Riley

Everyone was wearing shirts that said "Devon's Wolfpack", which got smiles from everyone in the club. I was seated in the prime spot to watch the girls dance, something Jan had insisted on. She was still shocked that I was settling down, becoming a one woman person, and I think this was her idea of a last hurrah. I didn't mind, they were beautiful women and I have always loved beautiful women. I sipped my beer and watched lazily while everyone occupied themselves with dancing, drinking, lap dances. I think bachelor parties are really just excuses for everyone else to party, not that I was bothered by it, I liked giving people a reason to grind against each other and throw money at strippers who were working their asses off. I guess that things had just changed for me.

I was drifting away, thinking about Sara of course. My friends were enjoying themselves, I only had a few moments before they rushed over to bring me into the partying. Just a few seconds left until Jan did something that Best Men do. Moments.

A hand touched my shoulder. Probably Jan.

And then the other hand rested on my other shoulder. They slowly massaged my back, working out the tenseness.

God, it was just the way I needed it. The only person I could think of who would be able to do this so well would be-

"Sara? Babe, what are you doing here?" I asked, leaning back against the chair.

"Oh, you know, thought I'd see my girl off." The smooth voice came from behind me, definitely not Sara's.

I stood up so fast that the chair spun away from us and fell to the floor. "What are you doing here?" I hissed.

Carrie gave me her winning smile. "I already told you, I wanted to see you off. You're about to ruin your life with some girl. Honestly, how long do you think you'll last with just one woman in your life? Held down like that? Next thing you know she'll want babies. And she'll want a house in the suburbs. And she'll want to be a PTA mom. And you? You'll be wanting the hot girl who's flirting with you at work, wherever that is. How do you think your Sara will react to that? I, on the other hand, would be all in for you...exploring other options. I wouldn't even mind doing some exploring together." She gave me a wicked smirk and bit her lip seductively.

"Carrie, you will not ruin this for me. You don't really get this, do you? I'm in love with Sara. And not the kind of love where you make me feel like shit and I believe you're the best I can get. Not this love where you manipulate me into feeling more for you than you could feel for anyone. No, this isn't a fake love sort of thing. I want to wake up to Sara every morning, not because I'm scared that I can't handle being alone but because I don't want to be without her. I want to be with only her, and not because I don't think I can get anyone else, but because she's the only one I want. Sure, I will find other women attractive, there's no way I could ever just stop seeing other women as beautiful and sexy, but Sara is the one woman I want to actually to act on these thoughts with. I'm sick and tired of you coming to me, trying to sabotage my relationship, all because you suddenly need someone to treat you like a queen. Sorry to break it to you, but Sara is my queen. And the best part? She doesn't want a peasant like you do, she wants a queen to rule with her. And she chose me."

Carrie pursed her lips and looked like she was about to say something nasty, but someone's hand grabbed her shoulder and yanked her away from me. Carrie spun around to say something to Luce, whose hand was still on her shoulder. "Hey bitch, you better get out of here."

"Or what?" Oh Carrie, so sure of herself, like she actually had power here.

"Or you'll be carried out." Luce said firmly.

She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "I'd love to see you try."

Luce moved so fast it took me a moment to figure out exactly what happened. Carrie was on the floor and Luce had her hand balled up into a fist. "Hope you got to see it."

"That's my girl!" Jan shouted, raising a beer bottle over her head, cheers filling the room.

Luce took a bow and then shook her hand out. "God damn I have been waiting to do that!"

"You and everyone else." I said with a smile. I came up and hugged her tightly. "Thanks. I think we finally just got rid of the Carrie problem. You should be a professional bodyguard."

"Hey, get your hands off my woman." Jan said playfully.

I rolled my eyes and backed up. "Really though, I can't thank you enough. I figured it would look bad if I hit her, but now everyone knows I wasn't the only one who thought she was bat shit."

"No problem. Hell, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Let me know if she shows up tomorrow, I'll take her out." Luce held up her fists and bounced on her toes, like she was getting ready for a fight.

