Epilogue

I wasn't going to post this, but I figured that it's Christmas and I am on break and I wanted to give Devon and Sara the ending I had imagined when I started the book. I ended it a little earlier than I wanted to originally because of about a million reasons, but they didn't get the ending I wanted, and I felt bad. So I took the last hour and a half to write it up for you guys and it's not exactly how I imagined it, but I hope you all like it anyways. I mean, I'm getting ready to post it and I'm really nervous, like what if everyone hates it? But I figure, if you all hate it, I'll just delete it and we'll do Riley's story (the Secret Lives of Fireflies) the way I was going to without this little piece. It'll be like it never happened. But, if you all like it, then I will work it in there. Anyways, you're probably eager to get to the important part. Let me know what you all think about this. And this is, for real, the final chapter of this little adventure.

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"Devon! We've got to go!" Sara called my name.

I was in a light purple dress shirt with an blue, orange, purple, and gray plaid tie and a pair of gray slacks. I looked good, which was important for today.

It had been about three months since I married Sara, and despite all the claims that things would be different, that we would get angry with each other, that something would just be off, I only fell more and more in love with her every day. Every day was the best day of my life, and I got to spend it with her. It was, well, it was just everything I imagined it would be.

Today was a special day. My parents had come to visit. They wanted to meet Caleb, congratulate Riley and the changes in his life, including his love life, and just see the town. They took a whole week off and it was their last night here, they wanted to go out to dinner. And Sara had suggested the place out first date had been at. I invited Riley and his growing family to come, but only he would be making it tonight.

I took a deep breath and stepped away from the mirror, "Okay babe, I'm coming!"

The doorbell rang and Sara said, "It's probably Riley, I'll get it!"

Riley didn't say he'd be coming to pick us up, but it wouldn't be the first time he had picked us up.

I didn't hear him say anything after the door opened though, Sara didn't even say anything, and though I knew I would be overreacting, I felt my chest clench and my stomach drop.

Sara.

"Sara?" Nothing.

"Sara, babe, are you okay?" I forced my feet to stay still. I didn't want to seem overbearing or crazy. If I ran out there and they were just sitting on the couch I'd never live it down.

But she didn't answer. She wasn't answering.

And I couldn't help myself anymore. I bolted out the door, running as fast as I could across the living room to the hallway by the door.

I turned the corner and skidded to a stop. Sara was standing there, facing away from me, completely still and blocking the door.

"Sara, are you okay? Is everything alright? What happened?" Words were coming out of my mouth before I could even register what I was saying.

"Dev."

That didn't exactly give me much to go on.

"Yes, love?"

She looked over her shoulder, a look of sheer panic mixed with something indescribable but that definitely didn't go along with fear. "We may have to put off the bakery for a couple years."

I could feel my face scrunch up with confusion, "That's okay, I mean, we had already talked about waiting until I got some management experience. I was going to be getting a new job when we graduate in two weeks. What's going on?"

She turned to face me completely, and in her arms was a pastel blue blanket. And inside the blanket? A little tuft of dark hair and pudgy fingers.

"Oh man." I sank to the floor, not caring about my pants.

She looked down at the baby, probably only a month or two old. "He was just sitting out there. On the doorstep. There's a letter to you, babe."

I watched her move the blanket a little and pull an envelope from the folds, the baby still fast asleep in her arms. And sure enough, when she handed it to me, the words To Devon were scrawled along it in blue ink.

"What..." I didn't finish my sentence, I didn't really know what to say, I just felt numb. A baby. On our doorstep. Just. Hanging out. Well, maybe not hanging out. What were we supposed to do with it? Should we call the police? I mean, doesn't it need parents? Or like, a doctor? What do kids even need? Do we take it to the hospital? Does it have all its shots or is that dogs? I think that's dogs. Oh god what are we going to do?

"Sweetheart, babe, why don't you read the letter, there may be some answers in there. I need you to focus right now for me, okay?"

I nodded slowly. "Right. Right." And I looked down at the letter in my hands.

To Dev.

To Dev.

To Dev.

I slid my finger under the flap and opened it, careful not to rip the paper.

Dear Dev, or Devon perhaps, I'm not sure if we're at nicknames like that yet. In fact, starting this kind of letter at all with 'Dear Dev' sounds awful, but I've already thrown away eleven different copies of this letter and I think if I make it twelve I'll chicken out, and for James' sake I can't do that.

My name is, well, maybe I shouldn't tell you. Call me...Maggie. My dad said they almost named me Maggie. And this sweet boy is James. He is a surprisingly quiet baby, he doesn't cry much at all. In fact, I was worried he was deaf and took him to one of the free clinics in the city, but he's not, he checked out perfectly fine. Not that him being deaf would have made a bit of difference in how much I love him, or how much I hope you can love him, but it would have made it harder for me to leave him like this.

