The Wrong Quarterback: Chapter 1

Freedom. That’s what it felt like as I drove toward my dorm in my beat-up Honda.

It felt like I could breathe again.

The weight that had pressed on my chest for the past two years seemed to be lifting as I took in the sprawling expanse of the university. The orange brick buildings lined with trees, the wide open spaces, the students walking in groups or rushing around. It was alive here, vibrant. So unlike the house I’d left behind, that felt like it had died the night that Ben did.

I’d been afraid that I’d get here and immediately burst into tears thinking about my brother. But so far so good.

That felt like a good sign.

I’d held out hope for about six months after the accident that my hand would heal, and I’d still be able to try for piano performance at Juilliard or the New England Conservatory of Music. It had soon become apparent, though, that my hand wasn’t going to be improving anytime soon.

And so I applied here. The University of Tennessee.

Where Ben was going to go before the accident and where Gray was now.

I told myself that the death of my dream had nothing on what Ben had lost, but even now, I felt guilty, like I was walking in his would be footsteps. Mama had wanted me to go to the local community college, something small and safe and close to home. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t take one more day of her grief. I’d insisted on coming to Tennessee right away, and she hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye when I left.

Rolling to a stop, I watched a group of girls cross the street in front of me. I didn’t even need to see Greek letters to know they were sorority girls. I’d read that rush week was during move-in, and judging by their matching high ponytails, shirts, and red lipstick—it was in full swing. I wondered if I would have had enough courage to do something like that if that night hadn’t happened.

But then again, I never would have been here in the first place, right?

My phone buzzed, and I glanced at it, a smile crossing my lips when I saw it was from him. Gray.

Butterflies sparked to life inside me, and my hands started to sweat. This was it. I was about to see him again.

I hadn’t seen him since he left for school, despite everything he’d said that night by the lake. I’d replayed that night over and over in my head, especially the kiss. But it had been two years since he’d been home, and although he’d invited me several times to come visit him, Mama had barely let me leave the house to go to school, much less to go visit a university hours away. He’d told me it was too painful to come home, but he’d texted me here and there.

I’d lived for those texts.

Gray was like a lifeline when things got too lonely. I’d changed after everything that had happened, and it felt like he was the only one who could understand.

Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself this was a fresh start. I didn’t need to think about the past. It was time for once to focus on the future.

The campus was bigger than I remembered from the tour we’d gone on with Ben. Neyland Stadium rose up in the distance, hovering over all the buildings like it wanted to remind them who was really in charge. The trees along the main quad were just starting to change color, a hint of gold creeping into the green leaves. Sidewalks wound through the grassy areas where students sat or played frisbee, some sprawled out in the shade of massive oaks.

Pulling up to the curb, I turned off the car and sat there for a moment, soaking it all in, trying to make sure I was calm enough to actually see Gray without doing something like flinging myself into his arms…or fainting.

I typed out, I’m here and then hesitated, my finger hovering over the send button as I glanced into the rearview mirror, making sure I looked okay.

This was as good as I was going to get, I guess.

I’d lost weight in my grief. When food tasted like ash on your tongue, it wasn’t hard to do. The gauntness in my cheeks made me look older, and my weird gray eyes hadn’t stopped looking haunted. But maybe Gray would think I looked old enough now. Maybe he would be ready to stop waiting for me to grow up and just be ready.

A girl could dream.

I finally pressed send, my nerves twisting in my stomach.

A few minutes passed, and nothing. My nerves twisted tighter, not releasing until a familiar ping of a message made my heart skip.

A minute later, I spotted him. He was walking toward my car with a group of guys, laughing at something, his head thrown back, carefree. He looked…different. Not drastically, but there was something in the way he carried himself. Like he’d become more confident. His blond hair was longer than I remembered; brushing just above his collar. His tan was darker, and the way his muscles filled out his shirt made it clear he’d spent a lot of time in the gym. He was wearing a polo shirt and boat shoes—a look Ben would have mocked him endlessly for. He looked every bit the preppy college guy. But not really like my Gray.

He’s not “your Gray,” creeper, I reminded myself.

My heart was trying to beat out of my chest as I watched him get closer. He hadn’t seen me yet, he was too busy laughing with his friends. I was jealous of him for a moment, that he’d been able to escape the miserable memories that now came with our hometown, while I’d been caged within.

