CHAPTER 32 - Without Her

It was just like any other day...

"I'm serious", Namee insisted. "Homework should be abolished. Students should be spending quality time with their families instead of stressing over their homework. We are already spending our entire day in school, and they still want us to spend our night time to think over the lessons? Hah! Just imagine how many papers will be saved if homework is abolished."

"Spending quality time with your family or spending quality time online, browsing the internet?" Bullet argued.

"Browsing the internet is not a bad thing. I learn so much from it than homeworks! They should actually make use of the students' interest in the internet to make the lessons less boring."

"You have a very disturbing mind, Namee."

"Genius is the right word."

"I'm assuming your hatred for homework has been activated when Professor Century Egg gave you a ton of homework after he caught you texting in class."

"UGH! Please don't remind me of him", Namee grimaced. "The room where he teaches that subject is like trapped in a time warp. Everything moves in slow motion. His boring lesson bends time and space, I tell you. I looked at one of my classmates and I thought I saw a mushroom growing in his face! People are decaying in front of him, that's how boring he is!"

"Right, right", Bullet chuckled at his friend's exaggeration. He just let her rant since there was no stopping Namee when she was in her element.

"And don't even get me started with his outfit! He always wear the same thing – brown slacks, leather belt that looks like it has been made one hundred years ago using human skin, brown knitted sweater and a white pointy beanie that makes him look like a walking condom!"

"I can feel your hate for him, Namee. But you seriously need to finish the homework he gave you because he's quite popular for flunking a lot of students, especially those who are gang members. He's known as the gang slayer around here", Bullet grinned.

"Gang slayer?" Namee scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Have you seen him recently? If a mosquito bites him, he might die of blood loss."

"The point is – do your homework."

"Homework should be abolished! Right, Dara? Dara, pay attention! This is so significant!"

"I'm listening. It's hard not to hear you when you're beside me. With your loud voice, half of InterSAT already know about your new sinister goal", Dara said as they walked along the hallway with Namee in between her and Bullet.

"You've been very quiet, I thought you're not listening. Anyway..." Namee waved her pen with a fluffy top, which Dara was able to dodge. "As I was saying, professors should stop giving homework. They should give us the liberty to spend our night time however we want instead of forcing us to deal with a pile of paperwork. Opinions?" She wiggled the pen's fluffy top between Bullet and Dara, urging them to talk.

"That's ridiculous", Bullet commented. "Will you get that fluffy shit away from my face!"

"It's not ridiculous!"

"You're not respecting our opinion. This is tyranny."

"I respect your opinion, but it doesn't mean I have to agree with it. You disagreed with my opinion, and I also disagreed with your opinion", she said in a business-like tone.

"You're living in a society where there are homeworks. Deal with it."

"You know what? I better build my own country and implement my ideas."

"You mean you're going to abandon your throne in hell?" Dara asked. "How can evil prevail when the mistress of darkness abandons her throne?"

"They'll survive without me."

"Just out of curiosity, what are you going to name your country?" Bullet asked.

"I'm going to name it....NAMEE CHENG!"

Bullet and Dara stared at her with a deadpan expression, both wondering why the hell they ended up being friends with a lunatic.

"If you're a guy, I would've punched you multiple times until you stop moving", Bullet muttered, shaking his head in dismay.

"HEY! My name is fitting for a country!"

Her two friends continued bickering while Dara remained silent, her mind wandering elsewhere. When they turned at the corner, she flinched when she saw Jiro at the other end of the hallway. His proud stance and deep penetrating gaze; his slow, steady steps and uncaring attitude – nothing changed. It was as if what happened yesterday was just a bad dream. Dara focused her gaze forward, her shoulders stiff, while her friends continued to engage in a heated discussion. There was a tense air radiating from her, her heart pounding hard as they walked past Jiro. She didn't throw a glance at him and she knew he did the same.

'It starts from here', she thought. Last night, alone in her room, she was able to think things through. Riko might be one of the reasons but somehow, Dara felt like she and Jiro were bound to drift apart one way or the other. With how he saw himself and how he dealt with things, both of them wouldn't go anywhere with their relationship. She realized fighting alone when he decided to stand on the same spot was a useless battle. Jiro pushed her away when she was desperately trying to make things work for them. He chose to let her go, thinking that it would be best for her. He thought it was the right thing to do; he believed he would never be worthy of a future with her. So she decided to step away, because it was time for her to protect herself...and a time for him to be strong. They both needed to change.

