I Can't Love You

I didn’t move for a while. I just stayed there, hovering over her and looking down at those green eyes. She looked terrified. Was it me who scared her, or the situation? I didn’t want it to be me.

I finally sat down a little bit away from her and looked up at the sky.

Shit.

Wasn’t I thinking about how this would complicate things today?

Finding out what to say next was a lot harder than covering my ass earlier. This was torture.

“Dev, I don’t expect you to say it back or anything, I just…look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it. Let’s just forget about it. No big deal.” She had sat up too and was looking down at her hands which were in her lap.

Did I want to forget it?

I mean, I didn’t want to say it back. I didn’t believe in love and I wasn’t going to lie to her. But I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to ignore it. I didn’t want her to regret telling me. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want anything to change. But…maybe I could get used to her saying that…I mean, plenty of people said it to other people. I don’t have to say it back to stay with her.

“Sara…” What did I say now?

“It’s nothing Dev, really.” She looked up to me and gave a weak, fake smile. I hated that smile.

“It is. I don’t want you to hold that back because you don’t think I won’t like hearing it. I don’t want you to hold back around me. I care about you, Sara. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time.”

“But you don’t love me.” She whispered. I knew she wasn’t asking me to love her, she was just stating the fact.

“That’s not about you, that’s about me. I don’t believe in love. That doesn’t mean I want you to stop saying it, I don’t want things to be…different between us. I care about you, is that enough? If it isn’t I understand. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want, and I don’t want to stop you from getting that.” I wanted to touch her, to hold her hand or something, but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to. I let her have her space instead.

“You’re what I want.” Sara whispered.

That’s when I knew what I should do. She didn’t need space. I was stupid to think she would rather have space in this moment than have me near her.

I brushed her hair behind her hair slowly, not saying anything, just letting my eyes wander along her face. Her eyes to her nose to her cheeks and then resting on her lips. I let my thumb trail along her bottom lip and she shivered slightly at the touch.

“Say it again?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to hear it again. I didn’t want her to be afraid to say it or to avoid saying it or anything, but that wasn’t all. I wanted to hear it. I liked the idea of her feeling this for me, even if it wasn’t real.

“Why?” She didn’t pull away or even look away, but I could tell she was nervous. It brought me back to the first night we met. Her freaking out while I held all the confidence I had. This was different, I was freaking out a bit and trying to catch some confidence before it slipped through my fingers. But she reminded me of that day. Her cheeks were a crimson red and I could feel just how nervous she was.

“Because I don’t want you to stop yourself from telling me what you feel. Because I like hearing it.” I whispered that last part so quietly that I could barely hear it, but I could tell she did.

She smiled a small smile and said, “I love you.”

I grinned and kissed her.

And damn was it a kiss.

It was different from any other kiss I’d ever experienced, even the ones Sara and I had that were emotional and heartfelt and wonderful. This kiss was all of that, passionate, and so much more. I never wanted to stop. I couldn’t imagine how I had gone this long without a kiss like this.

Needless to say, this kiss led to more, and even that was different. It was wonderful. It wasn’t just a quick fuck, it was…something else. Something I couldn’t explain. She was only a ‘quick fuck’ once, maybe twice, but it had never been like this.

“You really don’t mind if I say it?” She asked as she pulled on clothes. I hated watching her get dressed. It was terrible.

“No, I really don’t mind. I just wish I could be the same way about it.” It was true. I did want to love her back. I really did. I wished I believed in love and happy endings.

“You don’t have to say it back, but maybe one day you’ll find it. Maybe not with me, but I hope you find it one day.” I wanted to find it with her.

“Maybe.”

“I guess we should get back. We have to make dinner before it gets dark and I think I want to go to bed early tonight.” Sara said, looking out at that view again.

I watched her. I found her much more interesting than the view. She loved me? Me? I didn’t trust love. I didn’t believe in it. And yet I found myself marveling at the mere idea of her believing she loved me. How could she feel that towards me? How could you decide it was love? None of it made any sense and I didn’t think it ever would.

“Sara, you’re special to me.” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head.

She looked back to me with a knowing grin. “I know.”

“Good. I need you to know that you mean a lot to me. I want to stay with you for a long time.” I bit my lip and asked, “Is that alright with you?” I felt the need to ask her permission for such a thing.

“Of course, Devon. I’d like that very much actually.” Sara knelt down beside me and kissed me.

My lips felt like they were fire. How did she do that to me? I had never felt like this with anyone before. She was really something else.

“Good.” I smiled and grabbed the cooler we had brought. Everything had already been packed up again.

The hike back was a lot like the hike there, I spent 94% of the time looking at Sara and thinking about us.

I wanted to love her. I wanted to be what she deserved in a relationship. I wanted to be enough for her. I just…didn’t believe in love. No, maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t believe in love at all, maybe I just didn’t think that I could fall in love.

How could I be enough for Sara? For now I was enough, but soon she’d want something more. She’d want someone to love her back. One day she’d want to get married and have a family and a house, not an apartment. That person wasn’t me. I was good enough for now, but I didn’t want her to settle. I wanted her to be happy.

I wanted her to leave when I didn’t make her as happy as she should be.

I didn’t want her to leave, but I wanted to do what was best for her, and when I wasn’t that, I shouldn’t stay. It was horrible to think about, but I wasn’t going to be enough forever, and one day all of this would end because of that.

It made me sick to think about it.

Sara’s hand slipped into mine and I looked over at her.

“Are you alright? You seem…quiet.” Sara seemed a little worried.

I smiled weakly. “I’m fine.”

She nodded. “Alright. If you want to talk, I’m always there for you, Dev. You know that, right?”

“I know.” Her hand started to slip out of mine and I gripped it tighter and looked at her. “I like holding your hand.” I mumbled quietly.

She squeezed my hand and said, “Good.”

We didn’t talk much on the way back, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable, awkward silence. It was nice actually.

I made baked potatoes and corn and she made hamburgers, and afterwards we had s’mores again. It started getting dark, and we stayed up for a little while looking up at the stars. She found them beautiful, maybe as beautiful as I found her. I wasn’t sure what it was about her that made me find her so damn beautiful, she just was.

Finally she yawned and I dragged her back to the tent and told her how she needed to get to sleep and all of that. She didn’t really protest, she just let me lead her to the bathroom to brush her teeth and back to the tent to get into warm pajamas. She slid into the sleeping bag and I wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her against me.

“Goodnight, Sara.”I whispered and then brushed my lips along the back of her neck.

“Goodnight, Devon.” She paused for a moment and I felt her tense slightly. “I love you.” She breathed quietly.

I smiled and nuzzled her neck. “I know. And I really care about you Sara. More than you know.”

I felt her relax into me as she whispered back, “I know.”

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I know, it's short, but I couldn't think of much else. I've been visiting colleges though. I visited the Culinary Institute of America (the CIA) on Wensday, and the New England Culinary Institute (NECI) on Thursday. A pretty cute girl was checking me out for a while on Thursday. Had my mother not been there, I probably would have talked to her. And made a fool of myself. And been a lot less attractive.

Anyways, I'm in Bow, New Hampshire now, writing at my grandparents house, and playing League of Legends every now and again. It's tough to write here with them because Idon't have tons of time and I always feel like someone is over my shoulder. My granparents, my aunt, my parents, and my brother are here with me, so I've always gotta be careful. I don't want my family to read my stuff, it's weird.

Anyways, lemme know what you think.