Chapter Nine

I lingered in the shower, the hot water felt like heaven despite the fact I knew I was trapped in a prison. If I hadn't been so exhausted I would have been seething with anger and panic. He had refused to reject me and then mocked me, telling me to reject him. Both my wolf and I were pissed to all hell about it. I was never supposed to have a mate, especially one that was an arrogant, puffed up Alpha who was now going to keep me locked up in his territory.

The thought nearly sent me into a full blown panic attack. I didn't do well with being trapped. I needed to be able to roam around free and knowing that I was probably under lockdown to an Alpha who was being contrary simply because he didn't like being told what to do. I swallowed hard, scrubbing at my face as I tried to breathe through the sudden panic that felt like it was crushing my throat.

I nearly wheezed as I breathed in and out slowly, trying to fight back the panic I was feeling. I had to work through it, it did me no good to lose control when I was stuck in a place I didn't know with strangers all around me. I needed to calm down, emotions did nothing but make the world worse for everyone involved. When emotions ruled, everything went to shit.

I inhaled deeply, exhaling in a rush. I needed to be rational and think things through. I knew I needed to escape but I also knew I needed to know my enemy in order to appropriately handle what was going to happen. I did know I had been surprised to know he was an Alpha at all. A leaner male wearing glasses and lacking power. I had though the older male in the room had been the Alpha at first but that was until Jackass addressed him, the male leaning casually against the large wooden desk. The male with grey eyes are hard as stone but were more watchful than a hawk's.

The thought made me grit my teeth. He wasn't supposed to have a face or a body or any characteristics. He was supposed to be number thirty on my rejection tally list but instead he had essentially kidnapped me and was holding me hostage because he said he needed a mate. It was all bullshit. No one needed a mate like me. I was too weak, a muddie in most eyes but the memory of his overly warm body pressed against my back as he laid claim to me in front of the three others, made me question that. I could still feel the surprisingly dominating growls rumbling through my back. From an Alpha that seemingly lacked power, they were very dominating growls. It was odd. I shivered as the feeling of the vibrations ran through my once more.

I cursed heavily and I scrubbed at my skin with a wash cloth. I needed to get the feeling of him off of my skin. My hormones were everywhere and that was not a good thing. I was so used to dealing with new mating bonds, the ones that were brittle and fragile and easy to break, that I hadn't remembered what it was like to actually feed a bond. I wasn't sure if I liked remembering it.

The stronger the bond grew the less inclined I would be to reject it but the thought of him not actually accepting the rejection held me back. He seemed like the person who would be contrary enough to let the bond remain intact just to spite me. In fact that was exactly what he was like. I was fairly positive that was the reason he had stated he wanted to keep me.

I honestly hated him. I truly did. I hated him for not taking the easy way out of the situation. He had to be difficult and let his pride rule his better judgment. I knew it was pride because no Alpha in their right mind would ever want me as a mate. My wolf protested faintly and I felt a ping of sadness. I wanted her back so badly that it ached at times. Even though she was still there it was different from when I had grown up. She had always been there for me and I knew I would never truly be alone with her. Now I wasn't too sure.

I shivered with cold and turned the heat up. I was thankful for the chance at a shower, despite how much i did not appreciate being stuck in this place. I had been freezing and the summer night had done nothing to protect me from the iciness of the water. I rubbed my arms and let my body shudder. My legs trembled and I slowly sat down under the spray. The shower stall wasn't entirely exactly large but I was able to sit down somewhat comfortably. I drew my knees up to my chest and sighed.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was so used to being rejected that I was at a loss of what to actually do besides trying to either escape or force him to reject me. I wanted him to reject me, I needed him to reject me but the smirk he had on his face let me know he probably thought it was all a game. The thought made my chest twist uncomfortably. I had been at the mercy of many people playing games with me.

Being Sulo Lazera's granddaughter wasn't a good thing. Many of my first mates had been his doing. He had sent them to find me and my mother and when they did they were to reject me as their mates. Most of them kept the act up for weeks. The first one went months before he had rejected me. I had forgotten how much that one had hurt me. My only consolation was the fact it hurt him just as badly. The broken bond punishing him for dragging it out. After the third one my grandfather sent my way, I had started demanding rejections.

