Chapter Twenty-Five

I felt numb as I stood holding onto the bedside table Luka had shoved me into. My mouth felt dry and Gamgam cupped my face. She was speaking, I could see her mouth moving but I couldn't hear the words she was saying over the high-pitched whine in my ears.

"Lily?" I could barely hear my own voice. I had seen Luka beside her bed and he looked devastated and then he started yelling at me. I didn't know what was going on. Gamgam pried my hand off of the bedside table and pulled me from the room. The whine ended abruptly and I blinked rapidly as she pulled me towards the stairs.

"Don't listen to him, Shey. Don't you dare!" Her voice was vicious and was threaded with a rather menacing growl. "This was not your fault!"

"What's wrong with Lily?" I felt lost. Luka had basically told me to leave the territory and I didn't even know why. My heart twisted and clenched in my chest. I had started to trust him with the broken pieces and he had done like so many others had.

"She passed away, Shey." Gamgam said it softly but the impact of words slammed into me and I blinked rapidly.

"What?" She couldn't have been gone. She had been fine, she had said she had fun. She couldn't remember why but she said she had fun. I had let her have fun. She had been fine.

"She's gone. You need to phone some people for me, okay? I have to wait with Doc and May." She grasped my shoulders and I shook my head.

"She was fine, Gamgam." I looked at her, looking for answers as I floundered in confusion. "We came back and she was fine. She went to bed fine." My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to comprehend what had happened.

"I know. I know, puiu meu de lup, but these things happen. It was her time." She hugged me tightly for a moment before letting me go. "I need you to make those phone calls, Shey. You need to call Jace and Azrael. They need to be here. Luka needs all the people we can gather." I gave a slow nod. I felt a bit shell shocked from everything that was bombarding me. Gamgam gently pushed me towards the stairs.

"But Luka told me to l-leave." I choked on the word and Gamgam's face twisted with a dark rage.

"When that whelp gets back I am going to have another little chat with him and he will be lucky if he will be able to speak after I tear out his fucking throat!" She whirled around and slammed Lily's door. I stared at the door before slowly turning and climbing up the stairs. I wasn't sure what I was feeling but it was heavy and oppressive. The stairs felt almost like a mountain as I climbed them, the heaviness settling over my entire body as I reached the second floor and headed to the office.

The hallway was dark, just as the office was when I finally reached it. I slipped inside, Luka's scent slid over me, it was a permanent addition to the room. I shuddered under it, it clenched my heart in my chest. Broken shards rubbing together in my chest painfully. I moved over to the desk and picked up the phone, my hands shook as I looked at the handset. I reached out and grabbed the small phone book Luka kept on the desk.

I pressed the phone to my head, the dial tone ringing in my ear as I flipped through the book. Jace or Azrael were the names I were looking for. I found Azrael's name rather quickly and I dialled the number. It rang loudly in my ear. I stared at the desk, the shock still flooding my system. Lily was gone. I didn't want to think about it.

"This better be fucking good, Luka. It's four in the goddamn morning." The voice was cold and rumbling and thick with tiredness. I jolted at it. I hadn't been aware of how long the phone had been ringing for. I opened my mouth but my voice escaped me and tears pricked my eyes. "I swear to do I will drive the eight hours to kick your fucking ass if you don't spit it out!" There was an edge of menace to his voice and I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

"Lily- Lily passed aw-away." I choked it out and there was a thick silence on the other end of the line.

"Where is Luka?" His voice was a touch softer and I shook my head. I honestly did not know how to answer the question.

"I don't know." My hand gripped the phone tighter. He was gone, I didn't know where he had run too but he wasn't at the house.

"Don't worry about it. Who are you?" There was an edge to his voice and I coughed slightly, trying to remove the lump from clogging my throat.

"His ma-" I choked on the word, tears flooding my eyes when I couldn't get it out. I didn't know what we were. He demanded I leave and with the Alpha Command in his voice he had been more than serious.

"His mate?"

"Yah." I nodded despite him not being able to see the gesture.

"Are you doing alright?" The question seemed a bit ridiculous. My mate-mother had just died and my mate had ordered me to leave his territory or he would kill me. There was nothing alright about how I was currently feeling.

"No." I wasn't even remotely okay and it hadn't even truly sunk in.

"That's understandable. I'll be there as soon as I can." The phone line when dead and I closed my eyes as I set the phone down in its cradle. I flipped the pages of the phone book and found a number under Jace's name. I wiped at my eyes and picked up the phone, dialling the number. My heart twisted unpleasantly as the phone rang over and over again. I was just about to hang up when the phone was picked up.

