In the Rain

I felt my heart racing, I couldn’t think and I swore time stopped. I was just looking down at her, hoping she’s say anything but no. I couldn’t take it if she told me no. I risked everything saying this. I didn’t want to go back to who I was. I suddenly felt sick thinking of all the women I’d screwed without thinking of anything other than lust. How many names had I forgotten? How many drinks had I bought for women I didn’t even talk to? How many times had I made jokes to Jan about ‘the latest woman’?

She was just standing there, biting her lip in that way she does, not even looking at me. I had no idea what was going through her mind. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or trying to find a way to let me down easily. I can’t say how long I stood there, waiting in that timeless, motionless, silent world, just waiting to hear anything.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I took a step back and closed the umbrella, refusing to look at her in case she could tell I had tears stinging in the back of my eyes. Hell, who was I kidding? They were starting to slip out. I opened the door to the backseat and put the umbrella inside before turning around and looking up at the sky, which proceeded to drop rain on my upturned face. I hoped that if she looked at me, she’d see rain and not tears falling from my cheeks.

I put myself out there just to get crushed. How many times could I do this before I finally quit for good?

My thoughts drifted back to the ring I had in my pocket that day I went to see Carrie. That day I went to tell her how I wanted to stay with her forever, that my life was better with her in it than with her out of it. That day I walked in on her between someone else’s thighs.

I didn’t even know where that ring was anymore. I couldn’t remember where I’d thrown it.

“Dev?” Sara’s voice was quiet.

“Yeah?” I forced myself to keep my voice soft, trying not to be angry at her. She always said this was a friend thing, I shouldn’t have expected more than that. It’s not her fault she didn’t feel the same. I didn’t look at her though. I didn’t want to.

“Can you at least look at your girlfriend when she talks to you?” I could hear the smile in her voice when she said it.

I finally took a breath and looked down at her. She brought her hand up to my cheek and rubbed her thumb beneath an eye, catching what I think was a tear but that I hoped she thought was a raindrop. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried, and it’d been even longer since I’d done so in front of someone.

“Do you think I would’ve asked for dinner first if I didn’t want more than sex with you? I didn’t think you’d be like that though…I thought it’d be a quick dinner and you trying to get into my pants all night. You were sweet though. You were different from the person you show off to the world, and I like the real you. The one with the brother. I think that you’re like your mom.” Her hand trailed down to my chest and rested over my heart, which was now felt like it was trying to break free from my chest. “A romantic.”

We kissed in the rain.

I don’t think I’d ever been kissed in the rain.

I wondered if there was going to be a director yelling ‘Cut!’ any second now, but it didn’t happen. Instead, I got to kiss her in the downpour for minutes, holding her tightly against me.

Holding my girlfriend tightly against me.

When we finally got in the car, she was drenched, exactly what I was trying to avoid when I bought the jacket and umbrella. I turned on the heat and she took off the jacket and set it in the back with the bear.

She wasn’t dry when we reached her house, but she wasn’t dripping anymore. That was good. I walked her up to her doorstep and kissed her. Before I could even say goodbye, her fingers were entwined with my own and she was pulling me through her door.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I didn’t think I really wanted sex. I wasn’t in the mood. For the first time in years, I wanted something else.

Maybe she sensed what I wanted, or maybe she wanted the same thing, but when she pulled me into her bedroom, it wasn’t followed by her tearing off our clothes. She grabbed some things from her dresser and changed into them. She then tossed me some sweatpants, similar to the ones she was wearing, and crawled into bed.

I pulled on the warm pants and looked down with a slight frown. They were a few inches short, but I don’t know what I expected, she was a few inches shorter than me. I liked that though, I liked looking down ever so slightly to meet her eyes.

She had a remote in her hand when I finally crawled into bed with her. I maneuvered myself behind her and I pulled her against me. Her hair was still damp, but I didn’t mind, I wasn’t sure I would mind anything at this moment.

“You smell nice.” I mumbled while she flipped through the channels.

She leaned a little more into me and dropped the remote. I wasn’t sure what we were watching, but I didn’t expect to pay much attention anyways. “Like what?” She asked.

“Vanilla and lavender.” I didn’t hesitate, I knew the smell. I’d known it since the first night, and I hadn’t been able to forget it since.

“You smell like a pine forest you know. I like that. It makes me think of a big, dark, deep forest with a lot of secrets. It looks rough and sometimes a little scary,” She chuckled before continuing, “but when you start walking in, you see a lot of beauty in there.”

“Might be a few bears in there.” I warned.

“You’ll protect me.” She yawned and I got out from behind her so she could lay down.

“Sometimes I wonder if I can protect myself.” I whispered, more to myself than to her. It didn’t matter though, she was already asleep.

I heard my phone vibrate and I carefully slid out of bed to get my phone from my pants pocket.

Text Message From Jan

Hey man, when are you going to be back? You have my car. I’m getting cabin fever in here.

Shit, I forgot Jan was still in my house.

I gently kissed Sara’s cheek, hoping not to wake her, but I did anyways.

“What’s up?”

“I left Jan at my house again…I need to give her back her car keys. I’ll see you at school, okay?” Was I supposed to say anything else? Was there a girlfriend thing? I couldn’t remember what to say, so I just left it at that.

I pulled on my pants and kissed her again.

“Goodbye.” She murmured, looking like she was going to doze off again.

“Goodbye.” I smiled and shut the door quietly behind me.

On my way.

Message Sent

“Finally. Give me my keys.” Jan said the second I opened the door.

I tossed them to her and sat down on the couch, knowing I had a big smile on my face.

“What happened?” Jan asked and sat beside me.

“I have a girlfriend.” My smile got a little bit wider, despite the fearful jump of my heart. I wondered when that would stop.

“I told you it would happen.”

“Alright, alright, you were right. I like this girl. And that means I have to stop sleeping with every woman I come across.”

“It’ll be difficult, I know, but I’ll be there the entire way.” She said with a smile.

“Actually, I don’t think it will be as hard as it seems. I really like her. And I haven’t slept with anyone else in almost three weeks anyways.”

“Except the bathroom quickie.” Jan pointed out.

“Oh, right.” Shit. I forgot about her. “Well, she doesn’t really count. I didn’t want to sleep with her.”

“Uh huh.”

I couldn’t say anything else, because that’s when my phone rang.

I picked it up without even checking the caller id, “Hello?” I said with a large smile covering my face, thinking it was Sara.

“Devon, hi.” The voice sounded nervous, almost like they were regretting the decision.

“Who is this?”

“Caleb. Your brother.”