The bastard had done it for years, randomly sending people after us, using the Lazera curse of bonding to blood to hurt me. He did it just to let us know that while he still lived there was no where we could ever go where he couldn't find us. Which I learned was a lie because after my mother's death and me running away, I never heard from him again. I knew he was still alive, I heard all about him through the rogues I met but he never sent anyone else after me. I wondered if the game he played was no longer fun for him without my mother or if he couldn't truly find me or perhaps he simply didn't think I was worth the effort.

I pressed my forehead into my knees and let out a shuddering breath. I was tired of all of the political bullshit and games. I just wanted to be left alone. If I had any sense, I would have went completely muddie and disappeared into the mundane world but I couldn't do that. I was still a shifter, I still had a wolf. I was stuck on the very edge between the two worlds. I lacked a wolf to the point where no shifter wanted to deal with me and I had too much of a wolf to leave the shifter world behind.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It was one of my mother's sayings. She had told me she had learned it from some mundanes she had become friends with when she was younger. Shortly after she had been banished if I recalled correctly. I pushed the thoughts away. It hurt too much to think of my mother. It made guilt eat at my stomach and spine. I didn't deserve to remember the good times I had with her. I knew I would never forgive myself for what I had done. I didn't deserve forgiveness for that.

I turned my face up towards the spray of water and let out a shuddering breath as the hot water cascaded over me. I wanted it to absolve me of my sins but I knew that was impossible. Only Mene had the ability to wipe my scales clean, to restore my spirit to a perfect balance. I still wished for it though, to feel unburdened like I had been as a child.

I shook the thoughts away and got to my feet. I had no use for wallowing in misery or false hope. I needed to figure out how to free myself from the situation I was currently in. The Alpha I named Dickhead was a problem that I needed to fix but I had no clue where to even start. I rubbed at my forehead, a faint headache starting from the stress of the day. There was a faint thankfulness that he hadn't rejected me right off the bat. I didn't want to know what two rejections in one day would have done to me, let alone my poor wolf.

I would suffer the bond long enough for her to recover from the latest rejection and then try my hardest to piss Dickhead off. The nickname made me curl my lip up in disgust. He hadn't even been insulted by it. He had smiled at me and told me it sounded good before he stated his Romanian bullshit nickname for me. Which was completely idiotic because the male was in no way shape or form Romanian. He had no accent to speak of and he had too many North American nuances to be foreign.

"Pisică." The nickname rolled off my tongue and I fought back a shiver. His gentle voice that held a faint ruggedness had caressed the syllables gently as his grey eyes looked me over. "My cat." My voice edged with disgust. A fucking cat. He called me a fucking cat.

The anger returned full force and I seethed to myself as I quickly washed my hair and scoured my body a second time. "Stupid son of a whore monger. I'm going to strangle him to death with my bare hands." I wasn't sure what would happen if I killed him but I was aware that it probably wouldn't be fun or pretty. I figured it was more than worth it as I yanked the shower curtain back and grabbed a towel.

I quickly dried my hair before wrapping it around my body tightly. I glowered at the clothes on the floor, they smelled like him. A faint scent of something almost cold, like mint, and a musk that spoke of something completely masculine. I found myself inhaling slightly, trying to catch another whiff of it and I shook my head as I slapped my cheek. Hard. If the hormones would get out of control I figured pain would be useful in bringing me back around to sanity. I didn't need to get distracted. I kicked the clothes away and yanked open the bathroom door.

I honestly had expected him to be gone but he was sitting on the bed pulling off the bandage from his shoulder. I looked at the angry wound that was slowly being exposed and I couldn't help the sharp inhale I took as I winced. It looked painful, the edges were red and looked swollen, a side effect from the rapid healing, and the inside looked just as brutal. It was smaller than it had been. I could see quite a bit of pink scar tissue around it and I felt my wince deepen.

"Not pretty, I know. Hurts like a bitch as well." He glanced at me before turned back to his wound. He was touching the sides of it and I couldn't help myself as I trailed my eyes over his form.

