Save Me: Chapter 19

When I get off the school bus on Monday, James leans against the fence to the sports field and greets me with a wry smile.

After what happened a week ago in his parents’ company, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy to see him waiting for me in the morning.

‘Hi,’ I say a little breathlessly as I come to a stop in front of him.

His smile widens. Apparently, he’s also happy to see me. ‘Hey.’

He lets his gaze wander over my face, and again there is this unfamiliar feeling in my stomach. I wonder if my skin would tingle if he touched me the way he did on Friday. I quickly push the thought into a dark corner of my head. ‘Are you my escort to-day?’

His smile doesn’t slip a bit. ‘I thought we could go to the Assembly together and save you from each other’s questions.’

The next moment, he nods in the direction of school and starts moving. I hook my fingers into the straps of my backpack and follow him.

‘How… What was the rest of your weekend?’ I ask hesitantly.

‘I went out to dinner with my family yesterday.’

He doesn’t say more. I give him a questioning sideways glance. He notices him, and his smile slowly disappears.

‘My aunt Ophelia was visiting. You and my father don’t get along very well.’

For a moment I am speechless that he entrusts me with something so private. I didn’t expect that, especially after he told me how badly he and his sister were cheated on in the past by people they trusted. On the other hand, I also told him something about myself on Friday. He must have noticed how difficult it was for me. And maybe he’s like me now. Perhaps he also senses that something has changed and does not want us to return to the tense way in which we dealt with each other before.

Hope germinates in me. I have no idea what is called what has developed between James and me – friendship? More? Less? – but I’d like to find out, bit by bit.

‘Was there a quarrel?’

He buries his hands in his trouser pockets. ‘Our family reunions are never particularly peaceful. The Beaufort Companies actually belong to my mother and her sister. But since my parents got married, my father has taken over quite a lot and also changed a lot of things in the company that go against the grain for some – especially Ophelia,’ he explains.

‘Does she also work for the company?’ I ask curiously.

James growls in agreement. ‘Yes, but she has no say in the main enterprise. She is five years younger than my mother and was therefore always left out a bit. She is more concerned with the subsidiaries or those of which my parents have bought shares.’

I wonder how Ember would feel if our parents bequeathed us a company, but she – just because she is the younger of the two of us – had no say at all. No wonder that there is a thick air at the Beaufort family reunions.

‘Lately, she has disagreed with a number of decisions, so the mood has been pretty bad. But… It was okay. I’ve had worse family evenings,’ he says with a shrug, and together we turn left onto the path that leads to Boyd Hall.

A girl overtakes us, with whom I have history together. When she sees James and me together, her eyes widen. I close my fingers a little tighter around the straps of my backpack and swallow hard. Nevertheless, I raise my chin and return her gaze defiantly until she turns away and quickly moves on.

‘Hey, not so aggressive,’ says James, bumping his shoulder lightly against me.

‘What else am I supposed to do? When she stares, I just stare back.’

He steps in front of me, so that I can’t go any further. ‘You let it get to you too much. You must be indifferent to it. Let them say what they want about you.’

‘But I am not indifferent.’

‘And? They don’t need to know that. You just have to look like you don’t care about any of it. Then they’ll leave you alone.’

Suddenly, his facial expression changes – now his eyelids are lowered a bit, his brows are relaxed and the corners of his mouth are slightly upwards. It’s his look, I don’t give a, and he looks so arrogant with it that I would like to shake him. ‘You look as if you could take a beating.’

‘I look as if I would like a spanking very much. That’s the difference,’ he replies, nodding his chin at me. Now you.’

I try to imitate his facial expression. Judging by the twitching corners of James’ mouth, I don’t really succeed well.

‘Okay. Maybe it’s enough to start if you just don’t look at all your fellow human beings as if you’re imagining them going up in flames.’