"I'm off! See you later!" Namee waved at the two and started sprinting towards the room adjacent to Dara's classroom.

"Later, Bullet", Dara said and was about to enter her classroom when the strap of her bag was suddenly yanked from behind, causing her to halt her steps. She glanced back and saw Bullet staring at her, concern drawn on his face.

"Your eyes are swollen. Did you cry?" He asked.

It was just like any other day...

"I watched a touching movie last night", she reasoned.

...except she had to pretend that she was okay.

***

In the midst of the lazy afternoon, Bonsai was bouncing around, his energy incomparable with anyone from the Black Dragon gangsters. The turf was as noisy as before, having Bonsai leading the crew of idiots as they animatedly make fun of and re-enact the movie they recently watched.

Picaro, the only one who had a normal functioning human brain, stood on guard in case one of their mates had one of those eureka moments again and decided to create chaos. There was one time when they unanimously decided (headed by Bonsai, of course) to get rid of their pants and run on the hallway, and they couldn't let that kind of shit happen again. Picaro was there to make sure of it.

Jiro was staring outside the window, watching the familiar scene on the school ground below. There was a hollow feeling at the pit of his stomach, a heavy weight in his shoulders, as the magnitude of her absence started settling in. But he has to bear it, because what he did is the right thing to do. She's no longer beside him. There was a twinge of pain that made him wince; the thought of her warm smile and fond whispers piercing his heart. But Jiro gritted his teeth and kept the pain buried in his chest. He should get through this. He must.

"Anything wrong, Ice Leader?" Bonsai suddenly asked as he approached him, with Picaro following him from behind.

"Nothing", Jiro said flatly.

"Stone talked to the other gangs at the Sparrow's turf a while ago", Picaro informed him. "He told them that it was Hawk who was marking the lockers in exchange for money and that he is already locked up in rehab. The other gangs were enraged, but Stone took responsibility and talked to the leaders. I'm not sure what went on after that, but I'm guessing they would want revenge."

"Stone can handle them", Jiro responded.

"Well, Locker X has been resolved! At least Dara is now safe", Bonsai grinned.

"Yeah", he mumbled and shifted his gaze again to stare at the clear sky.

It was just like any other day...

"At least Dara is now safe", he repeated weakly.

...but it fucking hurts like hell.

***

It was those trivial things, like the way she firmly focuses her gaze forward when they walk past each other, her sudden silence when she hears that the Black Dragons are near her, the way she averts her gaze so as not to see him. It was those small things that kill him a little every day.

Jiro entered the classroom and saw the girl immediately engaging her friend in a conversation. Instead of taking his usual seat behind her, he occupied the seat at the back of the room, not minding the obvious staring of the other students. He saw how her friend, Namee Cheng, furrowed her brow in puzzlement before talking to Dara again.

He lazily leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest while waiting for the professor, although his purpose for attending the class didn't have anything to do with the subject. He shifted his gaze at the girl and stared at her back, watching her every movement. Despite his calm exterior, his heart was pounding hard, his senses hyperaware of her presence. He missed her. He missed her so much. It had been almost a week and it was making him crazy. Almost every minute, the thought of her filled his mind. What is she doing right now? Where is she? It was becoming unbearable. Why did he reach for her when he knew she deserved someone better? He should have just kept his promise to her father. He should have-...Damn it.

Jiro inhaled deeply and dropped his gaze to the ground. How long will it take for the pain to go away? He stood up and headed towards the door, ignoring the curious glances of the entire class. How long will it hurt? Being in the same room with her, he felt like choking. He felt like a knife was being repeatedly stabbed in his chest. How long will it last?

As he was drawing nearer the Black Dragons' turf, he abruptly stopped on his tracks, pondering over things. He spun around and descended the stairs, heading towards the east gate. Maybe that smartass had the answer to his questions.

The gang members of The Claws eyed him in a mixture of fear and bewilderment as soon as he entered their turf. He stood by the entrance and roamed his gaze around, looking for someone.

"Hey", Stone's voice entered his ears and he looked up, finding the guy by the stairs going to the second floor. "Come up", he told him and continued ascending the stairs.

Jiro strode past the surprised gang members and followed Stone to the second floor. He saw him on the small balcony that had a view of the university garden, his arms rested by the steel railing. Jiro walked towards him and stood in a near distance, shoving his hands inside his pockets and scanning the ground below.

"What brings you here?" Stone asked.

"I just want to know how the Locker X issue is going."

