28 | what he needed

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CHAPTER 28

Dear Dad,

I'm so sorry.

You're behind me right now, lying in that uncomfortable looking bed. Nobody's telling me what's happening to you, they just keep running around the hospital shouting things at each other.

You know what's messed up? The book I'm writing this in is the same one that you went on the road to get in the first place. They gave it to me while they put you in a stretcher. Like that somehow made up for it.

"Hey kid, your dad might be dying because of you. You know what, have a notebook."

You'd expect me to want to burn it or something, but it's actually turning out to be pretty useful. I can write down all the things I want to say to you.

Ryan and the other boys in my year would be getting on me for keeping a prissy diary if they knew about this, but I figure I should get a free pass since I have a good excuse.

Or at least I hope it's a good excuse.

Because if it isn't, then I got a half chewed biro from the medical desk (one that's probably infected with whatever the last person who used it had) for absolutely no reason.

Anyway, I've never felt like a bigger idiot than I do now.

I haven't left your side since they brought us in here but I can hear mum crying in the waiting room. She's trying to do it quietly so I don't feel worse but it's not working.

She keeps trying to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but it was.

I could have done so many things. I could have told you to stop before you went onto the road, or pulled you back as soon as I heard the car.

I could have even done what I should've in the first place, which is gone and gotten the book myself.

But I didn't, and that's why I'm writing this.

I'm really, really sorry dad.

And I want to tell you face to face, but you haven't opened your eyes since we got here.

It's scaring me a little.

I would give anything for it to be me instead of you in that bed right now, but since it isn't, I need you to come through for me.

Open your eyes please.

Sincerely, Gabe.

By the way, that's how my teacher said that people end their letters, and this felt kind of like a letter so I thought I'd try it.

***

I looked up from the page of the notebook that Gabe had given me to read, unshed tears blurring my vision.

According to him, this was the entry he read the most. Over and over again until he could recite the whole thing without even trying.

And my heart broke a little with every word.

I had to know. "Gabe, do you still write in this notebook?"

He shook his head, eyes meeting mine slowly. "I stopped a couple of years ago. I just read it now."

I let out a quiet sigh of relief. The thought of him still feeling this way and writing about it was too much to bear.

My face must have betrayed my thoughts because he winced, turning away from me slightly. "I'm sorry for putting all this on you. I promised you a fun trip and I'm dragging up ghosts from the past instead."

My eyes found his and I hoped he could see the sincerity that they held within them. "I started it by asking about your dad. And I'm glad you told me."

I wasn't lying. There had been a shift ever since he told me what happened to his dad, and in amongst the rubble left by the tragedy of the situation was something rare and shiny.

Shards of trust that could have only have been created by showing the other person the darkest parts of you.

A weight had been lifted off me as soon as I told him about my parents, and I imagined that it was the same for him, just to a much larger extent.

As rain battered against the windows of the room Gabe had brought me into, I took my time to let my eyes travel around it properly.

I knew that this was his childhood bedroom because his mother had told me the night before, but even if she hadn't, the trophies that lined the shelves were a pretty good giveaway.

There were a couple more of the bobbleheads that I'd seen at his apartment in London and a wall of photos that showed him as he grew.

The photo that caught my eye was almost identical to the one in the room I was staying in, his dad wrapping his arm around him and his mother with a cheerful smile.

The stack of vinyl records on the desk in the furthest corner of the room was the last thing I saw, and I remembered with a start what I had thrown in along with the rest of my luggage before I left the house.

"I'll be back in a second." I said, making my way out of the door quickly. I caught a glimpse of the way his face clouded over in confusion, but I figured I would explain when I got back.

I could only imagine the bravery that it had taken for him to tell me all the things that he had, and it gave me a little of my own.

I rifled through the organised mess of my suitcase and stopped looking when my hands clamped around the cold plastic of the mixtape.

My memories flashed back to the moment that I had originally planned to give it to him, my hands fixed firmly behind my back by the jealousy I felt when I saw him with that other girl.

Since then I had made a million excuses to myself to justify why I hadn't given it to him yet, everything from it 'not being the right time' to it 'being a dumb idea.'

I didn't know why I suddenly felt so compelled to give it to him now. Maybe it was the same reason I had packed it in the first place.