You see, I'm 16 years old and I can't have a child right now.

I'm not even from Washington, I had to come here after everything fell apart back home. I made the mistake of going to a party with my friend, and I thought I watched my drink so well, I only had one beer, and then there was a very nice, very tall, older boy. He was a senior, but he'd been held back a year or two. And I thought he was so nice. Until he wasn't anymore. Until he decided that what I said and what wanted and didn't want, didn't matter.

He was the star quarterback of my little town and no one wanted to believe me. I told my parents and they said to keep quiet, it wasn't a big deal. And then I was pregnant. And those who knew about it said it was my fault, that I was trying to ruin his life, that I planned it. Those who didn't know who it was just called me a slut. I wanted an abortion, but my family wouldn't let me get one. And they wouldn't let me keep telling the everyone about our star quarterback. In my state you need a parent's permission before you can terminate a pregnancy. They didn't believe in abortion, so I didn't get that permission. But I knew I couldn't keep this baby, not without seeing his face every time I looked at him, not without ruining my entire future and college. See, I'm going to be an engineer. I was in an advanced program, I have a full scholarship to MIT next year. And with resources like that...I can change the world. I have designs and I'm working with someone in a poor town in India. We're getting them fresh drinking water six months after I start school, that's the plan at least. It's a small test first, but hopefully, we'll be able to do this for much bigger cities. But if I had kept James, which I part of me desperately wanted, I would have had to give it all up. And even now when I look at him, all I can see if the pride and joy of my home town, our beautiful quarterback. And as much as I hate to admit it, part of me is scared of little James, or of what he represents. And I can't bear the thought of growing up to see him in James, of James looking like him, of me hating James for something that isn't his fault. I couldn't keep him. I couldn't do that to me or him.

It's an old story isn't it? But I'm not here to talk about how sad my story is, as much as it seems like I might be, I'm just trying to give you a little background on me. To show you why I came to you instead of someone else. I thought about putting him in the system, but I knew too many kids who were put in homes where the only care was the check the parents got from fostering a kid. And James deserves so much better. Which is why I ran away from home, from a family that wanted me to keep him and hate him and fear him, my own child, and to do to him what they did to me, which was a lot of suspicious hospital visits because of accidentally falling down the stairs. But I never expected to find you, Dev. Because I don't think I could have found someone more perfect for the life I want James to have.

I was in a coffee shop not too long ago. I'd been on the street for a while and someone, now a very good friend of mine, stopped and took me lunch there. And then they let me stay with them. They don't necessarily give their full support for this plan, they think you'll just put him in the system. I hope she's wrong, but I understand if she isn't.

While I was there, I heard you and your wife talking. This was before you got married. You were talking about kids, and you sounded terrified. But your wife, Sarah I think, she was so calm. That's why I didn't address this to her, I can imagine her taking care of James now while you just lay on the couch with this later.

I looked up at Sara, who was indeed taking care of James. She was rocking him ever so slightly in her arms, whispering quietly. And me? Even worse than the couch, I was basically a crumbled ball on the floor.

And I could see it in your eyes. You were scared, yes, but you wanted it. I've seen every dad I've ever encountered have that look. Sheer panic all the way up until they hold that kid. The baby is being held out to them and they look like they could run out the door at any second, I've seen dads holding their arms out and glance at the door, baby just a hair away from their arms, thinking 'Maybe I can still make it before I screw it all up'. And then, they're holding their kid. And you can see it change, they would walk through fire, they would tear down cities, they would fight the world and win for that little baby. Nothing can stop a brand new dad.

But when that fear look is still in their eyes, behind it is usually longing. You're scared that you'll mess up at being a mom, but that doesn't mean you don't want it. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe you'll hold James and you'll carry him to the nearest police station and drop him off. Or maybe you're in a situation like me, maybe you just can't have a kid right now. I don't know your situation. But I know your eyes. And I know you can handle it.

Looking back at this letter, it seems like I stalked you after that, but I didn't. I was taking a walk in the park when I saw your wedding, that's how I know you're married. It was a beautiful ceremony. I stopped to watch. And I remember touching my stomach and telling James, just weeks away from being born, that I was going to try my hardest to give him the family he deserves.

And then I tried to find you, but couldn't so I figured it wasn't meant to be. Until I saw you about a month ago with your wife again, walking a dog. You went back inside and I could hear a lot of laughter and it seemed like you had family or friends or just people in general over. It seemed like a warm place. A safe place. A home.

I was never really one for fate, but I couldn't ignore it.

It may seem like I have low standards, that almost anyone around here could have been a viable option for me, but I can't explain it. I spent a lot of time with people who were toxic, and I like to think I became pretty good at picking up when someone was off. And you have only seemed like the opposite. I've never met anyone who feels as good and genuine and kind as you do. And when you look at your wife, I can see that you only see stars when you look at her. James needs to know love like that, and he needs a safe place to grow up with family and friends and love all around him. He needs to know what that's like. And you can give that to him.