"Alright, alright, calm down tiger, she's already out. Now, as a congratulations, let's get you a lap dance." Jan said loudly, looking around the room for one of her favorite strippers.

"Hey, hey, I'm really sorry you guys but you can't be doing that here. I know it's your party and I saw that chick stirring up trouble, but I just can't have it. You guys are gonna have to leave, I can't have this in my place." The owner, who Jan and I knew personally from our frequent visits, rushed out before we could get back into the party spirit.

I smiled and nodded. "I completely understand, can't have troublemakers around here. This is probably our last time here, at least for a while, so it was good to see you again before I just disappeared. Thanks so much for everything." I said as Jan started corralling everyone out.

"Thanks for being such a loyal customer. Congrats on getting married, never thought I'd see the day."

I smiled. "Me either."

The party moved to Luce's bar, where we bought her drinks all night for finally doing what we all wanted to do to Carrie. She had never been on this side of her own bar, so it was quite entertaining showing her the ropes to her own place.

Jan and Luce disappeared for a while, probably unable to keep their hands off of each other. It wouldn't be surprising, they were basically animals. Then again, Sara and I weren't much better.

Sara and I.

Tomorrow we'd be married.

How fast did time move? It felt like I met her just yesterday. Her friend coming to us, telling me that Sara had been staring at me all night. Looking up to see bright green eyes quickly look away. Walking over. Sara fiddling with the beer in front of her nervously.

And then being in the same class together, unable to escape my one night stand. Not that I had particularly wanted to. I was unable to keep my hands off the girl.

And our first date. She still used my schedule for that night as a bookmark.

Camping.

Cooper.

The first time she said she loved me.

The first time I said I loved her.

Moving in.

Getting her engagement ring.

Proposing.

Our first Christmas.

Talking about the future bakery.

So much happened and I still remembered those fingers twirling the bottle and her bright eyes avoiding mine, the blush creeping up her cheeks and the nervousness in her voice. One night stand turned wife. She was the best story in my life, and I wanted to make every day a new and exciting chapter.

Everyone went home after that, and I was forbidden from going back to my home where Sara was. After all, tomorrow was the wedding and I wasn't allowed to see her until she was coming down the aisle. It made my stomach flip at the thought. Married. Me. Sara. Forever. And it started tomorrow. My forever would start tomorrow. What a wonderful thought.

"Hey man, can we talk?" Jan asked hesitantly. We had gone back to her place since I was banned from my own home. I was sitting on the couch and Jan was leaning against the doorway.

"Oh course, we always can." I moved over so she had a place to sit.

She came over and took another drink of her beer. Her hands were shaking, but I tried not to notice. Whatever she wanted to say was eating at her, I had seen Jan this anxious before, and calling her out on it never helped.

"What's up?" I asked calmly when she didn't start talking.

"Just a minute. Just, I need a second first." Her voice trembled and she closed her eyes.

"However long you need." I said calmly, trying to put my best friend at ease.

"I didn't want to take away from your wedding. I didn't want to steal attention or anything, so I wasn't going to tell you, I wanted it to be about you. I told Luce two days ago though, and she said I should tell you. She said I should have told you first actually, so she thought it was best I tell you now and pretend I told you first, but I'm a bad liar so that doesn't really work. I do think you should know though. I would have told you first, it's just, I'm scared you know? I'm more scared of what you'll think that Luce, and you know how I feel about Luce. You mean a lot to me, man. You're my best friend. And I want to stay like that." She was talking faster than I thought possible.

"Jan, slow down. You are my best friend. You always will be. You're my Best Man for Christ's sake, whatever you have to say isn't going to change that."

"That's it." She blurted out.

"What is? What are you talking about?"

"I'm your Best Man."

I wondered if I looked as confused as I was. "I know, I asked you to be. I was there for that whole thing, you know." I said with a small laugh.

"No, not like that. I mean, I'm your Best Man." Jan said with more emphasis.

