49. COWARD

I was acting weird. It was painfully obvious now. I had the advantage that most of my 'friends' were airheads but Dave watched me like a hawk. He always has. We were brothers and we always looked out of each other. He knew something had changed in me.

"It's about me an Jen, ain't it?" Dave said when we were hanging with just us two.

We were outside during a free period. Everyone else was inside cause it was too cold.

"No?" I snapped.

"Come on, man. This started when I started going out with her. Don't fucking deny it. We both liked her."

"Yeah, liked. Past tense. I could give a fuck less now."

"Then why are you acting so distant? You don't tell me anything anymore."

"There's nothing to tell."

"What's it like living with dick downer then?" Dave sighed.

"Fine." I said curtly.

"How's your dad?"

"Great."

"Girls?"

I shrugged. "'Course."

Dave shook his head. "You're mad at me. Just tell me why, man. Stop bullshitting."

"Well, maybe it'd be nice if you weren't such an asshole to people."

"What do you mean?"

"Like stop pushing people around like they don't matter." I said.

Dave frowned. He looked entirely confused as if I was asking something impossible.

"We used to do that shit together man!" He said.

"Well, I grew up. You should try it." I snapped.

Dave frowned and clenched his jaw.

"Sorry." I said.

Dave shook his head. "This is about him, isn't it?"

My heart began to pound with fear. "What?"

"You care about that emo bitch, don't you? That's why you're asking me to stop."

"That's bullshit!"

"Is it?! Ever since you started living with him you've changed. Now it makes sense. You've gone soft. What? Are you guys sharing clothes and telling each other secrets? Is he your new best friend now? Or are you gay for him?" Dave taunted

I punched him hard in the face. He swayed back.

"Shut the fuck up!" I screamed.

Dave stared at me. His eyes just slits of anger.

"I hate that guy, okay? But I have to live there for the time being." I grumbled.

It was just lie upon lie upon lie upon lie. I was so ashamed of myself.

Dave wiped some blood from his nose. "It's really wearing you down living there, huh?"

I nodded. Another lie.

Dave knew me well enough not to try to offer me money so he merely slapped my shoulder.

"Fine. I'll stop bugging you."

I nodded.

"I'll keep you out of it."

And that he did. He focused all his efforts on teasing Timothy. He made sure not to ask for my opinion or ask me to join. Him and the guys would constantly throw things at him, push him into walls, call him names.

It was terrible. I wanted it to end so bad. I wanted to stand up for him but I just couldn't.

We were heading out after the last class. My friends and I. When we walked by Timothy, Dave pushed him into the lockers while passing. Like it was nothing. This time he actually pushed him hard enough for Timothy to fall down.

My eyes widened and my hands balled into fists.

Stop touching him. Was all I could think.

Blade and some girls helped him up but I still felt awful. I was supposed to protect him.

✪

I screamed loudly when I was alone in my car.

"FUCK!" I yelled. I was going insane. I slammed my hands into my head.

"Why are you such a coward!" I yelled at myself.

You have to help him.

I can't. The way those guys had looked at me when they thought Timothy was wearing my sweater. Over something so little. Imagine telling them that Timothy is why I get up in the morning. That he's the only person that's really made me feel. That I would do anything for him..

Would. But I can't.

"Coward!" I yelled.

T opened the door and sat in the passenger seat. He looked normal. He didn't even look upset. Until he saw my face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He reached out to touch me.

"Don't!" I slapped his hand away. "Don't do that! Don't try to comfort me! I should be comforting you!"

"About what?" T's eyes only looked worried. Worried for me. Even when my friends were torturing him every single time they saw him. He was only worried about me.

"About them! They're hurting you! You're supposed to be mad at them! At me!" I screamed.

"You didn't do anything-"

"And I should've! I should've defended you! Instead I just let them mess with you like you don't matter!"

"Josh, it's okay. I'm used to it." Timothy stroked my arm but I pushed him away.

"Stop saying that! It's not okay! And it's not okay that I'm hiding you like you're some worthless thing! How are you so fine with all this?!"

"I know what I signed up for. You're not out yet and-"

"I'm not gay! And I'm never coming out! It's just you! I only like you!"

Timothy stared at me for a while but then he nodded soothingly. "Okay."

"How do you not care!" I yelled, louder than before.

Timothy didn't answer for a while.

"I just want to make things easier. And it's easier for both of us if I don't take things personally. I know you don't mean it. And I know you don't like it when your friends treat me that way. You don't have to say it and we don't have to talk about it. It's fine. As long as we're together I don't care what happens-"

"Or maybe you just don't care at all." I said bitterly.

"What do you mean?" T asked confused.

"About us. About me."

Now Timothy finally looked hurt. His face crumbled.

"Why would you say that?" He whispered.

"Am I wrong?"

"Of course you are!" Timothy insisted.

"I don't believe you." I answered.

Timothy was stunned. He turned away and looked out at the road. A few seconds of silence went by.

"That's not fair." He said softly.

"Life's not fair." I turned the key and start the car.

On the way back home all I thought about is how terrible I am.

