Chapter Thirty Nine

Despite busying myself with chores all day, I felt worry gnawing away at the back of my mind. It was an hour before midnight and I had done nothing but wait for Marco's call since grandma went to sleep. Her company had kept me in check and stopped me from obsessing about it but now that I was alone, I continued to check my phone either for signal or new messages and calls.

At one point I had even thought about calling Marco to ask him about Nicolas but barely held myself back. He looked really exhausted when I saw him in the morning and I didn't want to bother him so late at night.

I paced around the living room, an attempt to tire myself out enough to be able to sleep. After a while I decided to make myself a cup of grandma's favourite chamomile tea. She had often told me how it helped her relax and sleep.

Even after consuming three cups of the weird tasting tea, I found myself typing out a message to Marco. Even though it consisted of just two words 'how's Nicolas?', it took me more than ten minutes to type it out and press send.

Once done, I laid on the ground, in the cramped space between the couch and the table. I couldn't even say that my thoughts wandered back to Nicolas, since he had been on my mind since last night. I vividly remembered laying beside him, feeling his warmth and just joking around with him. It all seemed like a dream now that I was thinking about it. A dream that came to an end so abruptly I wasn't even able to cherish it properly.

I picked up my phone again after mulling over for the next few minutes. Instead of Marco's reply, Tay's message popped up. I sighed, suddenly remembering that I still hadn't replied to him.

Dialling his number, I turned on the speaker and rested the phone over my chest.

"When do we have to start?" I questioned, ignoring his greeting.

His hesitation miffed me.

"When, Tay?" I asked again, keeping my gaze at the ceiling.

"Next week."

A hollow laugh bubbled up in my throat.

"Can you text me the rest of the information?" I asked even while knowing he would.

Once he had agreed, I cut off whatever else he was about to say. "Thanks. I'll see you soon."

I was grateful for the fact that he didn't try to say anything else. He just uttered a goodbye before disconnecting the call.

Looking over to the wall clock, I realized it was already past midnight, it was Friday already. I jumped to my feet in an instant. I quickly texted grandma to let her know I was going out and probably wouldn't be back until morning.