We move on, and I try to take his advice to heart. Nevertheless, the queasy feeling increases the closer we get to school. Just before the entrance to Boyd Hall, James puts his hand on the back of my head and strokes it. Just a second, nothing more. It’s probably meant to give me courage, but all of a sudden I’m nervous for a completely different reason. I don’t know how James does it, but a single little touch from him is enough to turn my world upside down. The feeling is completely new to me, different and strange. But somehow also beautiful.

‘Beaufort!’ a voice sounds behind us, and I flinch. Students on their way to the Assembly stream past us, avoiding James and me as we pause again.

James turns around, and I reluctantly do the same.

Wren and Alistair come up the steps to us and stop in front of us. ‘Hey, Ruby.’ Wren rubs the back of his head almost embarrassed. ‘Sorry about Friday.’

I’m not sure if he’s really just apologizing for the pool thing or also for the way he harassed me at the beginning of the party. I can’t ask him without James getting wind of the thing with Wren and me. The fact that he apologizes to me is certainly only due to James, but I’m still happy about it.

So I just nod and say, ‘It’s okay. You didn’t throw me into the pool.’

Wren grins at me in surprise, as if he had expected a completely different reaction.

As if by magic, my eyes wander to Alistair, who is watching me silently. One look at his face is enough to make it clear to me that he knows. He knows that I was the one who caught him and Kesh in the library.

Cautiously, I smile at him. He doesn’t reciprocate. His lips are narrow, bloodless lines.

‘Can we go in?’ asks James, looking around. We hum in agreement and climb the last steps up.

The assembly has just started when we get to Boyd Hall, and we inconspicuously look for seats in the last row. Nevertheless, I feel the gaze of my classmates on me as word slowly spreads about who is sitting next to James Beaufort this morning. One head after the other turns to us as Principal Lexington stands in front and praises the lacrosse team for the outstanding performance on Friday.

I dare to look at James, but his face shows no emotion, nothing that could indicate that he could be uncomfortable with the situation and the murmuring around us. So I swallow, press my lips together and do the same.

After the assembly, James and Wren have math, while Alistair and I have to go to the East Wing for art. Before we say goodbye, James murmurs to me, ‘Think of the beating.’

Although his words are completely innocent, I feel my cheeks getting hot. I ignore it and instead follow Alistair, who has already started moving. The atmosphere between us is still tense, and I feel like I have to say something. But with the best will in the world, I don’t know what.

Alistair makes the decision for me and holds me back by the arm just before the art room. He pulls me aside and looks at me seriously.

‘What you saw on Friday night,’ he begins quietly and then pauses. His gaze twitches to a few students who are just around the corner. He nods at them with a fake smile and waits until they have passed us and disappeared into the art space. Then he turns to me again. ‘You mustn’t tell anyone about it.’

‘Of course not,’ I answer just as quietly.

‘No, Ruby, you don’t understand. You have to promise me. Swear to me that you won’t tell anyone about it,’ Alistair whispers insistently.

‘Why do you think I would?’ I reply.

‘I… It’s just—’ Again he has to take a break because people greet him in passing. ‘Keshav doesn’t want anyone to know about it.’ I can see from the look on his face how difficult it is for him to pronounce these words. All of a sudden, he’s no longer the arrogant, rich snob who beats people up on the lacrosse field. Now he looks incredibly young. And vulnerable.

No wonder. It certainly doesn’t feel good to be with someone who hides you like you’re a dirty secret.

‘I won’t tell anyone about it, Alistair. I promise.’

He nods, and for a brief moment the relief is clearly written all over his face. Then his expression changes, and he looks at me deliberately: ‘If I do find out that you’ve told someone, I’ll make your life hell.’

With these words, he goes into the classroom without giving me another look.

I get through the rest of the school day better than expected. A few people give me strange looks and whisper behind my back, but no one dares to talk to me or tease me about what happened on Friday. James’ escort from the morning probably actually did something.

During my lunch break, I eat with Lin as usual. At least everything seems to me as usual until someone comes to our table.