"The other gang leaders demanded to know the outside gangs who attacked their mates. I told them those were the gangs that had grudges against them. They still want to have a go at them, so Spade asked me to spill out everything. I'm guessing they will attack the outside gangs, except for the gang that you attacked at the alley near the east gate since you already clobbered them."

"I see."

Stone stared at Jiro, searching his face, but the guy immediately looked away. "Tell me the truth, what brings you here? You have a problem, don't you?"

"Not really", he said in a quiet voice. "I just want to ask you something."

"Yeah?"

"When I left you in the orphanage so that you would get adopted by the couple who was about to adopt me, I did that for your own good. And things turned out how it should be. You got adopted and you have your dad now to support you. But was I wrong to do that?"

Stone sighed and faced him, leaning his back against the steel railing and crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't think I can answer your question", he said. "I felt betrayed when you ran away and abandoned me in the orphanage but you're right, everything turned out fine for me. But what if you didn't get the result that you want? What if I didn't get adopted and was left to grow up in the orphanage? Things will not always turn out the way you want them to be, bro."

Jiro dragged his gaze towards the university garden, listening to the rustle of leaves and watching a dried leaf from the nearby tree being carried by the wind. "I screwed up again", he mumbled after a long pause. "I made her suffer."

"Dara Ramirez", Stone stated, knowing that the only girl Jiro was referring to was the one girl that was able to make him lose his mind.

"I shouldn't have started it. I should have left her alone. She's better without me", his eyes were focused far away, his chest constricting with the pain that he'd been trying to swallow down.

Stone watched him and slowly shifted his gaze away, exhaling audibly. With those mumbled admission, Stone knew it took all of him to force the words out of his mouth. He must be hurting so much to seek him out, and he knew he planned to hide it from his gang mates. Being gang leaders, they had a common pride to take care of their members and not the other way around.

"It looks like you're the one who's suffering the most", he said.

Jiro gnawed his bottom lip before glancing at him. "I did the right thing. I already let her go."

Stone stared at Jiro, his eyebrows creasing in worry with the silent despair he was hearing from his voice.

"I already let her go...but I don't know what to do from here."

"How about winning her back?"

"No", Jiro shook his head lightly, moistening his dried lips. He swallowed hard before he spoke, "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

Why not? Jiro dropped his gaze to the ground. Yes, other people might think that walking out of her life was not the right thing to do. But he who only made her suffer had no right to stay in her life. He couldn't bear to see her getting ruined. He couldn't bear to see her tears anymore. It might sound absurd, stupid even, but no matter how much he wanted her to be his, he could never be the one who could make her smile.

"I think you're misunderstanding something. You think letting her go is the best for her, but does she really think that way? Did you ask her? Did you listen? And what came out of your break up? Nothing", Stone said, making him lift his gaze again. "I may be wrong, but I think she's still suffering. The only difference is, you're not with her anymore." He shook his head in dismay and stared at him. "Didn't you let her go for your own sake, Jiro?"

***

Bullet frowned after listening to his gang mate. He nodded gingerly and went back to the two girls who were sitting in a table at the corner of the cafeteria.

"Problem?" Namee asked.

"It's about Locker X. It seems the gangs that have a member who fell victim to Locker X attacked the outside gangs", he said as he took the seat beside Namee. Everyone in InterSAT already knew that Hawk, who was a member of The Claws, was the one marking the lockers. Unfortunately, the Locker X issue couldn't be put to rest because the other gangs sought revenge.

"Guys' fight is so different from girls' fight", she remarked. "You guys talk with your fist. We girls use our wits."

Bullet smirked at Namee after sipping his can of soda. "At least for guys – we get angry, we throw punches, and voila! The fight is over and we move on with our lives. While with you girls, the fight drags on for a lifetime. And I can't understand how you can smile in front of each other and the moment you turn your back, you attack with your mouth."

"That is called psych war, my friend. We girls engage ourselves in a sophisticated battle."

"I wish I can just punch someone's face and get it over with", Dara blurted out as she absentmindedly flipped the pages of her book. The scene she saw in Jiro's room was still painfully imprinted in her memory, and it was becoming difficult to pretend that everything was fine in front of her friends.

Namee and Bullet looked at each other in surprise before looking back at Dara.

"Are you okay, Dara?" Namee asked cautiously.

"Yeah."

"Are you and Jiro having a fight?"

"Yeah."

"Did you call it quits with him?" Bullet interjected just as the bell rang.

"Yeah."

"WHAT?!" Namee exclaimed. "Wait! I have a class! Don't you dare talk about this without me!"