"I'm missing something obviously. What do you mean, because if you keep saying you're my Best Man, I'm just going to keep saying I know."

I watched her take another deep breath and she closed her eyes. "Man. I'm your Best Man. Not your Best Woman."

And the realization hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Or one of those socks filled with quarters. Something heavy and surprising.

"So, what you're saying, is you're a guy?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to make the assumption since they were still so vague.

Jan nodded slowly. "Yeah. A guy." A smile crept along her-his face and it looked like she-he was taking her-his first real breath.

I nodded. "Would you like me to use male pronouns for you?"

Jan looked so worried, but nodded slowly. Like they was afraid what I would think about their answer. "Yeah. And-and I want to go by Riley now."

"Riley? You don't want something closer to Jan?"

She-he, goddammit why am I screwing up on this? He shook his head so fast I was worried about whiplash. "No. I want to put that behind me. I was never Jan, not once in my life have I ever been she or Jan or anything like that. I was never a lesbian. Never. I'm a straight guy. Or bi. Maybe I just will say queer. I'm still so unsure about everything. I said I was a lesbian because no one looks twice at a lesbian who looks like me. But that's not me. It never was. And I don't want to remember the character I played named Jan, I want to be me. And Riley, that's me. Riley." He smiled at the word. "It sounds so different. I said it out loud for the first time last night. It sounds so strange. So different. So much better than I could have imagined."

"Riley. It's a good name. How is Luce about this?" I was worried for my friend, Luce had been everything she-he wanted for so long, just to have her torn away by this would kill me.

"Luce is bisexual, she likes men and women. And she sees me as a man. I am a man and she knows it. She's working on the name and the pronouns. Today she wrote me a post it note and stuck it to the mirror in the bathroom saying how much she loved her man. And last night when we, uh, well you know, she called out my name. My real name, not my birthname. And that was pretty damn great. She's working really hard, and it's not perfect, but she loves me. She helped me pick out my first binder. We had it overnighted, it actually came in today. I haven't even opened the package, I kind of had a huge anxiety attack when I got the package and I wasn't able to. Luce had to spend an hour calming me down." Riley's face flushed at that. "She's really great."

"A binder?" Like for schoolwork?

He nodded. "It's to make my chest flat. We stayed up last night looking and we decided to go with a company called GC2B. They are run by transmen and they are man for transmen and everyone really loves them. So, that's what we're doing."

"So you don't use ace bandages?" Everything I'd ever seen had ace bandages, why not just use those, why jump through all these other hoops? Transman. My best friend was trans. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it, looking back through our lives I could see hints here and there, but I had never really considered it. I had never thought that this would happen, I just thought she was more on the butch side.

"You should never use them, they're super dangerous, they can crack ribs and cause breathing problems. They're horrible for you. You should use a binder. And even they have rules before they become dangerous, but they're safer, and I think they'll make me feel a lot better about this." He gestured to his chest nervously.

I nodded again. I still felt strange, like I was far away from this, like I was watching someone have this conversation. My best friend was a man. And yesterday I had sworn they were a woman. But they were never a woman. Was Jan-Riley still the same? Was anything going to change?

I must have been quiet for a long time because Riley spoke up. "I'm still me, Dev." Wow, she-he (when would I get it fucking right?) seemed to know exactly what I was thinking. "I'm the same person you've always known, I just feel like I should look different and like people should call me a different name. I'm the same person who you grew up with, I just want something else in my pants, you know? It's hard to explain, and it's going to take a long time for me to really find the words to talk about this, but I'm still me. And I get it if you don't want to hang out so much or anything, I know that it's probably weird for you and that you would probably want a best friend who is a lesbian like you and that things are probably going to change between us, but I don't want that. But if you do, I'll respect that. I know it's a lot to take in."

I smiled at him. "You should put it on. This binder thing. I want to see Riley the way he's supposed to look. And you should try it on before you wear it to the wedding tomorrow, to see what it's like. I can't have my Best Man trying on his outfit for the first time tomorrow."