"Luka, what's wrong?" The voice was soft and feminine and it was slightly familiar.

"Lily passed away." The words were just as hard to get out as the last time and there was a small pause on the other end of the line.

"Shey, is that you? And what did you say?" There was a slightly shocked confusion in Maricella's voice and I swallowed.

"It's me. Lily passed away." I coughed around the lump in my throat, tears burning in my eyes.

"Oh... I don't- I don't know what to say. How is Luka?"

"Upset. I needed to call... He needs you." I choked on the words, rubbing at my burning eyes.

"Just give me a second. I need to go get Uncle Jace." The phone was set down and I could hear a faint shouting from the other end of the line. I pressed my hand to my forehead, my head was starting to pound and reality was sinking in. There were more shouting that I could hear before the phone was picked up once more.

"We are on our way." The voice was gruff and slightly panicked before the phone was hung up rather harshly. I set the phone down and swallowed as the lump grew. Tears flooded my eyes as it hit me.

Lily was gone.

I would never creep into her room and take her out into the garden without May seeing. I would never again get to see the radiant smile on her face when I told her I was mated to her son. My knees buckled and I slid to the floor, leaning against the desk as I heaved out my breaths, my shoulders shaking with the sudden grief that was washing over me.

The reality was a harsh slap to the face as I sobbed for the fragile female that had lost everything including her mind. I sobbed for the years she would miss and the happiness she couldn't remember. I sobbed for the suffering Luka must have been enduring at the realization that his entire family was gone, that he was all that was left, that he was alone.

She is dead because of you!

Familiar guilt flooded my system as my eyes went wide in the realization I was the one to take Lily away from her son. That I took Luka's mother away from him. She was gone because of me and a sharp cry of denial escaped my lips. It had happened again. I had done it again but this time to someone I had grown to care for. There was a reason I was to be punished by Mene for my crimes.

My hands started shaking horror at the realization of what I had done now and had done eight years prior. Bile touched the back of my tongue and I shuddered under the force of it as the dams broke and eight years worth of guilt coated me thickly, dragging me down to drown in its inky, bitter darkness.

There was a different kind of pain in guilt, a different sort ache that left you nearly immobilized with its intensity. The tears that burned before were nearly unbearable and they tasted bitter on my tongue. I had killed Lily. I had taken her away and the memories of what I had taken away from myself just enhanced the bitterness. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to hold back the nausea that swirled in my gut.

"Oh, Shey." Gamgam's voice was soft and I felt the guilt pull me down further as she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't deserve the comfort and I tried to push her away.

"I killed her!" The words were sobbed out and Gamgam held me tighter, ignoring my attempts at escape.

"No!" Gamgam's tone was vicious as she snarled out the word. "Jason said she most likely had a brain aneurysm. You did nothing to her, Shey!" The words did nothing for me because the guilt of what I had done eight years ago paled anything to do with Lily. It wasn't truly Lily I was crying for.

"No! My mother. I killed my mother." The words were torn from my throat and with it came the eight years worth of guilt I had held tightly. "I killed her! She's dead because of me! I killed her!" I was hysterical. I knew I was but the memory of the fight that had happened was bombarding my mind. I had my jaws around her throat and I had held her until she stopped fighting, until she stopped breathing.

I was taking in rapid breaths as I remembered every single second of the memory. How she had snapped at me with the intent to hurt, to main. How her green eyes were cold as she tried to get through my defences. Her canines grazing my throat as I tried to fight her back, to fight her off.

"I'm sure you didn't-"

"I did. I did. I killed her. I held her until she stopped breathing. She wouldn't stop! She wouldn't stop!" I let out several heaving sobs, making me stiffen. I could still feel the adrenaline surging through my body, urging me to react, to get her to stop her pointed attacks. A fight forced on me where I had tried my best to simply survive. "I just wanted her to stop. I just wanted her to stop attacking me but I killed her! She wouldn't stop!" I covered my eyes with my hands, trying to hide form the truth. I hadn't meant to. I hadn't meant to kill her but I had and that was why I would be punished by Mene. I had been the one to kill her, to snuff out her light and leave her to the darkness.