"Hurry", Bullet said and helped the girl in gathering her things.

"I'll call you later, Dara!" Namee said before dashing out of the cafeteria.

"Okay, she's gone. Now, what's up munchkin?"

"Nothing. Jiro and I decided to end what we have. It's as simple as that", Dara said, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.

Bullet eyed the girl and sighed in resignation. It was quite obvious that she was trying to keep it in so as not to worry them. "Let's get out of here and breathe some fresh air", he suggested.

They exited the cafeteria and walked in the hallway, heading towards the round tables in front of the building. Dara kept her mouth shut as they walked, and Bullet just let her be, knowing that his friend was going through a tough time. Her steps came to a halt when she saw a familiar figure sitting on the stairs of the Arts Building.

"Let's just hang out at the university garden at the back", Dara said.

"Munchkin, what really happened? You know you can talk to me."

"He gave up on us", she mumbled, her gaze focused on Jiro who was sitting on the stairs. She then spun around and headed towards the building's back exit. Bullet frowned while following the girl. Ice Lord gave up on Dara? That idiot.

"Why would he do that? He's a moron", Bullet remarked.

"He's scared", Dara responded.

"Of what?"

"Of what we will become because he's unsatisfied with himself."

Bullet furrowed his eyebrows, his expression becoming dark as they continued walking towards the university garden. "That's not a good reason", he remarked.

"It's enough reason for him", she stated. "I understand where he's coming from. He wanted what's best for me, to the extent of letting me go because he thinks he's making me suffer", Dara's steps slowly halted to even out her breathing, struggling to keep her tears from falling. She spun around and faced her friend, her eyes a mirror of the emotions she was trying to keep inside as she spoke, "To some extent, I am partly at fault. I should have been firm with him when I realized that my words weren't getting through. He took all the pieces of puzzles from me, because he was scared that I wouldn't like what I'd see. So I agreed to let him go...and make him realize what he should really be scared of."

The guy kept his silence as he stared at his friend. "But you're hurting", he said in a quiet voice.

"I am, but I can bear this. I can't be the only one who tries to understand, Bullet. I can't be the only one fighting for us. He needs to fight for me too."

***

Jiro knew she was deliberately avoiding running into him. He had not seen Dara for a while now, not even on the places where they usually ran into each other. He wanted to drop by her house, but given their current situation, he decided against it. Today, however, he found himself standing in front of the library, wondering if she was inside and cursing himself for not being able to walk away from there. He should not be doing this, but his yearning to see even just a glimpse of her, his desperation to be near her again, was becoming unbearable.

He stepped inside the library and strode in the aisles, his heart thundering inside his chest whenever he sees someone with the same height as her. His mind was in a conflicting state, swinging back and forth between what was the right thing to do and what he wanted to do. When he finally saw her tiptoeing and trying to reach a book at the top shelf, Jiro halted his steps and stared at the girl, battling with himself whether he should approach her or not. 'Just help her get the damn book and get out', he told himself. With long strides, he walked towards her and reached for the book with his left hand.

"Thanks, Bullet. You're late! I thought-..." Dara's words froze when she turned around and saw that it was him who was standing behind her.

Bullet. She said Bullet. Jiro couldn't stop the stinging pain he felt at the mention of the guy. Now that they were not together anymore, was she considering the feelings of her friend? Bullet was always the one who was beside her when she was crying...crying because of him. Just like last time. His heart sank at the thought, but his expression remained impassive, his eyes stoic as he met her gaze.

"Here", he said and handed the book to her.

"Thanks", she mumbled.

Both of them fell into a stony silence as they stood on the aisle facing each other, his eyes roaming on her face while she chose to drop her gaze and hung her head low. His mind was telling him to leave, but his feet remained rooted on the spot. Despite being in front of her, he could sense the growing distance between them, the invisible line that he once crossed separating them. She's drifting away. The realization forcibly registered in his brain and the desperation to reach for her engulfed him.

"Is there anything else?" Dara asked, her blank stare directed towards him making his chest constrict.

"Nothing", he responded. "Don't be late for class", the words automatically tumbled out of his lips as he lifted his hand, squeezing her waist just as he was about to walk away, startling both of them. It was an old habit that he had to get out of his system. He saw how her mouth parted in surprise, her eyes widening with what he did.

"Ramirez, I-..."

"Munchkin!" He heard Bullet's voice approaching them. And then, as if shards of glass pierced through his heart, Dara removed his hand from her waist and walked past him.