After donning my shoes and coat, I was already on my way to meet Nicolas.

~~~

I found Marco sitting in the dark in front of Nicolas' cabin. I had to use my phone's flash to see his face. I went over and sat beside him in silence.

"We're keeping him sedated." He informed me after a while. "Maya said it'll be easier for him that way." He turned to look at me.

I kept my gaze focused in the distance.

He bumped his shoulder against mine. "Your scent helped a lot."

Despite hearing that, I didn't feel any better. I couldn't even bring myself to react.

When I didn't respond, he pulled himself back. "Blue?"

It was hard to push myself to say those words again. "Can I see him?"

Marco sighed from beside me and I already knew what he was about to say.

"It's okay. I understand. I'll, uh, I should go back." I reluctantly pushed myself off the ground.

"Would you like some tea? Or coffee? I think I have hot chocolate too." Marco spoke up the moment I turned to leave.

My feet halted, my indecisiveness clear. I couldn't even decide if I felt stable enough to talk to anyone at the moment.

"It won't take long." I heard him stand up behind me and soon he was standing beside me. "Come on."

He stared at me until I nodded my head.

"Wait inside. I'll be there in a moment." He gestured toward Nicolas' cabin and my feet carried me inside without delay.

The vacant cabin made my heart squeeze. The messed up futons from the morning stuck out like a sore thumb in the otherwise tidy room. My eyes narrowed and I got to the work of folding them and placing them back in the corner.

When I was done, I sat down beside them, waiting for Marco. It took him a few minutes to finally enter the cabin with a wooden tray.

Placing the tray on the table in the corner, he turned to me. "Seems like I'm out of hot chocolate. So, tea or instant coffee?"

"Coffee. I've had enough tea." I answered and went to sit down on the chair beside him.

Once we both had a few sips of our own beverages, Marco looked up at me. "Is something wrong?"

With my eyes focused at the door on my left and folded my hands around the warm cup in my hand. "I think fate made a mistake."

"What mistake?" His voice sounded like he knew exactly what I was talking about but he wanted me to say it out loud.

"Nicolas and I."

Marco let out a hum. "You wish you hadn't met him?"

I instantly shook my head.

"Then it definitely wasn't a mistake." He responded after a while.

"Why's this happening then? I- it's like… I don't know. Nothing seems to be going the way it should." Gripping my head in my hands, I let out a sigh.

"That's life." Marco said after I lowered my head in defeat.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to go through it anymore. I had it all figured out... Everything was planned but now I feel lost. I can't deal with all of these choices and their consequences."

"Choices are life all about." Marco whispered, quietly placing his cup back on the table.

Blinking back tears, I shook my head. "No, it's not. It's like we're all under the pretence that we've choices but in reality we don't. Our path has already been decided for us and we've no choice but to walk on it, and the worse thing is that it all happens under the pretence that we chose it."

I heard him move his chair and place it next to me before I felt his hand gently moving over the back of my head.

"What made you think this way?" He questioned after a few minutes of silence.

"I keep having to choose one over another. How's this fair?" I sniveled. "I keep failing him. Even right now he's suffering. He shouldn't have to deal with this. He- he deserves to be happy."

When Marco's hand stopped, I continued again. "All I do is keep running over to him every time I'm distressed, like he already doesn't have enough things to deal with."

"It's natural to rely on your mate whe-"

"Then what about him? Who is he going to rely on? This weak human he was mistakenly paired with? The one who can't even help him with anything?" I snapped, raising my head to look at him. "I keep feeling guilty every time I think about him. Because of me right now he is in no condition to even protect the pack he treasures so much."

Marco kept his words and voice calm despite my temper. "None of this is your fault."

When tears threatened to escape, I lowered my head again. "I'm ruining everything. Why can't you see that? Why can't he?"

"You're not. He has been so happy since he met you. We've all noticed that."

"He would have been happier if it was someone else. Someone who could've stayed beside him, someone who can care for him as much as he does for others."

"Blue, if we are talking about what could've been, he could've gotten paired with someone worse than you can ever imagine. What if his mate had asked him to leave us for good? Do you think that would've made him happier?"

"Do you?" He asked again when I didn't answer.

I shook my head slightly.

"You're a much better person than you think. All of us, including Nicolas can see that."

I tried to reason again. "I don't want him to suffer because of me."

"And he wants the same for you." Marco retorted instantly. "He chose this to protect you. He wants to treasure you. You're as important to him as any of us if not more."

"You don't understand… If another situation arises, I would still choose grandma. I'd always choose her."

"As you should. There's nothing wrong with that." Marco reassured.

"And Nicolas?" I looked over to him with narrowed eyes.

"He understands it better than anyone else. Hasn't he told you that?"

Resisting the urge to express my frustration, I nodded, closing my eyes. "That makes it worse. He's too good…"

I felt Marco's hand on my shoulder. "Are you seriously complaining about your mate being too good to you?" He teased, his voice and words surprisingly light despite the situation.

"That's all I have been doing for a while now. I keep losing my mind every time it has something to do with Nicolas. It's like, I no longer have control over my emotions anymore."

Marco chuckled quietly. "That's matebond for you. It barely allows you to stay sane."

Another sigh escaped me. "I don't want to leave him like this. I won't even get to say goodbye."

"You are leaving?"

I nodded.

"When? For how long?"

"Monday. I got a job in the south, Jaursen. I don't really know when I'll be back."

"Jaursen? Is this what this was all about?"

I nodded again.

He let out a long exhale.

His hand stayed on my shoulder and he squeezed it lightly. "It'll be okay." He uttered under his breath despite the clear worry on his face.

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