5. Unsteady Minds

-Finley pov-

Out of breath, I lean over the bathroom sink.

Not again...

The steam from the hot water coming out of the faucet feels good against my face as I hunch over. The taste of iron fills my mouth as the small crimson droplets falling from my lips hit the water like unmixed food coloring.

Taking in as much air as my lungs could currently handle, I let out a long drained out sigh.

"You okay?"

I look over to see Jamie standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I sigh as I turn off the faucet and step away from the sink to wipe my mouth with a towel.

"Do you need your meds? I could run to boots and get them for you. I was just about to go out for a jog anyway." He offers but I gently shake my head to refuse.

"It's not that bad. Just took me by surprise man, that's all. I'll join you on your run though," I say and he perks up.

"Sure, let's go,"

"I feel like it was all a dream. Last week I was sitting on top of the Swiss Alps on some epic adventure and now I'm here. Just some average university student," Jamie pants as I take a swig from the water bottle. Sitting at the top of Primrose Hill, the sun was just starting to rise in the background with the city of London and all it's smog taking center stage.

"It wasn't all fun and games Jamie," I remind him and his smile fades.

"I still have nightmares about their deaths. Tae and Aiden were so beautiful...It feels like right now at this very moment they're just relaxing in the streets of Paris where they belong with their precious little girl. I find myself hoping for this but there's that sinking feeling at the bottom of my heart that knows it isn't true," He says and wipes the tears, intermingling with his sweat using the bottom of his t-shirt.

Jamie is a strong man, he's probably my future in-law after everything he's gone through with my cousin Mari. He had bullet wounds, an amputated arm, and was nearly beaten to death, yet there wasn't a single tear shed. But the loss had hit us hard and seeing my best friend in tears pissed me off beyond belief.

"And whose fault is that?" I add and Jamie's face wrinkles up.

"It's not Lei's fault Fin. He did all that he could to save them," Jamie says as he tries to defend my ex-boyfriend.

"Then why is he here!" I yell to the world, standing up and anxiously running my fingers through my mop of hair. "If he had done all that he could, my cousins would still be here and it would be that disgusting son of a bitch sitting in his frozen grave! Their little girl is two months old and she will never remember her fathers. It is his fault that Mahina is left a fucking orphan all alone in this world without her parent's love and attention and..."

The tears pushed through and what had been a numb void now overflowed with painful sorrow at the thought of their daughter Mahina.

"Finley! Do you know how stupid you sound! He's not a god! Lei couldn't stop the fucking avalanche!" Jamie screams right back at me and I take a step back. The two of us fall silent for a few moments.

Letting the sun inch its way up the horizon line as we bury our pain once more.

"Listen, I'm sorry. Its not about Lei, I don't give a shit about that guy. But I do care about you. I know you feel guilty. You think that if you had never brought Lei home this wouldn't have happened. But it's not your fault. You couldn't have predicted any of it. Mari and I just want you to stop kicking yourself and move on." He adds, breaking our silence and the tension that filled the air between us.

"That's for me to decide. Not you two." I sigh, watching the steam of my hot breath travel through the air.

"Hey!"

Jamie and I both look over to see a man jogging towards us in short shorts and shirtless as he approaches. Once he gets a little closer I recognize him from the theatre.

"Oh, hey Vahn," I wave and he smiles.

"Hey, it's Finley right? Oh sorry, did I disrupt something?" He looks at Jamie's red face then back to me.

"No, we were just...talking," I say while struggling to keep my eyes from drifting.

"Ah, well I was just running back to the school if you want to join me," He offers and Jamie nods,

"Sure why not," He sighs and starts running without us.

"Where's your shirt man? It's freezing?" I ask and he chuckles slightly.

"What? I feel freer without it!" He smiles and we both start running after Jamie.

***********

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