Camera Shy: Chapter 18

I reach across my nightstand and flip over my phone to check the time and my nonexistent missed calls. One fifteen in the morning. Well, shit. I wildly misjudged that. I really thought she’d call. I left Avery my number but didn’t grab hers.

Best sex of my life.

And I didn’t grab her number.

And plus, I’m her…what? Sex coach? Friend? Client? All of the above. I’m also the guy who’s more into this arrangement than I should be.

It’s simple really. Avery is open about her insecurities and asks questions because yes, maybe she trusts my so-called expertise in the bedroom, but she’s also very clearly written me off. She can’t fathom that I’d want her when it comes to a real relationship. She’s dead wrong. Would I spook her if I told her that I’d never been that hard during sex before and I really wanted to stay the night? I left like it was nothing, but it fucking bothered me. Would she snap closed like a bear trap if I told her I really like her and she’s sort of restoring my faith in genuine connections?

Here’s the problem—I like Avery because we can talk. I would bet the last dollar in my pocket that if I told her I was legitimately into her, she’d turn into the rest of them. Overcompensating, paranoid, defensive, and possessive. It happens every single time. What I have with Avery is perfect because it’s riskless. All reward… Okay, mostly reward. We should be in the same bed right now. That’s the next lesson I’m going to teach her. After great sex, you fall asleep next to each other, then wake up at one fifteen in the morning and do it again—

Buzz. Buzz.

Well, speak of the damn devil. My phone subtly vibrates and my prayers are answered. A little later than I expected, but hell, I’ll take whatever Avery’s willing to give at this point.

Looking at my screen, I see it’s an unsaved number, an area code I don’t recognize.

“Hey, you,” I answer with a wide smile on my face. “Change your mind?”

“Finn?”

I nearly choke when I hear the voice on the other end of the line. Shooting up in bed, I pull the sheet over my lap, trying to cover up like I got caught naked. This seems to be my default around Nora. I’ve done nothing wrong, but I’m always jumpy. “Nora?”

“Change my mind about what?”

I suck in a slow breath. I could hang up. I should just fucking hang up. But I loved this woman for years. Never once in all that time did I treat her poorly. When I ended things, I asked her for civility. Maybe I shouldn’t provoke her. “Nothing, I thought you were someone else. Did you get a new number?”

“Yeah. I’m on Morgan’s plan. Who’s calling you in the middle of the night, Finn?” Her tone grows cool and my jaw twitches with agitation.

It’s not your business who’s calling me at any time of the day or night.

“Apparently you. Why are you calling me this late? Is it an emergency?”

“I had to wait until…” She trails off.

“Until Morgan fell asleep?” Who am I kidding? Of course they’re living together. Nora can’t stand the idea of living alone. “If he doesn’t want you calling me, then you shouldn’t be calling me. I have to go—”

“Wait. Finn, please. I’m just calling to apologize. I know he called you. If he was an ass, I’m sorry…he’s so…so…controlling. He shouldn’t have called.”

I press the speaker button and toss my phone on the bed. It sinks into the down comforter about a quarter inch. This duvet is overly fluffy and not my taste. Nora picked it out. I need to get rid of this thing.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing for him. And it’s not a big deal. I cleared it up, but just so you know, he thinks you’re cheating on him—”

“I’m not.”

“I didn’t ask if you were. I simply said he thinks you are. Whatever you two are going through, leave me out of it this time.”

I hear a door creak open and click closed on her end. I imagine her tiptoeing out of her apartment, well out of earshot. She’s silent except for the sound of her shoes clicking against iron stairs. When she’s finally reached her destination, she says in a huff, “I’m trying, but I…I just don’t love him, Finn. I’ve been trying really hard to move on, but I miss you.”

“Nora, stop—”

“No, please,” she pleads. “Finn, I swear I can do better. I’ve been working on myself. All the things you said, all the awful things you called me out for…you were right. You are right. I’ve been reading some books about anxiety and how sometimes people who come from bad childhoods can kind of project their insecurities—”

“Nora.” One word silences her. It’s my tone. Flat. Unconvinced.