"Fetita-"

"I killed her. I killed her. I killed her." I rocked back and forth in Gamgam's arms, the words like a chant as they escaped my mouth. I had killed the one person who had loved me. I had ripped that love away. I had taken it away from myself and that was not something that could ever be forgiven or forgotten. The guilt was smothering me, drowning me in it's intensity. Last time I had been able to force myself out of it but I knew there was no hope for me to do it now. Not when Luka hated me, not when I was the reason Lily had died.

"It's okay, Shey." Gamgam squeezed me as I sobbed hysterically. The pain wasn't something that could just go away. That was a burden I would carry for the rest of my life.

"Its not! I killed her!" The words were a screech and she shushed me gently, smoothing down my hair, as I breathed rapidly through the sobbing that shook my entire frame. She rocked me back and forth, rubbing my spine as I let out the grief and the guilt. I killed her. I had killed my mother and the painful scar that was left was of my own making. I had done it to myself.

"What was the last thing she ever said to you?" Gamgam's words barely registered and I looked at her through blurry, tear filled eyes. Hiccupping sobs escaped my throat as I felt the tears burn their way down my cheeks. The lump in my throat was threatening to choke me and I coughed against it.

"What?" The word was a croak and she brushed my hair from my face, wiping at my sticky cheeks. It was a rather maternal action and I couldn't help but lean into her hands, craving the comfort she was offering. I did not deserve it but wolves were social creatures and shifters were the same, I was no different

"What was the very last thing she ever said to you?" Her voice was gentle and coaxing as she rubbed my back. The question confused me and I thought back. We had been sitting at our small fire and she had looked at me funny before she spoke.

"She said she wanted me to be strong enough to survive." They were the last words she had ever said to me. I never got to say I love you to her before she had rolled over and went to sleep. I had followed suit only to wake up to her wolf snarling in my face and her teeth nearly touching my throat. The memory seemed to close up my throat, another round of sobs threatening to escape.

"You said she was attacking you?" She asked it slowly and I nodded, slowly unwrapping a stiff arm from my waist and wiping at my eyes. I wasn't entirely sure how long I had stayed in that position but from how my muscles protested it had been a bit longer than it seemed.

"Yes. I just wanted her to stop. I just wanted her to submit, to stop but she wouldn't!" I let out several shuddering sobs. I hadn't meant to do it. She just refused to stop fighting, if there hadn't had been a Healer at Altia I would have carried the scars forever, a reminder of my crime. I almost wanted the scars because it was easier to forget without the reminders. I wanted to be reminded of what I had done, of what had happened.

"I know, I know." Gamgam rocked me slightly, smoothing down my hair as she shushed me gently. "Your mother did you a great disservice, Shey. She knew exactly what the outcome of that fight would be." Her voice had a sharp edge and I frowned, letting out a shuddering breath. The guilt was still trying to smother me but Gamgam's voice was like a beacon that cut through it. If anyone could tell me how to bear the guilt it would be her.

"What?" My voice was trembling slightly as I took in heaving breaths, trying to quell the raging emotional storm that was rolling through me.

"There is a practice in the mountains. The Alpha fights who ever challenges for their position and in the end the strongest competitor will force a submission from the Alpha so they could take the position at the head of the pack. It is how the Alpha title is won." The edge was more prominent in her voice and I wiped at my eyes again. Brushing away the tears that had slowly crept down my face. "Your mother did something similar but she fucked up." I frowned at her again. I wasn't quick sure what she meant by her words.

"How?" I asked it tentatively and her blue eyes hardened as she ground her teeth together.

"It's a shitty thing to make your only child kill you." The words were almost like a physical blow. They had a huge weight to them that nearly knocked the air out of my chest. She was blaming my mother.

"She nev-"

"It's shitty. No matter what her reasoning is, Shey. There is no excuse for making your own child kill you. For making them carry that burden, that guilt." Gamgam's voice was harsh and her arms tightened around me. An old but familiar feeling of being maternally protected swamped me, bringing another round of tears to my eyes. "That guilt is not yours, Shey. What you are feeling is not for you. She forced you into it." She stroked my hair again, pulling my head so it rested on her chest.

"But I still did it. I still killed her." I gave a choked sob and she shushed me gently.

"You did but did you want to? Would you have if she hadn't attacked you?" She sad it softly and I shook my head quickly. I never wanted to hurt her. I loved my mother, I loved her so much that it hurt at times and it tore me apart that I had killed her that I had done so callous and cruel to the one person who had loved me. "She wanted you to be strong so she let you kill her to take her power but she gave you your weakness. Guilt has an ability to smother all good, to take all that we love and turn it to ash. We wallow in it, let it consume us until there is nothing left." I understood what she was saying but guilt was all that I had some days.

