16. Confessions

-finley pov-

I yawn as I take a small sip of coffee and run my fingers through my wet hair. Walking through the door to Kaeden's hospital room after a run home to change my clothes and take a shower while he was in group therapy.

"Hey, how was it?" I ask, puting my bag down on the small bench in the corner of his room next to the empty wardrobe.

"It was okay," He quietly answers and I watch him dig a skinny black crayon into a sheet of paper until it snaps in half.

"What did the crayon ever do to you?" I ask. Taking my coat off and sitting down beside him.

"Nothing, I didn't mean for it to break. I'm just frustrated with myself." He sighs and I look down at the paper filled with speech bubbles.

"Why? What is it?" I ask as I read the word kindness in one bubble.

"I have to list fifty things I like about myself." He says and I take another sip of coffee.

"I could tell you fifty things I like about you, but that wouldn't be of much help huh?" I offer and he bites the edge of his lip.

"Well there's another sheet that I'm supposed to have other people answer," he says and points to the empty sheet on the small desk hovering above his lap.

"I'm sure your friends could fill it up in a heartbeat. They'll be here soon, Noell and Cassie are probably going to be all over you," I reassure him but instead of getting excited at the mention of their names, he seems to retreat back into his shell.

"You don't have to be here Finley. I can do this on my own. You of all people probably have better things to do," He says with a sad croak in his weak voice.

He picks up a dark blue crayon and holds it on the paper. The bandage on his right wrist looked uncomfortable as he looks at the bubble and starts a word, but stops after only one letter before scribbling over it.

"Me? Better things to do? What could be better than hanging out with you all day?" I ask as I pat him on the shoulder.

"I can think of a lot of things better than sitting here with me all day," he says and scratches the back of his head while I keep my hand rested on his shoulder.

"I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot better than an 8 AM art class," I say and he finally loosens up a bit with a small chuckle of laughter.

"You wanna wash your hair before the crew comes to attack?" I ask and thankfully the smile stays.

"You're right, I should probably do that," Kaeden goes to get up and stumbles a bit but I'm right there to catch him.

"Hey, need help?" I ask and he gives a small nod so we can proceed to the bathroom.

"Alright, let's just get your shirt off so we can at least..."

Kaeden leans against the wall as I rim the bottom of his shirt but he holds it down like a life vest of sorts.

"No...I can't," He shakes his head profusely and I pull back.

"Oh, okay okay. Hey, I'm not trying to do anything I swear. I'm only trying to help you," I let go of him and take a step back, but he slides down the wall, unable to keep himself up. I rush to catch him again before he hits the floor.

"I'm sorry, I can't...I know you probably think it's stupid, but they won't let me wear my binder because of the monitors and the way it restricts my breathing and...and," He suddenly starts to shake but I pull him into my arms.

"Hey, hey, hey...calm down. Take a deep breath It's okay. You don't have to explain, It's fine. Come on, take a deep breath. In...out,"

The panic slowly fades away but his body stays defensive as he wraps his arms around his chest to try to hide his insecurities. I reach over to the sink and grab his light blue towel. Wrapping it around his shoulders.

"Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Not when you're with me okay? I think you are perfect. Not everyone can be this strong when the way they look on the outside doesn't exactly match what they know it should be." I gently rub his shoulders and he sighs.

"Sorry, my dysphoria's been acting up a lot these past few weeks," He shares. Without letting go of him, I reach out behind us and turn on the shower.

"You would be proud to know that I actually know what dysphoria is now," I add as he huddles under the water. I pick up a small amount of shampoo and run it through his hair. He wasn't allowed to get his wrist or his leg wet which was why he couldn't do it himself, even if he tried.

"Oh, you do? What? Are you a trans expert?" he jokes and I laugh it off.

"Far from it, but a few days ago; before the incident, I got curious and did a little google search," I run my fingers through his hair before puting in the conditioner.

"I just wanted to know more. I guess I wanted to understand you better because...well the because is unimportant but I'm all up to date on the trans terms," I say and he laughs out loud for a few moments before yelping with pain.

"God, it hurts to laugh because you broke my rib from the CPR," he cries out before we both start laughing again.

"I'm sorry Kae, but I wasn't exactly trying to be gentle," I chuckle and he picks up his head while I turn off the water.

"I know, it's okay. The doctors said if you had just gotten there a few seconds later I would have been a lost cause," he says.

I pick up another towel and ruffle it through his hair. Not paying much attention to the fact his hands were wrapped around my waist for support purposes. I stop ruffling the towel to his short spiky hair for a rare moment he looks into my eyes.

"Thank you, for coming when you did, but what happened to you before?" He asks and I pause for a second, without answering him.

"You have these bruises on your neck as if someone choked you, there's a bruise on your forehead, I know that couldn't have been from saving me," Kaeden continues to pry but stops when I softly caress his wet cheek.

"I have my own scars to deal with. I'm not perfect by any means, but these are old wounds and will heal quickly with time," I say as more of a metaphorical sense.

Trying to avoid going into detail about the fact my ex-boyfriend beat the shit out of me and I almost blew his guts out before running to save Kaeden.

It was a night, I was in a mood, I'd rather move on.

He seems to understand exactly what I mean and doesn't press further. Instead, he reaches up to his cheek and holds my hand in his.

"You know, I use to think you were this huge pain in the ass. I never would have guessed you had this sweetheart side to you," he says.

"Well, I'm happy to see you come to this conclusion. Not everyone who gets to meet the boring sappy version of me," I admit while walking him back to his bed.

"I can see why considering you're always putting up this defensive front. Doesn't it get tiring?" He asks as he sits down on the edge of the bed. Curling his skinny legs into a criss crossed motion. The bandages wrapped around his left thigh looked painful.

"It does, but I think it's a lot better than being nice all the time only to have others take advantage of your kindness. Someone I thought I loved did just that. So now I find it harder and harder to find people I trust." I say before plopping down next to him, picking up my foot to tie my shoe.

"Ah, I understand," He quietly clears his throat.

"Do you think...I'm taking advantage of you?" he asks and I finish tying my shoe. Slowly puting my foot down on the hospital floor.

"No Kaeden. This is different." I reassure him. He runs his fingers through his wet hair while biting his lip again.

"Is it?" He quietly whispers and I wrap my arm around his shoulders.

I press my forehead against his wet hair, unable to hold myself back.

I just graze my lips against his scruffy cheek before the sudden knock on the door scares the shit out of both of us.