‘Is there still a vacancy here?’ asks Lydia Beaufort.

Lin and I turn our heads and stare at them. She points with her tray to the chair next to Lin.

‘Yes?’ I answer, sounding more like a question.

Without hesitation, Lydia takes a seat opposite me, spreads a napkin on her lap and begins to eat her penne. Lin gives me a questioning look, but I just shrug my shoulders helplessly. I have no idea what Lydia is doing here. Perhaps James has transferred the office of escort to her? Or she decided to put her words from Friday into action and keep an eye on me from now on.

I look at James, who is sitting at the other end of the cafeteria with his friends. Maybe I’m wrong, but the mood between them seems less exuberant today than usual. James and Alistair seem to be discussing something fiercely, while Keshav stares at his phone next to them and Wren stares at a book. Cyril is nowhere to be seen.

‘He doesn’t know that I sat down with you,’ Lydia says suddenly. She dabs her mouth and takes a sip from her water bottle. ‘I’m here because I wanted to apologize for Friday.’

‘But you didn’t do anything,’ I reply, perplexed.

She shakes her head. ‘My friends and I all misbehaved.’

‘And that’s why you’re having lunch with us now?’ asks Lin skeptically.

Lydia just shrugs her shoulders. ‘I’ve seen them over there vultures. When I sit here, they definitely don’t dare to come here.’ It makes a head movement to a group of students staring in our direction. When they notice that I have turned around, they avert their gaze and put their heads together in a whisper.

‘And besides, I wanted to ask you how you’re doing,’ says Lydia.

I can’t hide my surprise. When I think back to our last conversation, I only see her suspicious look in front of me. She didn’t give me the impression that she cared about my well-being, and I can’t help but wonder if my fall into the pool is really the only reason she’s sitting here at our table.

Nevertheless, I decide to answer your question honestly. ‘I wish that hadn’t happened on Friday. But I’m fine.’

‘Sometimes Cy really doesn’t know when it’s enough,’ she says.

I shrug my shoulders.

‘But I’ve known him since I was little,’ she continues. ‘He really thought it was funny.’

‘What he did was pretty much the opposite of funny,’ Lin interjects, looking surprised when Lydia nods.

‘It was totally wrong. And that’s what I told him.’

I look up surprised by my soup. ‘Really?’

‘Yes. Of course.’

For a moment, I don’t know what to say. Finally, I decide: ‘That was nice of you. Thank you.’

Lydia smiles and turns back to her penne.

I look at Lin the moment she looks at me. I shrug my shoulders again inconspicuously, then we also devote ourselves to our food.

After a while, Lin begins to talk about her morning, which started with her car not wanting to start. At first, it seems strange to me to make small talk while Lydia is sitting next to us, but she participates in our conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and finally I stop wondering what her ulterior motives might be. Maybe she really just wanted to be nice and apologize to me. She wouldn’t be the first in this family to surprise me.

When we have finished eating, I pull my backpack onto my lap and take out a small can, which I place in the middle of the table.

‘The cookies are left over from the weekend,’ I say and lift the lid. ‘Would you like one for dessert?’

Lydia’s eyes light up. ‘Did you bake them yourself?’

‘Together with Lin and my sister,’ I say. ‘On Saturday, in my pyjamas.’

‘That sounds wonderful,’ she says and takes one of the cookies. ‘And so much better than my Saturday.’ She bites off a piece and chews deliberately. ‘Oh, it’s really tasty.’

‘Thank you.’ I smile. ‘James told me you had family over.

‘Yes, that’s always… especially. To be honest, I would have preferred to spend the day in my pyjamas.’

I can’t imagine someone like Lydia in pajamas at all, and when I try, I have to grin.

