: Chapter 17

When I returned for dinner the next day, Sara was stirring a pot with Ragú. She stiffened when I came in, and her expression burst with anxiety. I’d hoped last night and the evenings of us sitting on the sofa, watching a series or movie, would make tonight easier. But scheduled intimacy always messed with the mind.

If we both suffered through dinner in this atmosphere, we would never be relaxed for what came after. “Are you hungry?” I asked, not sitting down.

Sara peered down at her sauce. “Not really, but I won’t let you eat alone.”

I walked over to her, took the spoon out of her hand, and put it down on the cutting board, then turned off the stove.

“We can eat later.”

She swallowed, understanding what I meant.

“Lead the way,” I said, wanting her to go on her own terms. She nodded and began walking, her hand slack in mine. I wished I knew what was going on inside her head. On the other hand, it was probably better for my chances of getting it up that I didn’t.

My heart was pounding in my chest as if this were my first time. Fuck, I had been more confident before that even as a fourteen-year-old boy. We stepped into her bedroom, and I closed the door, then released Sara.

“I’ll take a shower,” she said.

I grabbed her arm. “Don’t.”

“But—” Her gaze lingered almost longing on the bathroom door. She was nervous. Fuck, so was I. Too much was at stake.

“You had yoga in the afternoon. I know you shower afterward. I doubt you’ve rolled around in dirt since then. It’ll be fine,” I said firmly. In her new quest to become as healthy as possible, she’d started doing yoga once or twice a week with Isa.

I didn’t want the taste of soap in my mouth. This would be hard enough; I didn’t need any additional factors that would make this a sterile experience.

She released a small breath, and a flicker of determination filled her eyes. She had a goal in mind, becoming a mother. She wanted to get this over with, and I wanted to salvage this marriage somehow, even if it was doomed from the start.

She began to unbutton the neckline of her dress, revealing a white lace bra. I would have preferred to undress her slowly, but I let her do what she obviously needed to do to feel at ease. She quickly slipped her dress over her head until she stood in front of me in her underwear. Sara was a gorgeous woman, and since she’d started eating more in her mission to become pregnant, she’d regained the curves she’d had before her life got ruined. I wasn’t sure how she could have ever doubted her attractiveness, but I’d seen how surprised she’d been by my admittance yesterday.

Remembering her words, I tugged my shirt over my head, then moved toward her. She tensed but didn’t move away. “Can we turn off the lights?” she asked. The note of pleading in her tone broke through my determination. “Sure.”

I flipped the switch and bathed us in darkness. Only the hallway light coming through the crack of the door filtered in. I could just make out her outline as she headed for the bed and lay down. The rustling of the sheets was the only sound in the room. I wondered if Sara even held her breath. I sank down beside her. “You have to tell me if you don’t want something and also if you enjoy my touch.”

“Okay.”

Then silence.

I took a deep breath. I had a plan, and it had to work.

I lay down beside her, propped up on my side. I liked passionate sex, but Sara and I both needed to take it slow tonight. I touched her shoulder.

“Maximus—”

I paused, my fingers resting on the silky skin of her upper arm.

“I’m scared.”

“I told you I want to make this good for you. I know I hurt you the last times, but today, I’ll do everything I can to make sure it won’t hurt, and if it does, that it’ll be good soon after.”

“I’m not scared of the pain. I never really was,” she whispered. “I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect. What if I can’t feel good because of what happened? What if the memories hold me back?”

I leaned over her. “Did you enjoy our kiss yesterday?”

“Yes.”

“Then trust your body to enjoy this too.” My heart hammered in my chest. Fuck. I was nervous. But I’d be damned if I admitted that to Sara. She had enough baggage to carry. She didn’t need to carry mine too. “I wish I could take the memories from you. But I can’t. I can only replace them with better memories.” I swallowed. “I’m good at this. Don’t think, just allow yourself to fall.”

I knew I was asking a lot.

She nodded. But her expression remained veiled by the dim light.