I was hoping that college could have that effect on me, too, because I could hardly remember what laughing felt like anymore.

I got out of the car, too nervous to stay there and watch him. Gray finally glanced around and spotted me.

And his eyes moved right past.

“Gray,” I called out, wondering how he’d missed me.

He stopped dead, his eyes snapping to mine, widening in shock. “Casey?”

I waved awkwardly, and he grinned, breaking away from his group and jogging over to where I was standing. The butterflies in my stomach kicked up.

Before I could say anything, he pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around me tightly. It felt good—familiar, comforting.

He pulled back, not letting go completely. His eyes roamed over me, taking his time like he was seeing me for the first time. He traced my body slowly, his gaze getting caught on my chest before he finally made it back to my face. I shifted uncomfortably, kind of feeling like a piece of meat as he took me in.

“Wow,” he finally said, stepping back just a little but still keeping me close. “You look…different.”

“Um, thanks?” I said, trying to sound casual, even though I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. I forced a smile. “It has been a while.”

He nodded, but before he could respond, the group of guys he’d been with reached us. I recognized some of them from the photos Gray had posted online over the years.

One of them, a cute brown haired guy, slapped him on the shoulder. “Who’s this?” he asked, his eyebrows moving up and down as he grinned at me.

Gray’s arm wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me into his side.

Huh…that was…different. Everything I wanted, but not what I expected after not seeing him for two years.

“This is Casey,” he said, introducing me like I was some sort of prize. His voice was light and casual, but there was something in his tone that felt off.

I glanced up at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was watching his friends, waiting for their reactions.

One by one, his friends looked me over, and I could feel the sliminess of their stares. They weren’t subtle about it, their knowing smiles making my skin crawl. I forced another smile. These were Gray’s friends. I wanted them to like me.

There was a brief, awkward pause before Gray cleared his throat, his eyes flicking to my car and then back to me. “So, uh, I assume you have some boxes you need carried in? We’ve got a frat barbecue at two, so I’ll need to get going soon.”

I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to hide my disappointment. I’d been hoping we could catch up. Maybe have lunch or something. But I remembered now that he’d told me he’d gotten into a fraternity last year. I knew that was a big deal at Tennessee.

“Oh yeah, of course. It’s just a few things,” I told him, stepping out of his embrace and moving to open the back.

Gray glanced in the trunk and raised an eyebrow. “Is that everything?” he asked with a cute grin. “I was expecting more.”

“Yep, that’s all of it. I think my dorm’s right over there,” I said, nodding toward the orange bricked building in front of us. I, of course, didn’t tell him that Mama hadn’t bothered going shopping with me before school. And wanting to start over meant that I bought what I could with my meager savings—and it wasn’t much.

Gray grabbed the boxes and told the guys he would meet them in a little bit. I waved goodbye to them and then locked my car before following Gray to the dorm, my nerves settling just a little with each step. I was really here.

My dorm building was old, the walls lined with bulletin boards advertising campus events and welcome parties. The air smelled faintly of something industrial, like old carpet cleaner, but I didn’t care. Everything was the opposite of where I’d been.

Just what I wanted.

“406?” Gray asked, his breath coming out a bit heavy from the weight of the boxes and the stairs we’d just come up.

“Yep.”

We passed a few more rooms, and then we were there in front of an old, nondescript, wooden door. I quickly pulled out the key I’d gotten in my new student packet and swung the door open.

I grinned when I saw inside.

It was small and old, nothing in it but two twin beds on opposite walls, a couple of desks shoved under the single window, and a shared dresser.

But I thought it was glorious.

The walls were bare, the beige cinder block kind that had been featured in every college dorm room since the dawn of time. Maybe some would think it felt a little prison-like. But after living in those quiet walls the past two years, not being allowed to do anything, and listening to my mom’s tears around the clock—this felt like anything but a prison.

One of the beds had some suitcases on it, and clothes were already strewn all over, but there wasn’t any other sign of my roommate. She’d left me the bed closest to the window, though, with the view of the green just outside—that seemed like a good sign.

Gray set my stuff down and glanced around, rubbing the back of his neck. “Cozy.”

I laughed “Yeah. Cozy.”

“I’d forgotten how tiny the dorms are.”

“Oh, yes, you’re the cool guy who lives in the fraternity house now,” I teased.