All I knew was that with every scribbled letter of that journal, he gave me a piece of him.

I read his private thoughts. The least I could do was let him hear mine.

There wasn't enough time for me to feel insecure about the songs I had recorded for the mixtape, which I barely even remembered. I just hoped I hadn't put something on it that I would end up regretting.

Gabriel was standing at the window when I re-entered and my mouth suddenly felt a little drier.

The leather jacket he had been wearing before had been replaced by a polo shirt, one that showed off the arms I hadn't yet seen outside of clothing.

Muscles corded together and flexed whenever he moved so much as an inch, and my eyes slowly took in the way his broad shoulders tapered down to a narrow waist.

The hard ridges of his body were hinted at underneath the shirt, and my fingers itched to run over them like they had before.

"You done checking me out yet?"

My ogling was interrupted by his voice, the deep tone contrasted by the playfulness I could hear filtering into it. Sure enough, my eyes met his to see that they were gleaming with amusement.

My cheeks burned a little, but I couldn't think of anything worse than showing him that I was embarrassed.

So I owned up to it. If I was going down, I might as well do it in style.

"No. Give me a few more minutes." I smiled.

His unrestrained laughter filled the room before it died down as suddenly as it came, and I looked up to see why.

Oh.

His eyes had honed in on the mixtape I was holding between my fingertips, and flickered up to mine questioningly. "What's that?"

Dammit. Too late to back out now.

"A mixtape." I replied, keeping it exactly where it was.

I squirmed under his gaze for a little while, and I could almost hear the cogs in his head turning. "Is it for me?" He asked, eyes holding mine.

The doubt that had been missing so far suddenly made an appearance, and I found myself backtracking. "I... um... no it was dumb anyway."

Before I could hide it from his view he was striding away from the window and over to me, hands outstretched.

"Is it for me?" He asked again, a little firmer this time.

My bottom lip slipped between my teeth as I answered. "Yeah."

His fingers brushed against mine as they took the mixtape from my hands, and I caught a glimpse of the small smile that was pulling at his lips.

I watched as he got a cassette out of a drawer and put the mixtape into it, turning to me before he pressed the button to start it.

The first notes of a song that I instantly recognised rung through the room, and I closed my eyes in my eyes in a wince.

"Summertime is meant to fall in love..."

I had only put it on the mixtape because I thought of it as a genuinely good song that he would appreciate, but now it seemed as though I was trying to send him a message through the lyrics.

There was a small, tiny, infinitesimal part of me that feared I actually might have been.

When the song crescendoed, it wasn't just the notes that had risen. The air in the room had shifted with it.

Gabe approached me slowly. It was clear that he didn't feel the need to run anymore.

That meant that he knew what I knew.

We were like magnets. No matter how much I tried to pull away, I'd always somehow find my way back to him.

His eyes were swirling with a dangerous mix of hunger and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on, and I could already tell this wouldn't bode well for me.

I stopped him with a whisper right before his body met mine, our lips inches away from each other. "Gabe, your mum is downstairs."

He smiled against my mouth, removing the distance between us. "I don't care."

- - - -

I flung clothes haphazardly around the room in frustration.

Even though I knew I'd packed more than enough, it suddenly felt as though I had no nice clothes.

My nerves settled when I found the vest that I'd been looking for, a white one with grey detailing and a scooped neck, and I paired it with my favourite pair of brown jeans.

I made my way downstairs, spurred on by the sound of laughter coming from below.

A man that I'd never seen before was standing next to Gabriel's mum when I reached the bottom of the staircase.

He had strong features, the kind that had barely been touched by age in any way, tanned skin that had me placing him as a Cornwall native and a genuine smile when he looked at me. "You must be Cora. I'm Martin."

The blanks were filled in for me when he wrapped his arm around Maggie's waist, and I smiled back. "Nice to meet you."

I looked over at Gabriel to see how he felt about this, but his eyes were focused on the two of them. Even with the distance between us, I could see how they had softened slightly.

My heart grew a little fuller at the thought that Martin was winning him over.

Gabe's mum placed platters of food onto the table while Martin made small talk.

"Are you two coming to the bonfire tomorrow?" He asked, eyes darting between me and Gabe.

