14 | sincerely, gabe

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CHAPTER 14

Computer screens lit up the room instead of natural light, the outcome of having around 50 students crammed into one room at once.

A voice carried through to the back of the lecture hall, droning in what might as well have been a different language.

My professor was gesturing animatedly and his face held genuine excitement - I wondered if he knew that he was the only person in this room that knew what the hell he was on about.

My eyes glazed over with boredom when the topic of the lecture changed to something else I had no interest in.

I had resorted to watching the hands of the watch that sat on my wrist move. Painstakingly slowly.

"Scarcity."

"Regression."

"Normal distribution."

"Marginal utility."

My focus on the lesson waxed and waned, meaning that I caught the occasional statement but had no idea what the overall conversation was about.

Based on what I heard though, I didn't particularly want or care enough to find out.

I was naturally good at economics hence why I chose it for my degree, but I had missed out a key detail in the fact that I hated every second of it.

The only positive was that I found the exams ridiculously easy, breezing through them in a way that other people could only wish for.

When the lecture ended - finally -  and everybody rushed out like something was chasing them, I knew I wasn't the only one who spent it wishing I was doing anything else.

I groaned in relief when I made it outside, my trainers scuffing against the concrete and hands lost in my pockets.

Raven black hair splayed over my shoulders as I was hugged from behind and small hands covered my eyes.

"Guess who!" A shrill voice called, far too close to my ear for it to not be uncomfortable.

I turned around, softly prying Jenny's hands off my eyes. "We've talked about this." I said, trying to keep my voice from sounding too harsh.

Since our circles overlapped, we frequently saw each other around.

She was a pretty girl and I figured it was worth a try, so about two months ago we had gone on a date.

The problem is that it was up there with the worst I've ever had, a night of awkward conversation and a ridiculous number of uncomfortable silences.

It was obvious to me that we weren't even remotely compatible, but Jenny still had it in her head that we could be the perfect couple.

I didn't know how to make it any more apparent that I wasn't interested, because she ignored every sign that I gave her.

Even now she was pouting, most likely gearing up to launch into a rant about how I wasn't giving 'us' a fair chance.

With perfect timing Jake joined the two of us, taking her attention away from our nonexistent relationship with a story about a girl in one of the classes that we had in common.

"No way." She said, mouth dropping open and dashing away, probably to go tell everybody she knew and their grandparent's uncle's niece's sister's dog's friend while she was at it.

Jake met my eyes, allowing me to see the humour swirling around in his.

"Shut up." I said, cutting him off before he could subject me to the quips that I knew lay on the tip of his tongue.

He put both palms up in the universal gesture for peace, a mischievous smile on his face. "I haven't even said anything yet."

"Good. Keep it that way." I retorted, thinking that was the end of it until he began to speak again.

"She thinks you're into her you know." He said, as if the feeling of her palms over my eye sockets wasn't a pretty good indication.

"No kidding." I practically growled. "She conveniently loses the ability to hear whenever I try to tell her I'm not."

My irritated rant was cut off by the sound of Danny clapping his hand onto my back. "What did I miss?"

"Just the usual. Gabe has no balls." Jake said, exchanging a look of amusement with Danny at my expense.

"Screw you." I scowled, hitting my point home with the appearance of my middle finger.

My mind flashed to the memory of how he'd acted at the party two nights ago.

"You wanna talk about having no balls?" I said, raising my eyebrows.

Jake's brows pulled together in confusion, and Danny was rubbing at his chin as if in thought.

He had zero brain cells, so I doubted that he actually was.

"Does the name Ivy ring any bells?" I asked Jake, not even bothering to fight the arrogant smirk on my face. "Yeah. I thought so."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell. Get on Danny's case for once."

"I always am." I said, knocking my shoulder against his good humouredly.

As annoying as I found them both, it was difficult to stay angry when they were always around me.

Believe me, I'd tried. But there's only so much one person can take of Danny repeatedly asking "Are you mad at me," with a pout.

Whatever you're imagining, I can promise you that the real thing is even more disturbing.

"I hate you guys." Danny said, chiming into the conversation.

"Love you too." Jake grinned, blowing us a kiss as he walked down the winding staircase in the direction of his own lecture hall.

- - - -

I slouched against the front of my couch, picking up the dusty white paperback that sat on the coffee table in front of me.