He blinked in surprise and I tried not to notice what seemed like tears at the corners of his eyes. "You really mean it? You want me to wear it? And I'm still your Best Man?"

"Of course you are. You're my best friend. I didn't spend all this time with you because of your gender, and it doesn't change anything now. You're my best friend, and you always will be. Man or woman or something in between. So, go put this binder on so I can really see what my friend looks like."

Riley chewed his lip in thought and then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I'm going to put it on." He set his beer down and got up. I watched him disappear in to the bedroom and shut the door.

I leaned my head back against the couch.

Transgender.

My best friend.

I had never really thought about the T in LGBT. I knew people were trans, but I never thought I'd meet anyone who was, so I never learned about it, I never worried about it, I just tacked the letter onto the end just in case.

What would my friend go through? Hormones? Surgery? What were issues he would face? What was violence like? Could he get fired? Would he be able to change his name? How could I better understand what he was going through without pressuring him into answering questions he felt uncomfortable answering?

Research. I would be doing a lot of that. I wanted to know how to help Ja-Riley, and while I could go to him, I didn't want him to feel obligated to teach me, that wasn't his job. It was my job as a best friend to do things I knew would help her-him, and part of that was letting him move at his own pace and be whatever kind of man he wanted to be. So, I needed to find out how I could help her-him achieve that. I couldn't keep asking questions about things like binders, something that probably seemed so simple and essential to him and I didn't even know what it meant.

"Hey, um, I'm coming out." Riley's voice shook from behind the door.

"I thought you already did that." Nice.

"Shut up." He laughed nervously, but it was still a laugh.

There was a moment of silence and then the door opened.

And there was Riley.

He was wearing gray a long sleeve button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He was looking down, focused on his chest, or lack thereof.

He was flat. I don't know what I expected, that was the purpose of this binder thing, but it was still surprising. He wasn't a small chested person, and to come out here like that, looking just like every other man on the street, I was shocked.

And then he looked up at me, and this time there was no hiding it, tears were rolling down his cheeks. "Dev. Dev it's me. Look at me. Look how-look how-" He couldn't finish his sentence, so instead I stood up and walked over.

"You look so different, man. You look really great. Best Man material for sure. I think we should send some pictures to Luce, I'm sure she'd love to see how awesome her boyfriend looks."

Riley mouthed the word boyfriend with a smile and nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Let's do that. One second." She-he goddammit went back into the bedroom and came back out with a pair of sunglasses and a cigarette. "What? I want to make these good pictures. I want to be able to keep them. You know, my first step to feeling at home in my own body, and my best friend right here with me. We gotta make them artsy and worthy of great frames."

I shook my head and felt a large grin cross my face. Yeah, still the same person.

---------------

Author's Note

First, to those of you with transgender friends, especially those who have recently come out, you are not expected to suddenly be perfect at this. You will mess up, as Devon is doing here, it is natural. Please realize that it is okay to mess up as long as you are constantly trying very hard. We notice every instance that you misgender us or use the wrong name, even if we pretend not to. This is not an excuse or a "it's okay" thing for you to use the wrong name/pronouns. We usually are just embarrassed to bring it up and feel bad because we think that it's hard for you and we are burdening you. Please apologize (not excessively, I don't need an essay on how sorry you are) and move on and keep working for us. It is hard for you and we know that, but please remember that it is much much harder for us. We also have to adjust to this name, it isn't natural for us either, but it is who we are. And to hear something that isn't our name or pronouns directed at us is like we are being stabbed and we still have to pretend not to care. We are having a harder time, not only with names, but with many other aspects, such as dysphoria and how people treat us and exclusion from LGBT spaces. What Devon is doing here is very good. She is supporting her friend, realizing that they haven't changed as a person, but that they are coming into themselves and finding ways that they are more comfortable. Like a friend coming out to you as gay/bi/pan/ect, someone coming out as a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth is not going to change who they are. Please don't treat your friend as an encyclopedia, as your knowledge center, or anything like that. Chances are they are still learning themselves and these questions often bring up many not so good feelings for many trans people. Some trans people are okay with answering questions and are very eager to do so to help educate the community, I am one of these people, so if you have questions you can come to me or google it or find another source of info until you are sure that your friend is comfortable answering these sorts of questions. Please take it upon yourself to figure out what your friend is going through, understanding their struggles and what they are feeling is going to help you understand your friend and help you help them (which is what friends do, right?).