After the lunch break, Lin and I go to the group room to prepare for today’s meeting. While I write the agenda on the whiteboard, Lin hands out the handouts that we have just printed out in the secretary’s office. Then we wait for the others, who arrive one by one. As always, James sits down on the seat by the window. He puts the black notebook on the table in front of him and crosses both arms in front of his chest. The familiar sight gives me a sting because it makes it clear to me that it doesn’t matter whether James and I understand each other or not: He’s not here voluntarily. On the contrary, his presence prevents him from practicing lacrosse and is therefore a punishment he hates.

‘Ruby?’ Kieran stepped next to me unnoticed.

‘Hm?’ I say and look at him. Kieran is only a little bit taller than me. His black hair falls straight into his face, and he shakes it to the side.

‘I wanted to ask if you have time today after the meeting? The selection of orchestras I’ve picked out is quite large, and I thought I’d discuss them with you before I choose the final three.’

‘Wait a minute,’ I murmur and look at my calendar. It only says Plan your birthday with Mum & Dad, nothing else. ‘Sure.’

Kieran smiles with relief. ‘Great.’

He goes back to his seat, which is diagonally adjacent to James’s. Our eyes cross, and a mocking smile plays at the corners of his mouth as he looks back and forth between Kieran and me.

‘What?’ I form with my lips.

James picks up his cell phone. A little later, mine shines on the table in front of me.

He likes you.

I roll my eyes and ignore him.

‘Okay, guys. Get us up to speed,’ Lin begins the meeting shortly afterwards, pointing with her hand to Jessalyn, who is sitting to her right.

‘I have obtained several offers for the decoration. One of the contacts made a really good offer.’ Jessa gives the printed portfolio to the round. ‘Thanks again for the tip, Beaufort.’

Surprised, I look at James, who nods at Jessa. As often as his gaze wanders out of the window to the sports field, I would not have thought that he would have gotten involved in something without being asked. And even without me noticing.

‘I’ve done a few drafts for the invitations,’ Doug says next, handing Lin a USB stick. She pockets it and opens the presentation. ‘The first proposal is more classic and is based on last year’s invitation,’ Doug explains.

I look at the ornate golden letters on a black background, but before I can form an opinion, Camille says, ‘I thought we wanted to deliberately distance ourselves from last year’s party.’

The others growl in agreement.

‘Okay, let’s get to the second suggestion,’ Doug continues, nodding to Lin to click on.

The next invitation is designed in bright colors typical of Halloween.

‘It doesn’t look as elegant as I imagined a Victorian celebration,’ Kieran interjects hesitantly.

I nod. ‘To be honest, I think so too.’

At Doug’s sign, Lin clicks to the next suggestion. A murmur goes through the room, and I sit straight as a bolt. The next moment, I lean down close to the screen and look at the invitation with squinted eyes.

It is designed in the look of old paper. The occasion on the paper head is written in squiggly yet legible letters, just below … I can be seen. With James, who bows and gently holds my hand in his, as if he were asking me to dance.

It’s one of the pictures that was taken on the Saturday we were in London. I can’t believe he sent them on to Doug without my knowledge. I look up from the screen of the laptop and look at James across the room. He returns my gaze with sparkling eyes.

‘The invitation looks great,’ Jessa says after a while. A murmur of approval goes through the room.

‘The dress is simply a dream. You don’t happen to have a few more of them?’ Jessa asks James.

He shakes his head. ‘I can be happy that I got things at all.’

‘The invitation is great, Doug.’ Lin turns to the canvas to see it in large format. Then she gets up and takes a few steps backwards. ‘I think the key data could be made a bit more modern. Maybe in a different script or something?’

‘I think so too,’ I agree and try not to let it be known how insecure I am about the picture. If we agree on this invitation, my face will be seen throughout the school – all over Pemwick! –hang. I don’t know if I’m ready for this kind of attention. Unfortunately, this is not up for debate either – the team is enthusiastic and is already discussing commissioning the same printing company as last time.

