Caius POV:

" Mr Romanov are you listening?" My therapist Raymond asked and I bought my attention back to him . Was I listening? Truth be told no , no I wasn't , haven't been for the entirety of the whole session.

Why is it that I even bother with these therapy sessions? They weren't helpful in the least . They say it's supposed to help , to ease the pain or help you work through your feelings or whatever trauma you have experienced.

Truth be tould ,the only thing I see is someone trying to fix me and I don't need fixing. I am not broken , sick or fucking messed up in the head. I am what I like to refer to as unique, different, special. Maybe it has to do with the absolute fuck up hell I have had the absolute pleasure of experiencing as a child in Russia growing up with my father's side of the family.

That's most definitely what fucked me up to begin with. I mean , how often do you hear of a Russian man with a Jamaican woman? That's like saying you like ketchup with curry goat/chicken, it just doesn't work and my parents proved that.

I am surprised they lasted the 6 years they were together for and when my mom decided to migrate back to Jamaica and offered me the option to come with her at 9 years old , I should have been more fucking sensible and taken the damn offer.

Instead I chose to stay with my father and his messed up family with their mentally challenge minds .

After experiencing my own version of hell on earth lovingly offered by my father and his side of the family, I finally decided to see this Jamaica that my mum had offered to take me to see back then except now am 24 , scared, someone who thrives off pain and brutality and sitting in a therapist office every Friday ever since I found myself wanting to slice people open again and paint what they looked like on the inside. I loved painting, I took art classes when I was in high-school.

" Mr Romanov I asked you a question " Raymond pressed and I stop tapping my fingers on the handle of the chair I was seated in and looked at him .

" question?"

He sighed " Mr.Romanov I cannot help you unless you allow me to . I asked you how would you describe your emotions whenever you think about your family?"

I smiled " family a wah fuck up thing. If mi coulda change bloodline ,believe dem woulda be eh last option . Family a eh type a people who will see yah accomplish things inna life and mek eh weapon fi destroy yuh " .

" I see . So you believe you would be better off if you weren't related to your family?"

"Yeh man ,100 percent " .

" What about you ? Don't you plan on having your own family one day?"

Do I? I don't know . I mean , if I am correct the way it works is one must feel attraction to the opposite gender in a feeling they describe as love and then they must get married in a ceremony with a pastor and then fuck each other which will result in the female becoming pregnant and henceforth the result , a young human which they refer to as baby.

Thing is, I could just about as say the fucking four letter word much less to experience it's feeling . I don't have a problem with sex, far from it.

I haven't had any complaints from the women I have fucked so far except for the fact that they all left for the same reason, they got terrified whenever i wanted to lively up things a little bit, you know make sex a fun experience but, I would never force someone to do something they aren't comfortable with.

Point is I am not made for love , it's too simple , too sweet. The whole symbolism of the word scream somthing soft,tender and care . I have nothing against people who have found love ,no I just know its not something I want or I am even capable of feeling.

I mean the closet feeling I have had to something like that was when I held a gun at 16, and seeing the fear in my half sister's eyes when it was pressed against her head and now I am in a therapist office.

" Mr. Romanov ,the question " Raymond's voice jolted me back to the present.

" nuh sure bout that. Fi start a family, a man haffi find a woman weh him feel sumuh fah".

" yes love and affection " he said as he wrote something down on his notepad.

" poison, dem deh sound like poison ".

" ok, do you believe that whatever you were exposed to as a child may be the reason you feel this way about a future potential partner?"

I laughed, that was funny. See this is my point exactly, trying to fix me , to pinpoint whatever issues he thinks I have onto my past trauma but,I don't see it like that . My past with my father and his side of the family has nothing to do with how I feel about a future partner .

" that nuh have nuhun fi do wid it. Am just not interested inna nuh form a relationship right now ".

The sound of an alarm went off signaling the end of the session and Raymond closed his notepad and said ,

" I don't think today was a successful session Mr. Romanov but, I do have one favour to ask you . If you find it within yourself, go to a service at any church and when we meet again next Friday I would like you to tell me your experience ".

Church service? I have  work and I could think of a million other things I would rather be doing but, why not? If I am already subjecting myslef to this mind torture, I might as well purify my mind and cleanse my sinful nature in church, after all the bible did say come as you are .

Getting to my feet I said ,

" ah, thanks fi yuh time Raymond. Yuh know seh from mi deh a Jamaica two years now yah eh fus person mi meet name Raymond. Sure yuh family nuh mix wid white people?"

" have a good evening Mr. Romanov and please consider my request " .

I stopped at my office on the way home just to pick up some paperwork I needed to review. As the owner of over 40 properties,  including hotels, villas, restaurants etc,the workload  can be overbearing sometimes but,I have a passion for buildings and I make over 2 billion a year so it was  more than a fulfilling career.

My Secretary Michelle was closing up when I arrived and I greeted her and made my way to the main office . I had found the paperwork I needed to review  and was about to leave the office when the door opened and Michelle entered.

" sorry sir but, I just wanted to let you know that Mr.Harrison came by to see you today. He wanted to discuss something with you relating to the villa in Ocho Rios St.Ann"

" ok thank you Michelle,  I will give him a call" .

" ok sir , have a good evening " , and she turned and left my office.

On the way home I stopped at a boutique and bought a black suit for church, if am going to be cleanse might as well do it in style .