“Please? Can we just meet? For coffee? It’s been a long time. People can change and grow up… I want to show you that I can be a different person for you.”

Nora’s easier to deal with when she’s being unreasonable and cruel. It makes sense to walk away. But every time she’s about to cry, my natural instincts kick in. My primal urge to fix it and make it better gets the best of me. So instead of hanging up, like I should, I do what I’ve been trying and failing at for years—I try to explain.

“It never bothered me that you had anxiety or insecurities. What bothered me is how you treated me. What bothered me is how I was paying for mistakes I never made. I treated you with respect, love, and patience from the very beginning and for some reason you punished me for it. Maybe if I’d been an outright dick to you, you would’ve respected me back.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I wasn’t in control of—”

“Nora.”

“Finn,” she says through a sniffle. “I’m not happy. You’re the only one who makes me happy and I will do better. I will treat you better. I promise. We don’t have to rush. Can we just meet up and talk?”

For once when it comes to Nora, my head and my heart are in the same place. “No. Listen to me. If you don’t love Morgan, leave him. But if the reason you’re unhappy is because you’re holding onto the idea of us…don’t. We’re not going back to our awful relationship. I’m sorry. It’s time to move forward, and us together is not the future.”

I blow out a big breath and rub my hands over my face. Thank you, Avery. I needed to know that talking to a woman doesn’t have to be painful, full of miscommunications and misunderstandings. I should look forward to a call, not dread it. I should be laughing more often than trying to hold back my anger.

The line is silent for a while before she speaks again. I can feel the atmosphere shift. I can picture her eyes narrow and her hand on her hip as her tone turns frigid. “You’re seeing someone.” She says it like an accusation.

I’m silent. Just hang up, Finn. This is a textbook trap.

“Did you hear me?” she asks, her tone still icy.

“I did.”

“Well, are you?”

I carefully compose my words. “Whether I am or not doesn’t change anything I just said.”

“Who?” Nora asks in what can only be described as a hiss.

“Why? So you can put a target on her back?”

“No. I just want to know who is so damn great that they’d make you close the door on us. How could you just move on like—”

I howl in irritation. “Are you fucking kidding me with this hypocrisy? You’re living with Morgan. You’re on his cell phone plan. Of all the dudes you could pull—Morgan? After what we went through?”

“It’s not like—”

“Stop. We’ve been broken up for almost a year now. Yes, I’m seeing someone. Yes, I’m really into her. No, I won’t tell you who. There’s nothing left to accuse me of.”

“I’ve been trying to call you for months, Finn. It takes a new number for you to even answer your phone? You left me and broke me. You didn’t keep any of the fucking promises you made. I actually thought you loved me.”

I ignore the tug in my chest. “The gaslighting is old, Nora. You say you’ve changed, but this is exactly the shit I left behind. We’re not together. I care about you. I want good things for you. But I don’t love you anymore.” I blow out another breath, trying to calm my rising blood pressure. When the heat of my frustration subsides a little, I add, “Look, we’re better apart. End of story. I’m happier now.”

“You’re a goddamn liar. You’re never going to stop thinking about me. Just like I’m never going to stop thinking about you. You can act like you don’t care, but you are never going to love someone the way you loved me.”

“Yeah, I hope not. That love almost destroyed me.”

“Fuck you, Finn. I hate you,” she says through sobs before she abruptly hangs up.

They aren’t crocodile tears. They’re legitimate. Nora’s furious enough to cry when she doesn’t get her way and she loses control of a situation. It used to work on me. I’d see her wet eyes and the tear-stained cheeks on her pretty face and I’d completely forget I wasn’t the one in the wrong. That kind of love is dangerous. Blinding. Manipulative. It will steal a man’s soul. I barely escaped with mine…I’m not risking it again.

One thirty-two a.m. Dammit. I’m up now.

I pull off the covers and swing my legs around, my feet hitting the wood floor with a soft thud. This house always sounds so hollow at night. Every step I take toward the kitchen echoes loudly off the walls.