“I’m going to kiss you,” I warned. Our lips brushed slightly like last night, and the same sparks I’d felt back then surged through my body. That such a simple kiss, under these circumstances no less, gave me these kinds of sensations and hope for our future. I kissed the corner of her mouth and her chin, then moved back up to the corner of her mouth. Drawing in her scent, I brushed my lips over hers before I nibbled at her lower lip, testing the waters. Her eyes fluttered closed as she parted her lips. I trailed my tongue over her lip before I deepened our kiss. For the first time, I could really taste my wife. And fuck, she was perfect. I savored our kiss, every stroke of her tongue, every exhale against my lips. I should have kissed her like this sooner.

Slowly, I moved down her throat and over her collarbone, my lips tracing her skin. This slow approach was new to me too, but the feel of Sara’s silky skin and her sweet rose scent made it worthwhile.

I kissed the swell of her breast, then her nipple through the fabric before I moved on to her other breast and repeated the same motions. Her quickened breathing filled the silence. Her nipples puckered under my ministrations. I tugged down her bra and allowed my lips to discover her nipple, even if I couldn’t see much. I closed my lips around it and sucked gently. Sara drew in her breath, but as my eyes grew used to the darkness, I could see that her fingers were still pressed flat against the linen. I wanted fingernails raking over my back and hands ripping at the sheets.

I pulled back and brushed my thumb over her hardened nipple, loving how much firmer it felt, then I blew against it. She twitched, her hand gripping my bicep as if she needed something solid to hold on to, but she was still tense. I left kisses on every inch of her skin as I moved lower. Her breathing hitched when I kissed the skin below her belly, then her hip bone. I avoided her panties for now and kissed a trail down her thigh to her calf, only to work my way back up to her knee. Her perfect skin felt smooth and warm under my fingertips and lips. I touched her thigh and pushed her legs apart. My lips grazed the inside of her thigh, slowly moving up. I lightly brushed my fingertips over her panties. The fabric wasn’t wet yet, which only made me more determined to give her pleasure. At the end of the night, I wanted Sara to be sweaty and exhausted from several orgasms.

I kissed along the edge of her panties. At first, she’d hardly dared to breathe, but now her panting served as the jungle drum that spurred me on. I could smell her pussy, a subtle muskiness that spoke to a primal part of me. I kissed her pubic bone through the lace, then her pussy, loving how her pussy lips yielded under the pressure. Focusing only on her scent and the feel of her, I kept kissing her pussy through her panties until I couldn’t take it anymore. I slid my tongue over her slit, wedging her panties between her lips. Her breathing hitched, and her fingers tightened on my biceps. Those were the only markers I had as guidance.

Apart from that, she was quiet and motionless, but I hadn’t expected anything else. I had to let my instinct guide me in this and what my nose was picking up: that the musky scent had increased. Lifting my head, I hooked my fingers in her panties and slid them down her body. Then I returned my lips to her silky pussy lips and resumed kissing them. The tip of my tongue parted them, and I felt the smooth skin hiding within and tasted her subtle saltiness. I gently stroked along her slit, loving the feel of her pussy lips around my tongue. Sara’s breathing deepened further, then halted in her chest when I brushed my tip over her clit. I circled it for a bit to see how she liked it, and from the sounds of her panting, I would say a lot. Then I brushed it with the flat of my tongue. I pushed her legs a bit farther apart and began to lick over her clit. After a while of her pants and her aroma growing stronger, I dove deeper, my tongue seeking her entrance. It was soaked, her lust immediately coating my tongue. She tasted so sweet. I had done this. My heart seemed to skip a beat only to gallop even faster next.

I exhaled against her, and my cock sprang to life, blood finally filling it rapidly. Sara’s lust turned me on, and it was all I needed to get it up. I’d been too tense before and hadn’t allowed myself to enjoy any part of this before I knew Sara did too. My cock had hardened painfully—without any mental tricks.

It didn’t matter that she still wanted the lights out. This wasn’t about me. This was about her. One day, she’d be able to look into my eyes when we had sex and not see our past.

I was overwhelmed by the sensations. I was still nervous, but Maximus’s touch created so many unexpected feelings inside me that I hardly had the time or the capacity to focus on my nerves.

I glanced down carefully, not wanting Maximus to know I was watching him. It was dark, but not dark enough that a man like him wouldn’t realize he was being watched. His head hovered between my legs, bobbing back and forth lightly as his tongue stroked my sensitive flesh. His tip traced my inner lips and my opening, parting me gently with every caress.