Now, to anyone who may be transgender. I love you, you are valid, you belong in LGBT spaces, your sexuality doesn't take away from your gender, you have big brother Nikolai if you need anything ever. If you have questions, I would love to answer them, and if I don't have the answer, I will get it for you. I love you, your friends love you, and you can do this. I'm so proud of you, wherever you are in your journey and whatever your plans are for your transition. It is never to late to transition and there is no "right way" to do this. There are many people who have surgeries and hormones, just hormones, just surgeries, neither, go by different pronouns, and everything else you can image. However you feel comfortable is the right way. If you aren't out yet, that's okay. And if you are out but you live a stealth life (where nobody knows you are trans) that's cool too, you don't owe anyone that information, you are not deceiving people by keeping your private life private, and you do not need to tell everyone about what it's like. You are valid. If you are out and proud, I am also proud of you and I hope you stay safe and I hope you are good and kind. I love all of you, come see Big Brother Nikolai if you ever need me or just want to talk. I know that finding books on trans people is very hard, I promise I'm working on that for us.

And now we can talk about this chapter.

As I have previously said, I no longer feel at home when I write this book. Writing from the POV of a lesbian woman is not really comfortable for me as queer transman. I have a lot of trouble getting into the right mind when I write this, it makes me feel not good about myself. So it takes a long time and I always feel kind of gross afterwards, so I decided to add a character like me. Well, not really add a character, just create some more of a character I guess. Riley. If you aren't a fan of this development, the book is almost over and Riley is a side character so you don't have to worry about it that much. But if you do like this, if you think that you're interested in reading about how Riley came to his discovery and where he will go with his journey and what his relationship is going to be like with people from now on (specifically how things are with Luce) then I think I can say that you should be a little excited because this is going to make it a lot easier to write When Cupid Hit which is basically Riley and Luce's story.

I would like to ask you to all refer to Riley with he/him/his pronouns and his real name, Riley. He has not only come out to Devon and Luce, but to you as well. Please treat him with respect and realize that it is extremely personal. While he may not be real, someone out there is. Writing is very intimate, especially online with comments. Everyone who is reading this is connected, not just with me the author, but with each other. Please realize how you treat Riley is how you may be treating someone else who is reading this book with you. If I see any unsavory comments, I will be deleting them for the safety of my friends. They deserve a safe place to read and feel comfortable and I will not tolerate disrespect here.

Riley may not be real, but while we are reading he is. You see him, you hear his voice, and you watch him through Devon's eyes. While you read this book, he is a real person, just as I am. Riley is loosely based on me. His experience with binding is mine. And many of his other experiences will be based on my own or my plans. So treat Riley as you would treat me, he deserves respect.

Please comment, I love to hear what you guys think, you all know that.

Also, Obligatory Shameless Plug- My book came out, it is about lesbians and magic and fantasy fiction fun stuff, please buy it on ebook or paperback because it's pretty cool and I really want to see LGBTQ fantasy fiction out in the world. I love you all. The link for my book is on my profile, it's called Life Beyond the Temple and it's worth at least checking out or telling your library to get a copy so that you can read it for free. In fact, if I had to choose between you buying the book for yourself or you getting the library to buy the book and then checking it out, I would choose the library. I want this book to be available to everyone, I want people who don't have money or who are afraid to buy it or who don't know about it to be able to read it. I exhausted a very small list of LGBTQ books in my library, I want people to have more options. So, yeah. I hope you guys look at it and get someone to buy it, that would be cool.

Bye for now I guess.

-

Nikolai