He was well muscled but not a meat head like most Alphas I had the displeasure of meeting. He had a scarlet and white stone hanging from a leather strip around his neck and even from my position I could feel the spell that was placed on the stone. I wondered why I hadn't noticed it before. Oh that was right, I was terrified by the three shifters who looked ready to tear my throat out.

"There are some clean clothes in the dresser." He said it softly and I resisted the urge to slap myself again for feeding the bond as I yanked my gaze away from his form. I almost didn't like the thought of him not looking at me, almost because despite the bond I was still of a functioning mind and knew that the thought was fucking ridiculous. I hated mate bonds. Chemical lies made to trap a shifter into creating a future.

I looked around the room and my eyes zeroed in on the dresser quickly. I moved quickly to it yanking open the drawers. There were no underwear but I didn't particularly care. I didn't think any shifter did. We shifted so often they more often than not were a hindrance. I only wore them because I wore a lot of jeans and chaffing was a serious problem. However the flannel pyjama pants wouldn't cause that issue. I pulled out a pair that I knew would be a bit large on me but they were the smallest in there and then a t-shirt that I also knew would be large on me.

"You can feel free to put the clothes on out here. I'm not going to look." His back was to me and I glanced at him quickly, my eyes narrowing. All men were the same. Tits were tits and ass was ass and they would look no matter what they said.

"Like I would trust you, Dickhead." I scowled and tried not to let my eyes slide over the musculature in his back. Why did he have to be on the leaner side? That was my type and it wasn't fair. I didn't want to feel attracted to him and he had several points for him even without the mate bond. Leaner build, clean cut hair, fucking glasses, and a soft but rumbling voice. They were all fucking check marks on my list and it sucked major ball sack. I felt a curl of desire go through me and I shuddered with disgust, the bond was influencing my hormones and I was not appreciative of it at all.

"I have more things to worry about than what you look like naked, guriță." For some fucking reason that irritated me to no end. I glared at the back of his head and fought back a growl.

"Are you trying to offend me?" I snapped my teeth together as the words escaped without hesitation. The bond had a seriously strong hold on me. I made a mental note to never be near him if I was tired, it made me more susceptible to the bond's whims. Not to mention my hormones were fucking all over the place and me being in the same area code as him would not end well.

"Are you saying you want me to watch you get dressed?" He looked at me over his shoulder, his expression mixed with disbelief and confusion.

"What? No!" I crossed my arms over my chest and clenched my teeth. The bond was fucking with my thought process. I was too tired and emotional to deal with him properly, not when the bond was acting like it was. It wanted to be fed. The future demanded the bond grow and progress. Not to mention i felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and that was not helping my mental state any.

"Then please explain to me what you are saying." He shifted on the bed to look at me and I flared my nostrils as I exhaled heavily with anger.

"I don't know what I am saying! It's-it's this fucking bond and it's all your fault!" I pointed at him and I nearly saw red when he smirked, a small chuckle escaping his mouth. "You fucking asshole! This isn't funny!" I clenched my fists. He was so fucking aggravating. It was all just a big game to him and I hated being played with. Panic was starting to wrap around my chest and throat as his smirk deepened.

"I don't know. It's pretty funny from where I am sitting, my pisică." At that I stiffened and forced a calm, blank expression onto my face even though my insides were twisting and writhing with panic and rage.

Conceal your hate, your disdain, Shey. Don't let them see it. There's power in a mask.

My mother's words flew around me, thickening my hold over my expression. It was like riding a bike, one never forgot how to hide their feelings. It had been a while since i had needed to do it but I wouldn't give him the pleasure of my reactions, of my anger because it contributed to his game.

I wouldn't be played with as if my emotions were pretty little toys that someone could yank around. I had enough of that when I was younger. I turned around and yanked the towel off, dropping it on the floor. The air in the room was slightly cold and it nipped at my exposed skin as I stepped into the flannel pants. I tugged them over my hips and tied the string tightly so they wouldn't slip off. Rage simmered under my skin but the bond whispered at me, soothing it down in his presence and it made the anger that much worse and it did nothing but enhance the panic I was currently feeling

I tried to ignore the male that was staring at me from the bed. His eyes were burning holes into my exposed skin as I grabbed the t-shirt and pulled it over my head before whirling around. I kept my face blank and strode over to the bed and grabbed my backpack. I dug around and pulled out my hairbrush before pulling it through my hair. Although my face was blank, the rage I felt came though my actions as I ripped the brush through the tangles, barely noticing the pain. He was just like every other fucking male I had been mated to. That was why it was so much better to be rejected.