Again my gaze falls on the picture. To James in his Victorian suit, my hand in his. When I think about how it felt to be so close to him and how charged this moment was between us, I get very warm. For the rest of the meeting, I don’t dare to take a single look in James’ direction.

When we are done, Jessa, Camille and Doug say goodbye. While Kieran comes over to me so we can watch the orchestras on Lin’s laptop, I see out of the corner of my eye how Lin walks up to James. She sits down next to him and begins to talk to him. Frowning, I watch him nod and write something down in his notebook. I realize that Kieran is talking to me too late.

‘Sorry, what did you say?’ I ask.

‘That I think the party is going to be the best we’ve ever had at Maxton Hall,’ he repeats, smiling at me.

‘That would be great. We have been working on the planning for so long. I can’t wait for it to finally happen.’

‘Neither do I. You must reserve a dance for me.’ Kieran is still smiling and looking at me through black eyelashes.

He likes you.

Lin has been saying this to me for months. Could it be that they are right? For me, Kieran has always been just the ambitious little vampire from the year Among Us. I thought that he would be nice to me because he hopes that I will then bring him into the conversation for the team management next year. It would never have occurred to me that he could have a crush on me.

Suddenly I notice how close Kieran sits next to me and that our knees almost touch under the table. I slide a bit to the side, but the next moment I’m annoyed about it. The situation is completely innocent. Why do I let James’ words suddenly throw me off my game?

I give him an angry look at him at the exact moment he looks at me. Unlike me, he doesn’t do this furtively, but really obviously. I would like to stick my tongue out at him. But since that wouldn’t be a particularly adult choice, I look at Kieran with a beaming smile instead and nod. ‘Of course. I just have to learn how to do it properly.’

‘I’ll show you at the rehearsal,’ Kieran says, and I could swear I see a slight blush on his cheeks. Oh man.

‘Good. Okay,’ I say, louder than intended. I clear my throat. ‘Shall we listen to the music now?’

We get out our headphones and go through the audio samples of the orchestras Kieran has chosen. Then we look at reviews on the Internet and sort them out.

‘I think I’d suggest the three to the others. The best thing to do is to get quotes in advance, and then we’ll just decide on Wednesday or Friday which one is best,’ I say finally.

Kieran nods. ‘All right.’

‘Great,’ I say with a smile and take the headphones out of my ear. I open my planner and grab my pink pen to jot down the tasks discussed today.

‘You’ll be eighteen on Saturday?’ he asks, amazed.

Immediately I close my planner again. I try not to let it show, but I’m uncomfortable that Kieran caught a glimpse inside. This is something like my diary and definitely not meant for the eyes of strangers. ‘Yes,’ I say after a short pause.

‘And what are you going to do?’

Lin chooses this moment to join our conversation from her seat next to James. ‘We’ll do—’ She falls silent when I give her a warning look. In Maxton Hall, it’s nobody’s business what I do on my birthday. This is my personal life, and I don’t want others to know about it. ‘Nothing special,’ she finally finishes, pressing her lips tightly together.

‘You didn’t even say you’re going to grow up soon,’ James interjects and stands up. He raises both arms above his head and stretches. ‘Why am I not invited?’

‘Because you don’t know how to behave,’ I reply.

‘I’ll show you how well I can behave,’ he says, but it sounds like the exact opposite. Suddenly I have to think about the party again. Not to the pool and everything that came after. But of the moment on the dance floor when I stumbled against James and felt his upper body on mine. He looked at me the same way, with that outrageous sparkle in his eyes that makes my stomach tingle.

I need to collect myself and remember where we are before I reply, ‘You’re not invited, James.’

‘Okay.’ Again, it sounds as if he is not saying ‘Okay’, but rather ‘We’ll see’.

Kieran stands up and shoulders his bag. ‘We’ll hear each other again later, won’t we?’ I nod, and he leaves the room with a hand gesture that is half waving, half high five.

