouldn't be alive-"

"This isn't much better than being dead."

I felt my eyes tear up and I suddenly felt so angry.

"Don't say that!" I screamed.

It was like he didn't hear me. His eyes remained the same. Endless blue oceans. Still. Motionless. Void.

"You matter to people! You can't just be so fucking selfish!"

Nothing. It was like I was talking to a doll.

I got up. "Did you hear me?!"

Timothy just closed his eyes.

"Fine! I don't care anyway!"

I ran out and slammed the door behind me. I ran down the stairs and kicked a chair in the living room.

Joe came in from the backyard. "Hey, hey, what's going on?!" He reached for me but I pushed him away.

"What do you think?!" I screamed, shoving another chair.

"Just calm down for a second-"

"He said he wants to.." I shook my head. I couldn't say that to Joe. How could Timothy even say that stuff out loud?

"Timothy?" Joe asked.

I nodded. I felt bad even telling him but I couldn't help it.

Joe took a breath and stepped forward. He placed a hand on my back. "You really care for him, huh?"

I felt a tear run down my cheek. "I just want him to be okay again." My voice cracked. I turned away and wiped my tear. Now I was crying like a little girl. "Fuck!"

"It's okay." Joe grabbed my shoulders. "You don't have to hide your feelings from me,"

"No, I don-"

"It doesn't make you less of a man." Joe looked into my eyes. "Do you know how much I've cried in my life? You still think I'm the man right?" Joe smirked.

I'd never heard those words before. Crying always seemed like the weak thing to do. My dad only cried when he was pathetic and drunk and all my friends, every TV show, everyone I'd ever met  always said crying was weak or for girls. The only time to cry was at a funeral.

A funeral.. I imagined Timothy being buried. Watching Joe's nightmare come true and suddenly the tears flowed down my eyes like never before. Joe pulled me in.

A/N

oh nouu my kids ;-;

Things will get better u.u

Here are some void songs. Um idk. Enjoy?:

VOID - Melanie Martinez

The Void - Andy Black

The next two chapters are two of my faves :3

Thanks for reading, voting and commenting! It always makes me smile <3