"Pisică, did I upset you?" His voice wasn't mocking or taunting, he sounded serious and that was what made the entire situation worse. The feeling the bond gave me at his sincere words soothed over the anger, smoothing it out. This was why it was worse. I couldn't be mad at him with a new bond, an unclaimed one. It made you rely on your mate, to care for them, to build up a relationship. It was a brutal lie that you couldn't escape.

"Go away." I didn't look at him as I yanked at a particularly nasty knot in my hair. I hissed in pain with a wince at the sharp tug. He was over the bed in a second, grabbing the brush from my stiff fingers. I wanted to plug my nose and scurry away from him. He was too close, he was everything around me. The bond made me ache to lean towards him, to let him wrap me in his arms and keep me safe, and I had to inhaled sharply to keep the panic from crushing my throat at the thought of being trapped like that. I couldn't let anyone that close, not ever again.

"You are going to tear your hair out." His voice was chiding as he found the knot and started to gently untangle it himself. The incessant feeling the bond gave me grew worse when he was close. He was bent down as he carefully untangled the knot. I felt the diluted rage surge through me hotly. The bond might have been able to temper the feeling but I was still in charge of my emotions for the moment and I was angry.

The bond enjoyed that he was taking care of me but I hated it. I hated it for the exact reason he was only doing it so he could twist my emotions to the point it hurt. I snatched out and grabbed his wrist tightly in my hand before I shoved it away from me as if it burned to touch. In a way it did. His skin was warm and when I touched it desire curled through me, whether I wanted it to or not. The panic rolled up through me and I did my best to hid the gasping of air and the racing of my heart. I needed to be calm.

"You do not have permission to touch me." I said it evenly but couldn't help it as my breathing wanted to come out in panicked puffs and wheezes. Angry and panic stricken tears pricked at my eyes and I hated that he put them there. I just wanted him to leave me alone. To let me sort out my fucking emotions and to get the balls to reject him and pray to Mene that he would accept it.

"I mean, technically as your mate one would say I didn't need to have permission, pisică." The way he said it made me wish for my wolf so I could sink my teeth deep into this throat and not let go until he stopped twitching. "I'm not leaving until you are no longer upset with me." He reached for me and I smacked his hand away harshly. A low growl erupted from his chest and he reached for me again only to receive the same treatment.

I didn't want him touching me or even near me because it muddled my thoughts. The heat his touch brought was enough to melt my stubborn pride and send desire curling through me and that made the panic that much worse. I didn't want to feel anything for him because it only ended up hurting me in the end. It was how it always was. I knew how the world worked, I wasn't naive or foolish to believe in happily ever afters. Not anymore.

"Pisică." There was a low warning in his voice and I snapped my gaze to his as he reached for me once more. I slapped his hand away once again and his eyes narrowed. His eyes went from soft and light grey to hard and dark like stone. It was as if he was having a battle with himself and I couldn't help the small tremble of fear when I realized he was more of a muddie than I was. The puffed up Alpha was pushing his wolf away and I didn't want to be there when the wolf came out. The more you pushed against the wolf, the harder it pushed back.

He lacked balance and I was pushing my luck. I was torn between refusing his touch and letting him touch me to soothe the angry beast he was trying to keep locked up inside of his mind. That was his problem and his issue but I would be the victim of it. His eyes narrowed and I lifted my hand in warning.

"You do not have permission to touch me." I said it slowly and his eyes narrowed a touch more, his hand inching closer to me. I watched as his muscles flexed. He was fighting hard against his wolf's urges. My anger was balancing with wary stubbornness. I couldn't be angry with him, not while in front of him because of the fucking bond. His very presence was meant to sooth my negative emotions, that was how the bond hooked itself into a shifter.