Then I stow my planner in my backpack and shut down Lin’s laptop. I push him into his protective case and get up. ‘Are you still staying, or shall I lock it?’

James and Lin shake their heads. ‘We’re done, too.’

While the two of them also pack up their things, I watch them suspiciously. I want to know what they discussed with each other. Hopefully Lin didn’t tell him about my birthday plans. Even though I confided in James an important part of me on Friday, there are things he doesn’t need to know. And the fact that I’m going to spend the evening of my eighteenth birthday playing games with Lin and my family is undoubtedly one of them.

‘Rutherford is totally into you,’ says James after we leave the library.

‘That’s such nonsense,’ I say, shaking my head.

‘I think he’s got a thing for you,’ Lin James agrees unnecessarily.

I give her a look.

‘What? I’ve been telling you this for years. How he reads your every wish from your eyes and is always so incredibly nice. It’s really, really obvious.’

‘How is that obvious? Nothing is obvious there. He’s nice to me because I’m the leader of the team. He must be nice to me.’

Lin smiles at me and pats my arm. ‘Okay, I’ll correct. It’s obvious to everyone except you. »

James laughs softly, and I glare at him. I would love to know what happened that the two suddenly get along so well. I don’t remember them ever agreeing before, let alone exchanging amused glances over my head. I’m not sure I can endorse this development.

I’m almost a little relieved when Lin says goodbye to me shortly afterwards with a hug and turns onto the path that leads to the parking lots.

James insists on taking me to the bus. ‘You give the poor boy hope,’ he says suddenly.

‘What’s your problem, James? Are you jealous?’ That’s the only counterattack I can think of in a hurry. But when he doesn’t answer and I give him a sideways glance, I see that he has his hands buried in his trouser pockets and is frowning straight ahead.

‘If anyone teaches you how to dance,’ he says after a short pause, ‘it’s me.’

‘You’re not serious,’ I manage incredulously. ‘Are you really jealous of Kieran?’

‘No.’ He still doesn’t look at me. ‘But I don’t want the guy to get the wrong idea.’

‘What kind of thoughts?’ I ask.

‘That you only have to be sucked up to make you smile. That’s pathetic.’

Abruptly, I stop. ‘Excuse me? I suppose I’m smiling too, without anyone sucking up to me!’

Finally he turns to me, but I can’t interpret the look in his dark eyes. ‘Really? You’ve never smiled at me like that.’

‘Because you haven’t given me many reasons to smile so far.’

For a moment he just stares at me. I don’t understand why he’s like that all of a sudden. He seems, and I can’t follow his argumentation. Before the mood between us can change any further, I decide to change the subject. ‘Thank you for taking care of me today.’

He just nods.

‘Really. Nobody made a fool of me today. If you hadn’t escorted me to school and the assembly, it would have looked different,’ I continue.

When he continues to be silent, I continue. ‘Your sister sat down with us in the cafeteria today and—’

Suddenly, James touches my arm and steps in front of me. I hold my breath and look up at him in surprise. His gaze is surprisingly serious.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

‘What are you sorry about?’ I ask quietly.

‘That I haven’t given you so many reasons to look at me the way you looked at Kieran earlier.’

‘James—’

‘I’m going to change that,’ he continues, looking deep into my eyes.

I swallow dry. My stomach suddenly feels queasy, my knees weak. I am aware of his touch on my arm, can clearly feel his light caress through the fabric of my blazer. Goosebumps spread across my arms. The need to touch him as well comes over me suddenly and completely unprepared. I don’t want to do much. Putting my hands on his hip to hold me tight would be enough. But I can’t. That just doesn’t work. Just like this miserable breathlessness when he comes so close to me, or the tingling in my stomach when he looks at me like that.

‘My bus is coming,’ I manage and break away from it.

The intensity does not disappear from his gaze. I turn around and sprint off so that I am no longer completely defenceless at her mercy. I have never been so happy to be able to get on the school bus.