He grinned, and the little butterflies came back.

“You look good,” I blurted out before I could stop myself—immediately wishing that there was a way for me to fall through the floor and disappear.

Gray raised an eyebrow, his lips curling into a smirk. “Yeah? You too, Case.” His eyes roved up and down my body again. “Very good.”

My face heated, and I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. This wasn’t exactly how I imagined it would go. In my head, or maybe in my wildest dreams, we’d pick up right where we left off. Instead, it was awkward, almost like I was a stranger he was trying to pick up.

I almost brought up Ben then, but I stopped myself. From what Gray had said about why he hadn’t come home, that was probably the opposite of what he wanted to talk about.

As if he could read my mind, he shrugged, his smile dimming a little. “It’s been weird without Ben. I think about him a lot. I imagine that’s only going to happen more with you being here.”

I swallowed hard, the familiar ache of loss settling back into my chest. “Yeah. I get that.”

We stood there in silence for a moment, the weight of Ben’s absence hanging between us like a third person.

Gray sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Listen, I know I—we haven’t really talked much since I left, but I’m glad you’re here, Casey. I really am.”

I looked up at him, my heart beating a little faster. “You are?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, his eyes meeting mine. “I’ve thought about you. About us. That night…”

I felt my breath catch, memories of the kiss flashing in my mind. “I have, too.” My voice came out far too hopeful, but I’d always been shit at hiding how I felt from him.

Gray stepped closer, and for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me again. I tensed in anticipation, my eyes already fluttering closed like I was a heroine in a romance movie.

The kiss never came, though.

Instead, he reached out and squeezed my hand, his thumb brushing over my knuckles. “I’ve got to get to the house right now, but you should join us for dinner later. You’ll like the guys.”

I nodded quickly, maybe a little too eagerly. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

He smiled, his familiar easy grin making my chest flutter. “Cool. I’ll text you the details.”

As he walked out, I stood by the door for a moment, watching him go. It kind of felt like we were back in high school, me hovering around trying to get his attention.

But he said he thought about that night—that kiss. That was good, right?

I closed the door and sighed, leaning back against the cold wood as I stared out the window to the green below. There was a group of students tossing a football around, and I stared out at them for a moment, trying to imagine myself fitting into all of this. It would feel strange for a while, like I was pretending to be someone else—I’d been expecting that. It was like I’d been living in the dark and someone had flipped on a light suddenly—it was normal for it to take a minute to acclimate.

Before I could get too lost in my thoughts, the door burst open, and I went flying forward, stumbling across the floor and barely catching myself before I fell on my face. Turning, I watched as a whirlwind of energy came through the entry in the form of a bubbly blond girl carrying two duffel bags and a stack of hangers.

“Oh my God, hi!” she exclaimed, dropping her bags and rushing over to hug me before I could even stand up. “You must be Casey! I’m Natalie, but everyone calls me Nat. I’m your roommate!”

She pulled back, her blue eyes wide with excitement as she looked me up and down. “I’m so glad you’re here! I was hoping I wouldn’t be stuck with some total weirdo, you know? Like, what if you were one of those creepy girls who doesn’t talk or someone who steals my snacks? And what if I woke up and you were like standing over me and breathing heavily?” She shivered like she was picturing it right then.

I blinked, trying to keep up with her rapid-fire talking, a smile sliding across my lips because she was kind of hilarious. “Uh, yeah. I mean, I promise not to steal your snacks…and the other things.”

“Thank fuck!” Nat said, dramatically collapsing onto her bed with a loud sigh. “I’ve been so nervous about this, you have no idea.” She unzipped one of her duffels and pulled out a bag of blue Nerd Gummies, ripping it open and shoveling some into her mouth as I watched.

That was a good snack, though. I made a mental note to get my own.

Nat started pulling clothes out of her duffel bags and throwing them into the piles that were already on her bed from her suitcase, babbling on about how excited she was to decorate the room, what color scheme we should go with, and how she had a Pinterest board full of ideas. I smiled, nodding along as she kept talking, her energy filling the room.

It was very clear that she was the exact opposite of me—loud, talkative, and full of confidence—but maybe that was exactly what I needed.

As I continued to listen to her talk about all the freshman orientation activities we needed to attend and the parties she was going to drag me to, the uncertainty that I’d had started to slip away.

This was what I needed.

This felt like freedom.