"My pisică. You are my mate and I wish to make it so you are no longer upset with me." He said each word carefully, showing me just how much restraint he was using. His fingers twitched and I bunched my muscles in anticipation to dart away from his reaching hand. The corner of his mouth twitched. "If you run I can't stop him from chasing you." He said it softly but it carried a heavy warning. I couldn't help how that made my heart jump heavily in my chest, making it race that much faster in my chest. I was almost starting to feel light-headed from the panic that was thrumming in my bones.

"Don't be afraid, pisică. He wouldn't hurt you." Despite his words I knew that wolves chased prey and I didn't particularly want to be prey. I hated how he was being gentle and delicate with me. He still hadn't touched me, we were locked in a duel of who would give up first. He still wanted to touch me and I didn't want him to. He moved his hand closer and I lifted mine in warning. I would slap it away if necessary.

I tried to calm my breathing, hating how my exhales were coming in wheezes and my inhales were tiny gasps. I didn't want him to figure out just how panicked I was with his presence. I felt he had backed me into a corner and I didn't like. I wanted to avoid his gaze but I found once I had locked my eyes with his it was nearly impossible. He inched closer with his hand and I slapped it away once more. Another warning growl erupted from his mouth.

"You do not have permission to touch me." I hated how it came out almost warbled. I was tired and panicking and I just wanted him gone. I didn't want to deal with him and his games while the bond was at a time where it could manipulate my actions and words, while the walls were closing in on me and my emotions were strangling me.

His narrowed eyes instantly went to being soft and he took a step back and sat on the bed. Giving me the space I needed to function, the rest of the anger slowly dissipated at the action. "What did I do to upset you, my pisică?" He asked it softly and I darted my eyes around the room, unwilling to look at him, looking for a way out, somewhere I could bolt to so i could escape.

I wanted to ignore the question. I didn't want to give him more ammo to use against me. My wolf agreed with me, she was wary of bonds just like I was. Mating bonds had only ever been used to hurt us both. A tiny part of me whispered to tell him. To make him understand so he would be more careful in the future. I was in no position to argue with the bond's whispers with the anger gone and the tiredness dragging my will into oblivion.

"What you have forced us into is not a game. My feelings aren't toys. This is my life and I won't have it played with like it's a joke." I choked on the words and wrapped my arms around my stomach, squeezing tightly as if that could keep me from breaking apart as the panic tore into me. I hated how it churned and it made bile rise up through the wheezing of the breaths escaping my throat.

Too many males had taken advantage of a young female's thoughts of happily ever afters and tore them to shreds. I hated how twisted my grandfather had been to do that to me and my mother. I had only ever wanted a family and all I had gotten was rejection after rejection. I was allowed to be bitter about it. I was. The silence between us grew longer and I shifted uncomfortably and took a step backwards. I wanted to retreat, wanted to. I didn't do feelings. I just wanted to be free, to sleep underneath the stars and never have to worry about walls crushing down around me.

"I'm sorry. I truly am. I wasn't laughing at our bond or your feelings. It's just you look adorable when you are angry and you reminded me of my sister, Maricella. She hated her mate bond as well. Not exactly hated it but it irritated her greatly." His words were soft but I didn't trust him. I wasn't sure if I would ever trust him. It was easier to not trust the people who would stab you in the back if given half a chance. It was easier to be alone. "Pisică, please look at me." His voice had an edge of pained longing to it and I stared intently at the carpet. I didn't want to look at him because it just confused things for me and made the panic that much worse and I was just getting my breathing back under control.

"Please, just look at me." He was begging. The absurdity of it startled me. An Alpha was begging for something from me. That had never happened before. I couldn't help it as I looked at him. He looked almost pained as he met my gaze. "Pisică, I will try harder to be more careful of your feelings. I do not like it when you are upset with me." He was begin so soft and gentle and I wanted to cry. I had too much happen to me today for me to function properly. I forced my gaze away and stared at the floor as I tightened my arms around my stomach.

"Let me go, let me leave. Please." I didn't like how weak I sounded. I was never weak but the trembling in my limbs and the exhaustion made me more than aware that at that moment I was.

A heavy silence feel and I closed my eyes at the change in atmosphere. "You're my mate. You are to stay." The words came out like crackling ice and I shuddered.

