Superstition at Best

Savannah

I can’t sleep.

My medication isn’t working and I don’t want to worry anyone.

Damon is finally asleep.

Everything is quiet.

All but me.

I need answers. I need the truth. Whatever it is, I can’t take living in the unknown. I can’t stand these what ifs.

I said I would let it go while Grams and the boys were here, to not argue or break down in front of them, but I can’t do this.

Darrion got up at the end of the meal—Grams didn’t waste any time on hauling his ass out with Daxon and Dane going right after her.

They took her home.

I don’t know what to do.

There’s so much of this story I don’t know and it’s mine. It’s my story and I’m starting to feel like I’m not…

I’m not me.

I have never fit in with my family but I’ve always been loved.

If…if what they say is true, that my parents turned in their club to ride away into the sunset in the free and clear, then…where does that leave me?

Bad people, or shitty choices made in a younger self didn’t and couldn’t make them bad parents.

I have no complaints on that front.

I don’t understand these feelings and the thoughts are just making it worse.

I need answers.

I need them now.

Slowly and carefully I slip out of Damon’s arms and tiptoe on my bedroom floor. My door opening without a sound—that’s obviously a sign right?

My Uncle Jonah is asleep. Percy is asleep.

I can’t wake them to freak out. They deserve to rest. I have been so needy and used so much of their emotional state these last few weeks.

More like a year.

I head downstairs with the thought of Percy’s birthday being a week away. With the anniversary of the crash being a month away.

I don’t think I know who my dad ever was.

Who my mom was.

I know they were great parents but I don’t think I know who they actually were.

I step into my sneakers with no socks. I hate the feeling but I need to know the truth and I won’t find it here. My jacket coming around to cover my bare shoulders.

With my keys in my hand I sneak out of the house and push my bike down the street so starting it up won’t give me away.

After getting far enough away I start us up and pull on my helmet.

I need the truth.

The whole truth.

Driving the twenty minutes to the cowboy superstore, I feel like shit for waking her up, but I can’t do this. I need help.

Coming to the back of the store and kicking my bike stand down, I leave my helmet.

I start walking up to the back door when the outside light blinds me, and the door opens to show Grams in a flannel gown and a patchy, red wool bathrobe.

“About time, I’ve been waiting for you, Bambi. I thought surely you would have been here hours ago.”

My jaw drops at this super witch.

How could she have known when I didn’t know I was coming?

“How did you know?” I walk in and step to the side while taking my jacket off and put it over the crook of my elbow.

“Please, you are Ellie’s daughter. Many a night spent at my kitchen table with that girl and her woes. Many a night spent worrying about that girl and her choices. Mother like daughter.”

Grams snaps her fingers to tell me where to go.

Leading me up her stairs and into the house portions of her store, she points at the yellow-wooded brown chair and pushes a heavy maple box towards me.

The brass clasp has long since been broken off and never been repaired.

A thick layer of grey dust sets over it like a powder film of sneezing material.

“My Nina and Ellie were closer than sisters. That’s how my Nina got mixed up with the likes of Lucien Henley. He would come to drop Ellie off, take them places.

“My Nina fell for the angry loser who cursed the world. She thought she could fix him.

“And I guess she did while she was around. I never saw that boy smile unless it was at her… I hate his guts, and I always will for what he has done to this family.”

She shakes her head in disdain. Sliding the box closer, she takes the thick top off and sets it beside us.

Rows of dingy yellowing paper fill the space in the red-lined box.

Letters.

“Dane said my mom and Nina wrote each other. After my parents left town. But Lucien burned them.”

I pull the first out and unfold it.

My heart jackhammers in my throat as my eyes glaze over with tears.

I could always pick my mom’s handwriting out.

“He did, one night in a drinking rage. But he didn’t get to all of them. Nina couldn’t afford to care for two boys, pregnant, and work all by herself. She worked but needed help.

“So I had her move back home when Lucien was behind bars. Those are some of the happiest memories of my life. My family was here, all home and sitting here at my table.

“Bunny was born two doors down this very hall. So was his momma. This was handed down from three generations in my family. It will likely die with me.”

I slap the tears off my cheek and pat her hand in mine. The squeeze we give each other is enough to move us to what needs to be done.

“Read these, I’ll give you your space. Come and get me when you’re done. I’ll answer whatever I can for you, Bambi. But know this, Ellis and Jeremiah loved you. More than anything in the world.

“No matter what you find, you are Savannah Madis. No one and nothing can take that from you.”

Her wrinkled hand on my cheek, she uses her pointer finger to clear a stray tear and kisses my forehead as she gets up to leave me here to investigate.

I clear my throat and with a heavy heart I start to read the history my mother left behind. I know not for my eyes, but…

~Here we go.~

~“Dear Freyja,”

~I miss you. We haven’t settled yet so don’t ask how this move is going. To say we are up shit’s creek without a paddle is an understatement. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. I hope this money helps.”~

~I’m sorry.~

~Missing you, Hel.”~

~ It looks like Freja is Nina’s road name. Hel is Ellie.”~

I go to the next one and unfold it faster than I did the first.

~“Dear Freyja,~

~We talked to the DA. I’m sorry.~

~Hel.”~

DA? Defense attorney? Fuck, they did snitch out the club.

~“Dear Freyja,~

~I miss you. I miss Gale. I’m sorry. I know you don’t care or want to know. I’m sure hearing from me is like spit in the face. I don’t deserve to hear from you. To know how my godsons are doing or ask for your forgiveness. So I won’t.”~

~Hel.”~

Her godsons?

Darrion and Daxon are my mother’s godsons?

Every letter I open has the trace outline of cash. My mom sent money with every letter.