And stupidly, I thought about Charlie. And about how he would've defended Timothy. He would've jumped in front of a gun for him. Hell, he literally jumped into a fight with Dave. He'd done what I couldn't and for the first time I wondered if Timothy might be better off with him after all.

When we'd reached home T turned to me in the car.

"Can we at least talk about it-"

I opened the car door and walked out like I didn't hear him.

Dahlia was there. She happily greeted me and Timothy when we came in. She was holding a brush in her hand. She was painting. She took one look at us to notice something was wrong. Her forehead creased with worry.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

Timothy said nothing and stared at his feet.

"I was about to start a new painting. Do you want to watch?" Dahlia asked. Timothy shrugged.

"You?" She nodded at me.

"I have homework." I turned around and headed for the stairs. I looked back at them for a moment.

"Come," Dahlia beckoned Timothy. She wrapped her arm around him and stroked his back.

✪

It was nighttime and everyone was asleep. I felt like shit sitting in the dark on my bed. I felt guilty. I knew I was being unfair to him. I just felt so powerless. I couldn't do anything about this shitty situation and seeing him take it so easily made me feel worse. If only he'd yell at me or scream, fight back in some way. At least then I wouldn't have to feel so damn... guilty.

I tiptoed over to Timothy's room. I opened the door. The room was dark like mine. The only light seeping in from Timothy's bathroom, the door slightly ajar. I heard the water of the shower.

I walked over to the desk across the room. I gasped.

There was a drawing on his desk. A black and white drawing of me. It was a side profile and I had a serious expression on my face. I wasn't sure if it was a sketch or not. I'd hang it in an art gallery just the way it was. Every stroke was infused with love and care and I felt even more like an idiot for blowing up at him.

It was blinding and mesmerizing. He was extremely talented and I'd had no idea.

"It's not done yet." Timothy said suddenly.

I looked up and he was standing in the door opening with a towel around his waist.

"How? It looks perfect. It's.." I stroked the paper. "I had no idea."

"Please. You and I both know you're very aware of your appearance." Timothy said with a smirk.

"I wasn't talking about that! I was talking about you! You're.." I shook my head. "You're amazing."

Timothy stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry." I said.

He looked up.

"I took it out on you. I didn't mean to."

Timothy shrugged. "It's okay."

"It's fucking not. And next time I do it I need you to punch me."

I realized how I would probably consider a punch from him a playful jab.

"With a brick." I added.

Timothy laughed.

I smiled at him. "So Picasso,"

"Don't. I'm not that good."

"Stop being so fucking humble." I came over to him. I grabbed his face gently. I stroked his cheek.

I leaned in and when his warm lips touched mine I felt my stress melt away.

I stroked his jaw with my thumb and pushed my tongue inside. His breath was minty fresh. My hand slid down his back, to his towel and then he pulled away.

"Not tonight." He said, walking right past me.

I nodded. "You're still mad at me. I get it."

"No, I'm not." T said lightly.

"Then why not?"

T shrugged.

"I'm punishing you." He smirked.

"What? I thought you weren't mad!"

"I'm not but I'm supposed to train you. If you're good you get sex. If you're bad you don't." He nodded.

"You're crazy! You can't do that!"

"You said to punch you with a brick. This is your brick." T smirked.

"No! Come on! This isn't what I meant! And you want this just as bad as I do!"

"We're not all horny animals, Josh." T said, dropping his towel.

My mouth dropped too.

He casually searched through his underwear drawer, his back turned towards me. His whole... back.

"You can't do this to me!" I begged.

"What doesn't kill you makes you.." Timothy mused.

"Horny. And sexually frustrated." I grumbled.

T slipped on his pink undies.

I stared at his body and wondered how he was even able to cross the street without people jumping him.

T turned around and cocked his head. Then he started to smile. "You look so desperate."

"I am!" I took a step forward and pulled him into my arms.

Timothy got on his toes and kissed me. I ran my hand over his warm back. Timothy pulled me closer by my belt.

I moved my hands up to his chest, and his nipples. I pressed gently. His breath deepened and he took a step back. I took a step closer but he pushed me away.

"No!" He said with a smile and turned around. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and pulled him close.

"Why not?" I kissed his ear.

He tried to move away.

"You can punish me tomorrow!"

"Absolutely not."

"We have to make up! Can I at least touch you? Just a little?"

"No." Timothy got out of my grasp and walked to the door.

"You should go."

"Seriously?"

He nodded, a happy smile on his lips.

I attempted to give him puppy eyes but honestly my eyes looked more like a fox's than a puppy's.

T nodded to the door. "Go."

I sighed in defeat.

Timothy opened the door for me.

"Fine. Goodnight."

"'Night." T nodded.

I stood across him in the door opening. Staring at him for a while.

Then I quickly slapped his chest and ran off.

"Josh!" He screamed as quietly as he could.

A/N

I'm all better! Thanks for your get well wishes!  <3

Also I'm adding even more Avril Lavigne to the soundtrack. I'm not sorry. And Evanescence too, IM OBSESSED.