"You're late! I got bored waiting for you", he heard her say, her voice becoming distant. Jiro did not turn around and stared at the array of books in front of him, with the top shelf missing one book that Dara took.

Shit. He didn't know what to do anymore. His heart hurt so much that he just wanted to rip it out of his chest and throw it elsewhere. It fucking hurts so much. He wanted her to be with someone who deserved her, but could he really face it? Could he bear seeing her with someone else?

Just the thought of it was driving him nuts, but he must endure it.

***

It was a pain he inflicted upon himself, an irreversible damage he caused. Every second that ticked by, every second without her, was a suffering he deserved. He had to endure it. He had to shove down his feelings with the ferocity he showed in his fights, because this was a fight he needed to win for her. He had to let go.

Jiro cracked his knuckles as he sat on the Arts Building's rooftop, his arms rested on his bent knees. He didn't glance back when he heard the rooftop door being pushed open and uttered the name of the only person who knew that he was there despite the end of the classes.

"Picaro?"

"It's me", the soft voice of the girl entered his ears, followed by her footsteps towards him. He remained still and focused his gaze at the dim sky, the darkness of the night slowly embracing the surrounding.

"Jiro", Riko uttered his name as she sat near him. "Jiro, I-..." She stopped and watched as the guy took a painful sigh and hung his head low, the sight of him swallowed by defeat choking her. What had she done? Was this really what she wanted?

She bit her bottom lip as the stiff silence stretched between them, searching her brain for anything that could convince him to look at her; for him to see her love. "Jiro, I'm here", she said in a raspy voice.

"Yeah", he said weakly, and with the lack of interest in his voice, her heart started bleeding.

"I'm here", Riko paused and reached for his arm, gripping it. "Why can't it be me?" She asked, unable to stop the silent plea coated in her words.

Jiro dragged his gaze towards her, his blank stare devoid of life and of strength that he was known for meeting her eyes. Her heart squeezed achingly with the helpless state of the man who always stood with pride...who seemed to cower at nothing. What had she done?

"Why can't it be me?" She repeated, almost pleading.

"I love her", he stated with a certainty that no one could deny, as if it should never be questioned...a fact that he had engraved in his heart that no one could erase.

"A-Are you still together?" She asked, knowing that after what Dara witnessed, there was no way the girl would just accept that. Yes, what she did was wrong, but what could she do? She loved Jiro so much that even if she had to force her way into his life, she was willing to do it. She was willing to swallow her pride, to keep her eyes shut and not see the truth, to take what little he could give, so long as he was with her. She loves him so much. If it was still not enough, then she would love him more, more than anyone could love him.

"I told her we should end it, and she agreed", he said in a quiet voice as he tore his gaze off her and looked in a distance. "I'm sorry, Riko", he mumbled.

"For what?"

"I didn't realize how much pain you're going through until I experienced it."

Riko fell into silence. She removed her hand from his arm as she stared at his somber face, his eyes unable to hide the torture he was cradling inside.

"Are you going to get her back?" She asked in a whisper.

"No."

"Why? Because of your pride?"

There was a brief pause between them. Jiro did not immediately respond and lifted his gaze to the beautiful stars gracing the night sky instead. Riko followed his gaze, a sense of peace enveloping her as realization and acceptance started settling inside her.

"This is how much I love her", he said in a strained voice. "A lot of people will not understand why I'm doing this, but this is the reality that I have to face. Others are fortunate enough to have the luxury of making decisions based on their present, while people like me has to think hard and make decisions based on our future. Dara and I are orphans; we don't have any relatives to support us when we stumble. And with what I am, things will get harder for both of us. I've seen her cry so many times when we were together. I'm slowly breaking her, that's why I chose to step away."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued gazing at the stars. "Her father once told me of his dream – for her daughter to be married to a good family that would shelter her. I promised to protect his dream. But I don't have a family, Riko. And I can't shelter and protect her, because I'm the one destroying her. How can I protect her from me? That's why, I-...", Jiro inhaled deeply before continuing, "..I need to let her go."

Riko knew she lost. Her eyes started to mist, and she was not able to control her tears from falling as she continued staring at the starry sky. She was crying for a love that she lost, and surprisingly, she was crying for him...the guy who couldn't stay with the one he loved.

Dara Ramirez.

She is his wound that will never heal...his failure that he cherishes. He chose to let her go and step away. He chose not to reach for her again for one reason alone. It was not his pride...it was his love.

Writer's Note:

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