39. HEART

I forgot to shut him out.

I let him in.

And I kissed him.

I heard a surprised yelp but I didn't stop. I just couldn't hold back anymore.

I grabbed Timothy's face with both my hands and nibbled on his lip. I caressed Timothy's hot cheek as I began to lick his lips. Timothy gasped when my tongue caressed his. He took a step back. I took a step forward so one leg was between both of his.

His hands were on my chest. Maybe they were pressing, I couldn't tell.

It was like I couldn't think anymore. My mind was turned off and only my heart was left, operating me.

A pleasured moan escaped my lips. I tangled one hand in his hair as we kissed.

His lips were heavenly soft as I remembered from both drunken times and I enjoyed every sober second.

Then my mind came back to me and I pulled away. I held my hands against the wall and observed Timothy.

His eyes were big in surprise. His skin was flushed, his lips cherry red. He was panting as was I. Timothy's eyes flickered in the yellow light and his pupils trembled.

I was confused. Did I actually just do that? Why did I do that?!

We both flinched when we heard the loud air horn from before. Shortly after, we heard Hammock's megaphone calling us from the distance.

I pulled away and headed for the door. T followed behind me.

I bent down. "Come."

T climbed on my back without a word.

We silently walked back up the hill with T holding the flashlight again. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Obviously he was shocked but beyond that!

"Keep your mouth shut, okay?" I said.

When T didn't reply I nudged him. "Okay?"

"Huh? Yeah. Okay." He agreed passively.

When we came close to the circle of people I let Timothy walk again.

Needless to say, we didn't win the scavenger hunt. The girls of our team were the only ones who'd actually found the damn item.

Some other team won. They weren't granted immunity, though. They just got a stupid trophy and a bag of skittles.

✪

The night'd been quiet and awkward and the morning was spent packing during which neither of us had much to say either. Every time I looked at Timothy he'd look away.

"Are you going to say something?" I said finally.

T looked up at me with those big eyes. "Well.. I don't know what to say.. Was that a dare or something?"

I grinded my teeth. "No, you fucking faggot, I like you!" I screamed.

Shit. That was loud.

I stuck my head out the tent. Thankfully no one had heard.

Timothy was looking down at his suitcase when I looked back at him.

"I didn't mean to say it like that but, you-"

Someone banged on your tent.

"Yo, T, wanna go look around the site one last time before we go?" It was Blade. I got even angrier.

I ripped the tent open.

"Get the fuck out of here!" I screamed.

"What is your problem, man?" Blade laughed.

I was this close to shoving his face in the dirt when Hammock called everyone over.

"The bus is here! It's time to leave this beautiful place behind!"

Blade shrugged and walked off. T strugglingly rolled out his suitcase and I did the same with mine. We went to the bus and didn't speak again.

The entire bus ride I sat with my idiot friends while constantly staring at Timothy.

I felt like I'd fucked everything up now. I knew he'd keep his mouth shut cause he wasn't suicidal anymore but just between us two.. Our relationship. I'd fucked it up big time.

T turned his head once during the entire trip and glanced at me. When our eyes locked he turned away. He sat next to Allie but Allie had her headphones in and was turned towards the window. Guess she was still sad cause I turned her down.

No matter how much we had tried to deny it people still believed Allie and I were dating. My friends spent most of the trip teasing me about it. I couldn't wait to be alone.

✪

After a warm welcome hug we were in the car with Joe. T at the front and me in the back.

"How was it, boys?!" Joe asked excitedly.

Neither of us were really jumping to answer.

"Well?!"

"Uh, yeah. It was fun. We.. did a few games on the first day because it was raining.." T continued to tell his dad everything about our trip, excluding the two times we'd swapped saliva.

School Camp? More like Gay Camp.

I banged my head against the car seat.

We had fish for dinner after which I disappeared to my room. I was never going to come out.

✪

The next morning I woke at ten. I ran downstairs after brushing cause I was hungry as hell. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Timothy.

He was grabbing something from the fridge. His hair was messy and he was dressed mostly in white. I grinned.

"Snowflake."

T looked up surprised. Then he smiled a little. His eyes looked conflicted.

"Where's Joe?" I asked as I came into the kitchen.

"I don't know. Said he'd be back before noon." T shrugged.

He was probably getting laid.

I nodded and grabbed the milk and cereal. "Did you take your pill?"

"Yeah."

I poured the milk over my cornflakes.

"Josh," T tapped my elbow. I looked up.

"Are we gonna talk about.. You know." T shrugged.

I guess he had the right to know. And I had already stupidly admitted that I liked him so there was no point in acting coy now.

"I got mad when you kept bringing Allie up because it felt like that meant you had no feelings for me and it felt like you were rubbing it in or something."

"But.. Josh, you said you were straight." He looked so confused.

"I am! I'm straight but.. You don't count." I shrugged.

"I don't understand."

"Dammit, Timmy, are you dumb? I like everything about you, okay? And I am straight but.. maybe I'm just not as straight as I thought." I frowned as I thought about how T felt not even a little of what I felt for him.

"Since when?"

"Since we met."

T looked seriously surprised. Was it that hard to fathom?

Then he frowned confused again.

My heart skipped a beat. Admitting all this out loud was scary. It was confronting.

"You don't have to spare my feelings, just spit it out." I said.

"What?" T asked softly.

"That you don't like me. Don't tiptoe around it, just do it, please!"

T looked at his hands. He was wearing a ring today. He turned it around his finger.

"I never said I didn't like you." He almost whispered this and he couldn't look at me as he said it.

My hope was awakened even if it was small. I stepped in front of him, caging him between me and the counter.

"So you do like me?" I asked.

"I.. Josh, I don't know.." He spoke softly. His words floated in the air like smoke. The sound of his voice made my skin tingle.

I didn't care if he wasn't sure. I had a chance now. Knowing that my chance wasn't completely zero gave me hope.

I leaned in. I lifted Timothy's chin. His eyes trembled.

He leaned in too. Our noses touched..

I caressed Timothy's chin with my thumb and his lips parted ever so slightly..

Then we heard the front door.

I immediately turned away and stepped aside.

"Tim! Josh! I got some food!" Joe exclaimed.

I held my hand against my pounding heart and took a few deep breaths.

"Oh! You're both up!" Joe declared jovially. He held up two bags of food.

"Great!" T smiled. He nervously ran his hands through his hair and helped his dad with the bags.

Breakfast burritos. Yum.

As T set the table I couldn't help but stare at him the whole time. Everything he did was fascinating to me on now. Especially since we'd been so close to actually..!

I noticed how often Timothy licked his lips. And how he occasionally bit his nail. How he looked up from under his hair a lot.

I noticed that when he chewed, his jaw tightened and how beautiful that was.

And then he noticed me.

"Josh?" He smiled. Was that a loving smile?

I gulped and nodded. "Yes." I agreed to whatever he'd just asked me.

He made a confused little face and shook his head. Joe laughed.

"Have you been listening at all?" Joe asked.

"No. I'm sorry." I said truthfully.

"It's okay." Joe laughed.

Timothy looked off to the side and smiled to himself.