I considered a lot of options for him, from the foster system to distant relatives of mine and plenty of other doorsteps, but you were the only one I felt right leaving him with. You were the only one I believed in enough to trust with little James.

And if you just take him to the police to deal with or give him to someone else, I'll know that was the right decision. I'll know that you have done what's best for him. Because I can't do that, I can't do what's best for him, I just don't know what it is. But looking at you and Sarah, I know that you can figure it out. And I can rest easy knowing that he will have the best life he can have.

The best thing I can do for James is to put him in your hands.

If the only reason you can't keep him is because you're scared, if it's not about money or your future plans or just that you don't want a kid or any other reason other than you're scared you'll mess up, then let me just say, you're going to mess up. Every parent does, it's normal to make mistakes. But with how many people you must have in your life, you won't be parenting alone. You'll have people to help you. And it's okay to be scared, it's probably good to be a little scared, if you weren't scared then you wouldn't care.

But you can be an amazing mom. I wish I had had someone like you when I was growing up.

So just, hold him. Don't run out the door yet. Give him a chance and then decide what to do next.

Please do your best for him. And if you do raise him yourself, if you become his mom, make sure he knows I love him. But that it just wasn't the time for me. Things were just out of place and it had nothing to do with him.

I'm sorry I rang your doorbell and ran, I hope you don't hold it against him.

I won't be seeing you again, I'll be on my way to a new city with my new friend. She's going to live near MIT to keep an eye on me. I've never had a friend like her before. She really cares, you know? If you and your friends are anything like her...James is in good hands.

I'm so sorry. But thank you, Dev. Thank you for giving him a chance.

His birthday is May 18th, his name is James Riley, and he is worth all your love.

I wish you the very best.

-Maggie

"Devon?"

I carefully folded up the letter and set it on the little table against the wall that we liked to stick shoes under.

I slowly stood up and was face to face with Sara and James.

"His name is James Riley...like our Riley, but, you know, with James in front of it." In my defense it was very hard to think straight.

She smiled a little and nodded. "James Riley is a nice name. No last name?"

I shook my head. We stood silent for a while, probably running very very late by now. "Could I hold him?" I finally blurted out, feeling my face flush when she looked back at me.

She looked at me curiously, "Are you sure you want to? I know you're not too fond of-"

"I uh, I'd just like to try...if that's okay of course, if it's not then it's no big deal." I looked away, maybe she was right, I mean, what if something happened? Maybe I shouldn't-

"No, no, it's perfectly fine. Here," she shifted even closer and raised him up a few inches, "make sure you support his head."

I held my arms out, mimicking the way she had hers, and she started to lower him into my arms and my eyes flicked to the door.

I could drop him, I could hurt him, I could raise him to be an asshole or a bully, what if I raised a real monster? Or what if he hated me? What if he felt like he couldn't trust me? What if I was overbearing? What if I gave him a bad education? What if I didn't give him enough? What if we didn't have enough money to support him? Or, what if I gave him too much and he became extremely spoiled and couldn't empathize with the average person? What if he became distant from the middle class and looked down on people with less money? What if he was the next Donald Trump? All because of me? What would I do then? What if I-

He shifted in my arms and a tiny yawn came from his mouth, forcing my eyes away from the door and down to him. His eyes opened slowly and he blinked up at me.

James Riley.

My heart swelled and I could feel it, what Maggie talked about. The unstoppable wave of emotion that made me feel like I could and would do anything for this kid. Nothing would hurt James, not while I was with him.

I looked back up at my wife. "Sara."

She smiled and pressed her forehead against mine, her soft hands touching my cheeks and she closed her eyes, sighing quietly. "I know."

"Hey you dicks, you shouldn't just leave your door open like this, who knows what could happen? What the hell are you doing over there?" Riley's gruff voice came from behind Sara and she stepped aside to let him see.

Riley's mouth dropped and he looked from James to me and back again and then to Sara.

"You guys. You guys that's a baby."

"Yeah."

"What the hell you got a baby for?" He looked just about as panicked as I had. Which made sense, because he was kind of a dad now too. My best friend was going to be a major part of this kid's life.

"James Riley Raines, meet your uncle Riley." I said, gently bouncing him in my arms.

And Riley's eyes softened. "Oh man, that's his middle name? Oh man. I'm his uncle? Oh god, I've got to call Luce and-"

I laughed. "How about we tell my parents first? They're lawyers, they'll be able to tell us what our next step is in having legal custody over little James here. They'll know what to do."

I went to dinner with wrinkled pants, but I don't think anyone noticed.