I felt hot and soppy, needy and desperate for more. I felt like the Sara I never got the chance to be.

Maximus cupped my clit and sucked lightly.

The muscles in my legs tightened, my core clenched, and a flood of wetness pooled out. Maximus rumbled like a bear and dove down to lick up my arousal. I grabbed the top of his head in shock. This felt so dirty and animalistic, something I’d never thought sexy. Bodily fluids had never seemed appealing, but the way Maximus ate me up made me reconsider my assessment. Maximus pulled me harder against his mouth. I could feel his last reservations crumbling, could feel him becoming less careful, and it felt so good. My lips formed an “oh” when he pushed his tongue into me and began to stroke my inner walls. My hips shifted as the sensations grew. Maximus’s thumb rubbed wetness over my clit while his tongue kept thrusting into me. My muscles quivered, and the heat in my core became close to unbearable. A choked cry tumbled from my lips, my legs clamping around Maximus’s head as a wave of pure pleasure exploded from my pussy all through my body, lighting up my nerves like a firework. I clung to Maximus’s arm as I basked in the sensations. It was over far too soon, but at the same time, it felt as if I couldn’t take much more of it.

My chest heaved as I tried to wrap my mind around what had just happened. Maximus sat up. Even in the near dark, I could see him watching me with hungry, possessive eyes. If my head hadn’t already felt hot, I would have flushed now. He stretched out beside me, his breathing faster and deeper than before. We lay like that for a while, then he turned around to me. I thought he’d sleep with me now, but then I felt his hand on my thigh, lightly stroking the sensitive skin there before he moved up between my legs and slowly pushed a finger into me. My teeth buried into my lower lip as I savored the sensation.

“Is this good for you?”

I was far better than good. It felt as if the friction lit up my entire body.

I nodded quickly, not sure I could form words. He slid his finger back out, then slipped it back in. Over and over, soon moving faster and harder. My body yearned for more. As if he could sense my need, he added a second finger. The penetration felt entirely different from during our previous sexual encounters. My body was eager for every thrust, seeking the friction and the delicious sensations it brought. Soon, I was panting uncontrollably again. I knew Maximus was watching me. I could feel his hot breath on my shoulder. His touch didn’t leave room for self-doubt. The sensations were too strong, too overpowering, and when they cumulated and crashed down on me like a wave, I let out a loud moan I’d never considered myself capable of.

Maximus exhaled as he slowed his thrusts until he stilled completely inside me. He pulled his fingers out of me and rested his hand on my belly. My body felt heavy, and the place between my legs was hot and wet.

“Are you ready for sex?” Maximus asked.

I doubted I could ever feel more ready than I did now. Physically at least. I was still scared of my mind. Would it torture me with memories I didn’t want? Or would it allow me to just enjoy the present? “Yes.”

Maximus stretched out beside me. “Maybe it would be good to have you ride me.”

“The chances of conception are higher in a lying position.” It wasn’t the only reason I preferred the missionary position. Sitting on top of Maximus felt too exposing, and I wasn’t experienced enough to feel that daring.

His silence told me it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted. But making a baby was what this was about, even if the unexpected bonus of pleasure had been added to the equation. “And we definitely don’t want to have to do it again, right?”

His sarcasm hit me unprepared. I swallowed. I wasn’t sure where his anger came from. Was he furious because we had to have sex? Was he angry because I wanted him to make me a baby?

“I shouldn’t have said that,” he muttered. But I could tell that he had spoken his true feelings. “We do whatever you want, Sara. If you want me on top, then that’s what we’ll do.”

“Thank you,” I said, suddenly not quite as aroused as before. After he sat up, he moved between my legs and stretched out on top of me, but he kept most of his weight off.

He pressed a kiss against my lips, catching me off guard again, but this time in a far more pleasant way. I’d always imagined kissing as something wonderful and connecting, and was sad I never got to experience it in that way. “We need to turn your head off again,” he murmured, moving his hand between our bodies. His fingers found my clit and rubbed it, spreading my own arousal on it.

Soon, I was panting again, my body preparing for another release, but then Maximus pulled his hand away and pressed his tip against my opening.

I drew in a deep breath through my nose, preparing for what came next. This part had always been very uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up that it would be better this time. Even in the dark, I could tell Maximus regarded my face with soul-searching intensity as he shifted his hips. My walls yielded to the pressure, and his tip slipped in.