I winced. Even so much as holding it was enough to revive the memories that I constantly tried so hard to suppress.

Flipping through it, I found the page that I had never been able to stop coming back to, in spite of how painful it was to read.

"Dear Dad," I wrote in the scrawl of a typical teenage boy. "I'm sorry."

Before I could subject myself to any more pain by finishing the rest of the entry, my phone rang with an incoming call.

"Gabriel Thomas Madden!" My mother shouted, forcing me to move it away from my ear with a grimace.

"Why haven't you called me? You promised that you would at least once a week." She complained, and I immediately felt guilty.

"I'm sorry." I said, genuine remorse wrapping around my voice.

I could feel her softening even with the hundreds of miles between us.

"It's okay, just don't let it happen again." She replied. "I need to check up on you regularly or I'll go crazy wondering how you're doing over there."

My mother lived alone in my childhood home in Cornwall, so she had nothing to focus her attention on but her job as a florist, and me.

Or so I thought.

"There's actually another reason that I called you." She said, voice tentative.

I stiffened. Mum was never one to beat around the bush, so this was unusual for her. "What is it?"

"I met someone." She blurted, and it was all I could do not to drop the phone in surprise.

Silence stretched between us as I tried to collect my thoughts.

I wasn't upset. If anything, I was glad that she'd found someone to make her as happy as she deserved to be.

I just couldn't help but feel like the memory of my dad was dying with him.

Because of me.

"Say something." She begged through the receiver.

"I need to meet him to know whether he's good enough for you." I said sternly."But if you're happy, I'm happy."

"Oh, thank goodness!" She sighed in relief. "I know how close you were with your Dad. I was worried that you wouldn't be on board with it.

And as for meeting him, how does 3 weeks from now sound? You can come down to Cornwall, get some fresh air in your lungs. London doesn't have any."

She wasn't wrong about that. Here, cigarette smoke and car exhaust fumes replaced air - or at least that's how it felt sometimes.

"Sounds good." I said, having missed the beach town I grew up in, and how nice it felt to do nothing but watch waves lap onto the shore.

"Bring someone with you." She added before I could disconnect the call. "I'm tired of waiting for grandchildren."

My eyes bulged as her parting words registered in my head.

The things she came out with grew more ridiculous everytime I spoke to her, and yet I was still never prepared for them.

Shaking my head at her antics, I realised that there was only one person that I wanted to bring.

Pulling up the messaging app on my phone and typing out my usual "Hey gorgeous," I waited for Candyfloss to reply.

I could visualise her lightly flushed face as she read the text, noting that I was making good on my promise to talk to her everyday.

"What are you doing right now?" I asked, expecting her to tell me she was at the cafe or painting something.

"Taking a bath." Her text read.

So I was wrong.

And now I had that image in my head. Water sliding over her smooth skin—

The buzz of a new text stopped my thoughts from going rampant. "I've just finished now. Is there something you wanted to say?" She typed.

"Yeah." I began. "What are you doing in 2 weeks time?"

"The same things I usually do, I guess. I don't have anything special planned if that's what you mean." She responded.

"Well now you do. You're coming with me on a trip." I messaged back instantly.

"Am I now?" She replied, and I imagined that she was laughing as she typed it.

"Yep. To Cornwall." I confirmed.

"If I say yes, know that it's because I've always wanted to go and not because you asked me, okay." She announced.

"Whatever you say." I responded, even though I didn't believe her for a second.

"In that case, why not." She agreed, and I fist pumped the air internally.

"It's a date. Bye candyfloss." I messaged.

"No it's not, but bye Gabe." She replied, and I couldn't help the grin that slid onto my face.

She was in denial. There was no way that she couldn't feel it too.

My high disappeared just as quickly as it came, with my eyes trailing over the book still open on the coffee table.

Trying to resist was pointless, so I gave in and picked it up.

The entry began how they all did, with the words, "I wish I could tell you all this in person, but I can't, so this is the next best thing."

Although I hadn't written a new one in 5 years I still remembered how it felt, and the pain was raw.

As much as I wanted to be able to move on from that fateful night, I wouldn't be able to for as long as this journal existed.

Having said that, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

The question was, why did it still have such a big hold over me?

A little insight into Gabe and his past - all will be revealed eventually hehe

Also, just in case it isn't obvious, this is the reason for the book on his chest in

the banner for his name :)