"But Lily-"

"Jason says the aneurysm was most likely there since the accident." She said it sharply, her tone leaving no room for argument. She was letting me know that she wasn't going to allow that small seed of guilt to sprout in me. As if her words would be strong enough to remove the venom that Luka had injected into me.

"But I-"

"You gave her one of the best days she ever had. She ate a full meal, she kept smiling brightly and telling May that she had fun. You gave that to her, Shey. You let her have fun." Gamgam let out a heavy sigh. "She would have died regardless, the aneurysm would have still killed her if you hadn't taken her out. Death doesn't wait and we will always suffer the consequences of his reaping but you should never blame yourself for Lily. You gave her fun and brightness and love. That cannot be replaced." She gave me a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I sniffled lightly.

"But Luk-"

"Don't! Don't you dare bring him up, Shey." There was a sharp edge of a snarl to her voice. "That boy! I have treated him with respect because of his father but this I will not stand for." She let me go abruptly before standing and grabbing my wrist abruptly. She yanked me to my feet and all but dragged me out of the room. "I have tried to teach him for years to think, to stop and think before he spoke, to never pass his hurt out onto others and he has never listened!"

"Don't hurt him!" I yanked against her grip and she merely tightened hers to the point of pain in warning.

"Hurting him is exactly what I will be doing. You should be telling me not to kill him because right now I am not sure which side of the fence I stand on." She hissed the words out as she pulled me down the stairs. "He doesn't deserve you. He pointedly hurt you to make you feel as bad as him, in front of pack members and you still defend him. I can't tell if you are smitten or stupid." She sounded half proud, half irritated as she said the last part and I swallowed thickly, wiping at my eyes as she pulled me through the open front door. It was dark out, the moon's icy brightness touched my skin and I shuddered under the feeling of it.

"Where are we going?" I looked over the dark lawn as she yanked me along behind her. I became acutely aware that I was only in Luka's t-shirt. It still faintly held his scent and I bite my lip hard. I didn't want to think of him.

"To prepare Lily. With that lousy excuse of a mate you have running dark, goddess knows where, someone has to do it. Moonvines won't touch an unclean corpse and we are as close to family as Lily has right now so I doubt she will mind." Gamgam seemed intensely focused on her goal and the thought of having to prepare another mother for burial made my insides squirm and twist. There was no reason for me to help her.

"Luka told me to leave." I tugged against her grip and Gamgam growled at me rather viciously. I bit my tongue painfully, not willing to growl back at her, knowing it would only cause another argument.

"Luka is getting his balls crushed with a hammer the next time I see him. I don't care if I don't get any great grand babies. I will destroy his ability to create a future so his stupidity won't be passed on. Mene will thank me!" She continued her tirade and I slumped with dejection as she pulled me along. Bile churned in my stomach, rising up in my throat at the thought of having to prepare Lily for burial like I had to do for my own mother. "You wouldn't care! You made it clear you don't want babies, so you should feel thankful for that!" Gamgam's words were harsh and her grip tightened and loosened on my wrist rapidly as she seemed to fight with her anger.

I kept silent as she verbally released her anger, describing what she wanted to do to him. I tuned her out, not willing to listen to her as I was currently feeling. Guilt still twisted my insides and my head felt fuzzy and heavy. I wanted to simply curl up in a ball and wallow in a corner somewhere. I didn't want to deal with my emotions. It was easier when I shoved them away, ignoring them, hoping they would go away on their own.

I knew it was ridiculous but emotions made a person weak. That was what my mother had taught me. Tears burned my eyes again and I fought them back. I needed to be strong. I couldn't let anything tear me down because if Luka returned with the intent of doing as he said I wouldn't make it easy on him. I had to fight, I had to show him that even though I was weak, I was still an Alpha.

"He will be lucky if I don't shave his wolf bald and then tattoo my name on his ass cheek before I cover him in hot tar and fucking feathers!" Gamgam's words filtered into my head and I could hear her coming the end of her tirade as we passed what I now understood was the territory line. The faint shiver and the slight lessening of the blanket that made up the territory. "That will show him no to be such a fucking chicken and run away from his problems!" Gamgam scoffed and I swallowed at the temple came into view, I didn't want to go in there. I didn't wish to see Lily lying so still on an altar. I felt a trembling start in my limbs as I stared at the stone building. I dug my feet in slightly, resisting Gamgam's pulling.