“Oh.” I exhaled at the fullness that had a very different quality to it than before. As he slid deeper, I could feel every inch of him stroking my sensitive walls. My lashes fluttered, delicious lust filling my core. I still felt stretched and the hint of soreness, but pleasure overshadowed everything. Nothing of what had happened so far reminded me of the past.

Maximus stilled when he was all the way inside me, his expression tight and controlled. “Are you alright?”

His deep rumble made my core clench. He hissed and tensed on top of me. I felt him shift, and the lights came on dimly. “Sara?”

“It feels good,” I admitted, blinking against the soft glow of the lamp on my nightstand. “I need you to move.”

Realization flooded his face, then he smiled. “Your wish is my command.” He pulled back a few inches, then pushed back in with more force than before. I pressed my hands against the mattress, not sure what to do with them. I felt restless.

“Grab my ass. That way, you can show me if you want more.”

After a moment of hesitation, I put my palms on Maximus’s firm ass. It flexed with every thrust. It gave another dimension to what was happening and turned me on even more. Soon, I clung to his ass cheeks and urged him to move deeper and faster.

I could barely breathe, much less think straight. My body was flooded with so much pleasure that I could feel it from my clenched toes up to my puckered nipples.

Maximus’s lips found mine in a messy kiss. “Come for me.”

“You too,” I breathed out.

“Your orgasm will milk my cock, honey, don’t worry.”

His words sent me over the edge. My core clenched as pleasure radiated through my body. My nails sank into Maximus’s ass, my eyes closing in surrender of the powerful lust. Maximus let out a groan, his ass cheeks clenching under my palms, followed by his cock growing even harder inside me, and then I could feel his release deep inside me, filling me up.

My lips parted as I panted, exhausted and mesmerized by the sight of Maximus’s lust-filled expression. During our previous encounters, his expression had been taut with concentration. Seeing him unrestrained like this and knowing he could be like this with me loosened a knot in my chest.

He pushed up on his arms as if he wanted to get up. I squeezed his ass. “Don’t.”

He frowned down at me.

“Our chances are higher if you stay in me for a few more minutes.” My cheeks heated, not just because of the words I’d said but also because it wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want him to pull out yet. My body clung to him, and I simply didn’t want to lose the feeling of our intimate connection. I wanted to enjoy it a little longer. Who knew if I’d ever feel it again?

He lowered himself back on his elbows without a word. The tenseness had returned to his face. No sign of the previous relaxedness anymore. “Of course. We have to make sure this works.”

I peered up at his face, trying to determine the emotion behind the words, but Maximus had closed me off again. Our intimate moment turned awkward soon, and I began to wiggle. “I think we’re fine now.”

Maximus shoved up and got out of bed. “I’ll grab a shower. You probably can’t join me?” He looked at me over his shoulder, already on his way to the bathroom.

I shook my head. I lifted my hips off the mattress because I’d read somewhere that would help. Maximus regarded me for a couple more heartbeats before he left without another word.

I closed my eyes and touched my lower belly. I could still feel the aftershocks of my orgasm and the hot sensation of Maximus’s release inside me. With a glance at the closed bathroom door, I slid my hand lower to feel my pussy. It felt swollen in a way I had never thought possible, and my light touch ignited a new desire that surprised me. With a small smile, I closed my eyes and relished in the sensations.

Eventually, I lowered my hips back to the mattress. The bathroom door opened, and Maximus stepped out, a towel wrapped around his narrow hips. I allowed myself to take in his muscled chest and the tattoos adorning his skin before I realized what I was doing and met his gaze. His expression was wary, and the contentment I’d felt evaporated. In the light from the bathroom, I suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed. I grabbed the sheets and sat up, covering my body.

“I’m heading to bed now,” Maximus said, then paused.

I licked my lip, wondering if I should ask him to stay. I realized I would have liked that. His proximity that had been strange to me before now felt almost familiar. Our movie evenings and now our first enjoyable sex made me want to be even closer to him.

“I’ll leave on the light in case you want to use the bathroom. Sleep tight,” he said as he headed toward the bedroom door. I realized I’d missed the right moment to ask for him to stay. With a heavy heart, I watched him leave and close the door.