Opening the fridge, I decide on an Alaskan Amber. I grab the magnetic bottle opener from the fridge door and I’ve barely popped the top on my beer when I hear the faintest knock at the front door. It’s past one in the morning. Either this is Avery or the politest burglar in the world.

Pausing by the security alarm, I disarm the front door and open it to see Avery, her hair in its usual disarray. She’s wearing pajama shorts and a tight tank top that’s so long it hugs the outward curve of her womanly hips. I never thought I had a type before but fuck, do I like her full hourglass figure. I love how she feels in my hands, like her body was made as my personal playground. Why is she so confused about how enticing she is?

Avery holds out my sports coat and speaks before I can. “You’re up.”

I can’t help my smug smile. “I tried to sleep. A call woke me up. Not your call, which was a little disappointing.” I lean against the doorframe and she takes a tiny step backward, still holding my jacket out. “This might be better, though.”

“I’m crazy for bothering you this late, but you forgot your suit jacket. I wasn’t sure if you’d need it tomorrow.”

I cock an eyebrow. “For what?”

She sucks in her lips, her cheeks flushing. “You know…for like meetings or…meetings.” She snorts in laughter at her lame excuse as I take the jacket from her and toss it behind me. It hits the floor with a clank, the metal buttons meeting the hard floor.

“What’s up, Avery? Do you want to come in?” I hold out my hand, but she doesn’t take it. She only shakes her head and shrugs.

“The last time I had sex outside of a relationship is when I was seventeen. It was so awkward, I was happy to leave for college and never see him again.”

I nod along, unsure of where this is going. “Okay.”

“I’m not a hookup kind of girl, so this is new. Everything is new. I thought I was okay, but I couldn’t sleep. Tonight was…”

I raise my brows fully, feeling my forehead crinkle. “How was it?”

“Physically? Spectacular. By far the best I’ve ever had… But my heart feels a little empty right now. I guess I wanted to come by and ask you for more advice.”

“Being?” I scour her eyes, looking for a clue. Is she okay? Is this too much, too soon?

“Does it go away? How many hookups until sex doesn’t feel so…hollow?”

If you’d just take my hand and come upstairs, get under the covers with me, let me hold you, you’d know… It wasn’t just a hookup. “Honestly?” I let out a breathy, humorless chuckle. “I’ll let you know. According to my research so far, it’s a lot.”

She rolls her eyes. “Ah, dammit.”

I want her to come inside, but I know if I close the space between us, she’ll just back farther away. I have to play this carefully. I don’t even know what I’m playing for. Let’s say Avery and I give it a go…we’d be on a timeline. One summer to decide if we’re the real deal. That’s a lot of pressure for two people with broken hearts. Avery’s wounds are fresh. Mine are older, but they never really healed.

“Is that what you’re looking for?”

“Hm?” she asks, lifting her eyes to match my intense stare.

“Hookups? I thought you were a relationship kind of girl. Are you wanting to explore your options when you go back to California?”

Her laugh is bitter, mixed with a scoff like I said something ridiculous. “I just want to have options, Finn.” She points to my chest, then to hers. “We are different. You walk into a bar and you see options. I walk into a bar and just hope I’m even seen. It’s why…” She takes another little step backward as her eyes drop once more.

“Why what?” Don’t stop. Talk to me… Just come inside.

“Why I fell in love with Mason. He was the first guy to ever really see me. He was the only man to ever pick me over Palmer. It’s hard to look past her. She’s stunning, obviously—”

“She’s attractive, I’ll admit,” I interrupt. Avery bobs her head, pretending like my statement doesn’t offend her. How many times has she been passed over while her best friend gobbled up the attention? “But I think you put more stock in that than you should…”

“Huh?” Her face screws up in confusion. Ah, fuck it. I take a large step forward through my doorway. My bare toes nudge against the edge of her flip-flops.