She gave a grunt before she tugged me forward once more. "Do this for Lily, Shey." Gamgam's voice was softer than she had ever used on me but her grip remained unrelenting on my wrist as she pulled me towards the temple. I took huge inhales of breath, willing myself not to throw up as Gamgam pulled open the door. The moonvines were already waiting at the door and they reached out and touched my legs as we walked inside. Lily lay on stone altar in the middle of a patch of moonlight. Tears cascaded down my cheeks and my chin trembled.

I had no right to be upset about her death, I hadn't known her long but the time I had with her was happy and something I would forever treasure. I knew that deep in down and I closed my eyes, fighting against the pulsing sorrow that radiated out of my chest. The world was truly a dimmer place without her and I hated the fact I had been allowed to bask in her brilliant light before it was gone because I now knew what it was that the world was missing.

Despite the fact that I had only truly knew her for a week there was something in her that had wrapped around my heart and now that she was gone it had torn a chunk of my heart out. I wiped at my eyes quickly and moved over to the altar, dragging Gamgam instead of her dragging me.

"Lily." My voice cracked as I reached out and smoothed down her hair. She looked empty but peaceful and I trailed my fingers down her cheek. "I never got to tell you that Luka wasn't the only one who loved you." I sniffled and Gamgam let my wrist go and backed away. I gave my mate-mother a broken smile. "You would have been a wonderful grandmother and I am so sorry you never got the chance. I'm so sorry, Lily." I couldn't stop the trembling of my hands as I cupped her face and kissed her forehead gently.

"I hate that I am going to be stuck in a world without your smile. Without you. You had such a big heart and I am going to miss every inch of who you were." I pressed my cheek to hers and inhaled her warm summer scent. It was fading quickly but I took as much as I could, imprinting it into my mind so I would never forget the female who had somehow managed to slip into the hole I had torn into my chest after I had killed my mother. She had slipped into it and held it together, stopping the flow of pain for a short time.

"Alright, Shey. We need to clean her up." Gamgam's voice wavered and I pulled back, nodding as I reached out and grabbed a cloth from one of the steaming bowls that had been set out. I gently picked up Lily's arm and gently wiped her pale, thin skin. Her skin was almost cool to the touch and I was aware of Gamgam starting on the other side of her.

Images filtered unwanted into my mind of me doing the same thing to my mother, cleaning her cool body, making it presentable before I begged and pleaded with her to give up and let go of her dead shell. To roll into Mene's arms and complete her cycle. She had held on so tightly as if unwilling to leave the past behind and I had half wondered if she held on so tightly for me but the more rational part of me told me that it was always more difficult for the killer to reach their victims.

My mother had ninety-two scars on her body. I had counted each one as I had cleaned her. Each one was burned into my memory because I wanted to remember everything about her. I wanted to be with her every step of the journey I had forced on her. I wanted a few hours with her before i would leave her for good. I remembered after I had realized what I had done I had curled up next to her body, sobbing and begging her for forgiveness before I had passed out from exhaustion clutching her corpse.

I had wanted to lie there with her until I died as well but Mene wouldn't have accepted her into her arms and I refused to allow my mother to be denied the peace Mene's arms would bring. I had brought her to Altia, had been taught the prayers and allowed them to bury her among their dead, where she belonged. Altia had been her pack because that was where the banished found themselves. She loved the small territory, had spoken of it fondly and it was all I could give her. To let her lie in the one place she had felt wanted.

I gently smoothed the cloth over Lily's face as Gamgam cleaned her legs. Tears were sliding down my face as I cleaned hers, my cloth gently brushing over her delicate eyelids. I smoothed the cloth over her forehead and down her nose. She looked like she was sleeping but there was no life to her skin, no thrum of blood in her veins. She was simply gone.

The moonvines wrapped around my legs, crawling up me to reach Lily. I knew now that they only came for me because I had a touch of the goddess. She had been intertwined in my life since birth. She had guided me and punished me as she saw fit. She had taken a glimpse of my life when I was just a tiny infant and curiosity and then irritation must have kept her coming back to me.

I went to dip the cloth in the water when I caught my reflection staring at me from the steaming water. My eyes were drawn to the large mark Luka had left on my neck and my heart twisted in my chest, I gripped at it despite knowing it would do nothing. Emotional pain could not be healed like physical pain, it could not be remedied with tinctures to herbs. Healers could not take it away, it lingered for years and flared up when you least expected it.