Feeling Lost

Harlyn

Things have been weird since we returned. I’m not sure why. I just feel like I’m missing something. Wayne’s family looks at me differently now.

Or maybe they had always looked at me in that way, but I didn’t notice it before. Maybe he told them about Stefan, so now they hate me for hurting their brother?

All I know is things have been weird since we got back yesterday.

“Are you ready?” Wayne stands by the door, looking at me. I’m not sure. I still feel uneasy about everything. “You need to do this, Harlyn. You need to practice shifting so you can do it easily and yourself, not just when you’re having intense feelings.”

I know he is right, but everything feels weird. I’m not used to having a wolf. “I still haven’t heard it.” I look towards him.

“It may take time. Stop thinking about that. You should be happy you have your wolf—not just any wolf, but the rarest of them all. You need to test your strength, speed, and such.”

“Okay, what about the pups?” I don’t want to leave them alone.

“They are coming. You can all train together. Come on.” He turns and walks out. Reluctantly, I get up and follow him outside. The pups are already training. They are laughing and joking around, which makes me smile.

“Okay, you need to focus and see if you can partially shift where you just release your paws.” He looks at me.

“Wayne, I don’t even know how to shift fully, let alone partially.” I feel annoyed, and I glance around us.

“Okay, how about we just test your strength? You know how to fight, so put it to use with me.” He steps in front of me. I chew my lip. I’m not sure. “My love, you can’t just carry on and pretend you don’t have a wolf, so fight me. Let’s see your strength.”

I nod and move to hit him. He blocks me, and we continue to move against each other, his head shaking.

“It’s like you’re a human. Why aren’t you using your wolf?” He looks at me, annoyed.

“I don’t know how,” I reply quietly.

“It’s not that hard, if the pups can figure it out, so can you. Go again.” Sighing, I move and fight against him, but his frustration grows.

“Harlyn, use your wolf!” His words are shouted.

“I don’t know how! You all had classes at academies that taught you how to. You taught the pups how to. I was never taught. I wasn’t taught a single fucking thing about wolves. Forget it. Just leave it. It’s pointless. Come on, pups.” I grab Thorin’s hand and guide them away from Wayne.

Getting into the manor, I walk to my room.

“Mummy, are you okay?” Thorin looks at me.

“I think I’m just tired, so how about a lazy movie day?” I smile at them, and they nod. Putting on a film, I sit on the bed with them cuddled against me.

I wish I knew things about wolves, but I don’t. For some reason, today, I woke up feeling annoyed, and I’m easily irritable. Is that because I have my wolf or because of something else?

I smile hearing the pups laughing at the movie, maybe with everything that happened, I just needed one day. One small break from everything.

When the movie finishes, we put another one on. I meant it when I said lazy movie day. They aren’t training; they aren’t doing anything but relaxing.

“Hey,” Wayne says, and I look across the room, seeing him standing by the door. “Can I join you?” He looks from me to the pups.

“Yes!” Thorin smiles and climbs over me, making room for Wayne.

“Is that okay?” Wayne looks at me.

“It’s fine. Yes, you can join us,” I reply and watch as he sits on the bed, his arms wrapping around me, and I settle against him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I didn’t consider that it wouldn’t be quick and easy for you to do it.” He smiles down at me.

“I just need a break. After everything, going home, I just need a break, Wayne, and the pups as well. So no training, anything like that, can wait for a week until we’re settled again. I get in academies; they train every day, but just not for a bit.” I’ve had enough of the drama.

“Fine, no training.” He smiles at me and pulls me closer.

“I’m sorry for shouting at you. I just don’t feel like me right now,” I whisper.

“What do you mean? Explain it to me.” He glances at me.

“Just, I don’t know. I feel easily annoyed, confused, and like there is something there trying to push me, but I don’t know what,” I admit. “I feel like I’m missing something, like my mind is trying to make me see something, but it can’t.”

Saying it out loud sounds crazy.

“Maybe it’s your wolf. If it’s trying to communicate with you but is still locked down, it won’t be able to. Just relax. I am sorry. For now, just get used to how it feels having a wolf.” He places a soft kiss on my cheek, and we don’t speak again. We sit watching the movie together with the pups.

I do wonder what is happening, though. He claimed me, and it has gone. He hasn’t mentioned claiming me again. He hasn’t mentioned anything, not even what happened with Stefan since that first conversation.

He says he loves me, which is why he’s just letting it go, but it shouldn’t be that simple. He’s not mentioned us marrying either; he’s just been quiet and distant to some extent, and I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something.

I just don’t know what I’m actually missing, or maybe I’m overthinking. Wayne is right. Having a wolf is the cause of my excessive thoughts.