14. | surrounded by flowers

Afraid.

Monster.

Hearing these words fall from Ethan's lips, brings me back to a memory that has been buried for a while. I let it wash over and consume me as my mind wanders back to another one of those days.

As a child, my mom would tell me to pee before going to bed so I wouldn't have to wake up at night. Of course, as the stubborn child I was, I never did what she said. This resulted into me waking up nearly every single night, regretting the fact that I didn't go before I fell asleep. I'd stand on my bed to jump as far as I could manage with my short legs, making sure not to land near my bed. You never know what kind of monsters are hiding under there, ready to grab me by the ankles and drag me in.

After surviving the first part, I would walk over to my parents' room, just next to mine. I'd do my best not to make any noise, so I'd scuff, not waking up any made-up scary creatures.

Perhaps those scary creatures weren't just the monsters underneath my bed. Perhaps the monster I feared the most was my father, who would sometimes pass out on the couch downstairs, spilled alcoholic beverages and empty cans surrounding him. I would not dare to wake him up in that state.

Slowly turning the doorknob, I'd walk over to my parents' bed. The fact that my father was never there always upset me. Not because I missed him, but because I didn't enjoy watching their marriage fall apart. Somehow in my childish mind, I hoped they would fix everything between them. I couldn't yet understand that my father himself was the problem, and that's not really something you can fix after all those years. He couldn't be changed, nor fixed.

When I asked my mother where he was on some evenings, she'd say he was working another night shift. I'd never understand why he'd always work night shifts, but I just kept that to myself. I didn't ask any more questions.

That was before the physical abuse began, after years of mental abuse. When that started, my mom and I could finally breathe a little when he wasn't home. I'd beg my mom to keep him away for as long as possible. It was a relief to have some time in the house without having him around.

I stared at my mother's face for a few minutes, listening to her as her chest slowly moved, rising and falling with every calm breath she took. I remember how abnormally gorgeous she was. Maybe because she was my mother and I admired her as her daughter, as the child who idolized her from the minute she was born. Maybe she was breathtaking in everyone's eyes, that's what I like to believe. Her hair was a warm color of brown and she looked so peaceful with her eyelids closed, her green eyes underneath. She made me love green at an early age. I couldn't help myself, one look into her eyes and I knew I wanted her around forever.

Forever didn't last that long.

I never could've thought a few years later I'd admire her with her eyelids closed yet again, surrounded by flowers, lifeless in a coffin. Not a single movement within her chest, her brown locks drooped around her pale face, her dull green eyes buried beneath her fallen eyelids.

The eyes that had seen the truth. The truth I would give my everything to be able to access.

When I finished admiring her, I'd slowly whisper and shake her in order for to wake her up. I'd do it in a calm manner because she got scared quickly. No matter how carefully I woke her, she'd always wake up in panic, thinking that something had happened to me. After telling her sorry and promising I'd wake her up more carefully next time, I'd tell her I really had to pee. She'd laugh at this and hold my hand, bringing me to the toilet and preventing me from being bait to the monsters.

After a few minutes, she would bring me back to my bed. I'd thank her with a hug and then I'd jump on my bed. Once again not wanting the monster under my bed to drag me down there. Sometimes we would just sleep together for the rest of the night, cuddling and enjoying each other's safety and warmth.

I always thought that I feared the monsters, but I think I was more scared of losing my comfort, my mother. After the day she passed away I finally didn't wake up at night anymore, because I barely slept.

I loved my mother dearly, and I wish my father would be the one to be surrounded by flowers he didn't deserve, instead of the usual empty beer cans. I wish I could have witnessed burying him six feet under.

Why is it always the good ones that leave us so early? Perhaps God just wants them to be near Himself. Perhaps He thinks we do not deserve those good people. And He's right, we don't.

I let out an unnoticeable sigh as I force myself to face reality instead of holding onto these memories. I'm not in the past anymore, I'm here, in this room with Ethan. There was an uncomfortable haze lingering around the room we've been sitting in for several minutes now, surrounding Ethan and myself. I wasn't sure if it was because of the previous heated argument that went down between us, or the sentence that made me think of monsters.

"This is exactly what I've been so afraid of."

I want to say something, speak up and tell him I am not afraid, that I do not think he's a monster. Truth is that I'm searching for the appropriate words. Not a single sound seems to be able to leave my throat, resulting in me looking down at my hands. It felt helpless to try and fix the direction the conversation was heading into.

He doesn't say anything either, as I feel his presence leaning in a little closer, towering over me. At this point I don't dare to look at him yet, afraid my facial expression will give away the wrong message. I don't want to mess this up, not more than I already have. Ethan takes a few more silent seconds before breaking it with words I did not really expect.

"Whether you like it or not, I'm going to win your trust back." He leans back as I finally look up, daring to meet his eyes in the process. His gaze was steady, forcing my pulse to jump. "I'm not losing you, not like this, not now, not ever. I'm not doing that to--" He studies my face for a mere second before he mumbles and finishes his sentence.

"Us."

Us.

Was there ever an us?

Was there even an us at this point?

Weren't we both rushing recklessly into this thing?

Everything seems to move so quickly, but slow at the same time. I feel this unfamiliar tug in the pit of my stomach. I feel gravity pulling me towards him. I want to dive into this reckless and idiotic thing, with him. I want to explore him; I want to hear his darkest secrets and find a way to accept and admire him, nevertheless. I want to fall in love. I want to throw away all my lost fantasies, because he wasn't in any of the old ones.

I've been thinking about him a lot. It might sound silly, reckless, dumb even, for me to feel this towards someone in these circumstances, in this period of time. Yet, I have no choice. It happens. It happened. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of having questions.

I want to laugh and yell into the darkness of a forest, I want to lay in tulip fields while staring at a starry night. I want him to look at me the same way I'd look at the stars. I want to be his falling star wish, because he sure as hell will be mine. I want to cry into his chest and wet his shirt, letting his steady breaths remind me of why I'm still here. I want him to vent to me and cry onto my shoulder, showing his vulnerable side.

I want him, and I want him to want me too.

Overwhelmed by all of my thoughts, I just stare at him. "Us." I softly whisper, almost in a questioning tone.

"Us." He whispers, his green eyes more determined this time. "Us." He repeats as if he's convincing not just me, but himself as well.

"Us." Is once again all I manage to stammer out, the feeling of my erratic heart in the depth of my throat.

He has looked at me a hundred times, but there is something different in this gaze. The intensity of it causes my mouth to feel dry as he watches my reaction to our repeated words. Promises perhaps.

Us. It was hope for the both of us, and I would not dare to let this newly made promise fade.

Something passes through Ethan's eyes, a flicker of hope with a hint of amusement. Leaving me like a speechless mess, he doesn't say another word and walks out of the room, not even waiting for Reed to pick him up first. Leaving me aching for the next time I could be near him again.

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A/N; i'm such a hopeless romantic, it honestly hurts.

fun fact: i use to wake my mom up every single night to bring me to the toilet, sometimes even falling back asleep while peeing haha. also i still am afraid of the dark. so there's a part of me in brooklyn in this chapter.

anyways!! thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed.

please don't forget to vote & comment, i really enjoy reading every single one of them.

— lyra b.