"You can't keep me here." He couldn't keep me trapped in the building with no way out. He couldn't put a leash on me and expect me to sit pretty. I swallowed against the sudden lump in my throat. I wanted to cry, to break into pieces and give into the panic that was warring with tears in my chest. I knew it would make me weak but that was all I wanted to do with the feeling of the walls closing in on me.

"I'm your mate. You will find I can do a lot with that title. It's best you remember that." With that I heard him move and the door closed sharply behind him. I backed into the wall completely and let out a shuddering breath as I slid down the wall, my legs unable to hold me up anymore.

His scent lingered and I gasped for air, my eyes burning with tears as I clutched at my chest and let myself fall apart. I bit my fist as I sobbed, trying to let the panic loose in a way that wouldn't be heard. I felt like I was suffocating, like the walls were pressing in on me, wanting me to crush me. I felt squeezed and unable to move, like everything was trying to crush me into dust.

I coughed, feeling like I suddenly couldn't breathe. I crawled towards the window and scrambled to shove it open. The breeze felt nice on my skin as I inhaled it greedily, trying to push through the constriction on my throat. I looked towards the dark forest with longing. I wanted to be free but I was caged and there was no one I could turn to that would help me. I was stuck, so utterly stuck. I had always said I would escape, that I would run free but I had never been forced to actually do it. I was lost and all I was able to do was panic.

I didn't want to stay because the longer the bond survived, the longer it was fed, the more I would fall in love with the feelings it gave me. Positive fucking reinforcement. It rewarded me with a good dose of endorphins when I was around him, training my brain to automatically prefer him and to crave being around him. That was why it was better to break it earlier before your brain was trained to love your mate. It made it less painful because it wouldn't break your heart.

Despite how I craved the burn of the rejection, that was not something I wanted to experience ever again. A broken bond would hurt, it would burn but it would leave you as a person intact. A broken heart had the ability to destroy you as a person, to make you doubt yourself, to twist your own thoughts against you. That was more painful and more cruel than anything my grandfather could have done to me physically. He had ordered them to break my heart and they had succeeded over and over again until I fought back. Until I cursed and clawed my way to who I now was.

That was why I was so disgusted with how I was acting. I wasn't a simpering female shifter willing to let the bond consume me, to let it fuck with my mind. I fought for my position, for my survival. I was the firstborn of a firstborn. Rightful heir to the Lazera Alpha Claim. I wasn't soft or simpering. I was strong as my mother had made me. Each breath of fresh air that I took brought that back into focus as it pushed the panic away. I was an Alpha and I was stronger than any call of Mene's bonds.

You can't fight fate. It had been her warning but my fate had already been sealed from the moment I had been born. I had been born in rejection. It had moulded me into shape and sharpened me to having a dangerous edge. It was what my mother had wanted. She wanted me to be strong, to be able to survive in a world where our power was not welcome based on our gender alone. I had given her that wish and it had come at a terrible cost. I closed my eyes before looking up at the crescent moon, my breaths no longer shuddering out of me as I sat next to the window.

"You did this to me, Mene. Please fix it." It came out on a cracked whisper. I never demanded things of the goddess or even asked of things. I prayed to her as my mother did. Just thanking her for my life, my wolf, and my continued survival. I figured that after years of it. After I had spent my entire life devoted to making sure she would be proud of me as her child, that she would grant me just one thing.

I slowly got to my feet and turned to the bed. I wouldn't sleep long. I never slept more than five hours at a time. It was a normal habit when one lived on the run or as a rogue in general. Too many people either trying to kill you, rape you, steal from you, or kidnap you. I was an exceptionally light sleeper but I was more than capable of getting my required sleep in those five hours. If not I could power nap. It was just the way I had always lived.

I moved over to the bed and sniffed experimentally, his scent faintly clung to the fabric of the blanket but it wasn't enough to cause any issues. However I still pulled it off of the bed and shook it off in front of the window. I didn't want the feed the bond anything, even if it was simply a faint scent. I flapped the blanket out for a few more minutes before throwing it haphazardly on the bed before I moved to the light and flicked it off.

I would sleep and then I would plan my escape.