I hadn't even known that there was going to be a bonfire but Gabe must have, because he answered instantly. "Yeah. After we go swimming."

Swimming? That was new.

I drooled a little at the thought of Gabe shirtless before pushing it down. I didn't know what had gotten into me the past few days.

"Dinner's ready!" Maggie announced and we headed over to the dining table.

The sound of forks clattering and compliments about the food were the only things that could be heard for a while, and then conversation started.

I found out that Martin was an accountant who - I was right - had lived in Cornwall his whole life. He met Gabe's mum when he entered her flower shop to get plants for his office, and it had just taken off from there.

They seemed equally infatuated with each other and the look in Martin's eyes whenever he spoke about Maggie was enough to have him winning my approval.

When we had all finished eating, he pulled Gabriel aside in a conversation that took place too far away for me to hear what they were saying properly, but I did manage to catch the occasional word or two.

"Not trying to replace him..."

"I really like your mother..."

"...make her happy, and I'll be happy."

"Cora?" I spun around at the sound of Maggie's voice to see her standing in the doorway.

She beckoned me into the living room with her hands and I found myself on the same couch that Gabe and I had sat on a day ago.

"We haven't had the chance to talk yet, so I thought I'd pull you away now." She explained.

Steadying myself with a small breath, I gave her a genuine smile. "Let's talk."

We got the obvious stuff out of the way first, with her telling me what it was like to work in a flower shop, and me telling her about my upcoming feature at the gallery.

"That's amazing!" She praised, eyes crinkling at the corners.

I smiled bashfully. I still didn't know how to react because I couldn't really believe it myself.

I told her about the plants that we had crammed into the café, sparing no details about what they were like to take care of since I could tell she was genuinely interested, and we bonded over them for a while.

Once we had finished that conversation, she excused herself for a moment. Not before I caught the mischievous gleam in her eyes though, and I had to wonder what she was up to.

I got my answer when she re-emerged with the thickest book I'd ever seen, her hands struggling to wrap around it.

She dropped it onto the table in the centre of the room with a thud, turning to look at me with a wide grin.

"This is a photo album filled with pictures of Gabe growing up. I thought you might want to look through it with me." She said, eyes glittering while she waited for my response.

I fought a smile when I remembered that Gabriel had told me to say no to this exact scenario, and nodded instead. "Of course."

I watched attentively as Gabriel's chubby face thinned out with each page flip, and his signature dimples began to appear more frequently.

He was clearly a happy kid if the wide smiles that I saw in each picture were anything to go by.

My heart squeezed at one that showed him on his dad's back, and Maggie must have noticed by reaction because she began to speak. "That's Gabe's dad. He passed away ten years ago."

She continued, her face more somber than before. "He took it really hard. And I'm pretty sure he still beats himself up over it, even now. He thinks I don't know but I do."

I listened intently but didn't say anything. She turned to face me, her eyes searching my face before she spoke softly. "Hold on. You already knew, didn't you?"

I nodded with a sad smile. "It broke my heart when he told me. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." She said, her face serious for a few beats before it broke into a wide grin, identical to the one I'd seen on Gabriel so many times.

That was a reaction I hadn't been expecting at all, and I cocked my head to the side a little in question.

She seemed to sense my confusion and explained, her grin widening if that was even possible. "You're special. He barely tells anyone about his dad."

My eyes widened of their own accord. If I thought he was putting a lot of trust in me before, I was gobsmacked now.

Our conversation came to an end with words that I think even then, I knew I would remember for the rest of my life.

"Gabriel loves to do things for other people. He'll smile and play basketball like everything's okay, but he loses himself a little in the process."

She continued. "I've never seen him like this before. Truly happy instead of just faking it for everybody else. I think you might have been just what he needed."

My mouth fell open a little. I didn't even know how to respond.

She smiled. "You don't need to say anything. Just don't let him lose you."

Hi my loves!!!

I loved this chapter but it was SO hard to write. Getting into the mind of an eleven year old boy is way harder than you would think lmao

The song the mixtape played was Summertime in Paris by Jaden and Willow Smith in case you were curious - highly recommend it and it's one of my favs

Anyways be excited for the next chapter! Let's just say that drunk Cora is my favourite Cora ;)

Q/A: What time is it where you are? <3