“Real beauty isn’t loud and demanding. It’s subtle.” I tuck a loose strand of her rich, dark hair behind her ear. “Men look past you because you represent what they’re scared of. Palmer’s the kind of attractive you enjoy for the night. You have the kind of beauty you worship for a lifetime.”

She rolls her eyes and tries to step away, but I grab her by her shoulders.

“Stop that,” I command.

Her eyes bulge. Clearly, my tone startles her. “Stop what?”

“New lesson. You want your love life to be satisfying, right?”

She simply nods in response.

“Then learn to take a compliment. Stop flinching every time I tell you you’re beautiful.” Hooking my finger under her chin, I slide my arm around her waist.

“What’re you doing?” she asks in a whisper.

“Listen to me, okay?” Using my finger, I move her chin up and down, forcing her to nod. “Avery, look at me.”

Her eyes lift, but she’s trying to look over my shoulder. I’m not satisfied.

“Hey, I mean really look at me.” I try to control my breathing, but my chest tightens when her misty green eyes lock onto mine. “I noticed you in the car that day. Not Palmer. You’re exactly my kind of beautiful. I’m looking… I see you.”

At first, I think my finger is shaking, but turns out Avery’s chin is wobbling. “Okay,” she mumbles.

Shaking my head, I lean in a little closer. My lips are almost touching hers. “If I were to tell you you’re great at your job as a brand consultant, what would you say?”

“Thank you,” she says without hesitation.

“Why?” I stroke my thumb across her soft, warm cheek, still holding her head up with my finger tucked under her chain.

“Because I know. I’m great at my job because I work really hard. It doesn’t mean I can’t get better, but I know I’m good.”

“Exactly. So when I tell you you’re beautiful…” I press my lips against hers. It’s hardly a kiss. Just a curious, reassuring touch. “Just know it…say thank you.”

She finally smiles, understanding my message. But much to my dismay, she cradles my hand in both of hers before pulling it from her face. “Thank you, Finn. That was sweet.” She drops my hand but doesn’t pull away.

“What is it?” I study her clouded expression, her eyebrows angled, her thoughts clearly racing. It’s a familiar look and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

“Maybe that’s what went wrong with Mason. How could he want me if I didn’t want myself? Maybe he would’ve complimented me more if I had just said thank you. I always used to brush him off and tell him he was only saying things to placate me.”

I suddenly realize I recognize the look on her face. I used to wear it whenever Nora and I broke up. When we weren’t together, but I was still in love with her. Avery’s not ready. They just broke up. What was I thinking? You don’t forget four years in a couple of weeks.

“Maybe if I had talked to him more,” Avery continues, “it wouldn’t have ended like it did. Maybe I can learn to talk to men the way I can talk to you.”

I touch my knuckle to my lips and ask the question that’s been burning in my mind since the moment I met her. “Why do you talk to me like this? Why are you so at ease?”

She gives me a guarded smile as she lifts her shoulders. “Because you’re Vegas.” She retreats. Taking one large step backward, she nearly falls off the concrete step. “Thanks for talking to me. I’m going to get some sleep. This week, I’m going to work on some design ideas for your website. I haven’t forgotten my end of the deal. I’m going to do a really good job for you. We’re going to make your business soar.”

“Okay.” I blow out a breath, hoping she hears my reluctance. Don’t go. You’re already here. You wanted to see me…so stay. “So I’ll see you soon?”

She nods overenthusiastically. “Yes. I’ll text you.” She turns and scuttles down the concrete steps. I call out to her when she reaches the sidewalk.

“Avery, wait!”

She halts in place and pivots to face me in the doorway.

“You said I’m ‘Vegas.’ What the hell does that mean?”

She holds her palms up and shrugs like it’s obvious. “What happens in Vegas, Finn…”

Oh. I hide my annoyance as she waves and heads down the sidewalk. I wait on the stoop, watching her until I’m sure she’s made it safely into Dex’s house before I groan in annoyance.

Stays in Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays here. Fuck. That’s why she’s so willing to be vulnerable and open with me.

One summer. That’s all she wants. One fucking summer to build up her confidence so she can go running right back to the man who doesn’t see her.