~“Dear Freyja,~

~Ask the DA for proof. Say it’s circumstantial evidence and ask for the lawyer McGill. I sent over what I know, I kept the gun. It has Barn’s prints on the shell. Use it to get Odin’s sentence reduced.”~

~I miss you.~

~Hel.”~

~Odin is Luci.”~

I keep pulling more and more letters out, eating every word from the page twice before going to the next.

I can’t imagine my mom doing this. Having a gun, talking like this. I can’t.

~“Dear Freyja,~

~I did it.”~

~Hel.”~

What the fuck? Did what? Why are you so secretive? ~I need answers, Mom.~

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~Odin’s sentence has been reduced. Moved closer to you and the boys. I’m sorry.~

~Sister, I’m pregnant.~

~I’m sorry. Hel.”~

There are no dates and no envelopes to check a post date.

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~Loki wants to get married. I can’t do this without you. I’m fucking terrified. I miss you. I’m having a girl. Karma right?~

~Missing you. Hel.”~

~Loki is Jeremiah, then.~

My parents told the story of their proposal every year on their anniversary.

How my dad took mom to this country bumpkin cabin in the middle of nowhere for a romantic getaway, but it was a vacation from hell.

The water was brown, no working electricity and how he didn’t even have a ring.

~She was terrified?~

And they said I was conceived on their honeymoon under a full moon, that’s why I’m so…me?

More lies.

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~Thank you for writing back. I know I don’t deserve it. I can’t keep this a secret from Huns. Loki wants to be the father so bad. I can’t break his heart. Not after all of this. I love him.~

~I love them both. I love this baby more than I ever thought possible. I haven’t even met her yet.~

~I miss you. I miss you so much Freyja. I miss momma Gale. How can I do this without you? This was to get us freedom. A clean break to save everyone. Small time instead of the big we were facing.~

~Everything has come out and into the light. Huns has three years, I know Odin has two. Loki is working with the feds to keep me and you out, it’s too much sister. Everything is far too much and I don’t know how to fix it.~

~I miss you. Hel.”~

~Huns?~

I have to take a moment to cry and clean my face before taking the next letter out.

I don’t really believe in ghosts or whatever. I can’t think about an afterlife because it leads to what ifs and I can’t do it.

But I feel haunted.

By this, and my parents and their past.

Grams said my mom spent so many nights here at this table.

Maybe Nina read these letters here.

Maybe I’m the second generation to have my tears soaked up by this table. Maybe my mom is here with me and is watching all of this unravel.

Too many what ifs.

I take the next letter with a shaky hand and sniffle before starting it back up.

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~I married Loki today.~

~Hel.”~

My fingers run over the letter and feel the grooves in the penciled-in waves. The smokey lead engraving her every letter into the thin once-upon-a-time paper.

I need more.

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~Another baby boy? I’m so happy for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I miss you. I love you my sister. How about Heathcliff for this one? Humble them.~

~Hel.”~

Oh my God, my mom picked Damon’s middle name?! Humble them?

Oh no fucking way.

Of course.

With middle names like Heathcliff and Bartholomew, it was sure to humble them some. That’s fantastic.

~“Dear Freyja,”~

~Could you get a letter to Huns for me? We have a no-contact order. Loki would go batshit if he knew I even asked.~

~Hel.”~

The next letter is still in an unmarked envelope with no date stamp or any marking at all.

Unfolding it, I feel my stomach twist and knot. Like a knife has been stuck in and jabbed around.

~Who is Huns?~

~“Hello Huns,”~

~It’s me. I know, but read this before you tear it up. I had a daughter, and she looks just like you. She’s three weeks old now. Her name is Savannah Gabriele. Like I promised. She has your big brown hazel eyes and caramel brown hair.~

~She screams and fights me already. She’s perfect and beautiful. She’s ours, Huns. I lied and cheated and ran away so I could hide from the truth like I do best. Hate me.~

~Hate me if that is what it will take for you to move on and love someone new. I want to be the one to tell you Loki and I are doing this.~

~We got everyone’s sentence reduced and made promises we have to keep. Deals were made that will keep us apart and safe.~

~She might come looking for you one day. After all, everything done in the night will see the light of day. If she does turn up on your doorstep, know this wasn’t to hurt you. I did love you, Huns.~

~You would have been an excellent father. This wasn’t done in spite of you or to hurt you. Loki…he wants it this way to not cause any more trouble between us. You know how he is, always thinking ahead and the endless possibilities.~

~I want you to know that you will always be my first love. No matter how many years that will pass between us, you will always share a spot in my heart for everything you’ve done for me. You taught me how to love and how to be loved.~

~For you, I will remain grateful and thankful.~

~I love you.~

~Thank you for the love of my life, for giving me my daughter.~

~Hel.”~

No.

~No.~

No.

~No.~

It’s too much.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t.

I can’t do this.

My heart is in my ears and I can’t hear anything.

I can’t think.

Too much.

Too much.

I can’t breathe.

My hands in my hair, I yank it out by the fistfuls, trying to use the pain to bring me back down but it doesn’t work.

Nothing is helping.

~Think, Savannah!~

~Breathing tricks.~

I fall to my knees and stick my head down to start cradling my body and rocking back and forth. I panic list what I’m grateful for over the flash of the letters and my mother’s voice in my head.

~I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.~

~I’m Savannah Madis, I can handle anything.~

I’m not a Madis.

My head pounds, blackness seeps in from the sides like creepy crawly creatures to overwhelm my fraying senses.

I was in the light.

Now I’m not.

I’m not okay.

I’m cold.

I’m alive.

I’m alone.

~Where am I?~